July 6, 2010

Low Days...

I cried, hard, with JD on Friday night.  I'm still very sad about the loss of a genetic connection.  I don't think that will ever go away.  I dreamed...  Since I was eighteen I've dreamed and waited to find the right mate.  Now I've got him and my dreams are broken.  With 3 letters my dreams were set ablaze.  P  O  F. 

I had dreamed of a little girl.  With blonde hair and big round blue eyes, just like her mommy.  I wondered would she play hockey or would she be a gymnast, like her mommy.  Would she have an engineer's mind like her poppy.  Or would she be a nurturer like her Nonna?  Would she be tall like Dad or a smurf, like mom?  I dreamed of having children that would carry on my traits and my mom and dad's traits.  That loss hurts my heart.

Trying to decide on a clinic and a donor, has just brought to the fore front all those feelings of loss again.  There are certain characteristics I always dreamed of, and that's really hard for me to let go of.  I can't chose and move forward willy nilly.  This is the last of the money we have to try to have a baby.  It is very important that we make the right choice this time.  Emotionally I don't think I can handle having to end this journey without a baby in my arms and an empty bank account.

I guess it's time I do some more research on options.  I'll keep you all posted on what I find.  Wish me luck.  And pray for a peaceful mind for me.  No more anxiety attacks please!!!

Signing off

1 comment:

Brenda said...

Hi KS,

I'm late to respond to your post. I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately and I actually plan on doing a short "series" about how I feel about this loss of genetic connection both pre- and now post-birth of the twins. There is definitely a grieving process that occurs with the use of donor eggs. I am sorry that your heart hurts right now. I cannot say that you will ever truly "get over" this loss, but holding YOUR baby in your arms certainly does ease the pain.

I sincerely hope that moving through this process you find peace.