April 12, 2011

Low...

I'm feeling a bit blue.  It's really a combination of things.  I know any of you that are reading this that are still trying are thinking suck it up.  And I am trying.  I'm just having a very hard time believing that everything is going to be okay.  I'm having trouble seeing the finish line.  I think a lot of it comes down to having no self esteem...  I feel like I'm not a good enough person to deserve our happy ending.  I just feel like the diagnosis of infertility was such a gigantic blow, and maybe it's because I beat myself up for it for so long.  I know our IF is not necessarily MY fault, but it's hard not to think that way when it is your body that fails.

Second thing that makes me feel low is how difficult this pregnancy has been.  It has been fraught with worry and bad tests.  I have another series of test results coming on Thursday.  Let's just see if I can pass these.  I always dreamed of being one of those cute short tiny pregnant woman, and I just feel like a freaking butter ball.  My belly isn't that big, as I've gained the weight every where.  And the weight gain is difficult for someone who battled an eating disorder for years.  I remind myself daily that this weight is for Lola, and I can work my arse off  later.  This I can seem to shake off, but still there are days when it really brings me down.

Thirdly, $$$$.  We spent so much money on trying to have a baby, that we have set ourselves back at least 5 years.  We own our own business which means when the economy takes a dive we take a dive.  And man the last year has been very tough.  A lot of people think that if you own your own business you live very well.  Let me tell you this is so not the case.  If we have a poop month, we pay our employees and we take the cut.  Which is what has been happening for the last while.  There is nothing we can do about it either.  Our business is very much like this, you have seasons where you make a ton of $ and then some where you run in the red.  It's always been like this.  So we have to save every penny during the really good months to make sure we can do payroll on the off months.  And now with me leaving the office our payroll is going to balloon.  So I'm really feeling the stress. 

Blahh!!!  I'm sorry to be such a Debbie Downer.  This is actually why I haven't been posting very much lately.  I'm sure I'll snap out of it soon, but you know how sometimes purging yourself of your feelings and fears, make it easier?  Well that's what I'm hoping happens tonight.

Much Love!

ks

5 comments:

S said...

I'm still trying, and I don't think you should "suck it up." Sometimes pregnancy isn't fun, even when you've worked hard to achieve it, and money worries are no picnic either, especially when you're soon to become parents.

Here's hoping for positive test results this week and that business picks up for you soon. ;-)

LisainSK said...

Just want to give you a hug...take care ks!

Krystle said...

I hope your tests go well. I can relate as to how much it sucks to not be able to get pregnant, and then to have a horrible pregnancy. It's sad to not be one of those naieve women thinking it's all puppy dogs & rainbows. As if we haven't already had to give up enough thinking getting pregnant should be 'easy.' I think the people who think you aren't allowed to have your feelings & have the whole you are pregnant you should be happy mentality are just being selfish. I remind myself daily that I need to keep perspective. Perspective doesn't help when i've slept 2 hours in the last 24 & have to work 13 tomorrow. The reality is much different than the perspective.
I also get the money issues. Dh makes massive OT in the winter, but we didn't save any of it bc we needed to get caught up from the summer of moving and him not having a job..so now we are screwed. We won't even technically make enough to pay all of the bills..money sucks!
Hugs.

HopeBPatient said...

Hang in there! You've come such a long, long way. And while no one can guarantee that your upcoming test results will be perfect, you've gotten through so many tests and even bad results! You've made it so far! I can totally understand not being able to see the finish line. It must just seem like it's never going to come. But it will. I know what you mean about blaming your body for being such a failure, but think about all the *good* things its done so far! Including keeping Lola safe and sound for this many weeks/months! Thinking of you and hoping these last 82 days go quickly!

Scout said...

Hang in there. We all go through periods where we feel blue. You're not alone in feeling this way.