Lucy's Birth Story - Part 1

So as you all know I was scheduled for an induction.  Just to remind you, we were doing this because of all the problems I had with LolaBean's pregnancy and the fact that I still had borderline PAPP-A levels in this pregnancy as well.  So at 38 weeks my Dr decided it was pretty safe to induce labor.  And let me tell you, I was ready as well.  I was getting so uncomfortable.  It was really tough to breath, bending over was impossible, I was just generally at that stage where you are grumpy all the time...  And of course the week after I delivered we had a huge heat wave that is still raging!  So anyway onto the birth story...

We were supposed to be at the hospital at 8 am.  Well being we had a toddler to get ready and drop off and a pregnant nervous grumpy momma we were a little late...like 9am.  Lol!  We registered and got ourselves situated in the room.  The nurse came in and checked me (still 2 cm ) and got my IV going.  We discussed the epidural.  I was advised that the anesthesiologist was going to be very busy that day and that if I wanted an epidural I had better get it sooner rather than later.  I said yes please we can start it whenever the Dr is ready.  As I said previously I am not adverse to pain management.  I've felt what labor is like and I tend to have back labor so I would definitely be wanting the epidural.  Also I still worry about emergency c-sections so I'd rather already be drugged just in case so I don't have to be knocked out.  She said okay no problem.  She advised me my Dr would be in to see me shortly.  

Dr. S came in at around 1030 and we chatted for a bit.  He checked me as well.  Advised me I was having contractions but they were irregular and not very strong.  (I knew that)  He had to rush off to check on another patient but told me next time he would be back to break my water.  He returned at about 11 am.  As he was prepping to break my water I sort of prayed out loud..."God let it be clear!"  He paused and looked at me quizzically?  He said how do you know about that?  I said "Oh Dr S I know way too much information...I really don't want her to have already pooped!"  He assured me everything would be fine she was coming early enough...  He said okay it's probably not going to be a lot of fluid, you are not that big...  Lol!  And pop my waters were broke....And they were NOT clear.  Lucy had already pooped inside.  Dr.S and Amy our great nurse sat there and monitored the waters...It was about 10 minutes of leaking gushing fluid....Amy looked up and said that doesn't look like a little to me....She's in a pool!  I laughed I said no it didn't feel like a little amount of fluid to me...  

And just like last time once my water was broken the contractions started and kicked up in intensity.  My mom got there at about 12 and was on fire.  She walked in the room and said "Okay let's get this show on the road!"  Like I had any control over how fast this labor was going to be.  Actually her and JD were pretty annoying during my labor and regularly I would've been snippy with them, but I was so focused on breathing through and just getting through the pain to the next contraction that I tuned them out and laughed when I could.  

At 1:00 the anesthesiologist came in and administered my epidural.  At this time they were also hanging the bag of pitocin.  We had a little bit of trouble with my epidural....But I'll have to get into that in part 2 as this is getting long and I have to get the girls ready for the their photo shoot this morning. 

More to come tomorrow!

Much Love!
ks

PUPO!

Just a quick post to let you all know that Frostie made it!  Our little snowbaby is on board and hopefully nuzzling in for the long haul!  More to come at a later date!  I'm off to eat a Kris.py Kreme and watch some NewGirl!

Much Love!

ks

Starting FET #2

As I said in my previous post.  I've made a few phone calls about the upcoming FET.  I did conclude all my necessary testing, there was just one thing, well 2 things left undone.  #1.  I needed to get back onto HRT to regulate my cycles.  Upon review my cycles have been slowly speeding up.  I think I'm averaging around every 17 days now.  With some spotting in between.  So that is just awesome!  And #2...  I intended to get an endometrial biopsy done the month prior to the transfer.  There is some research out there that believes that having fresh healing in the uterus helps encourage the embryo to attach to the fresh scar tissue...(I don't know but I thought it wouldn't hurt.)

