PPD - Yes or No?

No Running Diaries this week as I kind of sucked last week and only got in 2 runs.  But there just might be a reason for my lack of motivation...  Post Partum Depression.  Is this is it or is it just life stress catching up to me?  I seem to be a having anxiety.  It came on pretty soon after delivery and has increased in frequency of episodes since.  Now let me explain why I don't 100% believe this is PPD...

Okay I had written a large piece explaining everything but I have decided I don't want to share the specifics.  Let's just say things are rather precarious with our business' right now.  Lots of employee issues.  Lots of decisions to be made.  Some by choice some being forced.  And they are all scary.  One option leaves us in a better place stress wise but it may not be fees able to support our family and have staff.  So you can understand my anxiety.  I'm even having an anxiety attack just thinking about it....

But I have been proactive about this.  I spoke with my ob/gyn on Friday about it.  He has prescribed me something for the anxiety.  It's safe to take while breast feeding.  I have started it but I don't feel anymore settled yet and he did tell me it will take 1-2 weeks to kick in.  

I know my hormones are probably exasperating this, but I do tend to think that this is 3 years of stress from work just getting to the boiling point.  And there have been some issues with JD and I about the work problem that are just getting bigger and bigger.  I'm getting madder and madder and my anxiety is building as I don't think he truly understands my point.  He needs to realize that he needs to take care of us and let his family take care of themselves.  The extra $500 - $800 a month that he 'helps' them out every month is making the difference in us paying our bills on time and in full....  It NEEDS to STOP!!!!  He owes them nothing and we are his family we need to be his number 1 priority.  

All of this to explain that it is affecting my ability to parent my girls in the way I wish.  I'm so tense and stressed that I'm short with them.  And with Lucy having reflux and crying most afternoons for hours, I am a ball of knots.  Plus with the anxiety attacks coming out of nowhere at times...it's all just too much sometimes.

Okay I have to run...Lucy is wailing yet again...I'll keep you all posted if the medication actually works, or if I pull my hair out from the screaming infant!  Lol! 

Much Love!

ks

Vacation Time!

So I'm sure you've hear me bitch and moan about JD never getting any time off.  That tends to happen when you run your own business', especially when you have a horrible time finding and keeping staff...  It's not because we are horrible bosses or the job, it's the pay, and we understand that, trust me!  Any way my replacement advised us that she had taken another job and was only going to be available to work 3 days a week.  Which means JD and Frankie our only other employee are down to 3 days off every other week. We were told about this 2 weeks ago.  So I laid down the law.  I told JD he HAD to take 5 days off before she leaves.  And to my amazement he did it!  So last week JD was home with his family from Wednesday to Sunday.  He had to go back to work on holiday Monday which stunk but whatever!  We made the very best of his time off we could.  Everybody co-operated, except his mother...of course!

Wednesday morning our phone rang and it was my brother and sister in law from Ottawa.  They said "we are on our way to you, do you want us to book a hotel or can we stay with you?"  Long and short of it, Wednesday was spent running around and getting ready for company...Y'know the drill...Costco for food, beds stripped and made, vacuum and wash the floors, cut the grass, and prep food for our big day out the next day.  Thank Gosh it takes 4 1/2 hours to get to our house from Ottawa!  Lol!  It was great though!  They got to meet Lucy.  I hadn't seen my niece and nephew since November so that alone was awesome!  But the fact that they are so in love with Lola and keep her super busy is a huge help.  And I swear my brother is the baby whisperer.  Lol!

Thursday we all went to Canada's Wonderland together.  It was fantastic.  There were no line ups at all.  We walked onto the biggest coaster there with no wait!  AND JD and I actually got to ride a couple of things because we had all this help with Lola and Lucy!  Lola went on quite a few rides.  Not as many as I hoped as she's pretty petite and didn't meet their height requirements for some, but next year she should be a little better.  It didn't matter a hoot to her though, she had a fabulous time!  I kid you not Lucy slept the entire time we were there, and Lola was a dream.  The weather was hot but not steamy.  It was perfect!

On Friday my brother's family headed into Toronto to do the Hockey Hall of Fame and then head back to Ottawa.  So we packed up the car and headed to the Elmvale Zoo!  It's a smaller Zoo but you get really close to the animals.  You are allowed to feed most of them, with the exception of the tigers of course!  Lola fed the giraffe and the goats, and she rode a pony.  She had a fantastic time.  And Lucy was once again a good baby for our outing.

