May 20, 2009


What a frustrating day! I don't know why people can't just do their jobs and do them right! it's not like I didn't train you!!! For crying out loud! I never leave the office scrambling, but every time I'm scheduled on and my staff gets the day off...It should be a quiet easy day! Nope! Why because they don't complete their work! Urrrgghhhh!!!!

And on top of everything else. I'm still waiting! And waiting... While I wait though I'm sitting here thinking should I start the search process again for an egg donor? How much more writing on the wall do I need. I mean really there are miracles with numbers like mine but they also don't have blocked tubes and immune issues! I know it was my choice to walk away from the donor in April... But I kept hoping that this month would be the month. And then bang the highest fsh of all 72! And no flow! What the FUCK!!! I have been as regular as can be, sure they have been getting lighter and lighter, but at least it happened every month. I don't know what to think. I'm totally at a cross roads. All I do know is that I'm really not the same happy person I was. I so wish I could be, but I just can't seem to find any joy in life right now. I just want this cycle to start. I just want to start moving forward.

Seriously our lives have been so limited because of the always waiting to cycle crap! We work every other weekend, and usually on our weekends off we tend to travel to see my family. We are kind of all spread out across Ontario. Well sufficed to say we have been nowhere in over 6 months. I haven't been to my parents in 8 months, my brother in Ottawa in over 1 year, and I haven't even been inside my other brother's new house yet and he's been in for 6 months! It's crazy! Of course my sister in law Jodi asked if we would like to come to Ottawa this weekend as there is a rally going on we had wanted to attend. But of course no, sorry I'm waiting for my cycle to start, as I might be starting stim drugs, I don't know.... FUDGE!!!! I never know! I just don't understand why one thing can't go right or be easy! I really feel like I'm being punished! I know God doesn't work that way... But it's hard not to feel like I've lost my chance. And I do admittedly have feelings of guilt. Guilt that if JD had married someone else he would already have a family and not be stuck with me and all the emotional baggage that comes with this god awful infertility! I know I'm rambling... I'm sorry I just needed to get out of my head.

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