Survivor's Guilt?!

Infertility is such an evil BITCH!!!  

I didn't participate in NIAW as I am Canadian and ours is in May.  But I did want to do a post on how my infertility is still affecting me.  

Ours was a long and unexpected battle.  As is most of yours.  We are one of the lucky ones though, we found success on our 3rd DE transfer with our 2 donor and our 2nd clinic.  And now blessed be we are expecting another little peanut with our last frozen embryo.  

I'm still and always will be infertile.  I have no tubes.  And I am POF.  But now I am an infertile mother.  It's a tricky place to be.  While I'm over joyed to be a mother.  There is still a bitter infertile inside of me.  And even worse, one emotion I wasn't expecting...I have guilt.  I made it to the other side.  And I know so many others who have not.  And I know how reading my blog can hurt you, or seeing my belly makes you cry inside.  I've been there...And I'm sorry.

My neighbor is also an Infertile.  One who found success and has 1 little boy.  They tried to get a cycle going for a second child for 3 months and her body just would not co-operate.  (she is annovulatory, so it's meds with timed intercourse or IUI)  Unfortunately the stress of cycling was just getting to be too much for her with all the monitoring appointments and disappointments, that she has decided to take a step back from trying.  We see them a lot as our babies are 6 months apart and love each other, and every time I see her she just stands there or sits with me and holds my belly.   And I let her.  Because I know she is remembering the feeling.  I know it makes her sad I can see it in her eyes.  And I wish I could say the right thing to make it not hurt.  But I know it doesn't matter what I say it's going to always hurt.  Just like I will always hurt from my diagnosis.  

I have recently hired a new employee.  She too is an infertile.  Her and her husband have decided to live child free.  I don't know what her diagnosis is.  But I have a feeling it's more of a situation where they just can't afford the treatments necessary to try.  I'm not even 100% sure she's ever had an official diagnosis.  I feel terrible when I walk  waddle my way into the office.  I feel like I'm rubbing her nose in my belly.  What's even worse is that my job is physically demanding to someone in my condition and I ache and swell a lot when I'm here.  So I have to catch myself from bitching or moaning too much about being uncomfortable.  She is aware of the fact that we had extensive treatments to be able to have children.  So she does know I am not a fertile turtle.  I don't know why that makes a difference but it does...  She seems to be okay with it though.  I don't see the sadness in her eyes, like I do my other friend.  But I'm still cautious of her feelings.

I guess all this rambling is to explain that infertility does not leave you once you have that baby.  There are new emotions that join in.  And because you've walked that path you try to find that balance.  You want to be empathetic, and thoughtful of other IF'ers still in the trenches.  But you want to surrender to the bliss you have found.  And it's okay too.  Just don't be surprised when some of the other feelings start to creep back in.  They won't be as intense but they will still be there.  

I think of it as though my infertility cracked a little piece of my heart.  And I don't think it will ever heal.  I will always have a small fracture from that day where I thought my dreams died.  But how wrong was I?  That day was the day that made me into the woman I am now.  I am strong, I am intelligent, and I am truly an empathetic personality.  And I found that I have the drive to keep fighting when everyone else says give up.

Keep fighting!  Keep researching.  Keep asking questions.  I keep you all in my thoughts and prayers!

Much Love!

ks

Work Frustrations and Life Venting

Argh!  I'm so frustrated right now!  JD has been working for over 5 weeks straight with no day off.  The only option for a day off is for me to work for him and he hasn't let me do that yet.  I've tried every week but he always says no.  We have been training a new employee for the last 4 weeks and his first solo day on counter was supposed to be Sunday.  JD was still going to work (in our other store) but new guy was going to be on counter all on his own.  But no...  Monday comes and new guy doesn't show.  He calls JD and says he blew out his shoulder the night before and is in ER.  They are resetting his shoulder and he'll call us later.  Well the last we heard from new guy was on Tuesday.  He hasn't called or showed up.  He was going to come in on Tuesday but apparently his Mom wouldn't let him drive...  I mean c'mon really?  You're 25 fucking years old!!!!  And it's not like there is not a ton of administrative stuff he can do here to prep him for Sunday.  He doesn't only do physical work when he's here.  So with this lack of contact we are thinking he no longer wants to work here and is too chicken to tell us.  We've had that happen before...!

