January 26, 2010

Scared and not Sleeping

That's me.  I guess scared isn't really the right word.  I don't really know how to communicate all the feelings I'm having right now.  I'm having terrible visions of looking my husband in the eyes and telling him that once again my body has failed us.  Call it instinct, call it what you want.  But I'm certain this is another down ward spiral on our rollercoaster ride of infertility.  I have no connection.  No feeling that anything good is happening in my body.  I have a back ache like my AF is right around the corner.  I keep running to the bathroom as I feel like it is right there, just to find more green...  Thank you estrace for making me feel like an alien.

I'm not giving up that this is the year for us.  I just don't feel anything special about this cycle.  And the fact that the transfer happened on my SIL's Birthday just made it feel all that more doomed to me.  Don't get me wrong, I love my SIL.  But to have something else special already going on, on that day, just gives me the jinx feeling.  How perfect I get to be reminded every year of our failed FET transfer when we sing Happy Birthday to my SIL.  Yahhh!  Life really is quite funny!  Har! Har!  (very sarcastic laugh).

Thank you all for your well wishes and Maddy for your spell.  I really do appreciate them.  It makes my heart full to know that there are people out there cheering us on when we can't cheer for ourselves.

6 comments:

Brenda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brenda said...

KS--still cheering, but I know that this is just a horrible waiting game. Just to let you know, I had AF cramps all the time during the 2ww when I got preg. Just trying to rally you a little bit here.....I know that it doesn't mean much coming from someone who has already gotten preg.....

BTW, I do hate the "remembrance" days: day before mother's day 2007--first canceled IVF cycle, my mother's b/day 2007--BFN w/ the only IVF using my eggs. Yeah, thanks...

Sending you cheery thoughts and rallying the troops for your body and those embies....
Brenda

Mad Hatter said...

I know it's so freaking hard when the stakes are so so so high, but DO TRY TO RELAX...go on a movie marathon like me, or do whatever it takes - just distract yourself from yourself for another 10 days or however long it will be...
Someone once told me "What you fear, you draw near"....STOP visualizing the worst! Seriously. I am being bossy here and you can dislike me for it all you want, but I'm ordering you and your DH to fill your days with pleasant diversions to avoid the mental exhaustion of worrying and fearing. Remember: no symptoms can mean pregnancy and symptoms can mean pregnancy so therefore nothing you notice or don't notice means anything!
I continue to hope and wish and pray for you and your little nuts!
Love,
Maddy

Hope C said...

the 2ww is the worst. I'm holding out hope that you'll be happily surprised. Hang in there!

suchagoodegg said...

I hope you have two things to celebrate on that day for-evah. It could happen!!! That said, I give you license to feel however you feel, whether it be good or bad or hopeful or doomsday or somewhere in between or all of the above.....but from here I will be rooting for you and shouting "it's not over til it's over!" Good luck!!

MAJ Bryen said...

I had cramps with both my pregnancies and my DR always said that is was a good sign rather than a bad sign. Still sending you warm thoughts...