2 Peas In This Pod!!!

Yes!  That's right!  There is 2!!! 

I honestly am in shock!  I didn't go to the appointment yesterday feeling very optimistic.  I don't know why, I am just have a really hard time believing this is all real!  And that my body is actually doing something good!  After all the years of failures and let downs, this just seems to good to be true!  But you know what!?!  I don't care I am going to enjoy every moment of this right now.  I'm going to take it day by day for now.  Of course I'm going to worry, that is a given in for any infertile who finally finds success.

But until I'm told otherwise or that there is something to worry about.  I'm going to do my best to try to relax and enjoy the morning sickness, the crazy hormones, and the raging hunger!  LOL!  I'm going to relish in every moment. 

I will post an u/s picture or 2 soon.  I'm currently posting on my work computer and the scans are on my laptop.  So stay tuned to see the second picture of our little SweetPeas! 

Much Love!

ks

2 More Days...

And then we will know one way or another.  Oh my!  I am so scared.  JD is the forever optimist that everything is fine.  Me not so much.  I have no reason to be like this.  I've had no spotting.  I do get cramps, not bad and not all the time, but they are there.  I don't know why I feel like I'm waiting for this to end, but I am.  Arrrggghhhh!  I am so jealous of the fertiles.  They get to not worry about all of this crap.  My sister in law was like "oh you won't need an u/s until like week 16 or so..."  Yah right!  Anyway enough about this.

We had a good weekend this weekend.  My parents came down for a visit.  It was great I hadn't seen my Dad in more than 2 months.  He's been working in Fort Mac (Alberta) doing some contract work for 6 weeks.  It's funny I saw him more before he retired.  He has been doing a lot of contract work since he retired.  He loves it and he loves the money!  But we miss him!  And my parents are snow birds so they are gone for the winter (Nov - May).  The only crappy thing about this weekend is the family drama that started flaring during our transfer is coming to a head right now.

I won't go into full details...  But it is ripping our family apart.  My oldest brother B has now decided he will not be coming to our family Christmas (in 2 wks).  He is not accepting phone calls from anyone in the family.  He's being his usually selfish ass.  And unfortunately my Mom is defending him.  Drives me nuts!  But I can't blame her either he's her son!  And when your kids are sick you still want to help them.  That's why I keep telling her to get to an Al-Anon meeting and learn that her and my Dad's behaviour is just enabling him to continue with his disease.  One he won't admit.  One that JD and I are the only 2 in the family actually think it is to the point of needing rehab.  This is all so hard.

I think I might try and find my own Al-Anon meeting.  Because I feel so guilty for turning my back on him.  But I am doing it for self preservation right now.  I have to worry about this little SweetPea right now, and stress in the first trimester...No...No...  But I want to understand what my role in his recovery can be, and how we can try to get him to wake up and realize he really has a serious problem.  Don't say let him hit rock bottom!  Unfortunately that is where the conflict with my parents comes into play.  They will never let him hit rock bottom. 

Any advice from anyone who has had to deal with a family member who is an alcoholic would be really appreciated.  Please don't be surprised if I delete this entry in the next day or 2. 

Much Love!

ks

TSH

Well it is a good thing I'm overly cautious with my TSH levels.  I went to my GP yesterday to have my thyroid panel run, and sure enough my TSH level has gone from 0.9 to 6.5!  Yikes!  That is the highest I've ever been!  Even when I was diagnosed with Hashimoto my TSH level was just a smidgen out of range.  It has always been my antibodies that were insane (3725 - 5750 and normal level is 250 or under).

It was great getting to tell my Dr why I was in there so early to have my thyroid panel (wasn't due for another 3 months).  He was thrilled!  You should have seen the smile on his face!  He said to me though at 6 weeks it's probably too early for the pregnancy to have affected your TSH by much.  Well guess what we'z was wrong!  The nurse is calling in a new prescription for me now.

I'm guessing this is why I've been having dizzy spells and possibly the headaches.  I don't know it could be pregnancy related or tsh?!?!  Who knows!  But let me tell you I am a little happy to know my TSH was out of whack.  I know it sounds rather silly, but it just reassures me there is something going on in my body, upsetting it's balance!  What is that you ask!  Oh that's right!  It's a bebe!  Or as JD refers to it a SweetPea!

