January 17, 2011


None are good today.  I'm irritated, depressed, just plain b!tchy...  We had a great weekend away in Ottawa visiting my brother, but I don't think I slept enough and today I am feeling the strain.  I think I finally caught JD's cold, so that is adding to my mood.

I'm also struggling with B.  Knowing that B's sac is still there is killing me inside.  I just feel like it's my fault some how, like B was strong enough (if the sac is still there), just that I fucked it up...  :( 

And I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'll be okay for about a week and then all of a sudden I start getting these anxiety attacks. I can picture it in my head  *I am just going along thinking la la la thoughts all the while with a dead baby inside me.* 

I haven't really given these thoughts a voice until today.  And I feel horrible like I'm jinxing everything by even uttering it.   But I'm really struggling with trying to enjoy this and allowing this to be a normal great experience. 

For Example...

This weekend we told my niece (6)  and nephew (8)  that we are expecting a baby.  They were both so excited.  My niece kept telling everyone she encountered that her Auntie K has a baby in her belly and she hopes it's a girl.  LOL! 

Well then Saturday night in bed I broke out in a sweat.  Thinking what the hell am I going to do if I have to explain to her that something horrible has happened.  And then my night consisted of tossing and turning with the cold sweats all night. 

There is just too many of us that have struggled to finally get a positive, then get comfortable and then have it all ripped away from us.  At 15 weeks, 20 weeks, 32, gosh even 40 weeks.   That I feel like I can't relax for one minute.  But I'm  hoping by purging myself of these thoughts that maybe it will ease a bit.  By putting my fears out there into the universe, maybe I will find some sense of calm.

I'm sorry this isn't a happy yahhh I'm 16 weeks post.  Maybe that will come later this week, but I just wanted to share my thoughts.  Just in case any of you that have found success are having the same difficult time, I want you to know you are not alone. 

Much Love



Brenda said...

Hi KS, you would think being pregnant would be harder than going through active infertility, wouldn't you? When I was pregnant, I was the same way. I would be fine for about 2 weeks after the ultrasound and then I would start to have panic attacks. I didn't get a crib until I was 32 weeks along. I didn't pack a hospital bag, I didn't wash baby clothes...not one thing. I didn't even read about what to do when your baby gets here. I didn't have a pediatrician picked out once the babies were born, didn't research on what to do with babies in the NICU. Nothing. I didn't want to have anything that would remind me of what I had lost, should something have gone wrong. Fortunately, for most of us, things do still go well. You are past the critical 12 week mark that is supposed to be the scariest part.

I hope you get some closure about baby B. It is certainly not your fault that baby B didn't make it. Goodness knows that you would have moved heaven and earth if you could have. Development is so complex, that I find it amazing that we are even here at all!

I hope my words are some comfort to you. I know I am writing to you from the "other side" of pregnancy, but everything looks like it is going well for baby A. S/he is growing and developing, ready to make his/her debut in the world.

I think that those of us that struggle to get pg, really want everything to be "normal" during our pregnancy. We are finally part of the club, right? But we probably will never feel "normal" about pregnancy, and that is all right. Some people that don't have infertility problems still worry about their pregnancy. Just try to feel as positive as you can, when you can, for baby A. Be compassionate with yourself. You have been through a lot, but there are great things ahead....

LisainSK said...

ks...even though my most recent post was that I was "glowing"...I still am scared/terrified that this is all going to come crashing down too. I have my moments. Just don't beat yourself up that you have these feelings. They will pass when they want to or when you feel secure enough to appease your fears. Hang in there...you are doing great.

Eggs said...

Oh honey - I'm sorry you're going through this worry, even if it is 100% understandable. I think I will be in much the same boat, should it ever happen... but I remain hopeful that at 16 weeks you're ticking along nicely... it is hard for us to accept positive things in our lives, but eventually you'll feel confident that this miracle really did happen for you. Always thinking of you...