January 6, 2017

Healthy Living

About 5 years ago I was at my highest weight.  Post partum after Lola I was still at 200 lbs.  I am only 5'2!  I gained a ton of weight with Lola's pregnancy, but I was already 40 lbs. overweight to begin with.  Unfortunately for me, I am not someone who loses weight while breast feeding.  I seeked assistance in January but found it was too expensive.  I cried and cried, but I picked myself up and got busy.  I started going to boot camp 1x a week and started a learn to run class.  So I was running 3x a week.  But my nutrition was not there.  I had no clue how to eat properly.  I've never eaten properly.  I've always eaten only 1-2 times a day.  And I hated all vegetables.   In February the weight loss clinic I visited had a 1/2 price special hit.  Jordan said "okay babe, HIT it, you need this!"  I learned so much there.  I changed my life.  I started eating properly.  Right portion sizes.  Right amount of veggies.  Hey what do you know I actually love most green vegs!  And I started drinking water.  I continued to run.  I continued to hit some light weight classes, but I mostly focused on running and riding my bike.  It was my 'ME' time!  Just me and the road.  I bought a jogging stroller and started taking Lola.  I was determined to get my weight under control and be healthy before attempting my last frostie.  I went from 184 lbs to 131 lbs.  

With Lucy I only gained 30 lbs. and again this time I could not lose the weight until I stopped breast feeding and returned to my program.  I still needed the guidance and the 3x a week nutrition counselling.  I would take in my journal and we would go through everything.  I was weighed and measured, and we would discuss different options for maximizing my nutrition with the amount of running and biking I was doing.  I was back sliding into the not eating again.  Enter the smoothies...

I tried every type of protien shake that was out there.  Even the crazy expensive one from the weight clinic.  All of them made me gain weight and tasted horrid.  Finally I tried Shakeo.  I was sold.  LOVE it!  It is my maintenance shake.  I use this to ensure I get enough nutrients and eat through out the day.  It has also helped me maintain my weight and lose when I need to.  I tend to use it as a protein addition rather than a meal replacement.  I'm not going to peddle this to you.  I just want to document what worked for me.  

Here I sit 4 years later at 121 lbs.  still drinking my shakeo and signing up for the BeachBody On Demand.  Lol!  I'm not super huge into at home workouts.  However, my hips are giving me trouble with running lately, and I need an alternate work out for days I don't run or hit the trainer on my bike. I'm going to document my attempt at the at home workout though.  As I like to see the changes that happen.  And if I can encourage any of my readers, that this is doable...Then it was worth sharing.  

Here are my before pics, during, and current.  

Side vanity note here:  I was not in prime shape for this 1/2.  My best time is actually 2:06.  And I am determined that I will crush a sub 2 hour 1/2 in my future!  Lol! 

Thanks for reading.  If you think change is impossible..then change will never happen.  Make the impossible possible!  Believe in yourself, you're worth it!







Much Love
Karen

December 22, 2016

Happy Holidays...my @ss!!!

*Warning ADULT language is used*
This is not going to be a happy happy joy joy post.  This will be a rant...  A WOO is me post.  And I'm sorry if this offends you, but if you tell me it's always darkest before dawn kind of crap I will virtually throat punch you!  Just sayin'!

Where to start...

I've had 3 kidney infections since mid November.

Passed possibly 2-3 kidney stones.

Had 5-6 migraines (lasting upwards to 5 days)

Entire house caught the norovirus - all at separate intervals.  Of course mine came on super sudden while parking the car at dance class.  I had just enough time to open the car door and projectile vomit all over the parking lot.  Classy!!!  Oh and then I had to continue solo parenting the remainder of the day which consisted of returning to dance for a third class after the 2nd ended, after running home to make lunch for the girls, throw up 2x more then hustle RIGHT back to trio practice.  Hubby caught it the next day and it was like he was dying...there was no parenting help from him.  Oh No he slept until noon.  Had soup lunch made for him, and a nice easy on the tummy dinner...Go F yourself man flu bullsh!t

Our minivans power cable for the doors snapped - cost $800 to fix, so we are not doing that... Temporary fix, no power doors = $130.

Had my coop review.  They really liked me.  Really quite a nice review.  However, we do not have a position for you in the budget, so we will be letting you go...oh but you must finish out your contract and work through the holidays....  FAWK ME!!!

