About Baby B

Those of you that have been with me from the beginning, know about Baby B.  Those of you that are new to my blog, might not.  I tend not to speak about bebe B very much.  I've had this post rolling around in my head for awhile now, but I've been nervous to post it.  I have a few followers who are twin moms and I follow a few blogs that are expecting twins, so I didn't know how they would like reading about the loss of one.  But...this is my place to let my feelings out, and this is something that has been weighing on my heart for 3 years now.

 

When I was first pregnant with Lola there was a second baby there, bebe B.  JD and I were ecstatic to say the least.  We had been hoping and praying for twins.  As we knew that our finances were going to dictate how many children we would have IF we had any.  And getting 2 for 1 was just awesome! We had always wanted 3 children.  So having twins felt like we might actually have the family we always wished for.

 

However...it was not to be...I lost bebe B due to a very large SCH.  We were devastated.  But we couldn't mourn the way we needed to.  We still had bebe A to worry about.  And everyone kept telling us, "it's okay, most people lose one and don't know it, it was God's will, etc..."  So I quit talking to anyone about it.  As these statements did nothing other than piss me off.  What happened that morning the SCH made it's presence known, there was no way you wouldn't know you were losing a baby.  There was so much blood.  And JD's scream when he saw it and me haunts me to this day.  It was a guttural scream of NOOOOOO! 

 

I feel guilty that I lost bebe B.  Even though I know it wasn't my fault.  And I'm so incredibly thankful that LolaBean made it.  I honestly believe that neither baby would have made it if the pregnancy had continued with two.  I was so sick all the way through the pregnancy.  And Lola's health was very precarious all the way through as well.  But it doesn't mean I don't have unresolved feelings about the loss. 

 

I wanted my twins.  I wanted my two babies that have that special connection.  I wanted that challenge of juggling two at once.  I wanted the joy of watching 2 little ones discover the world and each other together.  I carry this pang with me.  And there are times when I look at Lola and feel so very sad that I lost her womb mate.  

 

But the reality is we are so very lucky to have the family we have.  And I feel incredibly lucky that Lucy's pregnancy was so easy.  IF our family is complete, I will be fine with it.  I will always carry a special place in my heart for bebe B though. 

 

My point of this post though is this.  To admit that I have trouble with twin announcements.  I think because I wasn't allowed to grieve the little life we lost.  And because I am one of those not so great twin stories, I like to keep my head down and just say congrats and move on.   My life has been forever changed with my IF diagnosis.  I was never an envious person before.  And now...?  I get a little green eyed when it comes to fertiles, easy pregnancies and twins.  Great!  How much more of a sinner can I be?  But it is the truth.  I'm not proud of it.  But I can't hide from it.  And pretending that bebe B never existed has not helped at all.  I carried that little peanut for 17 weeks.  B passed at 8.5 weeks.  I saw my little one there beside Lola every week for 8 more weeks.  Crushing my heart every time.  I was left feeling empty when my body finally absorbed it.  Relieved but empty.  It's such a mix of emotions when it comes to a loss like this so early on.

 

I don't know if others experience this after losing one baby in a twin pregnancy (early on).  Everyone seems to move on from it because they are worried about the other baby, and then they never talk about it again.  But I'm going to talk about it.  I miss bebe B.  Even though you were only here for a very short time, you have a big place in my heart.  I wish things could have been different.  I wish I could have carried you and Lola in a healthy pregnancy and you two would grow up together.  But alas this could not be.  You were needed elsewhere at the time.  I love you B. 

 

 JD and I have discussed many times if this is it for our family.  And we honestly don't know.  There is no chance of a miraculous conception.  So it would have to be a full new DE cycle.     With finances the way they are now.  We are done.  But if something changes...We would definitely do another cycle.  But not for 3-4 years.  And what's funny is he would love it if there were 2 as well.  As he too feels like that is the unfinished business we have.  Like a challenge.  Maybe just maybe, with hopeful hearts...

 

...is it inconceivable...

Much Love!

ks

Loss

My thoughts are with my family over seas right now.  They are saying good bye to sweet baby Riley.  He has been moved to Hospice to 'fade away'.  His condition unfortunately is terminal.  The damage to the brain, liver and kidneys was extensive and he can not live in this condition.  His Mommy and Daddy are making sure that he is very comfortable in his time here.  And are spending every waking moment loving him, holding him and singing to him.  My heart breaks for them at this time.  No ONE should ever have to watch their 13 day old baby 'fade away' in death.  Life is very unfair.  I know God has a plan and I do accept that.  I just wish that it didn't hurt so much at times and that good people didn't need to know or experience infant loss.

