April 11, 2013


A girlfriend of mine asked me this the other day and it gave me pause...She asked "Are you feeling more connected to this pregnancy this time as it's your second?"  

I honestly had to pause to answer her...And to be honest...I lied...  I said I was feeling more connected, but that I was just so grateful for everyday that we are pregnant.  And that even if this doesn't end as it should I would still thank my lucky stars for getting to experience this twice.

Okay the grateful part isn't a lie.  But the feeling more connected part is.  I don't know if it's just me or, if it is some type of PTSD, or a defense mechanism.  But no I do not feel connected.  I feel pregnant.  I feel fat in that odd all out front hard soccer ball way.  I get winded easily.  I'm hungry and nauseous all at the same time.  And I feel her moving (not as much this week???).  But I don't feel 'the connection'.  I actually feel a little less connected this time then I did with Lola, which is really strange.

With Lola we had so much worry that she wasn't going to make it.  With Miss Frostie she's been fine the entire time.  And yet...I don't know...I can't explain it...  I think a big part of my disconnect is I have so little time for myself and my own thoughts.  I'm so busy with Lola, work, organizing the house, and just your daily life chores, that I have no time to focus on what's actually happening.

I'm prepping the house.  I'm nesting.  But I'm not connecting...  It's weird and I feel awful writing about this here.  But I need to be honest in case any of you find yourself in this same position once you reach success.  

With Lola I didn't actually feel the bond right away.  And it was slow.  There was this overwhelming love that grew like a fire.  But I didn't have it at the hospital or right away.  Mind you it could have been the magnesium sulfate and the ridiculously high blood pressure making me almost zombie like, but I still felt disconnected in a way.  And it really didn't improve too much or too fast.  Post partum hormones are a massive B!TCH!  I kept feeling like an impostor, and that I wasn't really her mom...Seriously I know it was all hormones but it was tough.

And I 100% know that it all stems from our infertility battle and having to use DE.  I can't pin point when everything changed.  But I do know that every night when I looked at her sleeping in her swing, or staring up at me while I fed her my heart pounded.  It pounded so hard I thought my chest would explode.  I was so in love with this little creature.  

So please if you are pregnant or when you get pregnant do not judge yourself too harshly if you don't feel that 'connection' right away.  It is different for all of us.  But I thought maybe one or two of you out there might benefit from knowing that I too have these feelings.

I have another post coming about PPD...I have a girlfriend having serious problems with this right now.

Much Love!


1 comment:

Stephanie said...

Thank you for being so honest. I'd have to say I agree, that I am not as connected with this pregnancy as my first. I think the main reasons are being busy with Chloe, this was a 'surprise' pregnancy, meaning we didn't expect it to happen as quickly as it did with as little medical intervention as it did, and lastly I think b/c it's a boy. Having a boy is new to me. I always wanted a boy and girl, but to be completely honest I was a little bummed when I found out it was a boy. I think having two girls so close in age would be so fun. But I know down the road I will be very thankful for having one of each. I don't feel as good this time around and I'm focused on giving Chloe as much attention as I can before her world is rocked with a baby brother. So all this to say, you are not alone. :)