March 25, 2015

Weathering the Storm (IF related post)

As promised I wanted to write a post regarding the after shocks of infertility.  JD and I are done our family building (due to finances).  We are almost 2 years out of cycling and clinic visits.   And I don't miss one minute of it.  And we have 2 gorgeous little girls that couldn't make me any happier.  

But life challenges have arisen.  And these challenges brought up one of the after shocks that still remain from our infertility diagnosis.  The money!  The guilt!

Our financial situation has drastically changed in the last 2 years.  We went from two business' to one.  Our contract was renewed with our head office and we were given a horrible contract.  Over 5% less than we had been making in the last 5 years.  And take into account we are down to one store...  I decided not to go back to work, and became a full time student.  We now have 2 children in part time daycare.  $$$$$$$  just flies out of the account.  

I feel this awful guilt.  The infertility is my fault.  Well it was MY body that failed.  It was my choice to use the DE vacation agency that we used the first time...that ended up costing us $32,000 US and left us with no pregnancy and no answers.  

It was a mutual decision to push forward and spend the money on one last attempt.  It was both of us that decided to attempt DE in the first place.  We were a partnership all the way through it....So why am I left feeling this overwhelming guilt now...

JD is stressed.  I am stressed.  I feel the weight of the family on my shoulders.  Finish school, get a good job, then JD can leave his business and go back to school himself.  Hurry up ks, finish, get our lives back on track...  I know JD isn't intending me to feel all of this.  But there it is.  

The wounds of my infertility have not fully healed.  The scars are there, with only a little bit of healing, easy to re-open at the drop of a hat. Will the financial strain of what we went through be the death of my marriage, now 2 years later?  I honestly do not know?  I hope not.  But I can't deny how I feel.  I'm tired of struggling.  I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of feeling guilty.  I'm tired of watching everyone else live the lives they've always dreamed of, and we are starting over.  

Infertility cost me $100,000.  I would have paid $1million.  My girls are precious to me.  They are my everything.  No one could have predicted what would happen with our business over the last 8 years.  JD's father sold us to a big Corporate machine.  Our contracts have been renegotiated to not benefit us year after year after year.  We gave up one store as it was costing us too much to keep it.  And now...well...JD's dream is crumbling...we are supporting our business through the winter with out line of's getting worse and worse.  Not better.  

We may have made it to the other side of infertility, and I couldn't feel more blessed (in that regard).  But the financial strain that this long and winding road has taken, just might destroy us.  17 years together, and this just might beat us.  

I love JD dearly...I truly do...but I can't feel this guilt for the rest of my life.  I can't have his kind of pressure on me constantly.  This wasn't supposed to be like this.  

I'm sitting here in tears writing this...because this is such an awful feeling.  I hate that we had to spend that money to get our girls...but at the same life would be empty without them...and they wouldn't be here if we hadn't...God damn it...Infertility really does suck.  Take it from a veteran on the other never goes away.

Much love


Michelle D said...

Goodness so much going on with you both. I'm sorry. I can relate to the stress of the financial cost of infertility on the other side. We only spent around $30k after all is said and done (haha comparative depending on who you talk to but I'm realizing it's not that bad compared to many). I wish it wasn't so hard and financially damaging for so many. I too hate that this large expense was "my fault" even though a team decision. I hope that your schooling goes quickly and I hope that things get easier for you both. It's all worth it for the little ones that fill our hearts but it doesn't make the stress of finances any easier. Hang in there and I will be pulling for you.

Jos said...

Oh hon, marriage is tough enough as it is in patches without the stress of $100k expenses on top of it. I pray this is just a short patch in your marriage and that things feel easier soon. Charlie and I were in a VERY bad place about 2 months ago, and things are actually going a little better right now, which I'm eternally grateful for.

I know you know this, but you need to let go of that guilt. 1) it was money well spent in the end, 2) guilt won't change your finances now, so please, please let it go.

Remember that when you're watching everyone else live the lives they've dreamed of, you're probably only seeing the window they share with facebook. We all have our own issues going on behind the curtain - just not everyone is brave enough to share it. I wish I could share more on my blog, but my Mom reads and Charlie does from time to time, so I just want. Just saying you're not alone...

Anonymous said...

This is so sad. I happened to stumble across your blog trying to find more information on donor eggs because I'm starting this journey now.

You are correct this is really expensive but I'm hoping worth every penny as well. Just keep in mind that the darkest part of night is right before dawn and brighter days are definitely ahead.