I'm a total girl and cried at work after this meeting.  I tried to hide it.  But I think I failed...  :(

Took a day off for a dental appointment, Christmas concert, and scored an interview for that day! And Lola wakes up at 5:30 vomiting.  FAWK ME!!!  Managed to have someone watch her while I went to the interview.  Let's just say it was the most unprofessional interview I have ever been to.  I do not want that job at all!  

Soooo I'm a gigantic loser right now.  I have a black cloud over my head.  I'm questioning the review I was given.  My direct supervisor, says absolutely not, but I feel like a total loser.  I talked to HR about leaving early and he is requiring a letter of intent that I will not honor my contract...  So yeah I'm stuck here until the 30th.

Oh and to top all of this sh!t off.  My dog is dying.  My ol man.  Tonka.  He is 15 years old and he has been declining all year.  We've been preparing ourselves for this, but it looks like it is going to happen within the next few days, and if it doesn't we are going to have to put him down right after Christmas...right at Jordan's birthday.  Fucking timing of everything could not get any fucking better. He has had a couple of rough days lately.  Last night in particular I thought he was going to pass.  He started coughing like dogs do with heart failure.  And when I held him to help him relax and breath, he just has nothing left to him.  He's probably only 3.5 lbs now...  I mean he topped out at 5 lbs.  But there is really nothing left to him.  

Oh and yeah it's Jordan's birthday.  It's his 40th!  AND I have nothing planned.  I am a total piece of crap wife.  I tried to get a party going but it's near impossible.  It falls right in between Christmas and New Year's and I'm working all the way through.  And since all of this shit has transpired in the last 2 weeks, everything I was planning got put on the back burner as it has taken everything in me just to get Christmas close to being ready.  Jordan helps - at times, but really all the Christmas prep falls to me.  All the shopping for the kids, ours and others, teacher gifts, decorations, baking, cooking, sick days, dance classes, gymnastics, dogs, house cleaning, cooking, and I drive 40 hours a week with over 15 hours of driving for my commute.  

HMMMMMMM...  I wonder why I'm stressed?

So yeah...2016 can go FUCK itself just like 2015. 

I hold no preconceived notions regarding 2017 being a better year.  I'm very tuned in to the fact that my life is meant to be a struggle.  A teaching lesson of sorts I guess.  Nothing is ever going to come easy for me.  Marriage, house, kids, school, work...all of it a LOT of hardwork was involved.  And I would never classify myself as a success.  Just with my girls.  That is the only Win!  And let's remember they took 7 years to get too...  

I'm so reminded of a song by Depeche Mode.  Blasphemous Rumors. You can see the link to the song underneath this post.  It's the chorus that resonates with me. 

"I think that God's got a sick sense of humour.  And when I die I expect to find him laughing"

Don't worry about me..I'll pull it out, I just might not be smiling on the inside.  And I can guarantee you the last 2 weeks I've done a LOT of crying in my car.

Peace and Love to you all!
Karen



[Rare] Depeche Mode - The Rumour (Blasphemous Rumours, 1984)

December 6, 2016

Mommy Secrets

Do you want me to share a little secret with you?
You do!
Ok...
You know those mom's you think have it all together.  Their hair is always done, makeup on, clothes on point, kids are clean, hair done, lunches packed, homemade dinners, clean houses, they work out, and they work full time...?
Oh you do!  You hate them!  Yeah me too...
Except...here's the secret.
I'm one of them.
And the bigger secret...
I feel like a failure and I seriously cry in my car ALL the time!

I seem to have little breakdowns every now and again.  Where everything just becomes too much!  I fall into a funk.  I'm an emotional person, some might say passionate.  And I tend to throw everything into everything I do.  Here's the issue...  I'm not able to push as hard as I have in the past.  I run myself out, and then I get sick either with a migraine or my kidney issues flair up.  And then I feel awful guilt.  Guilt as a mom because I feel like I should be doing more with my kids, and I work such long days, that I miss a lot of things.  

And because of the long working days I tend to run like a crazy person every weekend.  By the time Monday is here I'm burned out already and the week hasn't started.  

