The Year I Broke - Part 2

I got the call at 6 pm.  Unknown number.  It was my other brother (the one I haven't spoke to in over a year).  My Dad was in ICU on life support and not expected to make it, if he did they didn't know what type of brain damage there would be.  I was home alone with 2 little girls.

Friday morning they took my dad for the endo, he was in severe pain.  He told them to knock him out he couldn't lay down.  They started the endo and he coded.  They got him back and immediately ran to the OR.  His colon ruptured Thursday and had been leaking toxins into his body.  They removed a large portion of the intestine, and patched what they could.  Meanwhile he coded 3 more times on the table.  A half an hour down at one point.

After the call letting me know.  I called my Mother in law and my bestie. My bf came right over and kept the girls away from me, as I was hyperventilating and packing as fast as I could.  JD finally got home and we left for the 4 hour drive to my dad.  I took my dog Lexxie and she comforted me the entire drive.  I called my sister in law and talked with her for an hour of the drive.

It was Saturday when I finally got to see me Dad.

I wish this on no one.

We made it through the critical 24 hours.
Sunday they started bringing him out the coma.
He shook our hands.
Monday the ventilator came out and he was breathing on his own!
He talked to us.  Slowly.
Tuesday they moved him to a surgical ward.
By Friday we were home and having a nurse come to help with the ostomy bag.

My Dad made a miraculous recovery.

He has now had reversal surgery.  It was not cancer.  It was ulcerative diverticulitis which ruptured, either on it's own or on the first endo they did on Monday.  They did find 5 masses in total.  2 in his lungs and the rest in the colon, which they believe is Valley Fever, which is very common with men his age who worked in the oil industry for over 30 years.  Heavy antibiotics does clear it up.   He was hospitalized once for for C-Dificil and my mom as well had 2 surgeries during all this and one emergency run.

During the ICU stay my brother (the alcoholic) was in his usual fine form.  Drunk, screaming at all of us, threatening the police, calling for updates when he was drunk then calling and screaming hours later that we weren't updating him...because he doesn't remember the drunk conversations.  My brother only lasted 4 hours being unblocked on my phone.

I quit my job right after the ICU weekend.  I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't be in a toxic environment at work, at home, and have the stress of dealing with 2 ill parents.  It was all too much.  I was down to 109 lbs.  I was only functioning for my parents and my children.

It was August.  Things were starting to look better.  And then...  My last dog died.  My Lex.  My baby.  My sweet sweet baby girl.  Born in our kitchen, on our lap, layed on my chest the entire night my Dad fought for his life.  Licked my tears off my face after every surgery and failure through IVF.  It was 11:30 pm on Sunday August 7th.  I broke....

6 months to the day that her Daddy died.  It was so fast.  We had about 1 week warning that something was VERY wrong.  My poor girl.  She was such an amazing girl.  My sweet lovely sideways smiling, bum wagging Lex.  God I miss her so much.

I tried to pull it together.  I tried so hard.  But I am broken...

I'm a stay at home mom now, still.  We rescued another maltese, a male, Beckham.  My mom and dad are happy and healthy, back to living in the South for the winter.  JD and I aren't fighting as much, which is almost worse...  I'm hoping this is just one of the tough phases that happens in marriages and we will find our way back.  I mean after 18 years and all the hell we've been through together, how can this be it?!?!?

I'm trying to smile, even when I don't feel like it.  I'm trying to be there for my bf as she too has had major loss this year.   I'm trying to change the narrative in my head.  I'm trying to adjust how I speak to JD.

I hold no delusions of what 2018 will bring us.  Life has taught me to expect the unexpected.

Maybe it'll be a better year.  But one thing I do know.  I will not be the same woman I was in 2017.