Really bothers me.  At least have enough respect for us to tell us this job is not suited for you.  It's not as though we are slave drivers by any means.  And we've prepped and prepped this guy for counter.  We offered him more hours if he wanted them.  We are exceptionally flexible for our staff trying to make this as pleasant of a work environment as possible.  I don't understand why we always get the shaft.  JD says even if he calls today he's letting him go.  I however do not love this idea.  I understand it.  But I do not want to start over again.  And I'm tired of being alone.  Alone in the office with no support or help.  Alone at home with no support or help.  I've had 2 breakdowns in the last 5 weeks.  I can't do this for another 6-8 weeks.  It always takes 2 weeks to find a new employee and then training time....Oye Vay!

I had a breakdown yesterday.  It was my day off.  As I had been throwing up the night before, and Lola hasn't been eating since Saturday.  So I was keeping her home with me and her and I were going to run errands and go to my ob appointment.  Well I was trying to get out the door with her, her diaper bag, my purse, a coffee, and a warm bottle.  She started to throw a fit and I just crumpled to the floor and cried with her.  It's so childish I know.  But I'm so tired of living my life like I'm a single parent.  And I'm so tired of being stressed all the time about money, food, work, and everyone's health.  I'm trying very hard to do the best I can, but I feel like I'm failing in every aspect of my life.  

I cook 3 meals a day (all for Lola), JD and I are living on take out, yogurt and oatmeal...  I barely get any real form of exercise and neither does JD.  My house is constantly dusty with dirty floors, and I can't have the cleaning lady every other week as we can't afford it.  I'm trying really hard to get ready for this baby, but I can barely get through a regular day and adding the mountain of work that needs to be done in the basement to start her room is really daunting...  My old dog is having a neck flare again and just looking at her knowing she's in pain because we couldn't afford the surgery kills me.  I'm just stuck...And I have no family support where I am, so I'm alone.  I can't expect a lot from JD as he's working ridiculous hours and there just isn't enough time in a day.  Something has to give and it has to be soon.

I know the world doesn't owe us anything.  And I am super happy with my family.  I just wish this whole work thing could be figured out.  I wish they would hire JD for that job out West.  Or that we could at least find a normal person to hire who actually wants to work so we can at least have one day off a week together.  Is that too much to ask for?  Am I being greedy by asking for this after being given the greatest blessing of all...?  That's the crutch really.  I feel terrible for bitching and moaning because "hey we kicked infertility's ass"!  But does that make me less of an average person?  One that can't get overwhelmed by life's struggles?  One that can't get frustrated with a toddler who is so independent and stubborn it's impossible to get her to do anything she is not ready for?  Argh!!!

JD and I have had non stop struggle the entire time we've been married.  Never in our relationship though.  If anything it has always brought us closer.  But I'm tired of always having to look for my inner strength.  We need a break...  We need things to start going our way soon.  

Okay pity party over.  I'm off to watch another episode of Bre.aking Ba.d!

Much Love!

ks

Musings of an Infertile...

From the second my alarm clock went off this morning at 4:50 a.m. I've been reflecting on what IF has given me and taken away from us.  I don't know if it's because I am being overdosed on estrogen, or from the complications between JD and I, or that today is Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Day but today I have been stepping back and really thinking about all that has gone on and where my emotions play into this.

Bear with me here...this may be a little all over the place...

Am I hyper sensitive when it comes to my daughter?

Maybe I am...  But to be honest with you I don't think so.  I'm not a rigid schedule keeper.  I'm not one who runs to her every time she falls.  My child is spoiled with love but not coddled to death.  But she is MY daughter.  And I do know what is best for her.  Regardless of what my MIL may say or think I know my LolaBean and I know what needs to be done when we are gone to keep her functioning at her usually sunny content attitude.  Listen people it's not a miracle that my baby is such a happy baby...It's because we make sure she is a happy baby...By sticking to her routine...giving her foods she likes to eat...keeping her in her environment...making sure she naps...generally letting Lola be Lola and carefree in her own known safe environment.

Do I Expect Special Treatment Because we are Cycling?

No...Not really... I don't think I'm in the wrong to expect those closest to us to understand that what we are going through is extremely stressful and that I am currently on a butt load of meds.  I would expect family to not put unnecessary stress and strain on us at this time.  But I do not expect work to stop being well work and Lola from being Lola etc...

Do I Always Expect Pregnancy Announcements to Go Bad...?

Yes...And this one makes me very sad.  But yes, because of infertility and all that I have witnessed I do tend to suck in my breath when someone makes a pregnancy announcement.  And I watch from afar waiting for that BOOM to drop.  It's terrible...  I don't wish any ill will on anyone.  But it has driven me insane watching 3 people announce their pregnancies at barely 6 weeks pregnant!

Am I Jealous of Fertiles?