I've written about 3 posts this week and posted none of them!  I have been so sick this week.  I got smacked with the Flu bug this week.  Today is the first day I have felt human.  And now I'm back to worrying.  We have 6 more days until the u/s.  6 more days of angst and worry.  6 more days of fretting about there being a heartbeat.  6 more days of utter frustration.  I really wish I had x-ray vision right now!  LOL!  I will tell you this though.  If JD and I make it past this u/s we are going to be in the market for a Doppler!  I will need constant reassurance that this bebe is sticking around. 

Sorry if I seem to be rambling.  TSH fog brain is horrible.  I really should have realized this was going on before this.  I've been messing up sentences, numbers, pretty much having the 'stupids' for about a week now.  I honestly thought it was just because my universe tilted when I got a +.  I thought maybe my mind was taking a little while to come back down to earth.  Guess Not! 

Much Love!

ks

Braving the Widget..!

So I've crossed over!  I'm trying to be Ms. Optimistic.  I have now added a bebe widget to the sidebar.  I know this is early.  Even if it turns out this pregnancy is short lived I am going to enjoy every moment of it while it is here.  I've put in one bebe, because I firmly believe there is one little bebe in there.  And until 11/11 we won't know 100% what really is happening in there. 

I love that my u/s is booked for 11/11.  My embebe's were created on 10/10/10!  It just feels right that the heartbeat check should happen on 11/11, don't you think?  Anyway enough of this nonsense!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!  (I know day late and a dollar short, but whatever.)

I love Halloween!  I had to work yesterday so I was in full costume all day, handed out candy to my customers, then raced home to have my in-laws up for the night.  My nephews like to trick-or-treat in my neighbourhood.  So we had everybody up.  I made homemade chicken fingers, mac-n-cheese and lots of cut up veggies.  Everyone feasted and then feasted again on sugary treats.  The boys had a blast.  Regardless of it being so cold that it snowed.  They are just getting to that really funny 3 year old stage where they understand Halloween and are right into it.

Next year JD swears he is going to dress up with me.  I'll believe it when I see it.  We've been together for over 12 years now and he's dressed up once for Halloween and it was for a rave.  So way back when we were 20 and fearless!  LOL!  I promise I will post a picture of me and 'the boys' in our costumes soon.  I just have to get JD to e-mail them to me.

I hope everyone had a great Halloween!  Pinch and a punch for the first of the month blogger friends!

Much Love

ks

Relief!

4th Beta is in...

1151

Thank Gosh!  I was just as nervous today as I was for the first one.  And I'm sure I'm not going to really relax until u/s.  Who am I kidding I probably won't relax until I'm driving home with a bebe or 2 in their car seats!  LOL! 

I still can't believe this actually worked!

Now onto the beta analysis.  We are still higher than singleton range (850) but we are lower than twins (1650).  Doubling time was good it was 43 hours.  Progesterone is still pretty high as well.  I was pretty sure that everything was still hanging on as I've had a terrible headache for 2 days now.  And I usually get a migraine when my hormones are high.

No clinic appointments next week.  But I am going to see my GP.  Because I have a thyroid disease I need to have my TSH levels monitored consistently through out any pregnancy.  That could also be why I have a headache.  So I'll try to pop in and see him on Monday.  Ultra sound won't be for another 2 1/2 weeks.  I'm going to try my best not to stress too much.  But we'll see!  LOL!

Much Love

ks

Thank you! And Update!!!

For all your wonderful comments yesterday.  I read through them many times to help me get through the day.  I can't express to you all  how much it means to have you all cheer leading this on.  It makes me feel not so alone!  I try to talk to JD about all my anxieties but he doesn't want to hear it.  He is bound and determined to stay positive and optimistic and y'know that's why I love him so much!

Well I got the call!

532!

So it looks good!  Really good!  We are still in the middle of singleton and twin numbers.  I know you can't read into the numbers too much.  U/S is now booked for 2.5 weeks from now.  Which is good because by then we should see a heartbeat or two!?  Shady45 wants another beta draw on Friday though.  Since they aren't counting the first beta, and they like to see a progression of 3 rising betas.  I'm not as worried as I was yesterday though.  Our doubling time this time was 40 hrs.  And to be honest with you I had promised myself that if it was over 400 I was going to stop being scared. 