Any way...You would think me being an old veteran at cycling there wouldn't be too much back and forth between myself and the RE's.  That unfortunately is not the case.  And Why is that?  Well that is because I'm not dealing directly with the RE's, I'm dealing with the Nurses.  I have 2 Nurses.  One at SG who I will call Nurse Vet, and one here locally who will hereby be known as Nurse DumbAss.  

2 Months ago I had a fantastic appointment with my local RE.  She gave me all the prescriptions that I would need to get through my HSG and the start of my FET.  Well me being me...Lost the ones for the start of the FET.  So I lost the prescription for my HRT, dexamethasone, and prednisone.  And I knew that Local RE wanted to do the biopsy the month prior, so I figured I would just wait and call on my Day 1 advise them of my Day 1, book my biopsy and get my prescriptions called in.  Easy Peazy Japanezy!!!  Uhhhh NO!

I had to talk to Nurse DumbAss 3x that first day to get her to understand that no I was not coming in for an FSH E2 check or an u/s.  All I needed was a biopsy scheduled, and no not at the fancy downtown Toronto clinic, here locally in your little IUI room, you can freakin do it DumbAss we aren't sending it off for testing.  3 freaking phone calls and we hadn't eve talked about the meds.  Then the next day she gets back to me on the meds...and booking the biopsy...

Here's the conversation...

Nurse DumbAss   

"Oh you're right we can do it here locally, you have never used Cre.Ate right?  You went to SG!"  

Me       

Yes that's correct Nurse DA...You finally have the right file in front of you.  

Nurse DumbAss

Oh Okay well I'll call RE and see when she's available...

Me 

Uh Okay..?  And the HRT...?

Nurse DumbAss

Oh yah!  I guess I should ask her about that too!

Me

Poking my Eyes out!!!

Keep in mind this is Day 2!  So as I'm rolling into Day 3...And I'm still taking care of my mom, Lola is still sick, I'm still sick, I'm pretty much every one's bitch....  She calls again...

Nurse DumbAss

Well it looks like RE won't book the biopsy until she's heard from SG that you are a go ahead for an FET in October.

Me

They haven't contacted you?  You haven't forwarded all my infectious disease testing?  Um okay I guess I'll call Nurse Vet and have her call you and pop you an email.

Nurse DumbAss

And we won't be writing you any prescriptions for the FET.  All of your prescriptions have to come from SG.

(At this point I lose it!)

Me

So wait...You aren't going to call in my prescription for HRT?

Nurse DumbAss

No...any medications pertaining to your FET have to come from your USA RE...

Me

Hold on a tick...HRT has nothing to do with FET prep.  I'm in ovarian failure and have been since 29, I need to be on HRT for my own health.  If not I get a period every 14-17 days!  And the second issue is that USA RE can write as many prescriptions as he wants for me, and none of them are getting filled here in Canada!  USA Dr's can not legally prescribe medications to be dispensed here in Canada...Why?  Because they are not legally recognized as Dr's by our government!  

Nurse DumbAss

Oh you're in ovarian failure?!  But. but. but...    

(Really?!?!?  I wish I was kidding!)

By Day 4 the lovely receptionist called me back and let me know I could pick up my prescription anytime after 3 o'clock.  And that I had to start it right away.  Shocker!  Since I wasted 3 days talking to the dumbest nurse imaginable!  

So things are rolling.  Not as I would have liked them too, but they are moving forward none the less.  I will be skipping the biopsy at this point.  I'm just sending my prayers up for lightening to strike twice.  And for things to start moving a little bit more smoothly!

More to come I'm sure!

Much Love!

ks

11 Weeks Old!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And every day you fascinate me more and more.  I fall deeper in love every time I look at you.  You now smile at us when we do goofy things.  You hold your head up on your own.  You giggle mostly in your sleep, but we are working on getting those giggles directed to us!  You love the 3 musketeers!  Instead of playing with your toys you watch them during mat time!  LOL!  You LOVE Baby Mozart!  You are finally wearing 0-3 months clothes!  Oh my sweet LolaBean you are the light of my life!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So now onto what had been going on in my world...  I started dom.per.idone and it seems to be really working.  Lola is now only getting 1-2 bottles of formula a day.  Mind you I am not pumping at all.  There really isn't any time to pump!  But she is definitely getting tons of breast milk.  So much so she likes to get a mouthful and then spit it back onto my (.)(.)!  Nice! 