All of this to say...Hey Moms, you are NOT alone.  And when you get low, reach out to your other mom friends.  Meet up, even if it is just for a coffee.  You never know they might actually need it more than you.  

I reached out 2 weeks ago to my neighbour.  We went for drinks and appetizers last week.  She needed it.  She is having awful anxiety attacks.  She actually was at the point where she reached out at work for counselling.   I'm so glad that she feels comfortable talking with me about it.  I hope she found some comfort talking about it, and was not embarrassed after the fact.  I know that's usually how I am when I open up to people, I replay it all in my mind and question "should I have said anything...".  The advise that the counselor gave her sounds pretty bang on to me.  And I'm so proud of her for stepping out of her comfort zone and actually attempting a couple of things that the counsellor suggested.

I have a pretty good idea where my anxiety is stemming from.  I'm over medicated on my thyroid medication.  And my life seems to be in a constant shit show of stress.  I'm hanging in there, but just barely.  And I feel like talking about it is just me complaining about it.  

Blah!
More to come!
Much Love!
Karen

November 24, 2016

Drawing the Lines

I know I talked about an issue with my brother in the past.  His excessive drinking issue.  My relationship with this brother has been a roller coaster ride for the better part of the last 15 years.  The excessive drinking has been an issue for well over 20 years at this point.  Along with the drinking he is a pathological liar.  So I'm sure you can understand why the relationship has had it's ups and downs.  I have always supported my brother and been his safe place to land or call when he's needed help.  Even when his antics have hurt me so deeply...not just emotionally but physically (my miscarriage of baby B spawned after an evening of him verbally abusing, attacking me until the wee hours of the morning).  He's always been narcissistic and LOVES to play the victim in all of his relationships, including with my parents. 

It's been almost a year...and I have not spoken to him.  I have no intentions of connecting with him in the near future.  I tried to stay out of the turmoil that had been boiling within the family for the last 3 years.  To no avail...

'The Fight that Fractured the Family'
My middle brother T and drunk B had a LARGE falling out.  Drunk B was drunk and belligerent, and became physically violent towards my T and my 70 year old father at T's 40th Birthday party.  Yes in front of all of his friends.  He even verbally attacked my sister in law!?!?  Suffice it to say this was the last time the 2 brothers spoke until last January.  My parent's amazingly enough defended drunk B saying "well he's an alcoholic, he sick, it'll be ok...we'll talk to him."  I stayed out of it...  Drunk B's girlfriend (who wasn't there) wanted no part of it.  Believed that T was wrong and needed to apologize, but wanted to hear no part of what drunk B had done or said.  Obviously this was a mess! My parent's pushed and pushed for a reconciliation, which was NOT going to happen. 

'The Camel's Back'
Out of the blue.  On January 22 2016 we all received emails at 8am from drunk B.  It was incoherent. It was an F YOU email to the entire family.  Claiming he had called and apologized to T and we could all go F ourselves for thinking this was required...  I promptly received a phone call from T.  He explained to me that drunk B had called that morning at 7:30, his wife hadn't realized who it was, as the voice was extremely slurred.  T got on the phone and B says "Hey it's B, everyone says I need to apologize, so yeah I'm sorry.  We good?"  T didn't engage or encourage much more conversation.  He said "okay thank you for the apology" and ended the call.

From that point on we were bombarded with abusive emails until 10am.  Calling us names, that we are worthless human beings, I'm a joke, none of us would ever be employed or have a clue on how to succeed in life.  Yada yada yada, the crap went on...  It was horrifying.  He attacked my mom, our spouses, and our children.  He advised us all that, the only people who care about our children are us, they aren't anything special.  There was only one email sent back to him and it was me...I corrected him on my age (he was 2 years off) and I told him to go F himself!  

My Dad called him and he was slurring, barely able to speak, he promptly informed my father that if they ever stepped foot on his property he would have them arrested.

The emails continued...for 3 weeks.  Randomly.  Incoherent.  Rambling.  Abusive.  All being sent at 5 am or earlier. I have had to block him, phone and email.  None of these emails were sent on Saturday or Sunday, they were all mid week, which means he had been on a weekday binder and wasn't sleeping.  He also claimed to be at work for most of them, sending them from his work email. WTH?!?!?  How he still has a job is beyond me.

