November...

Boo!  Hiss!  What a bad month you have been to me.  I am very happy that tomorrow is a new month.  One filled with family gatherings, hugs, hot chocolate, snow days, and best of all hope!  Hope for a different year ahead.  Hope for a better, healthier, happier me!  I'm going to focus on all the right things in my life.

I might still ask WHY? every now and again.  I feel entitled to question the purpose of this struggle.  I might feel like it's only me, but it's not.  There are so many woman out there right beside me.  All they've experienced as well is failure...  But not next year.  Next year we taste success!  Next year it's our turn to do baby bump updates, tickers in the corner counting down the days, next year we get to experience joy...  Be happy ladies one more month and we are out of stinky 2009!  C'mon 2010! 

Rah!  Rah!  Sis!  Boom!  Bah!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay cheerleading is over...now onto other things...  We are going to do our FET in January.  I am very realistic about doing this and know that the chances of both thawing and sticking are not great.  I've seen the stats.  With this being said, we ARE pushing forward with a consult at another clinic near us about doing a fresh cycle.  JD and I feel like we've waited this long just to have a shot that we can't not try just because of finances.  We don't know how we are going to figure it out, and we will probably be in debt forever...or live in the house we are in for another 10 years...but we would regret not taking the chance and we are not getting any younger.  So that's where we are!

I'm okay today.  I still seem to have moments of sadness and self pity.  Especially since everyone else who cycled in November was successful, except for 1 other who has had a rotten ride too...  But I ate breakfast this morning..(first time since failure)  I actually brought a small lunch...(again first since failure)...I just need to remember to take my vitamins again, drink my water, and keep going to the gym.  Definitely moving forward!

We will Survive...

I'm okay...I guess...I'm frustrated...but today I'm dressed, I'm at work, I'm approaching customers with a smile on my face, a fake smile, but to them I look happy, helpful, and like I want to be here.  So I guess I'm making progress.  Which is good.  I still have crying jags here and there.  I don't know if those will ever really go away...

JD and I have decided we are going to go ahead with the FET.  We are going to beg, borrow, and steal (okay not steal) our way to get this finished.  We at least want to be done with this donor and all the FET's so that we can start thinking about and planning "Plan C".  Neither one of us knows what "plan C" really is yet.  Is it another cycle with a new donor, is it adoption, is it deciding to live child free???  We don't know.  Yup...you read right...this week I looked at the Adoption Websites...and yup...I clicked off them really quickly too.  I have nothing against it really.  I just have a really hard time facing the fact the I won't carry my husband's child.  That even though there's is nothing wrong with JD that I can't give him a child of his own. 

I think if this is the way we are going to go I will need sometime to grieve.  I think I'll need some help dealing with that loss of life inside me...  I know carrying a child is only one small 9 month part of being a mother, but it is the part I have dreamed about since I was a little girl playing mother to my cat Misty and my Cabbage Patch Doll Rebecca!

One thing I do know through all of this...  We can survive this.  With the support of our families, and with big sloppy kisses from the 3 musketeers.  We will survive this.  My mantra for the FET is going to be mind over matter.  I'm going to focus only on positive thoughts, this will work, they will thaw, they will be transferred, I will get pregnant.  We will SUCCEED and SURVIVE!

Dark and Moody...

So how are we doing 2 weeks after our failure???  Are we determined?  Do we feel like positive things are in our future?  Do we feel like working, eating, or doing anything?  No. No. And No...  We are hanging by our fingernails.  We get up everyday because we have responsabilities we have to face.  I eat when I'm reminded to...  We go through the motions... 

I had a breakdown lastnight.  We got the figures on what our FET is going to cost us.  And I sat back and thought, how can I bankrupt us?  How can we lose everything we have worked so hard for, and still possibly end up with nothing.  It's not just the FET, it's the new cycle we were talking about, it's the cycle we just finished, it's the cost that this whole IF journey has already cost us.  1 year ago we were sitting very flush in our finances.  Now not so much.  It's not dire or anything.  It's just that I can't even think about taking the risks we were talking about taking without knowing that we will have a good outcome.  I know, I know there are no guarantees.  But dang it! 

This is why I haven't posted in awhile.  I have nothing cheery, witty, or even interesting to say.  We are in a dark place right now and will probably live here for a little while.  Sorry!  This SUCKS!

Spin Class can be Dangerous!!!

To try to work off some of our aggression JD and I have been hitting the gym pretty hard.  We've wanted to try a spin class for awhile, and last night we were home in time to make it.  Yahh!  Off we go to the gym, we were there 15 min early so we got our bikes set and started peddling slowly to get ready.  Okay 15 min in...a little puke came up...  Yup spin class is a killer!  But we kept going...  30 min in, the instructor has us standing up and sitting down every 2 counts.  No problem...okay small problem...  I have no idea how but I pinched the skin on my upper leg.  I let out a little yelp, but I kept going.  It felt like my ass/chooch was on fire!!!  I kept looking down to see if there was blood pooling under me, because it was hurting so bad I thought maybe I sliced my leg open.  Nope no blood!

The class ends.  We made it thru!  Soaking wet with sweat, tired and hungry we head home.  Off to the bath I go, JD to the shower.  I make dinner, we sit and eat...I hurt...and I'm still sweating!  LOL!  Every time I get off the couch I'm wincing.  I finally go to the bathroom to see what I have done...  Look in the mirror, I see nothing.  Bend over and look at my inner thigh!  OMG!  There is a baseball size bruise the colour of night!  Jeepers creepers did I ever pinch myself on the bike.  So ladies the moral of this story...  If you're a little chubby in the bum and thighs be very careful at spin class...  You really don't want to pinch your ass on that seat!  Trust me!!!

I guess it's good that we are going and doing it though, as last night we actually smiled and laughed.  Of course at the expense on my fat bum, but we were laughing none the less! 

Sorry for the pity party yesterday.  Everyday is different right now.  Coming off all the hormones, and the failure.  I'm not going to be myself for awhile.  But we will survive.  We've survived 5 years of infertility hell already.  Yes everyone, I have done acupuncture, so much so that I personally financed her new shop!  I've done DHEA, wheatgrass, organic, no dairy, no red meat, tons of folic acid, greens plus, you name it I've tried it.  My eggs are shit!  I am starting to have menopausal symptoms...with an FSH of 72 are you surprised!  I'm not!  I can't do IUI or timed intercourse.  I have blocked tubes, and a clubbed ovary.  Trust me we have looked at all options of ttc before finally making the move to DE in May.  I know you are all trying to be helpful and supportive and I totally appreciate it, I really do.  But after 5 years...there is really not a lot we haven't tried. 

JD and I talked yesterday, and we are going to do our FET in January.  Neither one of us is expecting the embryos to thaw.  We are trying to arrange an appointment with another clinic here locally that has a great reputation, and my RE does work with them as well.  We aren't going to wait until after the FET to start arranging everything for a new cycle, we are going to get it started sooner rather than later as it can take 4-6 months to get organized.  We are going to do something with our finances I really hoped we wouldn't have to do.  But our situation is what it is.  And we are not ready to give up just yet.  We both really want one more cycle with a different donor, with a clinic that stimulates the shit out of their donors!  So this is where we are today...  We'll see what tomorrow brings.  Much love to anyone who reads my ramblings! 

ks