Okay this is going to be a WOOO is me pity post. I swear I've been crying since Saturday. Lucy has been under the weather since Friday afternoon. I fail to say sick as we are not sure. And I feel like a failure for that as well. She got her shots on Tuesday, and was grumpy and stand off'ish since then. But then Friday she stopped eating. No bottles, no food? Then the pooping started. And I mean pooping. To the point we did a full load of laundry (including 2 sets of sheets) and not one thing in there did not have poop on it. This lasted until yesterday, when she finally had a normal'ish poop. But she still is only taking an ounce to two ounces of formula and maybe eating one bowl of pablum a day!?!?! I am beside myself.
She has no fever. Her color is good. Her mood is okay, fussy, and uncomfortable, but okay. She doesn't have dark bags under her eyes. So there is really no reason for me to rush off to the emergency room. And I feel like an idiot if I rush her into the Dr's and it's just her teething. But I am at my wit's end. If it doesn't improve today we are going to the Dr's tomorrow. (tomorrow I have help with Lola). Of course I'm blaming myself and saying if I hadn't stopped breast feeding this wouldn't be happening. But I did stop breast feeding, to lose the weight, and guess what? That's not moving either.
I have been stuck at 149 lbs. for about a week now. I am doing everything I am supposed to. I'm making time for running. I did water aerobics yesterday (with Lucy). I should be losing anywhere from 1-2 lbs. per week. But of course my body is failing me yet again. I go to my nutritionist today and I will probably cry when I step on the scale. Seeing no change or just a fluctuation between the same 2 numbers week after week is really disheartening. And this lifestyle change takes a whole heck of a lot of work to maintain for fuck's sake. If I'm going to fluctuate between the same numbers I might as well go back to having Wendy's every other night for dinner instead of busting my ass every day to make healthy home cooked meals every 2 fucking hours. And of course the eating disorder side of me is screaming JUST STOP EATING FATTY!!!!
Holy crappers...I am in a low place.
I don't know what to do about my baby.
I don't know what to do about my weight.
I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife.
And I miss my friend...(my friend and I had a falling out 2 months ago and haven't spoken since).
This sucks. I'm going to go cry and have a smoke. Peace out!