By February I made the decision to completely cut him out of my life.  I have very low self esteem and confidence already, and the constant verbal attacks on my character were affecting me TOO much!   My parents didn't talk to him until June.  And of course he acted like nothing had happened. His dog is dying, his girlfriend (whole 'nother story!) left him and he needed help, so he was nicey nicey to them.  They helped him, and he hasn't spoken to them again since.  And they live 1/2 hour away from each other.  Nice right?!?!

Dealing with an Alcoholic
Listen...  I know cutting someone out of your life when they are 'sick' is not the right thing to do. However, when their illness is self inflicted (*), is abusive and are completely toxic to your home environment, at some point you have to say enough is enough.  I have cried more than I can tell you about this decision.  I'm positive I've thought more about my brother's issue than he has.  My daughters and my husband deserve the best me that I can be.  And with drunk B in my life...I'm not her.  He is so venomous with character attacks that it takes me forever to recover.  I don't deserve that. My girls don't deserve that.  And God dammit I'm not going to allow that crap to be a poison in my life anymore.

Should he ever finally seek rehab, only then will I consider allowing communication again but not with my daughters.

I tried to get my parents to go to an Al-Anon meeting this winter, summer, and now this fall...to no avail.  My Dad still claims he's going to talk to him..  Hahaha!  What's the point?  It's been 11 months.  And you've already shown him that it's okay, by reaching out in the summer and granting him favors!  I mean enable much!?!?!  I really wanted my parents to attend a meeting as they have really enabled this and they just CAN'T see that!  It's fucking frustrating!!!!

And I'm sorry if you think this is awful of me.  This is honestly the hardest decision I have made.  I think of B every day.  I miss him.  I cry in my car by myself.  He was my best friend.  We've always been especially close, even though there is a 9 year age difference.  And even through all the drinking and drugs...Oh yes there has been drugs as well....  My tight knit family I once had is no longer.  My family is fractured beyond repair.  And now I cling to my own little family.  I instill on my daughter's how important family is.  And you better believe that I will have an iron fist when it comes to drinking and drugs.

* I'm sorry I have trouble with this... he chose to drink, he has also chosen to continue to drink, it is not a disease like cancer. He has hit rock bottom on many occasions, and he has been supported, each time, to stop drinking but he choses to continue.

November 22, 2016

Viva Las Vegas!

We have just gotten back from our yearly trip to LasVe.gas!  Love that place!  I say 'yearly', when in fact this is only the 2nd year that we've gone, but we have established that this is going to be an ongoing 'adult' trip with my parents and another couple.  We have such a great time together.  If I can give any of you future Rock N Roll runners a tip ... it is this.. Do NOT expect LasVeg.as to be where you set a pr!  Especially if you reside up North in Canada where our elevation is only approx 700 ft. You will find you are sucking some major wind on this run.  That and the fact that it's a night run in VEGAS!  Oh did I mention Vegas!  Lol!  Where the drinks and food flow!

No speed records were set, actually I set my WORST run time ever there!  Do I care?  Nope!!  It is so much fun.  And I'm so proud of myself for actually running it.  Even Jordan was all over me "Let's skip it babe?!"  I said no!  I'm committed to running this and I'm running it.  It's my closing run of the season, so there is NO way I am eating the race entry fee.  Not when I've had to drop out of so many races in the last year (health issues).

So to those that are wondering, yes I am still running and cycling.  I definitely am not able to train like I have in the past.  I've had quite a few set backs.  I fractured 3 ribs in 6 places last summer (with a sneeze?!?!?  I know!  WTF?!?!?)  And I've had some kidney issues that are unfortunately an ongoing issue still.  3 weeks prior to the rib fiasco I had 6 kidney stones.  Nightmare!!!  Then the ribs, which I was misdiagnosed 3x.  And reinjured continually.  They have now healed but I have an edge that sticks out right at the breast where one did not heal properly.  We've also uncovered some issues with the kidneys, that require further testing (possible metabolic disorder), but I have been an idiot for the last year and not finished the testing....  I was hanging by a thread, dealing with pain management, parenting, working out and school.  I had to put the specialist appointments on the back burner.  And now it's been a full year and I need to get my shit together as the flank pain is getting worse, and now I'm starting to worry.  I mean the MRI was clean...so...?

