March 1, 2014

About Baby B

Those of you that have been with me from the beginning, know about Baby B.  Those of you that are new to my blog, might not.  I tend not to speak about bebe B very much.  I've had this post rolling around in my head for awhile now, but I've been nervous to post it.  I have a few followers who are twin moms and I follow a few blogs that are expecting twins, so I didn't know how they would like reading about the loss of one.  But...this is my place to let my feelings out, and this is something that has been weighing on my heart for 3 years now.
 
When I was first pregnant with Lola there was a second baby there, bebe B.  JD and I were ecstatic to say the least.  We had been hoping and praying for twins.  As we knew that our finances were going to dictate how many children we would have IF we had any.  And getting 2 for 1 was just awesome! We had always wanted 3 children.  So having twins felt like we might actually have the family we always wished for.
 
However...it was not to be...I lost bebe B due to a very large SCH.  We were devastated.  But we couldn't mourn the way we needed to.  We still had bebe A to worry about.  And everyone kept telling us, "it's okay, most people lose one and don't know it, it was God's will, etc..."  So I quit talking to anyone about it.  As these statements did nothing other than piss me off.  What happened that morning the SCH made it's presence known, there was no way you wouldn't know you were losing a baby.  There was so much blood.  And JD's scream when he saw it and me haunts me to this day.  It was a guttural scream of NOOOOOO! 
 
I feel guilty that I lost bebe B.  Even though I know it wasn't my fault.  And I'm so incredibly thankful that LolaBean made it.  I honestly believe that neither baby would have made it if the pregnancy had continued with two.  I was so sick all the way through the pregnancy.  And Lola's health was very precarious all the way through as well.  But it doesn't mean I don't have unresolved feelings about the loss. 
 
I wanted my twins.  I wanted my two babies that have that special connection.  I wanted that challenge of juggling two at once.  I wanted the joy of watching 2 little ones discover the world and each other together.  I carry this pang with me.  And there are times when I look at Lola and feel so very sad that I lost her womb mate.  
 
But the reality is we are so very lucky to have the family we have.  And I feel incredibly lucky that Lucy's pregnancy was so easy.  IF our family is complete, I will be fine with it.  I will always carry a special place in my heart for bebe B though. 
 
My point of this post though is this.  To admit that I have trouble with twin announcements.  I think because I wasn't allowed to grieve the little life we lost.  And because I am one of those not so great twin stories, I like to keep my head down and just say congrats and move on.   My life has been forever changed with my IF diagnosis.  I was never an envious person before.  And now...?  I get a little green eyed when it comes to fertiles, easy pregnancies and twins.  Great!  How much more of a sinner can I be?  But it is the truth.  I'm not proud of it.  But I can't hide from it.  And pretending that bebe B never existed has not helped at all.  I carried that little peanut for 17 weeks.  B passed at 8.5 weeks.  I saw my little one there beside Lola every week for 8 more weeks.  Crushing my heart every time.  I was left feeling empty when my body finally absorbed it.  Relieved but empty.  It's such a mix of emotions when it comes to a loss like this so early on.
 
I don't know if others experience this after losing one baby in a twin pregnancy (early on).  Everyone seems to move on from it because they are worried about the other baby, and then they never talk about it again.  But I'm going to talk about it.  I miss bebe B.  Even though you were only here for a very short time, you have a big place in my heart.  I wish things could have been different.  I wish I could have carried you and Lola in a healthy pregnancy and you two would grow up together.  But alas this could not be.  You were needed elsewhere at the time.  I love you B. 
 
 JD and I have discussed many times if this is it for our family.  And we honestly don't know.  There is no chance of a miraculous conception.  So it would have to be a full new DE cycle.     With finances the way they are now.  We are done.  But if something changes...We would definitely do another cycle.  But not for 3-4 years.  And what's funny is he would love it if there were 2 as well.  As he too feels like that is the unfinished business we have.  Like a challenge.  Maybe just maybe, with hopeful hearts...
 
...is it inconceivable...

Much Love!

ks

4 comments:

Jen said...

I'm really very sorry for your loss. You have every right to feel the way you do. Any loss is devastating in my eyes. I lost my first pregnancy at only eight weeks and was extremely hurt by some people's comments - some almost made me feel like at eight weeks, she wasn't really a baby. But she was, and we mourned her and it still brings me to tears to think about my little Sesame - who would have been four years old now. Beyond thankful for my 10-month old little miracle sleeping down the hall but I still mourn the loss of what would have been his sibling.

J o s e y said...

Big hugs KS...

Have you read this recent post?
http://thelewisnote.blogspot.com/2014/02/why-miscarriage-matters-if-youre-pro.html

I'm not a pro-lifer, but I LOVE the message about how a miscarried child's life deserves to be given as much importance and grieved as any other baby.

I truly hope you're able to add to your family some day again if that's what you still desire.

Michelle D said...

KS I've been thinking about this post. I was following you when you were elated with twins and then later devastated by the loss of B and the following fears and complications. I'm so glad that you have Lola (and now Lucy as well) but I know that doesn't heal the hurt and ache for Baby B. I hope that my posts are not hurtful but I know there are probably pin pricks from some things I may say. I wish you had all your babies. Every loss is hard no matter the circumstance or timing. Anyway many thoughts going out to you in regards to such a precious loss.

Anonymous said...

Delurking here-- I had to comment because we have a very similar journey.

We two were pregnant with twins on our 1st IVF and lost our Baby "A" at 12 weeks. It was probably due to a SCH because I bleed at 10 weeks, had both heartbeats for another two weeks, and then Baby "A"'s heartbeat stopped at 12 weeks.

Twin "B" just turned six last week and she is the oldest of our three girls. (Two subsequent FET's).

I was really inconsolable for days after we found out, then like you pulled it together for the other baby. I thought I would be sad after her birth but was so elated to be a Mom that I just did not dwell on it. I too thought if I had carried both we would have had premmie's and firmly believe it was God's plan.

Now that I know we are done having kids I have been thinking about that baby more and more. My beloved Grandmother recently passed and I know that she is holding a little hand in heaven and watching over my other little one.

I wanted to let you know I completely understand and your feelings are very valid.

Just keep putting it out there until you don't need to anymore.

Congrats on your two beautiful girls.