Because of what is going on in our family right now, I do not feel appropriate discussing my own fears right now.  I just can't get excited or all drama filled when someone we know and love is experiencing a loss like no other.  When we got the news on Sunday that Riley's condition had deteriorated so much I just held Lola and cried.  I feel so incredibly lucky.  So many things can happen and go wrong with a pregnancy and life.  We have to cherish every second that we have with our loved ones.  

Please hug your babies tonight.  Tell your partners you love them.  Count your many blessings that you do have.  Family, friends, pets, good health, and love.

I leave you with a poem I love...I think it is very appropriate to anyone who has experienced a loss...

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear, 
and whatever is done by only me is you doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows 
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud 
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, 
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is that wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

By:  E.E. Cummings

Hurdles

So here it is...we are 6 days away from the big thaw...I'm freaking out...

We finally cleared up all the family drama yesterday.  I do expect a little more to come in the following days. But I've already made back up arrangements for Lola, so I'm not going to stress about it.  And it's JD's family so I'm staying out of it.  He knows all to well how I feel, I don't need to remind him.  

Tomorrow I have my u/s and b/w to see if everything is thickening up as it should be.  If that is okay, I will start PIO's Thursday morning.  Eeeek!!!  I started my antibiotic on Monday as I wanted to be finished it on the day of the transfer.  I'm so ridiculously nervous about all of this...

There are still so many more hurdles to get over yet.  

• lining and estrogen at the right levels.
• Lola's sitters in place. (that's the drama)
• Frostie surviving the Thaw
• Transfer
• Pregnancy Test...duh duh DUHHHHH!!!

God I just want to make it to transfer right now.  I can't even focus on the possibility of a pregnancy test at this moment.  I just keep reminding myself one breath at a time.  Pace it out like I would a run.  One mile at a time, one hurdle at a time.  Deep breaths...In...Out...

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Even though I am Canadian I observed yesterday's Pregnancy / Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I lit two candles at dinner and had them burning all night.  I placed suk suk's in front of each in memory of all of our babies.  I cried about our loss'.  I mourned Baby B.  

I snuggled my baby girl last night before bed.  I breathed in her sweet smell.  I whispered in her ear how much we love her.  I cherished my blessings last night.  

Much Love!

ks

Emotions

None are good today.  I'm irritated, depressed, just plain b!tchy...  We had a great weekend away in Ottawa visiting my brother, but I don't think I slept enough and today I am feeling the strain.  I think I finally caught JD's cold, so that is adding to my mood.

I'm also struggling with B.  Knowing that B's sac is still there is killing me inside.  I just feel like it's my fault some how, like B was strong enough (if the sac is still there), just that I fucked it up...  :( 

And I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'll be okay for about a week and then all of a sudden I start getting these anxiety attacks. I can picture it in my head  *I am just going along thinking la la la thoughts all the while with a dead baby inside me.* 

I haven't really given these thoughts a voice until today.  And I feel horrible like I'm jinxing everything by even uttering it.   But I'm really struggling with trying to enjoy this and allowing this to be a normal great experience. 

For Example...

This weekend we told my niece (6)  and nephew (8)  that we are expecting a baby.  They were both so excited.  My niece kept telling everyone she encountered that her Auntie K has a baby in her belly and she hopes it's a girl.  LOL! 

Well then Saturday night in bed I broke out in a sweat.  Thinking what the hell am I going to do if I have to explain to her that something horrible has happened.  And then my night consisted of tossing and turning with the cold sweats all night. 

There is just too many of us that have struggled to finally get a positive, then get comfortable and then have it all ripped away from us.  At 15 weeks, 20 weeks, 32, gosh even 40 weeks.   That I feel like I can't relax for one minute.  But I'm  hoping by purging myself of these thoughts that maybe it will ease a bit.  By putting my fears out there into the universe, maybe I will find some sense of calm.

I'm sorry this isn't a happy yahhh I'm 16 weeks post.  Maybe that will come later this week, but I just wanted to share my thoughts.  Just in case any of you that have found success are having the same difficult time, I want you to know you are not alone. 

Much Love

ks

All Over the Map!

That's my emotions!  I can't seem to get a handle on my moods lately.  I guess it is the hormones.  Driving into work this morning I started crying, not like one or two tears, but like sobbing.  I was just so overcome with sadness about B, Evelyn, Greyson, and all those lost babies that were loved so very much.  I just don't understand why it has to be so hard for us infertiles.  I mean haven't we struggled enough?   I still think about B daily and wish that my body had been able to hold onto it.  But it is what it is. 

