October 6, 2009

Yesterday I Laughed. Today I Cry.

It was funny yesterday. Maybe because I'm used to being the odd ball that no medications work for. Or maybe it's because for the last year I've been monitored every cycle with u/s and b/w. And every cycle my body has come up with some new way for me to be delayed or cancelled.

I've gone from confident RE's to confused RE's, from a good chance of concieving with my own eggs, to a less than 1% chance. I've gone from having an AF 2x a month to having none. ALL IN 1 YEAR!!!

Now I sit and wait for instructions regarding DE IVF #1 - part 3. Because my u/s yesterday wasn't what I expected. I have no idea if we will be cycling or delayed again. I am currently on day 37 of this cycle. My lining is 3.5 and I have 2 follicles. One in each ovary. Okay?! That's odd as I had my Lupron Depot shot 13 days ago.

Yesterday I laughed. I honestly laughed! As the irony of all of this is just too much. How is it possible that I have 2 very good looking follicles this month, after a year of watching and waiting, and after paying 25k for someone else eggs???

Today though...I'm crying.. I'm crying because I don't know what's going to happen now with this cycle. I'm crying because I'm tired of waiting. I'm crying because it's hard to think that this is going to lead to a pregnancy anymore. All I've had is failure after failure without even 1 fucking attempt being made. The last time we had a decent try made was when I didn't know about FSH, we didn't know I was POF! It was August 2008 on my 2nd month of clomid. I actually got a smiley face on an OPK. That was the last time I had any hope that I might have been pregnant.

I will pull myself out of this funk. I will slap on a smile, go about running our business, keep the house, tend to the dogs, but is what you see real?
Do I have faith?
Am I faking it?


Mad Hatter said...

I can see how you would be confused and not know whether to laugh or cry - both is good!
Okay, I don't know anything about Lupron, but can they monitor these follicles, give you an Ovidrel shot and let you do an IUI this month? Just a thought.

I don't want to add to your craziness, but re: the OPK - I don't know if this would apply to you when you used it because maybe you didn't have a high FSH then, but this past summer, when I told my doctor I tested positive on one, she said we can't know for sure because a high FSH makes it positive. (!!!)

Sending you lots of calming thoughts and best wishes for this cycle, however insemination happens!

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm so happy I came across your site. I'm only 28 years old and was also just diagnosed with having POF. The news only came a week ago, so the wound is still fresh. I don't know whether to cry, be angry, depressed ... or all of the above. How and why did this happen to me?? You're not alone, that's for sure.

MAJ Bryen said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, that sucks! I was wondering if they had made any decisions about your surgery. Do you have to get that done before DE 3? Thinking of you!