None are good today. I'm irritated, depressed, just plain b!tchy... We had a great weekend away in Ottawa visiting my brother, but I don't think I slept enough and today I am feeling the strain. I think I finally caught JD's cold, so that is adding to my mood.
I'm also struggling with B. Knowing that B's sac is still there is killing me inside. I just feel like it's my fault some how, like B was strong enough (if the sac is still there), just that I fucked it up... :(
And I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'll be okay for about a week and then all of a sudden I start getting these anxiety attacks. I can picture it in my head *I am just going along thinking la la la thoughts all the while with a dead baby inside me.*
I haven't really given these thoughts a voice until today. And I feel horrible like I'm jinxing everything by even uttering it. But I'm really struggling with trying to enjoy this and allowing this to be a normal great experience.
For Example...
This weekend we told my niece (6) and nephew (8) that we are expecting a baby. They were both so excited. My niece kept telling everyone she encountered that her Auntie K has a baby in her belly and she hopes it's a girl. LOL!
Well then Saturday night in bed I broke out in a sweat. Thinking what the hell am I going to do if I have to explain to her that something horrible has happened. And then my night consisted of tossing and turning with the cold sweats all night.
There is just too many of us that have struggled to finally get a positive, then get comfortable and then have it all ripped away from us. At 15 weeks, 20 weeks, 32, gosh even 40 weeks. That I feel like I can't relax for one minute. But I'm hoping by purging myself of these thoughts that maybe it will ease a bit. By putting my fears out there into the universe, maybe I will find some sense of calm.
I'm sorry this isn't a happy yahhh I'm 16 weeks post. Maybe that will come later this week, but I just wanted to share my thoughts. Just in case any of you that have found success are having the same difficult time, I want you to know you are not alone.
Much Love
ks
I'm also struggling with B. Knowing that B's sac is still there is killing me inside. I just feel like it's my fault some how, like B was strong enough (if the sac is still there), just that I fucked it up... :(
And I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'll be okay for about a week and then all of a sudden I start getting these anxiety attacks. I can picture it in my head *I am just going along thinking la la la thoughts all the while with a dead baby inside me.*
I haven't really given these thoughts a voice until today. And I feel horrible like I'm jinxing everything by even uttering it. But I'm really struggling with trying to enjoy this and allowing this to be a normal great experience.
For Example...
This weekend we told my niece (6) and nephew (8) that we are expecting a baby. They were both so excited. My niece kept telling everyone she encountered that her Auntie K has a baby in her belly and she hopes it's a girl. LOL!
Well then Saturday night in bed I broke out in a sweat. Thinking what the hell am I going to do if I have to explain to her that something horrible has happened. And then my night consisted of tossing and turning with the cold sweats all night.
There is just too many of us that have struggled to finally get a positive, then get comfortable and then have it all ripped away from us. At 15 weeks, 20 weeks, 32, gosh even 40 weeks. That I feel like I can't relax for one minute. But I'm hoping by purging myself of these thoughts that maybe it will ease a bit. By putting my fears out there into the universe, maybe I will find some sense of calm.
I'm sorry this isn't a happy yahhh I'm 16 weeks post. Maybe that will come later this week, but I just wanted to share my thoughts. Just in case any of you that have found success are having the same difficult time, I want you to know you are not alone.
Much Love
ks