School.  Oh school!  I'm done!  Thank the Lord above I am done!  My last semester was torture.  I overloaded myself with courses (took 2 extra), and barely had time to think.  My one class alone monopolized 18 hours of work per week.  It was insane.  But I finished the semester with some great marks!  And I'm just finishing up my final work term.  I'm back where I co-oped last winter.  And it ends Dec 23.  I've had no offer to stay on...I don't know if one is coming.  I have an exit interview coming up, so if one is coming it'll happen then.  But...to be honest, if they don't offer me something I don't think I'll be that unhappy.  Sure I'll be disappointed, as I know it's a reflection of my capabilities, and I've enjoyed working here, I thought I was a good personality fit with the IT team (18 of us). BUT I miss my girls.  And I'm working 1 hour away from home.  Which means I'm out of the house with the girls at daycare from 7 - 6:20 every day.  It's too much, with them being so little still.  Part time work would be perfect.  I started sending out resumes 2 weeks ago.  I don't know.  We'll see what the future holds.

There have been a lot of things going on in my life that I have come on here to share and then left the post sitting in my drafts.  I'm such an inconsistent blogger that I just feel like, who cares anymore!? But you know I started this blog for myself.  So I'm updating where we are at this moment, with health and career.  I'll post again soon and update you on some of the other changes in my life.

Much Love!
Karen (ks)

November 10, 2016

Updates (Lola & Lucy)



I know I'm a terrible blogger about keeping up my site, but I'm not going to close up shop.  I don't know how many people still read here or even ever followed me.   That was never the reason I started this blog, this was my place to come and get my thoughts out about my infertility journey.  And each wicked turn that it took us on.  Now that I am on the other side, it doesn't make me any less infertile. I'm still fighting with my Dr's.  I'm currently trying to get a referral back to a new RE.  I still have POF - premature ovarian failure.  I still long for more children.  Right now though that is not going to happen. 

Time to update you on the girls!

Lola.  Oh my goodness!  This little girl is just ALL heart.  She is the sweetest little girl.  We couldn't have asked a better big sister for Lucy.  Lola is in SK now, and learning new things at warp speed. She is working very hard on reading on her own, and is constantly practicing her addition and subtraction.  It is just incredible watching her enthusiasm for learning.  I LOVE it!  She is on the competition team again at dance.  And this year she will also be doing a trio number.  She is working very hard on her trio.  She understands she only has 5 practices and then they are on the stage, so she is really making sure that she gets in 15-20 minutes of practice a night.  (I taped her last class and just toss it up onto the TV).  She is also doing gymnastics again.  We had taken the summer off of gymnastics and that turned out to be a mistake.  She was very mad at us about her not being in it in the summer.  But summer was so expensive for classes, and the schedule didn't work that well with my class schedule.  We ended up buying the girls a trampoline at the end of the summer.  Heaven knows why we didn't do this sooner.  Lola LOVES the trampoline!  And her gymnastics has gotten a lot better the more time she spends on it.  Her legs are getting stronger and her confidence is building. She is still just a petite little thing.  She's only 38 lbs and about 3 feet 6 inches.  She is wearing size 5 clothing but it has to be adjustable or her pants will fall down.  I realized the other day that she was still wearing some size 3 pj's.  Oooops!  I really need to go pj shopping.

She's had a fabulous summer and is rocking right on through the start of her school year.  She started to enjoy going for bike rides more and more.  She's still not ready to try it without the training wheels and she is still slower on her bike than baby sister, but we have made huge progress on the bike!  She loves swimming, water slides and roller coasters.  Her favorite family fun days were the beach or Canada's Wonderland.  Which we really tried to get out and enjoy as much as possible.

Lola is really into her family.  ALL of her family.  She begs to go see her Nana, Ahah, cousins, Grandma & Grandpa.  She likes her friends too, but she really cherishes her family.  I don't know where or who has imparted this into her, but I love it.  Family is everything to me.  My family is kind of fractured and it breaks my heart, so the ones that are close to us, I hold very close.  Maybe she picks up on this from me?!?!?

I could go on and on about LolaBean.  She really is just the sweetest treasure.  JD and I have always said we are going to be mending a broken heart every week when she is a teenager, but I wouldn't change a thing.  I'm so excited to see what her future will be like.  She is going to be a healer in some way.  Whether she is a teacher or nurse, or whatever, she will always be THAT friend that you call when you need a hug.

