November 28, 2009

We will Survive...

I'm okay...I guess...I'm frustrated...but today I'm dressed, I'm at work, I'm approaching customers with a smile on my face, a fake smile, but to them I look happy, helpful, and like I want to be here.  So I guess I'm making progress.  Which is good.  I still have crying jags here and there.  I don't know if those will ever really go away...

JD and I have decided we are going to go ahead with the FET.  We are going to beg, borrow, and steal (okay not steal) our way to get this finished.  We at least want to be done with this donor and all the FET's so that we can start thinking about and planning "Plan C".  Neither one of us knows what "plan C" really is yet.  Is it another cycle with a new donor, is it adoption, is it deciding to live child free???  We don't know. read right...this week I looked at the Adoption Websites...and yup...I clicked off them really quickly too.  I have nothing against it really.  I just have a really hard time facing the fact the I won't carry my husband's child.  That even though there's is nothing wrong with JD that I can't give him a child of his own. 

I think if this is the way we are going to go I will need sometime to grieve.  I think I'll need some help dealing with that loss of life inside me...  I know carrying a child is only one small 9 month part of being a mother, but it is the part I have dreamed about since I was a little girl playing mother to my cat Misty and my Cabbage Patch Doll Rebecca!

One thing I do know through all of this...  We can survive this.  With the support of our families, and with big sloppy kisses from the 3 musketeers.  We will survive this.  My mantra for the FET is going to be mind over matter.  I'm going to focus only on positive thoughts, this will work, they will thaw, they will be transferred, I will get pregnant.  We will SUCCEED and SURVIVE!

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