By Saturday we knew we had to get Lola back on her napping schedule.  She was bagged.  We stayed local for the next 2 days and just enjoyed Daddy's company.   It was great for me as I barely changed any poop diapers unless we were out in public.  I still handled the majority of the feedings (until JD starts lactating) but it was wonderful to have another set of hands.  By the end of it I was almost feeling human again.  Hence the ability to get out on 2 runs.

But alas he is now back to work.  And to say I am struggling is hard for me...but I am...I don't know if it's PPD or if it's just me becoming an angry B*TCH!  I'm not always angry there is a lot of tears as well...But mostly that comes from me feeling like a terrible mother because I'm always so spent over the whining and crying!  Plus it doesn't help that LolaBean keeps getting up at 5 am when I've only just got Lucy back down after her 4 am feeding.  OyVay!  Any way I've got a post coming on PPD and asking for help.  Stay tuned!

Much Love!

ks

Hurdles

So here it is...we are 6 days away from the big thaw...I'm freaking out...

We finally cleared up all the family drama yesterday.  I do expect a little more to come in the following days. But I've already made back up arrangements for Lola, so I'm not going to stress about it.  And it's JD's family so I'm staying out of it.  He knows all to well how I feel, I don't need to remind him.  

Tomorrow I have my u/s and b/w to see if everything is thickening up as it should be.  If that is okay, I will start PIO's Thursday morning.  Eeeek!!!  I started my antibiotic on Monday as I wanted to be finished it on the day of the transfer.  I'm so ridiculously nervous about all of this...

There are still so many more hurdles to get over yet.  

• lining and estrogen at the right levels.
• Lola's sitters in place. (that's the drama)
• Frostie surviving the Thaw
• Transfer
• Pregnancy Test...duh duh DUHHHHH!!!

God I just want to make it to transfer right now.  I can't even focus on the possibility of a pregnancy test at this moment.  I just keep reminding myself one breath at a time.  Pace it out like I would a run.  One mile at a time, one hurdle at a time.  Deep breaths...In...Out...

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Even though I am Canadian I observed yesterday's Pregnancy / Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I lit two candles at dinner and had them burning all night.  I placed suk suk's in front of each in memory of all of our babies.  I cried about our loss'.  I mourned Baby B.  

I snuggled my baby girl last night before bed.  I breathed in her sweet smell.  I whispered in her ear how much we love her.  I cherished my blessings last night.  

Much Love!

ks

Musings of an Infertile...

From the second my alarm clock went off this morning at 4:50 a.m. I've been reflecting on what IF has given me and taken away from us.  I don't know if it's because I am being overdosed on estrogen, or from the complications between JD and I, or that today is Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Day but today I have been stepping back and really thinking about all that has gone on and where my emotions play into this.

Bear with me here...this may be a little all over the place...

Am I hyper sensitive when it comes to my daughter?

Maybe I am...  But to be honest with you I don't think so.  I'm not a rigid schedule keeper.  I'm not one who runs to her every time she falls.  My child is spoiled with love but not coddled to death.  But she is MY daughter.  And I do know what is best for her.  Regardless of what my MIL may say or think I know my LolaBean and I know what needs to be done when we are gone to keep her functioning at her usually sunny content attitude.  Listen people it's not a miracle that my baby is such a happy baby...It's because we make sure she is a happy baby...By sticking to her routine...giving her foods she likes to eat...keeping her in her environment...making sure she naps...generally letting Lola be Lola and carefree in her own known safe environment.

Do I Expect Special Treatment Because we are Cycling?

No...Not really... I don't think I'm in the wrong to expect those closest to us to understand that what we are going through is extremely stressful and that I am currently on a butt load of meds.  I would expect family to not put unnecessary stress and strain on us at this time.  But I do not expect work to stop being well work and Lola from being Lola etc...

Do I Always Expect Pregnancy Announcements to Go Bad...?

Yes...And this one makes me very sad.  But yes, because of infertility and all that I have witnessed I do tend to suck in my breath when someone makes a pregnancy announcement.  And I watch from afar waiting for that BOOM to drop.  It's terrible...  I don't wish any ill will on anyone.  But it has driven me insane watching 3 people announce their pregnancies at barely 6 weeks pregnant!

Am I Jealous of Fertiles?

Yes..yes..yes...  Sad but true.  The 3 announcements on FB I spoke about are all close to delivering now.  And dang it it just kills me that they all had it so easy.  Not that I want them to have it hard like the rest of us IF'ers but I just wish that it could be easier.  I wish that I didn't know that today was infant and pregnancy loss day.  I wish that we could all have happy accidents happen.  But we can't and that still makes me cry on my way into work in the mornings.  (one of the announcements actually joked at 6 weeks pregnant that his girlfriend had to be having twins as she was already so bloated...and yup...twins...boy/girl!  No fertility treatments, a total accident!)