Now onto Lucy...  Oh Lucy!  Oh my Goosey!
She is ...  well she's Lucy Lu.  She's a comedian through and through.  Her timing is incredible.  Her smart little wit is shocking for a 3 year old.  She keeps us on our toes daily.  Lucy is in preschool 2 now and loves it.  She's been to Lola's school twice now this year and she is super excited to attend it next year.  She got a little disappointed when we informed her that no she wouldn't be in Lola's class.  They seem to not understand that the 2 year difference is not going to change.  Lol!

Lucy weighs in at 26.8 lbs and she is about 3'2 height.  So they are both tiny little girls.  But they are healthy and happy, so there is no concern.  They're just petite.  Lucy is insistent she only wear size 3 and 4 clothes.  She LOVES it when she gets to wear Lola's 4t clothes!  I can just see the fights that are coming in our future.  Oh boy!

Lucy is a very athletic little girl.  I was a very athletic young girl so I had really hoped my girls would be too.  Lola loves to be active but she's super uncoordinated as of yet, but her drive is there so she'll get better.  But Lucy, oh my goodness Lucy!  Lola played ball this year and Lucy was insistent at practice that she play too, so the coach would let her.  Dang nammit Lucy was way better than Lola! Lol!  So Lucy is in PlayBall 1x week (3rd time 8 week session), pre-dance (ballet basics) and gymnastics.  And she is flourishing in gymnastics.  I have a feeling she will be asked to join their regional team in another year.  She is fearless on the bars.  And with having a trampoline she's building up her core muscles and doing much better on floor as well.

Her speech is incredible.  Totally legible.  We still have work to do on the 'th' sound, but it'll get there. She still has a gap in the front of her teeth.  I'm surprised actually as I know Lola's was gone at this point.  We read stories almost every night and we are starting to try to teach her her sight words.  I really don't think we have much to worry about with Lola or Lucy and school though.  These girls seem to soak up information and LOVE learning new things.  I think because they saw me go back to school and learn a new talent, they have a good understanding that education can lead to many new adventures.  Well at least that's what we try to teach them.  We are really trying to get them both excited about science and experiments.  Not because I want them to do anything with it, but science is at the root of most of the greatest inventions in our time!  Anyway...

I'd like to leave you with a little Lucy video Jordan (JD) and I captured the other night.  I hope it makes you laugh like I did! (see the next post for the video)


Much Love
Karen (ks)

LucyDancing.mp4

July 13, 2016

Growing Up

The girls are growing up like little weeds.  Lola is now 5 years old and Lucy is 3.  We are down to one diaper a day.  Just on Lucy for bed time, and that's because she is such a heavy sleeper.  Lola danced competitively this year and she did wonderful.  She LOVES dancing on the stage.  Both girls are into gymnastics, so much so that we have pvr'd the trials for the Olympics and they watch it over and over again.   Lola is also playing her first year of t-ball this year.  At first she loved it.  But as our summer has gotten hotter and hotter, her interest is waning.  Doesn't help that her uniform is 3 sizes too big for her.  She's still just a wee little peanut.  Lucy wants to play t-ball and has on occasion gone into the field during Lola's practice to fetch balls for the team.  She is actually better as t-ball than Lola!  Lol!  AND the gymnastics coach thinks that Lucy is much better at gymnastics.  Uh!  Oh! We've actually just signed Lucy up for gymnastics throughout the summer to keep her momentum going.  And this is going to be her first time without Mommy walking beside her while she does it. And knowing that she is not the most socially comfortable kid, this could prove challenging and we think summer would be the better time to get her adjusted.

I think all of this is where my want for a small little baby is coming from.  There are no cuddle monsters in my house.  We have to beg for hugs and kisses.  Lol!