Yes..yes..yes...  Sad but true.  The 3 announcements on FB I spoke about are all close to delivering now.  And dang it it just kills me that they all had it so easy.  Not that I want them to have it hard like the rest of us IF'ers but I just wish that it could be easier.  I wish that I didn't know that today was infant and pregnancy loss day.  I wish that we could all have happy accidents happen.  But we can't and that still makes me cry on my way into work in the mornings.  (one of the announcements actually joked at 6 weeks pregnant that his girlfriend had to be having twins as she was already so bloated...and yup...twins...boy/girl!  No fertility treatments, a total accident!)

Am I a Colder Person Because of Infertility?

Maybe a little when it comes to some things.  I don't know if it's actually that I am colder or stronger...?  With all the fighting and no talking over the weekend I didn't cry once.  With the thought that hope could die for us on next Tuesday...I still haven't cried.  I did cry this morning thinking of Baby B and how much I would have loved LolaBean to have had a twin sibling to be with all the time!  But the things that used to make me cry...I find I turn inwards instead and hold a lot back.  Maybe it's more self preservation that anything.  If I allow those flood gates to open again...I don't know if I'll be able to control it again.

Do I Feel Defeated?

Yes I do!  And I hate that I feel this way.  We've been through so much.  And I just feel beat down.  I mean 2 full donor cycles.  18 embryos and 1 successful pregnancy (coupled with the loss of her twin) an now 1 tiny little piece of hope hanging on.  I mean really...Look at our stats.  Do you really think this FET has any chance?  And in the last two years our financial situation has changed so drastically that this just might be the last go at the bucket, so to speak.  I feel negative, I feel angry, I feel stressed, I feel defeated.   

Infertility has won.  It has taken my dreams away from me...It has taken my financial security away from me. It has robbed me of my joy for others.  It has brought out traits in myself that I do not like.  I always thought of JD and I as survivors.  Even before IF.  Our mantra has always been "We'll be okay, we always bounce!"  I don't know that I can bounce anymore.  I don't know if I can go back to who I was.  I do know that I will keep on being the best mother I can be for LolaBean.  But the rest of my heart, feels like it might always be a little heavier...

Much Love!

ks

I will be lighting candles tonight for all of our lost babies.  I will hug and kiss my little girl with everything that I have.  I will also kiss my husband.  And I will make sure they all know how very much they both mean to me.  I'm sorry for the heavy post(s) this week, but here it is...I'm laying myself and all my IF emotions out there.

On Infertile Ground

Going through my usual blog rolls on the weekend.  I came across a blog post about this documentary.  It's called On Infertile Ground.  Please feel free to check it out here...On Infertile Ground

I really liked the clip I was able to view.  I liked it so much that I *liked* it on FB even.  After all these years of infertility I still find myself shy at times to post or really speak out.  

It's such a personal issue.

That and I don't want people thinking I'm looking for pity or attention.  Or maybe it's more so that it truly is such a personal journey, and some people might not understand.  

I blog yes.  But it's still a little anonymous.  There is really a small circle of people I confide in about my feelings regarding infertility.  I would love to contribute to discussions and projects about infertility, but I just don't know if I'm strong enough yet.  

I hate crying in front of people.  And I still cry.  Alone though.  

I don't know if there will be a time in the future when I won't cry about our infertility.  I really do think there is some credit to those that believe that this type of infertility can lead to PTSD.  I don't doubt it.  I'm 100% certain that I am forever scarred from that day in the RE's office.

My family building didn't go as I had planned.  We don't have as much money as we once did.  And we are older than we intended to be.  But...I was able to have a baby...I can always make more money...(who needs to retire anyway!)...and so what if my knees crack!  I'm happier today than I have even been.  And I've made some amazing discoveries about myself and my husband along the way.

Any who...Check out the documentary...support it if you can...

Much Love!

ks

P.S.

I had to write this post over 3 times.  My stupid computer keeps shutting down and not saving.  This is probably the worst draft of this post, but now I'm in a hurry!  LOL!  Of course!  More to come on FET prep!

P.P.S.

Do NOT watch "What to Expect When You are Expecting"  if you are not in the mood for Infertility stuff.  I wasn't prepared for it...Whoops!  Total buzz kill on a Saturday night!

Frustrated!

Sometimes doing the right thing...can just wear you the F out!

I've been taking care of my mom for 2 weeks out of the last 3.  During this time, I've also been taking care of Lola (of course), dealing with her and I being sick, and pretty much doing it on my own.  I've been every one's chef, laundress, gardener, maid, book keeper, physio therapist, and butler...and dang it I'm worn out!  

I love my Mom dearly and would do anything for her.  What makes me mad through all of this though is that neither one of my brothers can even pick up a damn phone and see how she is doing when she is with me.  Or to even check on me and my sanity for crying out loud!  

