October 15, 2012

Musings of an Infertile...

From the second my alarm clock went off this morning at 4:50 a.m. I've been reflecting on what IF has given me and taken away from us.  I don't know if it's because I am being overdosed on estrogen, or from the complications between JD and I, or that today is Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Day but today I have been stepping back and really thinking about all that has gone on and where my emotions play into this.

Bear with me here...this may be a little all over the place...

Am I hyper sensitive when it comes to my daughter?
Maybe I am...  But to be honest with you I don't think so.  I'm not a rigid schedule keeper.  I'm not one who runs to her every time she falls.  My child is spoiled with love but not coddled to death.  But she is MY daughter.  And I do know what is best for her.  Regardless of what my MIL may say or think I know my LolaBean and I know what needs to be done when we are gone to keep her functioning at her usually sunny content attitude.  Listen people it's not a miracle that my baby is such a happy baby...It's because we make sure she is a happy baby...By sticking to her routine...giving her foods she likes to eat...keeping her in her environment...making sure she naps...generally letting Lola be Lola and carefree in her own known safe environment.

Do I Expect Special Treatment Because we are Cycling?
No...Not really... I don't think I'm in the wrong to expect those closest to us to understand that what we are going through is extremely stressful and that I am currently on a butt load of meds.  I would expect family to not put unnecessary stress and strain on us at this time.  But I do not expect work to stop being well work and Lola from being Lola etc...

Do I Always Expect Pregnancy Announcements to Go Bad...?
Yes...And this one makes me very sad.  But yes, because of infertility and all that I have witnessed I do tend to suck in my breath when someone makes a pregnancy announcement.  And I watch from afar waiting for that BOOM to drop.  It's terrible...  I don't wish any ill will on anyone.  But it has driven me insane watching 3 people announce their pregnancies at barely 6 weeks pregnant!

Am I Jealous of Fertiles?
Yes..yes..yes...  Sad but true.  The 3 announcements on FB I spoke about are all close to delivering now.  And dang it it just kills me that they all had it so easy.  Not that I want them to have it hard like the rest of us IF'ers but I just wish that it could be easier.  I wish that I didn't know that today was infant and pregnancy loss day.  I wish that we could all have happy accidents happen.  But we can't and that still makes me cry on my way into work in the mornings.  (one of the announcements actually joked at 6 weeks pregnant that his girlfriend had to be having twins as she was already so bloated...and yup...twins...boy/girl!  No fertility treatments, a total accident!)

Am I a Colder Person Because of Infertility?
Maybe a little when it comes to some things.  I don't know if it's actually that I am colder or stronger...?  With all the fighting and no talking over the weekend I didn't cry once.  With the thought that hope could die for us on next Tuesday...I still haven't cried.  I did cry this morning thinking of Baby B and how much I would have loved LolaBean to have had a twin sibling to be with all the time!  But the things that used to make me cry...I find I turn inwards instead and hold a lot back.  Maybe it's more self preservation that anything.  If I allow those flood gates to open again...I don't know if I'll be able to control it again.

Do I Feel Defeated?
Yes I do!  And I hate that I feel this way.  We've been through so much.  And I just feel beat down.  I mean 2 full donor cycles.  18 embryos and 1 successful pregnancy (coupled with the loss of her twin) an now 1 tiny little piece of hope hanging on.  I mean really...Look at our stats.  Do you really think this FET has any chance?  And in the last two years our financial situation has changed so drastically that this just might be the last go at the bucket, so to speak.  I feel negative, I feel angry, I feel stressed, I feel defeated.   

Infertility has won.  It has taken my dreams away from me...It has taken my financial security away from me. It has robbed me of my joy for others.  It has brought out traits in myself that I do not like.  I always thought of JD and I as survivors.  Even before IF.  Our mantra has always been "We'll be okay, we always bounce!"  I don't know that I can bounce anymore.  I don't know if I can go back to who I was.  I do know that I will keep on being the best mother I can be for LolaBean.  But the rest of my heart, feels like it might always be a little heavier...

Much Love!


I will be lighting candles tonight for all of our lost babies.  I will hug and kiss my little girl with everything that I have.  I will also kiss my husband.  And I will make sure they all know how very much they both mean to me.  I'm sorry for the heavy post(s) this week, but here it is...I'm laying myself and all my IF emotions out there.


Michelle D said...

I have no shining words for you...just want to say you are right it never really goes away. An infertile with a child is still an infertile. And I'm sure you are not overprotective or hyper-protective. She is the result of so much hard work and deserves the best and I'm sure that she gets it. You are the mom (and JD the dad) and you guys know what is good for her. Bless you both in whatever happens and I am holding out hope for another miracle for you.

J o s e y said...

Once an IFer, always an IFer. I agree. Some of the pain goes away, but there will always be a part of you that can't un-know the pain and fears that so many in the ALI world go through. Keep on doing what's best for you daughter, and that's all that matters!