November 23, 2010

Angry and Sad

Why can't this just work out?  Have we not paid our dues?  Have we not struggled enough?  Apparently not.  As you can tell I am angry about the loss of Bebe B.  And I'm terrified that Bebe A is following B's same path.  Here is what we found out last Thursday...

Apparently Bebe B's heart stopped at approximately 6wk5dys from what I could tell of the scan.  Bebe b was still there but with no heart beat.  The SCH is quite a bit larger than everyone thought and it is smack in between the 2 sacs.  It is almost as large as Bebe A's sac.  Bebe A was measuring 7wks 3 dys which is right on track.  My u/s tech tried to reassure us that Bebe A looks good, nice and strong.  I didn't get the heart rate which I now regret.  But I don't think it would have helped me feel any better anyways. 

But how am I supposed to stop DBT's when we've already lost one.  I've been on pretty strict bed rest since Thursday, as I am still spotting.  Nothing fresh but there is always a brown discharge.  This just sucks!  If this is going to end just let it end.  This agony of losing one at a time and the bleeding is horrible.  I almost wish this cycle had just been a failure instead of all of this crap.  Since losing Bebe b a lot of my pregnancy symptoms have disappeared.  Even the baby belly I was growing has decreased.  It's very hard not to think that more doom and gloom is coming on Thursday.

I know there are a lot of stories of people who make it through an entire pregnancy with a SCH and deliver a healthy happy Bebe, but remember this is JD and I we are talking about.  We have the worst luck.  And unfortunately as recent events have shown it appears that at no time in the future is this going to change.

I hope none of my blogger friends ever have to experience this. 

Much Love

ks

7 comments:

Brenda said...

KS, I am so sorry. I have no idea what you are going through, but I can empathize with all the pain and fear that you must be feeling. I wish I could fast forward 7 months so that you would at least know what happens. I don't have any a$$vice, but know that I am praying for you, JD and Bebe A. If s/he is anything like the two of you....you have a fighter on your hands :)

LisainSK said...

Uhmmm...can I borrow your post!! We're in the IDENTICAL boat...first u/s is this Friday. I have no advice as I don't listen to others anyway. I'm spotting too. Yeah there's women who spot through entire pg - but like you say I doubt that will be me. Vanished symptoms, struggling e2 and p4 levels, spotting...in my brain writing is on the wall. Hang on we're in for a rough ride. Sorry...I'm no comfort...just misery loves company as they say!

Michelle D said...

Just wanted to say that I am pulling for you and hope that little Bebe A becomes a bigger and stronger Bebe A. Take care and you're in my thoughts.

Jess said...

I cannot even imagine how scary all of this is for you. Thinking of you as your mourn the loss of Bebe B and praying for Bebe A to stay strong!!

toni said...

I have a friend who had a SCH and was carrying twins. She lost one of them and then continued to bleed throughout her ENTIRE pregnancy. She delivered a beautiful baby boy and he is turning 7 years old in Dec.
GL
Toni from High FSH board

Angelwingsbaby said...

I am not sure if you followed me back then but I too had a SCH a pretty large one. They (my OB) also believed it is what had caused the loss of a second (twin) baby that got missed on the first u/s (by my RE).I was terrified the whole time that I would lose my son but I didn't.There is hope but I certainly understand where you are coming from I know of a online SCH support group let me know and I will get the info to you. Also please know that I will be there for you as much as you need me to.My email is on my blog. I know that my blog says I have some stuff going on right now, but please do not let that keep you from reaching out to me if you need me.I know all to well the fear an SCH causes it is a minute to minute fear. You feel like you can't breath and that the only way things will be okay is when you have your baby safe in your arms.((hugs)) Megan

MAJ Bryen said...

I bled the first 12 weeks off and on with both fresh blood and brown spotting. Because of the military, a lot of Drs are the same rank and so my OB used this as a tea hung point by having some of the other providers tell me how they had bleeding and went on to healthy PGs. According to him, 65% of women bleed and still experience healthy pregnancies. I'm thinking of you and spurring baby A onto to health and great growth