JD and I have been to Babies.R.Us three times in the last couple of weeks.  We keep watching and waiting for the deals.  Yesterday there was some great deals on playpens with the bassinet attachments and the diaper changer.  Did we buy one?  Nope!  Why?  Because we are still way too nervous to even think about bringing anything real baby into the house.  I asked JD if he was nervous about buying anything.  And he looked at me and said "yes I'm afraid to jinx anything!"  I said "me too!"  I asked him if he wanted to wait until 20 weeks.  He said yes please!

The reality is that we do have to try to buy somethings every pay.  We don't really have an income where we can just go out one weekend and spend a couple of grand on decorating a nursery.   So the reality of the situation is that when we find deals like we did last night, we should buy it and just put it in the basement until we are ready.  Even if something does go wrong at one time a baby is coming into our house.  I am renewed with hope. 

I think I'm going to call JD right now and have a serious discussion about the awesome crib we saw last night for $200.00.  Another post coming soon. 

Much Love!

ks

Prayers for a Fellow Blogger

I was so saddened to read this news this morning.  I actually had to read it 5 times before it clicked.  One of my favorite bloggers Jennepper has had to deliver her twins early due to Pre E and a tiny twin that hadn't grown in 3 weeks.  Unfortunately the bigger baby Evelyn did not make it.  Ainsley (tiny twin) is stable but at the Children's Hospital.  Please take the time to pop over and offer your support, comfort, or prayers for baby Ainsley and baby Evelyn.

If you haven't read Jennepper before I do recommend staying awhile and reading some of her other entries.  I find her to be one of the funniest blogs I read.  Even JD asks me to read her updates.  We are both very sad to hear of her loss today.  We will be lighting a candle tonight in prayer for Evelyn and one for Ainsley to keep fighting.

With a sad heart!

ks

Thoughts... (Warning Anxiety)

My heart is broken for a fellow blogger.  Paige I am thinking of you today.  I don't know why this has happened to you.  My heart broke when I read your entry yesterday.  Please know that you and your sweet angel boy are in my prayers.  

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I don't understand why things like this have to happen.  I know that there are reasons for everything, I get that...but still...   I've seen too many good women suffer again and again.  And yet there are so many people out there who should never be parents, and they get it so easy.  Why???  Don't tell me it's because that child is going to do wonderful things.  That's BUNK!  Most children that come from families with drug, alcohol, and / or abuse do not turn around and do fantastic things with their lives.  No they continue the god damn cycle!  It's just so frustrating.  We all want this so badly.  We have a love so deep that we want to share and yet we are banished to struggle, fight, and cry for it.  Infertility you suck!

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We got our Doppler on Friday.  The only bloody heart beat I can find is my own gosh dang it.  Have I been a bit cranky since then?  You bet your sweet ass I have been.  I don't feel pregnant.  I don't feel hopeful.  I feel hopeless, sad, and angry.  Okay maybe angry is a bit soft!  (Oh I know it could be too early, but c'mon really?!?!) 

On my Support Board there are 3 separate boards.  Yellow is for Trying to Conceive via DE, Pink is for Pregnant by DE, and Green is for Still Trying Thru DE.  I obviously am a green board member.  We call ourselves the Jaded Ladies.  I have yet to 'officially' join the Pink board for fear.  After losing B and hearing about Paige, Margolis, Mo, to name a few, I feel like I am always going to be a Jaded Lady.  How is this going to work out for me, when I see it fail for so many others who are just as deserving.

If you are still reading this.  I'm sorry for sounding like I don't appreciate the success we have finally found.  But to be truly honest I don't call it success until Bebe is at home sleeping in a bassinet.  Then maybe my fears and anxieties about loss will leave me.  I hope the rest of my successful bloggers are feeling more positive than I am.  Please don't let my fears ruin this for you.  And to the rest that are still trying I hope when you have success that there are no speed bumps, no spotting, no beta he!! and no drama!

Much Love

ks

Sad Day Today

One of our fellow blog friends is suffering loss #6 today.  My heart just breaks for Mo and Will.  They have been absolute warriors in this trying to conceive battle.  Please if you have any words for someone who has suffered repeated loss' or you just want to add your prayers and condolences, pop over to Life and Love in the Petri Dish.

Mo and Will are with the best clinic is the country.  And they have done extensive testing on the embryo prior to transfer.  I don't know why this has happened to them again.  And I don't know that they will ever truly get any answers.  This whole ttc thing is impossibly hard and unfair.  We all try to stay positive and optimistic but when you are continually faced with these types of loss' it is so very hard.

Mo & Will I am thinking of you today.  You are both in my heart and prayers.

Much Love

ks