And y'know what else.  In the last 24 hours I've become very fine with the idea of 1 special little bean.  Life wouldn't be as busy.  We'd have tons of time for cuddling.  And we do still have 1 in the freezer for a sibling.  At this point I will be elated with healthy!

Thanks again blogger friends for all of your support!  You lift me up!  You keep me sane!

Much Love!

ks

Underwhelmed....

You can slam me with comments about me being ungrateful later okay?!?!  But for right now I need a place to vent out my true feelings.  This is why I have a blog right?

I'm feeling very underwhelmed by my low(ish) 11 dp 5 dt beta.  I know according to beta.base it's right at the median level for a singleton.  But the doubling time isn't fantastic.  Median doubling for a beta in our range is 37 hours and we are 51 hours.   I was also hoping for rock star betas that might allow me to keep the hope of having more than 1 bun in there.  I know you can't tell anything (really) by betas.  But I've been around for quite awhile now and they are few and far between of stories with the low betas that end up being twins. 
It may sound selfish of me to have hoped for twins.  But you haven't walked in my shoes.  You don't know what JD's and my dreams were for our family.  I'm not saying we won't be happy with 1.  We most definitely will.  But for some reason right now even with a doubling beta, I'm not feeling super optimistic.  Maybe it's the ingrained infertile in me that won't allow me to enjoy one moment.  But I just have this heavy feeling of doom.

Please don't bash me in my comments by calling me ungrateful.  I'm too unstable at this moment to deal with that.  I may delete this post for fear of being thought of as ungrateful.  I'm not...I'm really not...I'm scared...  I wanted to be one of those sweet sailing beta's and easy peasy pregnancies.

Beta #3 tomorrow.  God please grant me strength!

Much Love

ks

Okay...

232.

It went up.  And doubling time is 51 hrs.  So it is right in the range.  I was just really hoping for a soaring high second number.  It looks like if this little bean is going to stick it is just 1.  Which is fine!  I just really want it to stick, and be a healthy little nutter.

Oh this is all so scary.  I don't think I will be going to the gym tonight.  I think I will be sitting on my behind until Wednesday's next draw.

Oh God please let this work!  Please let this be it for awhile!

ks

Scared!

I just left the clinic for my 2nd beta blood draw and I am so scared!  I tested again this morning on a FRER and the lines came up at the same time, and a lot darker almost the same as the control line.  But that doesn't seem to ebb away my anxiety.  Oh God please let this be a sticky bean or two. 

It will be a 2 post day today bloggie friends!  I will update when I know the number.  Either to rejoice or ask for prayers!

Much Love!

ks

Early Beta

I had to go to the clinic yesterday for more pio.  While there I couldn't resist, I told my favorite nurse (she's been with me through the last 2 years!).  She was so thrilled.  She said whatever, we are running a beta!  So the number is in...It is...

92

We are thrilled!  According to beta base, we are right in the middle of singleton median and twin median.  Average singleton for 13 dpo is 62, average for twin at 13 dpo is 123.  I know beta's really can't tell you much other than you are pregnant.  We are going to have to wait for the u/s. 

We are scheduled for another beta on Monday.  Please pray for us that the number doubles and keeps going strong.

Now if any of you are wondering about symptoms...  Here's what has been going on this cycle. 

• lots of cramping.
• gurgling (like bubbles in my uterus)
• light headed (vertigo spells)
• really tired
• nausea  (started at about 4 days post transfer)

Now last night my sense of smell kicked up a notch.  My puppies dog feed reeks!!!  OMG!  It's already a very unpleasant smell, but last night I was going out of my mind.  It was horrible and it was all I could smell all night!

Thank you everyone for your well wishes and great comments.  I truly appreciate all your good thoughts and positive thinking. 

Maddie - I skipped the gym last night!  I figured I would rather just let this little bub sit tight for awhile.  I'll get back to the gym when I get my self a heart monitor watch.  I want to make sure I don't get myself to worked up.  I really am so afraid to screw this up.

Much Love to you All!

ks

Oh My Gosh!!!

There really are no words!  Just a nervous happy couple!  I'll post more of an update when I can properly function.  Thank you all for your positive thinking.  I have to ask that you all keep it coming this is still so early.

Much Love!

ks

*Blogger friend asked when I was getting back to the gym?  Tonight!*