September 17, 2012

Grateful

I am so grateful I found this community.  You my fellow bloggers, followers, my IF support group members, have saved me more than you can really know.  

When we started this journey, so many years ago, I was naive.  The testing was finally ordered after two years of ttc, and I then decided to educate myself.  I looked up all the tests, examined all the different ranges, I tried to determine what my diagnosis would be.  I thought to myself okay knowing what I know it could be annovulation, or PCOS...  The only thing I prayed for was that my FSH would be okay (can we say woman's intuition?).  

But then the WHAMMY came!  

High FSH...that just kept getting higher and higher until I was finally in menopause at the age of 29.  

We tried for months to stem the increase.  I researched, I found an online support community, where success' did happen.  I kept hoping.  But...I also kept researching...I kept searching for stats...I kept looking for others like me.

I found you all.  My blogging community.  At first I just read and read.  Then I created a blog.  It all seemed so easy.  And slowly I started posting.  

JD wasn't as easy to move onto DE.  But JD hadn't been researching and reading all the stats, stories, or going through the emotional turmoil I experienced every month my FSH climbed.  By my 30th birthday my decision was made.  I was turning to DE.  JD saw what was happening to me, and agreed it was our only option.  So we made plans and moved forward.  

I honestly don't know how I would have made it through everything that I have if all of you hadn't shared with me all of your thoughts and emotions going through similar experiences.  I didn't have any close friends where we live (newer to the area), and I had absolutely nobody in real life experiencing infertility.  I may not comment but I read daily.  I read the blogs on my side panel, I read the blogs on their blog rolls,  I read about adoption, PCOS, Life after Loss, surrogacy, IVF, I read it all.  And I credit a lot of you for keeping me sane through all of this.  Giving me strength when I feel I have nothing left.

I came across a blog yesterday.  A family that is just starting into the process again for baby #2.  And reading her emotions and how she still battles daily with her struggle to be happy for those close to her with their pregnancies, it really struck a chord with me.  I can't quote her as I clicked off her blog and can't remember how I found her right now...but she came to the conclusion that it wasn't so much that she wasn't happy for them, or excited, or didn't want to hear about their symptoms etc..it was more the inner battle with herself, longing for that which she can not have.  NO ONE else can understand that other than another infertile.

I now have a close little group of friends I chum around with.  There is one other one in our circle who has fertility issues (slight..medications with timed intercourse).  And even with these wonderful women, I still look to you all for support and understanding.  You all cheer me on.  You advise.  You inspire.  You teach me.

I just wanted to write this post to give credit where credit is due.  Because of all of you and your willingness to share your journey, you've guided me through mine.  Maybe unknowingly, but you have.  Without all of you I don't think I'd be as strong as I am.  I don't know that we'd have our LolaBean.  I don't know if I could have kept going.  So thank you!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for always being here.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for supporting us with comments or even your own blog post that inspired us to keep moving forward.  

To My Warrior Friends!

Much Love!

ks

4 comments:

J o s e y said...

Well said, well said...I feel the same way!

Michelle D said...

Amen! I feel the same way about online support type groups and blogging/following.

Brenda said...

Beautiful! I also love this online community, and while I wish none of us needed it, I am so very grateful to everyone here. Perfectly said KS!

teacher101 said...

I agree....the journey can only be understood by those that have followed in our footsteps. Well said!