Am I a Colder Person Because of Infertility?

Maybe a little when it comes to some things.  I don't know if it's actually that I am colder or stronger...?  With all the fighting and no talking over the weekend I didn't cry once.  With the thought that hope could die for us on next Tuesday...I still haven't cried.  I did cry this morning thinking of Baby B and how much I would have loved LolaBean to have had a twin sibling to be with all the time!  But the things that used to make me cry...I find I turn inwards instead and hold a lot back.  Maybe it's more self preservation that anything.  If I allow those flood gates to open again...I don't know if I'll be able to control it again.

Do I Feel Defeated?

Yes I do!  And I hate that I feel this way.  We've been through so much.  And I just feel beat down.  I mean 2 full donor cycles.  18 embryos and 1 successful pregnancy (coupled with the loss of her twin) an now 1 tiny little piece of hope hanging on.  I mean really...Look at our stats.  Do you really think this FET has any chance?  And in the last two years our financial situation has changed so drastically that this just might be the last go at the bucket, so to speak.  I feel negative, I feel angry, I feel stressed, I feel defeated.   

Infertility has won.  It has taken my dreams away from me...It has taken my financial security away from me. It has robbed me of my joy for others.  It has brought out traits in myself that I do not like.  I always thought of JD and I as survivors.  Even before IF.  Our mantra has always been "We'll be okay, we always bounce!"  I don't know that I can bounce anymore.  I don't know if I can go back to who I was.  I do know that I will keep on being the best mother I can be for LolaBean.  But the rest of my heart, feels like it might always be a little heavier...

Much Love!

ks

I will be lighting candles tonight for all of our lost babies.  I will hug and kiss my little girl with everything that I have.  I will also kiss my husband.  And I will make sure they all know how very much they both mean to me.  I'm sorry for the heavy post(s) this week, but here it is...I'm laying myself and all my IF emotions out there.

Irritating!

It's been over 2 weeks now and blogger is still acting up.  Apparently I am never signed in.  I can only access a couple of blogs, and I can absolutely not comment on any one's blogs.  Jeepers Creepers tick me off much!

Anyway, the word of the day today on this blog is irritated!  (I am going to whine about some pregnancy things so please don't keep reading if you are not in a place where you can read this!)

Firstly, I am so frustrated with my gigantic gorilla feet.  My cankles are so swollen they fold over on each other.  From morning to night!  They never go down.  It is driving me nuts.  I absolutely can not wait to have my feet back.  I can't even fit into my flip flops anymore, my feet hang over the sides!  By 7 at night I can barely walk.

Secondly, baby girl really needs to move off of this nerve in my rib cage.  It is brutal.  I honestly haven't found one comfortable position to sit in or lay in.  The worst is in the evening hours.  I guess after a long day the nerve is shot and just aches and aches!

Thirdly, this heartburn!  OMG!  Honestly this should be illegal!

Now onto the thankful...

Firstly, I am so happy that I have made it to 36 weeks!  I never imagined that I would make it here.  Only 31 more days to go until my due date.  Now I will admit that I do hope that Little Miss comes a bit earlier.  Just to ease my uncomfortable body!

Secondly,  another good growth u/s, well sort of...  She was totally uncooperative and would not allow the tech to measure her skull.  She has her head buried under my pubic bone.  But without the head measurement they have her weight estimated at about 5lb 3 oz.  So I'm sure she is bigger than that.  And that makes me happy that she is getting bigger.  I also got a quick good glance at her little face and it looks like she is going to have big pouty lips.  Sweet baby girl!

Thirdly, we have gotten all the baby necessities that I believe we need.  I feel accomplished and ready now!  My SIL is going to bring me her breast pump today and show me how to use it.  Yahhh for being ready!

And last but not least.  I am so thankful to have JD by my side through all of this.  When I think back about everything we've gone through to get here, I don't know a lot of couples who would have made it through this unscathed.  He makes me laugh everyday.  He still thinks I'm cute even though I'm the size of a small whale!  And best of all he tries to rub the fluid out of my feet ever night.  God I love him!  And I hope my other IF partners have have someone as wonderful as I do beside them.

I will do a bump picture on Sunday.  Which is my official 36 week day.  Stay tuned (if you can read this)!

Much Love!

ks



Got Milk?

