January 14, 2014

Failing at Everything! *warning some F bombs dropped*

Okay this is going to be a WOOO is me pity post.  I swear I've been crying since Saturday.  Lucy has been under the weather since Friday afternoon.  I fail to say sick as we are not sure.  And I feel like a failure for that as well.  She got her shots on Tuesday, and was grumpy and stand off'ish since then.  But then Friday she stopped eating.  No bottles, no food?  Then the pooping started.  And I mean pooping.  To the point we did a full load of laundry (including 2 sets of sheets) and not one thing in there did not have poop on it.  This lasted until yesterday, when she finally had a normal'ish poop.  But she still is only taking an ounce to two ounces of formula and maybe eating one bowl of pablum a day!?!?!  I am beside myself. 
She has no fever.  Her color is good.  Her mood is okay, fussy, and uncomfortable, but okay.  She doesn't have dark bags under her eyes.  So there is really no reason for me to rush off to the emergency room.  And I feel like an idiot if I rush her into the Dr's and it's just her teething.  But I am at my wit's end.  If it doesn't improve today we are going to the Dr's tomorrow.  (tomorrow I have help with Lola).  Of course I'm blaming myself and saying if I hadn't stopped breast feeding this wouldn't be happening.  But I did stop breast feeding, to lose the weight, and guess what?  That's not moving either.
Another Fail!
I have been stuck at 149 lbs. for about a week now.  I am doing everything I am supposed to.  I'm making time for running.  I did water aerobics yesterday (with Lucy).  I should be losing anywhere from 1-2 lbs. per week.  But of course my body is failing me yet again.  I go to my nutritionist today and I will probably cry when I step on the scale.  Seeing no change or just a fluctuation between the same 2 numbers week after week is really disheartening.  And this lifestyle change takes a whole heck of a lot of work to maintain for fuck's sake.  If I'm going to fluctuate between the same numbers I might as well go back to having Wendy's every other night for dinner instead of busting my ass every day to make healthy home cooked meals every 2 fucking hours.  And of course the eating disorder side of me is screaming JUST STOP EATING FATTY!!!! 
Holy crappers...I am in a low place. 
I don't know what to do about my baby.
I don't know what to do about my weight.
I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife.
And I miss my friend...(my friend and I had a falling out 2 months ago and haven't spoken since).
This sucks.  I'm going to go cry and have a smoke.  Peace out!
Much Love!



Michelle D said...

:( I'm sorry you're having a rough day/week. That sounds tough. I hope that Lucy starts feeling better or that a doctor has some answers. If her temperament is improving and she's still taking in some liquid and putting some out then hopefully it will pass soon.
As to your nutrition and exercise you are kicking butt and I'm sure it will start happening and coming off again. Keep heart you are inspirational to me in the being healthy department :)

benedicte said...

My daughter did the same each time she had a ear infection, no other symptoms than stopping to eat...

Anonymous said...

Ugh, I lost my post.

Ok, starting over. I think you should take her into the pedi tomorrow if she does not improve significantly. Tomorrow will be day 5. Who cares if you it is just teething and who cares what the doc thinks?? Peace of mine for sure is so worth the co pay.

As for your weight, your stress levels maybe the culprit. Stress hormones are a bear w/ wt loss. So as soon as this episode is over you will probably see the scale move.

BTW, I went to Wendy's today and bought a grilled chicken snack wrap and took 2 bites and then threw it away as it tasted horrible. I was in the drive thru so already miles away or I would have complained. I am not sure if the chicken was bad or my taste buds can no longer eat that food.

Anonymous said...

That waa me above FB from the yellow board.