April 30, 2013

Survivor's Guilt?!

Infertility is such an evil BITCH!!!  

I didn't participate in NIAW as I am Canadian and ours is in May.  But I did want to do a post on how my infertility is still affecting me.  

Ours was a long and unexpected battle.  As is most of yours.  We are one of the lucky ones though, we found success on our 3rd DE transfer with our 2 donor and our 2nd clinic.  And now blessed be we are expecting another little peanut with our last frozen embryo.  

I'm still and always will be infertile.  I have no tubes.  And I am POF.  But now I am an infertile mother.  It's a tricky place to be.  While I'm over joyed to be a mother.  There is still a bitter infertile inside of me.  And even worse, one emotion I wasn't expecting...I have guilt.  I made it to the other side.  And I know so many others who have not.  And I know how reading my blog can hurt you, or seeing my belly makes you cry inside.  I've been there...And I'm sorry.

My neighbor is also an Infertile.  One who found success and has 1 little boy.  They tried to get a cycle going for a second child for 3 months and her body just would not co-operate.  (she is annovulatory, so it's meds with timed intercourse or IUI)  Unfortunately the stress of cycling was just getting to be too much for her with all the monitoring appointments and disappointments, that she has decided to take a step back from trying.  We see them a lot as our babies are 6 months apart and love each other, and every time I see her she just stands there or sits with me and holds my belly.   And I let her.  Because I know she is remembering the feeling.  I know it makes her sad I can see it in her eyes.  And I wish I could say the right thing to make it not hurt.  But I know it doesn't matter what I say it's going to always hurt.  Just like I will always hurt from my diagnosis.  

I have recently hired a new employee.  She too is an infertile.  Her and her husband have decided to live child free.  I don't know what her diagnosis is.  But I have a feeling it's more of a situation where they just can't afford the treatments necessary to try.  I'm not even 100% sure she's ever had an official diagnosis.  I feel terrible when I walk  waddle my way into the office.  I feel like I'm rubbing her nose in my belly.  What's even worse is that my job is physically demanding to someone in my condition and I ache and swell a lot when I'm here.  So I have to catch myself from bitching or moaning too much about being uncomfortable.  She is aware of the fact that we had extensive treatments to be able to have children.  So she does know I am not a fertile turtle.  I don't know why that makes a difference but it does...  She seems to be okay with it though.  I don't see the sadness in her eyes, like I do my other friend.  But I'm still cautious of her feelings.

I guess all this rambling is to explain that infertility does not leave you once you have that baby.  There are new emotions that join in.  And because you've walked that path you try to find that balance.  You want to be empathetic, and thoughtful of other IF'ers still in the trenches.  But you want to surrender to the bliss you have found.  And it's okay too.  Just don't be surprised when some of the other feelings start to creep back in.  They won't be as intense but they will still be there.  

I think of it as though my infertility cracked a little piece of my heart.  And I don't think it will ever heal.  I will always have a small fracture from that day where I thought my dreams died.  But how wrong was I?  That day was the day that made me into the woman I am now.  I am strong, I am intelligent, and I am truly an empathetic personality.  And I found that I have the drive to keep fighting when everyone else says give up.

Keep fighting!  Keep researching.  Keep asking questions.  I keep you all in my thoughts and prayers!

Much Love!



Gypsy Mama said...

Great post!! I also didn't participate in NIAW because I am Canadian.

I'm sure it can't be easy to be pregnant after infertility. You've lose the naivety that comes without having to try to hard to conceive. I'm glad you were successful, and I'm glad you still care about those of us still fighting for our first BFP

Hope said...

I agree with a lot of what you said! Infertility never really goes away once you become a mother. Your heart is cracked and you are forever affected because of it. My husband's cousin just revealed to me that she hasn't been able to get pregnant and I could see the tears well up in her eyes as she told me. My eyes got watery too, for I've been there--I felt that and that feeling stays with you. Great post! Congrats on your pregnancy!