The Year I Broke - Part 1

2017 was the hardest year for me.   With infertility I went through hell and back.  Struggled with depression and never faltered like this year.  By mid summer I finally went to my Dr for some medicinal help with sleeping and anxiety.  It helped a bit, but my life went shit sideways the very next day.

The year started off poorly.  My coop didn't have it in their budget to keep me on as an 'employee' (as a coop I was a tax deduction only costing them $1500 for 3 months).  I was okay with this as the job was pretty far from home, and my oldest dog wasn't doing well, so I was okay being home and looking for different employment.

I found a new job at the end of January.  Close to home, crappy pay, but a job I liked.  Unfortunately 2 weeks into work I came down with really bad pneumonia.   So bad in fact that I ended up with an infection on my rib cage (where my fractures are).  I lost 15 lbs in 3 days.  And sadly we also had to put down our 15 year old dog Tonka in the middle of all this.  We were so sad.  He was our little boy.  JD took it really hard.  But we rebounded.  I recovered after 3 rounds of antibiotics, and 2 follow up chest x-rays, and life continued on.

I loved what I was doing at work.  It was in my field that I graduated from in 1999, so it was familiar.  It was solo work, with client interaction, and I'm really good with that.  I love doing legal documents.  It's kind of a perfectionists fortee!  However, the environment in the office was toxic.  It was an office of all woman.  This was a big change for me.  Our business is male dominated.  Computer programming is male dominated.  I had just left a team where I was 1 of 2 woman on a team of 16!  I kept my head down, my tone polite and a smile on my face.  But the barrage of abuse that would come through on emails would beat me down.  Literally I would receive 8 emails within 5 minutes from the lawyer.  If I answered a call (which I was the rollover from reception) I would get evil eyes from the office manager all day.  It was very catty, very bitchy and just impossible to keep a positive attitude.  But I continued with the job.

I am still running.  Lola is advancing in dance and Lucy is now starting activities as well.  So I would hustle all morning, get everyone where they needed to be, start a crock pot dinner, go to work, work through lunch as taking a lunch was frowned upon, then hustle to pick everyone up, drop one at dance, one at baseball, all while eating said crockpot dinner in the car, then get home, clean and run.  Usually I sat down at around 9:30 at night.   And yes you hear no JD in any of this.  When he was present we were fighting.  We became ships passing each other.  I had 5 months of kidney infections in all of this.  I noticed that I was beginning to have more anxiety attacks, but I shrugged it off.

JD and I continued to fight and drift farther apart.

My snowbird parents came home, and my Dad promptly left for 6 weeks to work in the USA.  I was so irritated....  But then he came home early!!!  We were so excited!  We only get them in our province for 4-5 months a year, and they are 4 hours away.  My Dad came home and the very next day decided to do his rounds to see his grand babies!  They came to us first.  It was a whirlwind.  I still had 2 girls to run to ball and was at work.  But I managed a crappy dinner, and we bailed on bball to just enjoy each other.  I noticed during dinner my Dad wasn't eating.  I asked if he was okay.  He said yes, but he was having squishy tummy.  He has diverticulitis.  So I asked what I could do or make him?  He said nothing.  The girls went off to bed and we sat down to visit.  I could hear my dad's guts across the house!!!   I tried to get him to go to the ER, but he would have none of it.  He admitted he hadn't been to the bathroom in 2 days at this point.

They they continued to my brothers.  My Dad got worse.  He started vomiting by the end of the weekend.  They left my brother's in the BIG city, drove 8 hours, passed about 7 major top of the list hospitals, back to their small blue hair community and went to emerg.  My brother and I both hopped in our cars the following morning (Monday) and drove to them.  ER found a mass in my dad's colon.  He had an endoscope on Tuesday, they claim was successful, and by Wednesday they sent me home as they believed it was a diverticulitis flare and under control.  My brother stayed and got my dad up walking to try to move the gas, he was bloated up from diaphragm to crotch.  That night my Dad's pain increased immensely.  Thursday I was told they were going to do another endoscope on Friday morning.   The endo was scheduled for 11 am.  I couldn't get anyone on the phone all day.

....  I knew something was very wrong ....