Apparently I do!  I thought it was just one of those freak things, or maybe my imagination, but a couple of weeks ago I thought one of my (.)(.) leaked.  Then it happened again Tuesday morning, and I thought maybe I didn't dry myself off enough, until I got home and took off my bra and found it caked to my tata!  Again I kind of shrugged it off, but nope!  Yesterday morning I pulled a new clean, cake less, bra out of the dryer and sported that for most of the day.  Sure enough at around 7pm I'm changing into my pj's and again clean bra is stuck to my tata. 

I know it can happen, but I'm a little worried that my body is getting ready a little bit too early.  So my nerves are high and I am a bit cranky from worry.  On top of that I feel horrible about myself right now.  I had worked so hard to lose the weight my stupid thyroid disease and fertility drugs piled on me, and now with being on limited duties all the weight has flooded back on.  I know a lot of it is baby weight, but my body also likes to pile it on to my hips, @ss and thighs.  So I feel super unattractive right now.

Well JD loves the gym.   And that's fine with me really.  (Okay not really because I can't go)  But he works until 7 most nights and then goes to the gym until 9 or 10 at night.  Well anyway I'm not going to get into it, but let's just say I'm not a very happy person right now.  And we fought until 1130 last night.  And today I'm still....  It's not even that I'm mad at him really.  I'm just feel so unattractive, and unwanted, and I'm terrified that I will never get my body back to where I once was.   My mom is seriously over weight with no thyroid issues, so I know how easy it can happen without anything hindering you.  What's going to happen to me???

Okay enough!  Back to work!  I'm sure I'll snap out of this soon.  I may be a bit hormonal lately.  Gee you think, since I'm leaking milk!?!?

13 Years Ago...

This week I started dating this 'guy'.  He wasn't my type at all.  But he was persistent, so I thought why not I'll give him a shot.  Little did I know when I let this 'guy' in he would never leave!  LOL!  Literally!  The first night we partied it up like rock stars and he spent the night (no not like that)!  And then he never left.  He ended up spending a week at my place, until his cousin got mad at him.  Still I thought well this is fine for now but once summer break comes, he'll go home, and we'll go our separate ways.  (I hate long distance relationships)  Nope!  That didn't happen.  This 'guy' was insistent we would make it work through the summer.  And he did make it work.  He came up to see me 2x a week.

He raced up that summer when my grand father passed away.  He took me home to meet his parents!  OMG!  He took ME home to meet his parents!  (I was not one of those girlfriends that was ever taken home to the parents. With piercings, tattoos, and I drank too much, smoked too much)  And OMG this 'guy' took me home to his parents - his religious parents! 

Okay maybe I do like this guy.  But let's not get all committed and shit yet, okay?!?!  School time is rolling near again.  I ask said special (not committed) 'guy' where he planned to live, and he looked at me with all seriousness and said "with you of course!"  So in the 'guy' officially moved!

2 months into our cohabiting.  My Ex (my first love who shattered me) comes rolling into town wanting to see me.  I don't even know how he found me to be honest.  I hadn't seen him in 2 years and I'd moved 3x.  I let Mr. Ex come over for a night of bar hopping and tom foolery.  'Guy' was not happy...  'Guy' had reason not to be happy.  This Ex still had a large piece of my heart, and probably will forever (as my first love).  But when Mr. Ex made his plea for me to run away with him, and join him on his pro athlete life, and that he missed me more than he ever knew and would love me forever, I looked in his eyes, and said "No Thank you!  I've found my prince!"

With no hesitation, no second thought, my choice was made.  I chose my best friend, my prince, the man I had dreamed of since I was a little girl.  This 'guy' loved me for who I was, all the good, the bad, and the ugly.  He saw a future with me.  And he would never intentionally hurt me in anyway.

What a good decision I made that week 13 years ago.  It was probably one of the only good decisions I made throughout my college experience.  But it is one I will treasure for all my life.  Our journey together has not been a pretty one, with all sunshine and rainbows.  But we have stood strong together and faced our fate holding hands.  I fall in love with JD more and more each year we are together.  We are always changing and growing, and with every new obstacle we face, new role, or new grey hair, I will hold his hand, tell him I love him, and never leave him. 

Thank you JD for being so persistent.  Thank you for waiting for me to grow up.  Thank you for chosing me as your partner.  I love you Boo!

ks

Donor Starting Stims

I have written 4 separate posts to update on the DE IVF #2, but haven't completed any of them.  So here's what's the what!

Donor (D2) had evaluation on Sept 22 - failed hormone levels were elevated.