At her 2 month appointment she weighed 9'10, so she is definitely over 10 lbs now.  She has outgrown all newborn things and most 0-3 month diaper shirts.  She doesn't quite fit into the Car.ter's 3 month sleepers or pants yet but she is getting there!  So for now the sleep sacks (night dress) are working, even though she hates getting them put on!

We noticed at about 6 weeks that Lola was only looking right on her play mat.  So I moved all the toys to the left, and she still wouldn't look left.  I brought this up at the Dr's and he checked her out.  Yes it appears she has slight torticollus (stiff neck), so we have been waiting for 3 weeks for the ped physio to call us and get us in.  Well on Monday I called a pediatric Osteopath, she got us in for yesterday.  So we had our first hour appointment yesterday.  Little Miss handled it quite well.  There is definitely a shortening in the muscles on the one side of the neck, it's not severe, but it is really good that we are getting this addressed right away.  This is the stage where the shape of your babies head is set, and one side is already a smidgen larger than the other from the skin being pulled by the tightened muscles.  There is also a nerve that runs the same path as the muscles but it runs into your digestive system.  This is probably being compressed at times causing the digestive issues that we are having.  Cause man can my baby girl honk the horn!  Her other nick name in the house is Tootsie!  LOL!  Anyway I'm really glad that we are finally getting this all looked at and taken care of.  I don't want my bean to be in any pain.

I've also been back to the gym.  :0  4 times this week.  I've done a bars & plates class, spin, boot camp and yoga.  So I am back and with a vengeance!  I have to get my body back in shape for attempt #2.  I do not want to possibly go into a 2nd pregnancy still carrying all this extra weight.  WE haven't fully decided when we are going to cycle again.  We've discussed February, but I think it will be more likely next October.  I'd really like to do this triathlon next Sept in Wasaga.  So we'll see!

Anyway I better run, LolaBean is starting to nap, so I need to as well!  LOL!

Much Love!

ks



Non Stress Test...Almost Admitted...

Sorry for my silence of late, but things have happening here.  I had my first NST test on Tuesday.  I was a little nervous about it as I didn't really know what to expect.  And I was a little ticked off as my appointment was for 10 and I didn't get hooked up until 11:15.  For the hour and 15 minutes I waited, I sat in a stupid hospital chair with my feet swelling.  (My feet have been swelling a lot lately)  Anyway, Little Miss did fine with the non stress test, but then they take my blood pressure.  And that is not good.  So they retest 5 minutes later and it's worse.  They wait another 15 minutes and it's even worse.  139/96.  The only reason I was released is I had a Dr's appointment the next day. 

They also ran some bloodwork and told me if it was wonky I had to promise to come back.  I was ordered home to the couch to do nothing.  JD and I tested again at 7 that night and my pressure was 146/99, but by 10 that night it was back down to 129/85, and the next morning it was at my normal pregnancy level.  Blood work was fine.  But feet are still swollen and seem to never really go down.  

I have no idea why my pressure spiked.  I really wasn't feeling stressed out or anything.  I don't know.  Maybe I was anxious, but not that anxious..!?  Suffice it to say I will not be working much longer, maybe Friday that is it!  I have a ton of appointments now.  Ultra sound growth scan today, Dr's again on Tuesday, and then another non stress test after that.  My shower is this weekend.  My parents are coming today, my SIL and niece on Saturday, so I'm busy enough that adding work into the mess will just make me really stressed.

Too say I'm okay would kind of be a lie.  I'm a little worried about Little Miss.  She hasn't been as active as I would like since all the drama.  They checked her heartbeat yesterday and all the books say that movement decreases at this stage as they run out of room, but I'm still super worried.  Low Papp-A has instances in stillborn.  And that is scaring the crap out of me.  Plus the fact that JD and I have had nothing my terrible luck all the way through out this trying to concieve journey, that I really have a hard time believing we will have our happy ending.  Only time will tell...

