It's official! JD and I are the last 2 younger people in our neighbourhood who either have no children or aren't pregnant. The neighbour's across the street that are probably a couple of years older than JD and I are 3 months pregnant. They've lived across the street from us for 4 years, we thought they might be having trouble getting pregnant. We talk to them quite a bit and neither one of us ever asked "So are you guys thinking about kids?" And I thought maybe they never asked just like we don't because they hate that as much as we do... Apparently not. Apparently they were just waiting until they got the inside of their house finished off the way they want it. We were chatting with the husband this afternoon and he told us. We were both very happy for them. (really we are!)
But then shortly after I started to feel like crying. I feel like such an outsider. Everyone around us has young kids. I have no membership to the Mommy Club. I'm lonely. It's now a club of one here in the burbs. I know this affects JD just as much as it does me. He asked me after the neighbour's DH left "are you okay, are you sad?"
I am sad. I feel so defective. I would love to have our house as close to finished with all the little custom things a home owner does. But NO my body is a defective piece of crap, I have had to spend $60,000 trying to have a baby. I feel horrible that my body can't do the one thing a woman was created to do. We are created to give life. That is our special thing! Infertility is the biggest punch in the heart. It's breaks your confidence as a woman. It destroys who you think you were supposed to be. It drains you of so much happiness. It shakes your faith. It makes you question your beliefs. It forces you to talk to God.
God and I have many conversations about all of this. Even though I don't understand our struggle. What am I supposed to learn?! Not to be envious? To be patient? To never assume? How strong is your faith? Mine waivers. I bought a cute little sign for my front entrance. It says "Believe with all your heart". And when I'm down and I walk up/down the stairs I see it and remember to try to have faith, there are no tears in heaven. One day I'll better understand. I hope! And until then....who knows...