July 2, 2010

Accepted and Disappointed!

Those two items don't look like they should go together really do they?  But in our case that seems to be the norm.  We have been accepted into the Shared Risk Guarantee Program with Shady45.  Yahhh!  I finally got the donor pass code last night to start the donor search.  And low behold there are count them 2 blue eyed donors.  One with scoliosis, brown hair, blue eyes, miscarriage history, etc...  And the second is a red head.  Nuff said! 

Obviously #1 isn't in the running.  And #2 is a no go as well.  There is no one in either families with red hair.  I have nothing against red haired women, I've dyed my hair red many a time!  But without there being any chance of us naturally having a red headed child I don't feel comfortable using that donor.  So I changed my search just to look at Caucasians....  Okay there were seriously only 7 other donors.  This is very disappointing to say the least.

One minute we are up, one minute we are down.  I was so jazzed on Monday when after only 14 days of estrace my lining was 8.4.  And I had 9 follies!!  All tiny of course, but I've never had more than like max 4 and that was with EPP!   I had thought picking the donor was going to be the easy part.  I was apparently wrong!

JD and I have talked it out.  We are just going to wait until the right donor comes along with Shady45.  I did put a bug in his ear that maybe we should just consider either cycling in Zlin, or doing a solo cycle here locally with and agency donor.  Zlin is cheap and I know we could get the cycle rolling by at least October.  Their donor pool is loaded with blonde haired blue eyed women too.  Cycling here would cost us the same as what Shady45's 6 fresh cycles will cost us.  And it would probably take until November to get a cycle rolling.  But we would get to choose the donor, and the agency I would use supplies you with current adult photos of the donors. 

Our reasons for waiting are this...

  • unsure about health history with Zlin donors.

  • very far to travel and they don't overstim the donors, so fewer embies to work with.

  • Very anonymous.  No pictures, no history, no nothing, clinic picks the donor for you.

  • Locally, it is very expensive.

  • Repeating all the testing and meetings we've just completed but with a different clinic.

  • Scared that if donor is not a rock star producer, we end up with no frosties, a failure, and no money left for any other options.
So you can see our fear of failure is really driving us right now.  I don't necessarily know that that is the right frame of mind to make this decision with, but....what else do you do?  I would love to cycle here with a donor from this one agency, but fuck me, what if it doesn't work?  I'm so scared to be left with nothing.  Why can't we just win the Lotto Max so we can have more options and that way I could actually find the donor I really want.  I hate settling.  And trust me it's not like I think I would win beauty contests or anything.  But this is my stand in, my understudy, I am getting to choose the genetic traits we want our children to have.  This is a fucking hard journey.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.


On a side note...  Please say a prayer for a fellow blogger friend.  Sweet G, I'm thinking of you and praying with everything I've got that your little bean makes it through the procedure.  I know your heart is heavy right now, and I'm sorry.  This was supposed to be the most joyous time for you and it's heartbreaking.  Stay strong, you've done what had to be done.  ((hugs))

Much Love



Michelle D said...

Yeah! that you got accepted :) Boo on the choices to work with so far. I will keep my fingers crossed for the perfect donor to come along. We also wanted a blue eyed donor and ended up going with another (brown eyed) because everything else fit but that. I hope you find a great donor and super success. Thinking of you! :)

Brenda said...

I'm so glad you got accepted, but sorry that the donors don't work for you. It is hard to pick a donor. Ironically, eyes were somewhat of a sticking point with me as well. I have brown eyes, my husband blue. In my family there is a small chance I could end up with a genetically blue-eyed child, but brown is much more common. The donor we chose has blue eyes, so both my boys have blue eyes. I secretly wonder if anyone is curious about that...

I hope you find a donor that works for you. Our clinic didn't have donors on file, we had to use an agency. I must admit, it was nice to have a variety of pictures of the donor to choose from, both adult and growing up. We even have pictures of her kids. She was (amazingly) willing to meet us. I think that made all the difference.

I am thinking of you both and hoping that the right donor comes along for you guys.

MAJ Bryen said...

I've heard that Shady 45's pool is low this summer but it moves and changes quickly. Do they have any blue eyed donors in the frozen pool? My main criterion was proven fertility so I didn't get too wrapped up on eye color, especially since they vary so much in families. My Mom has green eyes, my Dad's are dark brown and mine are blue! My Dh and I have blue eyes but our donor's were green. Good luck to you! I would check the donor list every few days because things change quickly.
Best wishes to both you and JD