October 26, 2010

Underwhelmed....

You can slam me with comments about me being ungrateful later okay?!?!  But for right now I need a place to vent out my true feelings.  This is why I have a blog right?

I'm feeling very underwhelmed by my low(ish) 11 dp 5 dt beta.  I know according to beta.base it's right at the median level for a singleton.  But the doubling time isn't fantastic.  Median doubling for a beta in our range is 37 hours and we are 51 hours.   I was also hoping for rock star betas that might allow me to keep the hope of having more than 1 bun in there.  I know you can't tell anything (really) by betas.  But I've been around for quite awhile now and they are few and far between of stories with the low betas that end up being twins. 
It may sound selfish of me to have hoped for twins.  But you haven't walked in my shoes.  You don't know what JD's and my dreams were for our family.  I'm not saying we won't be happy with 1.  We most definitely will.  But for some reason right now even with a doubling beta, I'm not feeling super optimistic.  Maybe it's the ingrained infertile in me that won't allow me to enjoy one moment.  But I just have this heavy feeling of doom.

Please don't bash me in my comments by calling me ungrateful.  I'm too unstable at this moment to deal with that.  I may delete this post for fear of being thought of as ungrateful.  I'm not...I'm really not...I'm scared...  I wanted to be one of those sweet sailing beta's and easy peasy pregnancies.

Beta #3 tomorrow.  God please grant me strength!

Much Love

ks

6 comments:

dm said...

You have to remember that no amount of worrying is going to change the outcome. You are pregnant right now. Try to enjoy it.

I am 2 days behind you and had my first beta yesterday and will find out the numbers today hopefully and after 2 miscarriages, worrying, etc, you just have to calm down and tell yourself 'What will be, will be' and I hope you have both babies in there right now and as they say, you can't tell anthing from a beta, except that its doubling. Try to visualize both eggs burrowing and growing.

Best of luck to you. Dee

HopeBPatient said...

It's hard to be an overachiever sometimes ;-) I also recall wishing for greater than normal doubling betas - I so wanted to be above the curve!

I think you have every right to feel whatever you feel about it *maybe* not being twins. Yes, we're not supposed to wish for twins. But how can you not when it's taken so much effort and time and expense and effort and, well....... You feel like you deserve more than 1.

Anyhow, I'm crossing all my fingers and toes for you for tomorrow's beta check!! Hang in there!!

Jess said...

I remember feeling the exact same way as you did. You can actually read my post here: http://agreateryes.blogspot.com/2010/01/results-are-in.html

Praying that your numbers continue to rise and your baby(s) grow!!!

Michelle D said...

You have every right to feel how you feel no matter how it is. Anyone who has done an IVF cycle has prob wished for twins or stellar numbers. I cycled at the same clinic as one of my best friends (mine was DE IVF and her's IVF). Our betas were both drawn 11 dp 5 dt and mine was high and hers were lower (200-300 range) but we both ended up with twins. Both of her two successful IVFs were "single range" betas that ended up being twins. It may not happen for you but you just never know. I hope that you get another good number and that your little bean(s) continue to grow :)

LisainSK said...

All your emotions are completely normal. Never be ashamed of your emotions...the last thing you need is a self-induced guilt trip. But I know...easier said than done or felt. Just huge hugs that time will pass quickly until your ultrasound. Thinking of you. No flames here my friend.

Mad Hatter said...

Three things:
1) Breathe.
2) You're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling right now. TOTALLY ALLOWED. No need to apologize or fear judgement from any of us. Most of the time, unfortunately, it seems that women who have suffered from infertility have a very hard time relaxing during their pregnancy, so please don't worry about offending anyone with your fears and worries. YOU HAVE PERMISSION.
3) Sending lots of hugs and good energy your way and hoping for a very reassuring beta tomorrow because it will bring you peace of mind (not because your current beta is not good - there have been many with far lower betas and slower doubling times who've gone on to have healthy bouncing babies!)
Love,
Maddy