May 26, 2010

Going TubeLess!

Yes as of tomorrow at approximately noon, I will be Tubeless in Toronto.  This SUCKS!  In my head I know that this is the right thing to do to try to get pregnant...but...in my heart...  I feel broken, hopeless, and a little bit angry.  I've always had this tiny little piece of hope in my heart that when we were done ttc, I would one day pop up pregnant naturally.  I hoped that one day my body would just decide to wake up and spit out a good egg or two.  Miracles do happen every day, my support boards are full of them!  Yesterday in fact one of the DE Moms came out of the closet that she is 7 weeks pregnant with a natural surprise!  And while I'm so very happy for her, I'm so very crushed for us.  That will NEVER be us.  I am being spayed tomorrow.  FUCK ME I'm sad....

I have tried so very hard to be positive and strong and I was doing okay.  I guess maybe it's because it's tomorrow and I'm scared, now all the feelings are bubbling out.  Why God answer me this...Why can Kar.la Hom.olka have a gentic child and I can't.  She's a rapist and murderer, and her genes get to carry on!  How fucking fair is this world!  I'm sorry for the profanity I'm just so ticked.  I have been patient, I have been a good person, I have done everything you are supposed to do.  And still I'm left with empty arms and a broken heart!

Being as jaded as I am about God's involvment in this, and yet I still find myself praying?!  Please let everything go smooth tomorrow.  Please let this be the right thing to do.  Please let me conitnue to have the strength and patience to continue trying.  Please God please let this path lead me to a family.  Please don't let this journey lead to a sad, lonely end.

Wishing all my fellow bloggers well!  I'll post sometime after the surgery as long as I can pull myself out of my funk!  Much love to all!

ks

3 comments:

Michelle D said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling as such but completely understand why you would feel that way. I can't think of a thing that would make you feel better...know you are in my thoughts and I will be thinking of you tomorrow and wishing this be but a small roadblock in your journey :) Take care.

Eggs said...

I'm sorry you're so sad - what we're going through is not for the weak of heart. But you're putting one brave foot in front of the other and moving forward. I can't help but think that when we DO finally hold our babies for the first time, it will be all the more special.

The thing that bothers me the most about Carla, is that she has subjected an innocent child to a lifetime of harassment, judgment, guilt, shame... When they find out the truth of what a monster she was... I just don't know how a kid could process that. Think of the school yard...omg its heartbreaking.

But happy happy thoughts!! Sorry you brought it up!! :) I know tomorrow is going to go perfectly and recovery will be quick (I remember) and you'll be back to yourself before the weekend is here.

hugs
xo

Mad Hatter said...

Oh, honey - I wish you didn't have to go through this, but I hope it is going to lead you to your ultimate goal...I don't know if you follow Fran at Everyone Else But Me, but she lost her tubes to 2 ectopic pregnancies and is now pregnant...I don't know why any of us have the challenges we do or why we are on these painful journeys, but I am proud of you for being so brave and doing what you need to do to keep moving forward. I hope all goes very well with your surgery and your recovery.
Love,
Maddy