Scared...

I had my OB appointment yesterday.  It turns out not all of my level II blood work came back awesome.  We are in the clear for trisomies, downs and neural tube issues, however my papp a level came back low.  If you are like me your kind of like "okay WTH is that and what does it mean?"  Papp A stands for Pregnancy Associated Plasma Protein and it is a protein made by the syncytiotrophoblast of the placenta to increase its sensitivity to grow.  Women with low blood levels of PAPPA at 8 to 14 weeks of gestation have an increased risk of intrauterine growth restriction, trisomy 21, premature delivery, preeclampsia, and stillbirth.  (my risk for Down's came in at 1 : 4750 and neural was 1 : 7500, so they do not believe the low papp a is an indicator of Trisomy 21 in our case)

Now my OB did not go into extreme detail with us about all of this.  This is information I have been able to find regarding it.  His main concern with my numbers is the risk of high blood pressure (hypertension) and a small baby.  I think he was sugar coating so we wouldn't worry, but there really is no way we are not going to worry. 

I am being sent for a Doppler velocity ultrasound  (sp) which is to check the blood flow to the uterus, umbilical cord and to check the pressure in the womb.  To say we are scared is an understatement.   One little bit of information I have been able to find that has made me feel a little better is that these numbers can be skewed with twins, especially if there is a fetal demise with one twin.  Which we had.  And unfortunately it wasn't vanishing twin so B's sac was still present at the last u/s which can throw off the numbers. 

Sorry this might get downer from here on out...can it really get any worse...?

I just don't understand any of this.  I mean we've struggled for so long.  Then to finally find success and with twins.  Then the horrible day in ER with the SCH and being sent home told that they were both fine...4 days later B is passed away.  Now THIS!!! 

I don't want to lose my baby girl.  I don't want her to be sick or have to struggle.  I just wanted a normal pregnancy, with all the regular pregnancy stuff.  Not all these scares, bleeds, further tests, worry and anxiety.  Just give us a break already...

To my baby girl...  I love you more than myself already.  Please stay with me.  Please be a strong little fighter.  Your Daddy and I want you so bad, and love you so much!  Please, please, please God make this okay?!?!?!?!