D2 continued on Lupron for 2 more days and was rechecked on Sept 24.

Cleared - good to go! 

Message from DE Co said that donor will be starting her stimulation soon.  (?)  They will be checking her again on Friday Oct 1. 

I seem to be getting cryptic information from my DE Co.  Which doesn't really help me.  We have 2 stores to operate and employ.  Our employees also have lives and appointments and such.  I have 1 employee that has a dental surgery booked for Oct 18.  I told him not to cancel it as we should be back by then, but now I'm wondering... 

In other news.  We have our third set of visitors from England here now.  This is the 3rd month straight we have had company.  Life is very busy for JD and I.  We are working 7 days a week, gym 4-5 nights a week, and any free moment spending time with our company.  And JD unfortunately is having a very bad ear issue right now.  He had them flushed yesterday, they need to do it again as it didn't get all of the blockage out, but we woke up this morning to blood on his pillow.  So we are a little worried that something is really wrong.  He said when they flushed them yesterday he had never had it feel like that before.  He was in pain most of the night.  He's going to call the Dr. again today and let them know about the blood.  Hopefully it is nothing.

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One of my support board members has suffered a terrible loss this weekend.  She went into early labour (18wks) and lost her baby boy.  Unfortunately during the delivery of the placenta something went very wrong and she started to lose a lot of blood.  They rushed her to surgery (5hrs) and were forced to do a full hysterectomy.  She ended up in ICU on a vent.  She is now off the vent and back into regular care.  But the loss she has suffered has been felt by our entire board. 

There are 2 other DE Moms who are also struggling right now with very sick babies.  They have all ended up in PICU.  JD and I have lit a lot of candles over the weekend and said a lot of prayers.  My heart is very heavy this week.  It is a very cruel and unusual universe.

Please take the time to hug your little ones.  Tell those you love "You love them", and hug them tight.  You just never know what awaits you at the next corner.

Much Love.

ks

Weekend in Ottawa

Too bad the weather wasn't co-operating with us this weekend.  No boating, no swimming, but we did do a little hot tubbing!  We were visiting my brother and his family this weekend.  It was wonderful!  I got to watch my 8 year old nephew in a soccer tournament.  He is just a spitting image (personality and athletic ability) of my brother!  He is awesome!  He's a fast little dickens and he's aggressive, he goes for it!  Of course it was a cold drizzle the whole time we were at soccer.  Great!

I can't believe how much my niece has grown up.  She's now 6 and she is still just the cutest peanut.  She wanted me to put makeup on her, brush her hair, do all the girlie things a 6 year old girl loves.  It's great, because I tell you Taylor hasn't been like this before.  She used to scream and yell at you if you called her cute.  She refused to wear most of her clothes.  Oh my she really loved to test her power when she was 3-5 years old!

I haven't been to my brother's house since Christmas, and we hadn't been there in the summer in the last 2 summers.  So it was great.  My brother built his own house, and he keeps doing these small fine finishing details and the house looks great.  My brother and my Dad are super handy men.  My brother is actually in the final stages of apprenticing to be an electrician.   (This is the same brother who played European Pro Hockey).  My Dad also built his own house.  The only thing that either of them didn't do was the foundation.  Everything is with their blood, sweat, and tears.  We were fortunate enough to help my parents a bit on their house.  And JD went and stayed with T (brother) for a week to help him with the house.  But because of our business' and where we live we couldn't help as much as we wanted to.

I really think JD was born into the wrong family.  He loves all the construction stuff that we do, but he wasn't raised doing these types of projects.  He's learning everything he can from my family.  And he loves it.  He's always happiest when we have a project on the go.  And I'll be honest with you.  I love a project.  I get up early and am just so excited to dig in and get it done.  And there is tremendous pride that comes with looking at a new room, new fence, hardwood floors and knowing that you did it.

Well this is my weekend.  I'm now suffering from a head cold or sinus infection, surprise, surprise!  So I'm off to drink some vitamin water and load up on sinu.tab.   

Much Love!

ks

Scared...

Today I am scared. And it has nothing to do with ttc. I am scared because today at 3:30 JD has a follow up consult regarding a biopsy he had 3 weeks ago on his tongue. The ortho said it doesn't necessarily have the characteristics of cancer, so we shouldn't worry. But don't you think he says that to everyone?

I don't know what to think... I don't want to think the worst, but I'm really scared! I guess it's pointless to worry until we know what we are dealing with. I'll update when I can. And JD if you are reading this, I love you, and everything will work out. We always find a way to bounce babe!