During all of this Lola has started walking.  And she is into everything now.  My mom can't pick her up, so I'm constantly chasing her around as I'm doing all the necessary things that need to be done.  So lately my health and well being has taken a back seat.  I haven't been to the gym in over a week, I haven't run in over 3 weeks (physio), my bike is gathering dust, and the weather is quickly changing on me.  

I did manage to make a couple of important phone calls about our upcoming cycle and I will get into that in another post.  What I'm frustrated about though is just life in general...  Well being a boss..  Running our own business...  Never having family time...  Always feeling like a single parent...  Being alone even on the weekends and holidays...  Fighting with my hubby to try to make plans to see my family..  Being stressed about the lack of money coming into the business...  Y'know EVERYTHING!!!

We are having some staff issues at the moment that I really don't want to get into.  But it is causing some strain.  And I've gotten to my breaking point with this business that we are in.  I've tried to talk to JD about it for over 3 years now, and he's done nothing about it...  Now it's built up to the point of resentment.  So I'm struggling with my feelings on a daily basis.  But I keep doing the RIGHT thing...  I keep coming in, doing my work, his work, I go home, wash dishes, prep meals, clean floors, poo pick, cut the grass, wash the clothes, and hopefully go to the gym.  Because why?  It's the RIGHT thing to do!!!

You ever have one of those weeks?  Where just everything gets to be a bit too much.  And throw dealing with this IF crap into the mix again, and you've got where I'm at.  I'm going out this weekend though for a Ladies Night.  That should be good.  I hope...  

Stay Tuned...Another post has been written about our upcoming cycle...I'll blast you with that on Thursday!

Much Love!

ks

Rant! (TV rant) - UPDATE

I am so irritated!  One of my favorite shows is losing me this season.  Private Practice.  I'm so ticked off.  I thought when they introduced the fact that Addison had high FSH, coupled with the fact that Naomi is an RE, it might have opened the door to discussion of DE or Donor Embryo.  But NOOOOO!  Instead they've done a really horrible episode where they were going to harvest a sick newborns eggs for her mother to use, and now apparently Addison is miraculously pregnant with Sam's baby.  Seriously?!?! 

Please give more of the masses a false sense of what being infertile means.  It doesn't mean drink lots of wine, have tons of tawdry affairs and what do you know you will end up pregnant.  That is so not how it happens.  Even the miracle pregnancies that I know of that have happened lately have happened to women who were doing, acupuncture, eating healthy, taking vitamins, recently been on fertility drugs of sort (estrogen, progesterone, even stims the month prior), or had recently had baby(s), thus maybe resetting their bodies.  Anyway, it just ticks me off because this show had/has a great opportunity to really bring DE and Donor Embryo, heck infertility, into the fold and educate it's viewers, and instead it's continuing with it's Soap Opera dramatics.

Okay enough about this...  Sorry I've been MIA for the last week, I've really been a boring blogger.  I'm planning on doing my 26 week survey and picture on Sunday so stay tuned!

Much Love!

ks

UPDATE!
At the end of the show they revealed that no Addison is not pregnant.  However this show is still ticking me off and I think I'm going to have to end my love affair with it as I did Desperate Housewives.  But at least they didn't play into the 'relax, forget about it, and it will happen' theory that fertiles love to push!

Blog Roll Reading....

If you are anything like me every now and again you pop over to Stirrup Queen's Blog roll and have a read through whichever section applies to your situation.  Well let me be the first to warn any of you still trying!  Most of the blogs in the Donor section are either, pregnant or parenting now.  There are very few of us who are still trying.  Which is good, but, it also makes me sad.  I've followed so many others journey's from the day of transfer to parenting now, it's incredible.  It's just hard sometimes when you feel like your the only one who is never going to find success!

I know I should be happy that we are finally getting the go ahead to move forward, but y'know JD and I there always has to be hiccups!  And I hit it today!  I can't get my prescription filled here in Canada written by an American Dr.  Of course I can't!!!  (sarcastic)  I've written an e-mail to my clinic here locally trying to get my RE here to rewrite the script for me, but I don't know if she is willing to do this or not.  I can't really blame her as my 2 Re's kind of disagree on how to treat me.  But man, please just take pity on JD and I please!!!???  We really don't want to have to spend x amount more money to have the meds shipped from the States, and if we have to go this route we will also be delayed in doing the mock cycle.  Peas and Carrots!!!   Why can nothing, absolutely nothing go smoothly for us!

Okay enough of that.  It'll either work out or it won't and we'll just keep waiting...

