Okay so I have lived where we are now for 13 years. And in that 13 years I have made less than a handful of friends. For 10 of the years we have been down here I worked 7 days a week, leaving no time for other interesting things in my life that would encourage us to make new friends. JD and I are not overly religious and the church his parents want us to attend has no couples in our age group. Another factor is that out of that 13 years, we spent 7 of them on this infertility journey. Which left us not wanting to make friends, and us distancing ourselves from those that have kids.
I had made friends though in the last 3 years. One that became my best friend. One that blew apart on me right at Halloween. I admit to my errors in our falling apart. They were not severe or friendship ending by no means. And I apologized 3 times sincerely for hurting her feelings and making her feel like she couldn't count on me. I also reminded her that the person she is getting her information from has also told me a large number of things that she claims to be untrue as well. So to take what was said with a grain of salt. This friend never apologized for what she said about me, or for her role in our fight. I reached out 3 times after the fight, and was rebuffed every time. This last week, she sent me an invite through a group message on FB to go to the movies with her. I wasn't going to reply but when a week passed and no one else responded I though that was pretty rude. So I responded politely, thanked her for the invite and declined. What I wasn't expecting was one of the other moms to respond about her invitation to her son's birthday party this weekend, that Lola is obviously not invited to.
I didn't expect to be invited, obviously...but it hurts to have it rubbed in your face in a group message on facebook. And it bothers me for my daughter. Her son was Lola's best friend. They went to the sitter's together for 2 years until Halloween. They hugged and kissed each other at the door in the morning and at night when I would pick her up. They loved each other. So I left the group message... And then I poked about and discovered she had 'unfriended' me awhile ago. Okay...? So why ask me to go to the movies with you????
So yeah...I'm feeling great lately...sniff...sniff...
Let's recap the last 4 months....
July to current - start having PPD symptoms
October - fight and lose my one good friend I have locally.
October - December - lose one of our business'
January - whole house sick for one month.
January - lose my dear doggy and can't even bury her as we have 8 feet of snow.
To say I feel broken is an understatement. And I wake up every morning with intentions of attacking the day, and making it a great day. And then one thing or another beats me down. I'm trying so hard to pull myself out of this funk. The house is adjusting to the loss of our doggie. The other 2 just started barking for their food again today. They are still waiting at the front door for her, and refusing to sleep in their dog bed, but they are coming around. Lola still asks about her but she's 2 1/2 so I expect that to go on for awhile. I don't cry everyday anymore. I get choked up a lot but the tears are drying up. I miss her every day. I see her ghost every where, and I hear her when she's not there...sniff...sniff...okay I am crying today...
I have 2 miracles and I'm trying so hard for them. Lucy though has been difficult (that's being kind) for over a month now with this flu, head cold and teething, so that is adding to my mood. My lifestyle change has been challenged a lot lately as I am an emotional eater. But I am trying, and I am forcing myself to go to the gym as it will sometimes make me feel better. It's just so strange to have a house so full and still feel so empty and alone. And sad...
If you are not a dog owner, you really won't understand why the loss of my dog is hitting me so hard. She was my first baby. Yes she was a dog, no she was not human. But she was MINE! She was my dog, she waited for me to come home everyday and showered me with unconditional love. She was my sweet sweet girl that kissed all my tears away after too many surgeries to speak of and too many bad Dr's appointments. She sat with me while I breast fed Lola all night. I slept on a kitchen floor with her and helped her breast feed her own babies. I love Miss Maddie and my heart still hurts from having to make that decision. But it was the right decision.
But I am praying with everything that I have that things are going to make a turn soon for us. People are going to stop hurting us intentionally. The pain of not having Miss Maddie will get easier to deal with. The business aspect will get less scary. The girls will get healthy again and be my happy girls once again. Lucy will get sleep trained and I will finally experience 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep soon.
So you see...I am hopeful...