January 24, 2013

Thoughts From a DE Mom

I realized I haven't mentioned my thoughts on DE in quite sometime.  And to be honest with you it's because I seem to forget for the most part.  It's not something that is constantly in the fore front of my mind.  Yes I am still very aware that Lola and I share no DNA, but there are still such similarities between us that it's very easy to forget.  She seems to have my personality.  She's a fire cracker.  She looks a little like JD but not much.  She has his slant of the eyes but that's it.  She's just Lola.  I don't look at her and see her donor, I look at her and I see my miracle.  My Lola.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that there aren't days where I am still very saddened by our journey.  But it doesn't have anything to do with DE.  The reason I have sadness is because of the amount of time we lost trying.  And the amount of tears, sleepless nights and the financial burden my diagnosis put on us.  And the one thing that makes me really sad is that it took us so long to end up at the right clinic and find the right donor for us.  I'm not 'old' by some standards, but I'm definitely older than when I had wanted to start having children.  

For us the idea of using a donor wasn't even something we really had to discuss.  We both really wanted to experience the whole pregnancy thing.  The expanding belly, the kicks, the appointments, the cravings, etc... It was something we had both dreamed off.  Maybe me more so than my husband.  And having DE as an option and the IVF technology available to us is just amazing.  We have many family friends that never had children.  And not for lack of wanting, but because this technology was not around when they were trying.  We are so very fortunate.

One thing I did consider when deciding we were going to go the DE route.  Was anonymity.  We wanted to be anonymous.  Not because of fear or anything.  It was more my take on the egg donation.  My Angel Donor was giving me a cell.  Only a cell.  They were not giving me a child.  They were giving me the chance at a child yes, but it would be my blood and my body supporting this pregnancy.  It was my husband's sperm making the egg into an embryo.  This child would be ours and only ours.  My donor was giving me hope.  And she understood that as she was a mother as well.  And in all honesty that is why I chose a donor who was a mother.  She knew and understood what she was doing.  And that she was just giving us a cell, just as some one donated bone marrow or blood.  They are giving someone else hope, life, a chance. 

I wanted to post this as I read a lot of blogs.  And I've read a couple lately where woman are struggling with the idea that they won't have a genetic child.  They are looking towards adoption instead of DE as they feel DE would be 'too weird'.  And adoption is a great path, but I just would like to assure you that DE is a wonderful path as well.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars for my child and the one growing in my belly right now.  

And in all honesty I'm very happy Lola doesn't have my genes.  She could have inherited my POF, or my thyroid disease.  And we've also recently discovered that my family has a very rare genetic type of brain cancer that most likely myself or one of my brothers will be affected with in our later years.  (no doubt it'll be me, because why the F wouldn't it be) Plus there is a lot of cancer in my family.  So we might have just dodged a massive bullet for our children.

So don't shut the door on DE.  Ask yourself what it really means to be a parent.  Is it just genetics?  And what are you most sad about.  Is it the thought of not having a Minnie Me, or is it the thought of not getting to experience pregnancy?  For me it was the pregnancy.  Getting to birth our child.  And that experience was the best moment of my life.

Much Love!


Anonymous said...

Thanks for yoru post! I also have POF and am doing my first DE/IVF cycle in February. It is awesome for me to be able to read blogs like your that reflect on teh DE experience while parenting. Thanks so much for sharingyour journey. DE is an awesome optiona and was the best choice for us - we are super excitment to (hopefully) experience pregnancy and birth! Parenting is not about genes to me even more (or even pregnancy, thats just a bonus) - its about being a mom!

J o s e y said...

This was SUCH an awesome post to read, ks. I've never thought about DEs quite this way. Definitely a valuable perspective for women in the ALI community to read about!

Sarah said...

Thanks for sharing! I forget too. My husband sometimes worries that when the baby comes, I'll feel different, but I'll think of him or her as my miracle too.

Jules said...

Hi there! I'm Jules from PAILbloggers and I was wondering if we could feature your post this week on our blog. Sorry to leave an open comment about it-- normally we email someone privately and ask, but I can't find an email contact for you! A featured post means we do a short write-up about your post and why we think it's a valuable read, and we link it back here so people can comment directly to you. Let me know if you'd prefer we not feature you! Our featured post would go up Tuesday if I hear from you before then. Thanks! And beautiful post!

ks said...

Hi Jules! I went to your blog but as well couldn't find an area to e-mail back to you. So I thought I'd pop you a note here just in case. I would love it if you chose to feature my post. Thank you for the offer. I can be reached at kspof@hotmail.com

Journey Girl said...

I love this post and feel the same. Being a DE mum is the last thing on my mind most days while my JBB is running around being his two year old self!!! I think about how lucky I am that we live in this age of miracles where this is possible. The only regret that I have is that we didn't move to DE earlier. I know that it's not for everyone but I have trouble understanding why people won't consider it, being a parent is being a parent no matter how it happens I think.

Anonymous said...

I loved this post too ks...for the bloggers that read your blog I too am a DE mamma and echo your sentiments exactly. I have so many thoughts about DE from time to time that deserve to be written and posted about but then life just gets so busy and writing such post gets put on the back burner. Thanks for posting this as I too feel that DE is a WONDERFUL option for those wondering about DE. No regrets...well maybe a few regarding Donor annonymity but nothing else. My son is my son and no one elses...much love.

E and R said...

HI! I am here from PAIL and I am also a DE mom. This post hit SO many notes for me. We chose a known donor (my sister) so while there is a DNA connection, the fact that we were given this chance from someone else remains the same. The women who are willing to donate these cells are angels. Thanks for posting this!

Stephanie said...

I'm popping over from PAIL and wanted to say this was such an interesting post. I follow a few bloggers who used DE and I always enjoy reading different perspectives. I'm your newest follower as I have an almost 18 month old and am a few weeks ahead of you with #2!

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Building Your Family said...

What a wonderful, honest post about your feelings about pregnancy and choosing an anonymous donor. I'm writing to ask whether you would grant permission for us to reprint it in our family building guide (print and online). editor at buildingyourfamily.com

ks said...

To : Building Your Family
Yes most definitely. And please do any editing that needs to be done...Lol! As you can tell I am not a writer by nature. The whole reason for having a blog is to support and help my infertile community. And if you think other intended parents might benefit from reading my post, then please you have my permission.

All my very best to you.

Karen - or ks @ pofjourney