Yes as of tomorrow at approximately noon, I will be Tubeless in Toronto. This SUCKS! In my head I know that this is the right thing to do to try to get pregnant...but...in my heart... I feel broken, hopeless, and a little bit angry. I've always had this tiny little piece of hope in my heart that when we were done ttc, I would one day pop up pregnant naturally. I hoped that one day my body would just decide to wake up and spit out a good egg or two. Miracles do happen every day, my support boards are full of them! Yesterday in fact one of the DE Moms came out of the closet that she is 7 weeks pregnant with a natural surprise! And while I'm so very happy for her, I'm so very crushed for us. That will NEVER be us. I am being spayed tomorrow. FUCK ME I'm sad....
I have tried so very hard to be positive and strong and I was doing okay. I guess maybe it's because it's tomorrow and I'm scared, now all the feelings are bubbling out. Why God answer me this...Why can Kar.la Hom.olka have a gentic child and I can't. She's a rapist and murderer, and her genes get to carry on! How fucking fair is this world! I'm sorry for the profanity I'm just so ticked. I have been patient, I have been a good person, I have done everything you are supposed to do. And still I'm left with empty arms and a broken heart!
Being as jaded as I am about God's involvment in this, and yet I still find myself praying?! Please let everything go smooth tomorrow. Please let this be the right thing to do. Please let me conitnue to have the strength and patience to continue trying. Please God please let this path lead me to a family. Please don't let this journey lead to a sad, lonely end.
Wishing all my fellow bloggers well! I'll post sometime after the surgery as long as I can pull myself out of my funk! Much love to all!