I went to the gym again last night for my usual Wednesday ass kicker night.  I bailed half way through.  I couldn't do it.  I'm not 100% yet.  Not even close.  I like to think I am.  But I'm not.  Anytime I bend I get an awful stitch in my sides.  When I sleep I tend to roll onto my belly and Oh My that smarts!  So I think I still need to take it easy.  I ended up leaving before Spin Class last night, so tonight I'm going to try Spin again.  I'm not going to do any other workouts, other than maybe swimming.  I honestly think it should be better by now.  But JD likes to remind me..."Hon...they did cut through your abdomen, it's going to take awhile for the muscles to regroup."  God love him!  He picks me up when I'm down and reminds me not to be so hard on myself!  We'll see if he lets me go tonight!

Much Love!

ks

Daily Life and Such...

This last week was National Infertility Awareness Week in the U.S.A..  I didn't really participate in it too much as ours here in Canada is right around the corner.  I didn't post anything on F.B. and I really haven't been blogging a whole lot lately.  I've been reading, but not commenting or posting...  Bad blogger! 

I would like to take a moment though and tell you to head on over to Hannah Wept and Sarah Laughed and check out her video she made "What IF".  It took a lot of courage for her to make this video and come out of the 'closet' so to speak.  Bravo Keiko!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So what have I been up to that has made me a bad blogger...?  A lot actually.  I have worked out every night last week, Spin Class 4 times, Bars and Plates 2x, and the eliptical in between.  I dragged JD to Bars & Plates and man was he sore!  Teehee!!  Our favourite instructor for Spin is on Thursday's and Sunday's, JD can only make it every other week, I usually don't go without him, well I went this week by myself.  It was the best I've ever done!  I did 20.5 km's in 45 minutes, burned over 400 calories!  YOWZA!!!  I was very proud of myself.

It takes a lot of prep work  for us to be able to maintain this schedule.  Our work hours are from 7:30 am - 6:00 pm, and we work an hour away from our house and gym.  So you see, our days are long...  I usually try to prepare our meals in advance.  Lastnight I made beef stew, mexican chicken stew, 2 salads with bar-b-que chicken, and a veggie tray.  That should last us for lunches and dinners thru the week.  Did I forget to mention I prepped all of this after I worked yesterday!  Phew!!!  I am one tired chickitta today!  But I feel accomplished and that's a feeling I haven't had in a long time!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my RE, to discuss HRT.  I think I'm going to ask to be switched to bcp's.  That was it is easier to synch me up with a donor, should I ever get to cycle again!  Apparently I need to redo all of my infectious disease testing yet again.  It all expires on May 25, 2010...  Ahhh the testing that never stops. 

Sorry this post was written May 3, 2010...  I will do a second post with an update from the RE...

No Instructions! Yet..?

I still haven't received any results from the biopsy or any further instructions for a next cycle. I don't think we'll be going this month, but what do I know! I e-mailed the coordinator from my clinic here and the donor co to let them know that it's D day. Time to make a decision for this month... Possible u/s tomorrow..?

Today is a good day at work. I have Maddie here with me today! She's recovering well from her dental surgery. She has only 5 teeth left now and they are all on the one side of her mouth. She looks really cute. She's got a crooked smile now, and she like to stick her tongue out the one side! LOL! All in all they removed 24 teeth! YIKES!!! We knew this going in. She's had horrible teeth problems all along. It's common with the 'toy' breed! We are now scheduling in the other 2 to have theirs cleaned and some extracted. We've decided that Tonka and Lexxie should go on the same day since they are Ick and Bick! This way too they won't drive each other nuts during recovery. But we will be officially broke! I think I should have been a doggy dentist!

Well...It's not just us...

Well everyone was wrong! My brother and his girlfriend are not expecting. They were actually just going through the testing to make sure everything was fine. But no things are not fine. My brother's SA did not come back good. 25% motility, 25% mobility! We think this is from his blood pressure medication. He's been on like the max dose for 25 years, as his blood pressure is really bad. It's from kidney damage when he was 14. We almost lost him. And of course the medication he is on warns that it can cause sterility, but none of the other meds controlled his pressure.

JD and I went to see them Friday night. And he is hurting!

It was good though that JD was there. He's really good with my brother, and we've been through this as well. At the beginning they thought it was JD that was causing us trouble. His count was low, low normal, but low. So we changed his diet, stopped smoking, limited alcohol, cut out caffeine, started taking folic acid, and moved into boxer shorts. (He hates them!) LOL!!! And low behold his numbers were way better when we did our IUI.

I just can't believe though that 2 out of 3 of us is infertile. It's shocking and sad. I love my brother to bits and he would make the most fantastic father. I really hope that he doesn't give up.