December 6, 2010

Thoughts... (Warning Anxiety)

My heart is broken for a fellow blogger.  Paige I am thinking of you today.  I don't know why this has happened to you.  My heart broke when I read your entry yesterday.  Please know that you and your sweet angel boy are in my prayers.  

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I don't understand why things like this have to happen.  I know that there are reasons for everything, I get that...but still...   I've seen too many good women suffer again and again.  And yet there are so many people out there who should never be parents, and they get it so easy.  Why???  Don't tell me it's because that child is going to do wonderful things.  That's BUNK!  Most children that come from families with drug, alcohol, and / or abuse do not turn around and do fantastic things with their lives.  No they continue the god damn cycle!  It's just so frustrating.  We all want this so badly.  We have a love so deep that we want to share and yet we are banished to struggle, fight, and cry for it.  Infertility you suck!

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We got our Doppler on Friday.  The only bloody heart beat I can find is my own gosh dang it.  Have I been a bit cranky since then?  You bet your sweet ass I have been.  I don't feel pregnant.  I don't feel hopeful.  I feel hopeless, sad, and angry.  Okay maybe angry is a bit soft!  (Oh I know it could be too early, but c'mon really?!?!) 

On my Support Board there are 3 separate boards.  Yellow is for Trying to Conceive via DE, Pink is for Pregnant by DE, and Green is for Still Trying Thru DE.  I obviously am a green board member.  We call ourselves the Jaded Ladies.  I have yet to 'officially' join the Pink board for fear.  After losing B and hearing about Paige, Margolis, Mo, to name a few, I feel like I am always going to be a Jaded Lady.  How is this going to work out for me, when I see it fail for so many others who are just as deserving.

If you are still reading this.  I'm sorry for sounding like I don't appreciate the success we have finally found.  But to be truly honest I don't call it success until Bebe is at home sleeping in a bassinet.  Then maybe my fears and anxieties about loss will leave me.  I hope the rest of my successful bloggers are feeling more positive than I am.  Please don't let my fears ruin this for you.  And to the rest that are still trying I hope when you have success that there are no speed bumps, no spotting, no beta he!! and no drama!

Much Love

ks

3 comments:

Brenda said...

((HUGS)) KS. All of this is such a roller coaster ride. Up until they handed me my boys, I still felt like a Jaded Lady. Too afraid to hope. I am so sorry for Paige and for the anxiety that you are going through. I wish there was an "easy" button for this. Try to take one moment at a time and know that there are many ladies in the cyber universe that are pulling for you, JD and your wee one.

LisainSK said...

At times I feel more hopeful but I still have my share of doubt. Friday is our second ultrasound and I am on pins and needles. I haven't started a ticker, looked at what an embie looks like at 7w5d, or brought out any pg books. I guess I still feel like I'm part of the "Jaded" club too even though I have no reason to worry. But still...just been blindsided too much and I won't relax until that baby is in my arms.

Aysha said...

fyi-I couldn't find a heartbeat w/my doppler until I was at least 9 weeks, and even then I had to press down pretty hard to hear it. I'm sure you'll hear it soon!