I'm feeling a bit blue. It's really a combination of things. I know any of you that are reading this that are still trying are thinking suck it up. And I am trying. I'm just having a very hard time believing that everything is going to be okay. I'm having trouble seeing the finish line. I think a lot of it comes down to having no self esteem... I feel like I'm not a good enough person to deserve our happy ending. I just feel like the diagnosis of infertility was such a gigantic blow, and maybe it's because I beat myself up for it for so long. I know our IF is not necessarily MY fault, but it's hard not to think that way when it is your body that fails.
Second thing that makes me feel low is how difficult this pregnancy has been. It has been fraught with worry and bad tests. I have another series of test results coming on Thursday. Let's just see if I can pass these. I always dreamed of being one of those cute short tiny pregnant woman, and I just feel like a freaking butter ball. My belly isn't that big, as I've gained the weight every where. And the weight gain is difficult for someone who battled an eating disorder for years. I remind myself daily that this weight is for Lola, and I can work my arse off later. This I can seem to shake off, but still there are days when it really brings me down.
Thirdly, $$$$. We spent so much money on trying to have a baby, that we have set ourselves back at least 5 years. We own our own business which means when the economy takes a dive we take a dive. And man the last year has been very tough. A lot of people think that if you own your own business you live very well. Let me tell you this is so not the case. If we have a poop month, we pay our employees and we take the cut. Which is what has been happening for the last while. There is nothing we can do about it either. Our business is very much like this, you have seasons where you make a ton of $ and then some where you run in the red. It's always been like this. So we have to save every penny during the really good months to make sure we can do payroll on the off months. And now with me leaving the office our payroll is going to balloon. So I'm really feeling the stress.
Blahh!!! I'm sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. This is actually why I haven't been posting very much lately. I'm sure I'll snap out of it soon, but you know how sometimes purging yourself of your feelings and fears, make it easier? Well that's what I'm hoping happens tonight.