I cried, hard, with JD on Friday night. I'm still very sad about the loss of a genetic connection. I don't think that will ever go away. I dreamed... Since I was eighteen I've dreamed and waited to find the right mate. Now I've got him and my dreams are broken. With 3 letters my dreams were set ablaze. P O F.
I had dreamed of a little girl. With blonde hair and big round blue eyes, just like her mommy. I wondered would she play hockey or would she be a gymnast, like her mommy. Would she have an engineer's mind like her poppy. Or would she be a nurturer like her Nonna? Would she be tall like Dad or a smurf, like mom? I dreamed of having children that would carry on my traits and my mom and dad's traits. That loss hurts my heart.
Trying to decide on a clinic and a donor, has just brought to the fore front all those feelings of loss again. There are certain characteristics I always dreamed of, and that's really hard for me to let go of. I can't chose and move forward willy nilly. This is the last of the money we have to try to have a baby. It is very important that we make the right choice this time. Emotionally I don't think I can handle having to end this journey without a baby in my arms and an empty bank account.
I guess it's time I do some more research on options. I'll keep you all posted on what I find. Wish me luck. And pray for a peaceful mind for me. No more anxiety attacks please!!!