The girls are the best of friends and the worst of enemies.  Exactly what I always wanted.  Siblings that are each other's everything.  They both have asked for a baby brother.  Actually Lola told me that someone is missing from our house...  THAT statement made me pause.  As yes sweetheart there is. Baby B should be here.  And is forever in my heart and thoughts.  She still doesn't really know about everything, she's still too little to understand.  She knows our story but understanding and knowing are two very different things.  I read them the Donor books all the time.  They always ask for the baby bunny book "like mommy and daddy baby book!"  As they so sweetly ask.  Gosh these kids surprise me at every turn.  Their comprehension, their compassion and their ability to make sense of information and adapt it.  For example yesterday a stray cat wandered onto our property, trapped a mouse and was doing what cats do...torture and kill.  When I explained to the girls what had happened and that it was a cats nature, Lola stopped looked at me and said "So Mommy now the mouse is up in heaven with Maddie?"  I said "yes" she said "oh okay good, Maddie likes mice!"  My LOVE!  I just love watching them flourish and grow.  

Anyway..enough chatter.  Here are some current pictures.

Much Love!
ks

Lucy at ballet!                                        



A day at Canada's Wonderland



ks & JD enjoying a Jay's game!  Go Jay's GO!!!!

July 12, 2016

Still Here, Still Unsure

I am still here.  I am still reading blogs.  I just seem to have very little time to actually write, edit and post anything of importance.  And really what do I have to say that is important...Lol!

I am currently in my last semester of school.  I have one more (possibly 2, I need to look into this) work term and then I should be done.  I say I need to look into this as they have changed my course and it is now coming up with 3 work terms required.  Which if that is the case...I might just skip the diploma, I've worked so hard for.  I say this because as I am a co-op student I incur less pay.  I don't know.  We'll see what the next few months bring.

I'm in 7 classes this semester.  And it is INSANE!  I definitely took on more than I should have.  I'm struggling to keep up.  Thankfully there is not an insane amount of programming or else I would never sleep.  I seem to have a ridiculous amount of gen ed assignments, so a ton of essays, research assignments, and excel presentations.  Blech!!!!   I do have one class that has me programming until 3-3:30 in the morning.  But I enjoy it and I need to keep practicing so that is great.

I had originally signed up to run my first full marathon in October.  And because my work load, JD working every weekend and the girl's schedules being insane, I'm struggling getting in my long runs. Time and the fact that I'm still working my way back after a bad blow up of hip bursitis.  I'm now thinking of dropping down to the half.  It's just too difficult as JD is trying to train at the same time, and it is always chose and pick who gets to go.  He never gets up early to get in his run.  He really doesn't consider anyone else's schedule, so I'm making allowances and sacrificing (as I did during ironman training) again.  He really irritates me somedays.  After 18 years together that is bound to happen.   I'm also trying to work in a little bikram yoga.  That too is proving very challenging.  We had a decent schedule going, well one we adjusted to (after 4 years) and I was able to go to Wednesday and Thursday 6 am (90 minute) yoga classes.  BUT now JD's schedule has changed and those are now out, and the evening classes are just a little too late for me to get too, since my spouse isn't home until 7 the only class options I have are 8 pm 90 minute classes that are 25 minutes away. CRAPTASTIC.

Time just never seems to be on my side.

Onto what I'm unsure of...

We are still on the fence about trying again.  Since the change to coverage for one IVF in Ontario we have really considered trying for one more (hopefully a little boy).  Here is where we go back and forth.  We'd love to try again.  We understand it will still cost us approx $10k (donor fees and meds) and it is hard on my body and my psyche.  But the desire is still very strong for me.  Not as strong for JD, but I ache for one more baby.  I really want to feel one kick again inside me, I want to hold one at my breast again and rock a baby all night...just one more time.  However, I'm 38 now and only just starting a new career.  We have zero savings left after our first 7 year battle and the economy the last few years, plus my being in school...  And what if it doesn't work?  And what if it does?  What if we are left with like 5 extra embryos?  We've always been no man left behind mentality, but lordy, I really only want one more.  And the rules in Ontario is to transfer only 1 at a time.  so we limit the risk of twins with a successful transfer, but lord what if it works and we have left over embryos? What then?  Do you see where I am?  I'm stuck in this indecisive circle.  I don't know what the right answer is.  I keep saying let's give it a year and see how we feel.  I think the next time I go to my GP, I'll ask for a referral to an RE and at least get the ball moving.  Get us on the list for a funded cycle.  I have already looked at donor agencies.  The wait for a funded cycle can exceed a year, so it doesn't hurt to get on the list...right?

I'm in class now so I guess I better start paying attention.

Much Love!

ks