C'mon Little Miss stay put for 5 more weeks.  And please God, please bring her to us healthy!

Much Love!

ks

Fellow Blogger...AngelWingsBaby!

I don't know why but I can rarely get into your blog.  It is only showing me your title.  I saw your post from today on my IPhone but I hate typing on that thing so i planned to send you a message but I can't get into it?!? 

Regarding doing an FET (embryo transfer) with only estrace.  That is the only way I have done all of my transfers.  Since I have ovarian failure, I do not produce any follies (just cysts) and I need the estrace to attempt to build a lining.  My Dr's do suppress me though just in case my body decides to try to ovulate.  Then I take estrace (vaginally) up to 4 mg three times daily until I have a good lining, then start the progesterone 5 days prior to transfer.   And whammo!  Pregnant until proven otherwise!  :)

I sincerely hope that your clinic is able to pull up their socks and get your transfer finished off with some great success.   I hope you see this post and I hope it helps you feel more at ease.  Wishing you all the very best!

Much Love!

ks

Pass and Fail..and Thank you!

First of all I just want to say Thank you.  Your comments really did help me feel better.  I think a lot of the low days can be attributed to hormones, and the reality that our IF journey was one hell of a roller coaster. 

Which is to be expected when it comes to us.  LOL!  I passed my GD test!  Yahh!  And I passed most of my other blood work, except, my Papp - A is still in the very low range.  Of course.  We didn't do the steroid shots yet.  We are hoping to push it until at least 30-32 weeks.  I have a growth/size scan booked for 2 weeks from now.  And we are going to start the NST tests soon.  So all in all a not too bad of an appointment. 

I was super cranky though yesterday.  Just not getting enough sleep, and having zero energy to do anything, but it is what it is.  JD was pretty good about digging me out of my funk.  He's just a funny boy, irritating at times, but I always end up laughing dangit!

I'm still working for the time being.  Not a whole lot, but I'm still getting up at 5:00 and getting my arse into the office to make sure everything is okay.  I usually stay for about 5-6 hours then head home for a big nap.  I've told JD I would really prefer not to do weekends anymore though.  Saturday's seem to kill me.  It's over 8 hours and most of it is either on your feet or on an 8 year old stool, so very uncomfortable for that kind of duration.  But every 2 weeks JD asks me "Do you want to be on the schedule?"  And every 2 weeks, I feel guilty and say "Yes..."  But I think I'm only going to finish doing the next 2 weeks on schedule and then after that I will just come in sporadically to check on paper work and such.  We'll see!

Well that's my update for today.  I promise I will get a picture on Sunday at 29 weeks.  Maybe before we go to the baby show!  :)  Anyway, have a good weekend everyone!

Much Love!

ks

Ultrasound Results FINALLY!

I've been quiet as I was waiting for the results from the specialist about our big u/s appointment.  I finally got the results today!  Perfect!  She looks great, growing on target, placenta has good blood flow, umbilical cord is functioning fine, no blood clots, and my 2 main arteries are feeding into the uterus fine!  Yahhhh!  Phew!  I feel like I can breath again!

I hate getting an u/s at the hospital, they never tell you anything, and they are so cold.  We have been sitting here for 5 days worrying.  But thankfully no more!  I guess the only thing left now for the papp a score is me.  I guess this means that I am at a risk for hypertension and pre-e.  We'll just have to watch, and I'll really have to watch my intake of sodium.

Other than that not too much else new here.  I'm busy at work trying to make up for the fact my mind has been somewhere else for 5 days.  LOL! 

Oh and here's the link to the site I ordered that t-shirt from...Infertility T-Shirts and more!

Much Love!

ks

Belly Picture and Favorite T-Shirt! :)

So hard to take a belly shot by yourself!  But here is my first attempt!  I promise to try to get a better one soon.  One where I am not twisting in a knot!  LOL!



I ordered this t-shirt when we finally hit the 2nd trimester.  I had been waiting for 2 years to buy this shirt!  I haven't worn it out in public yet, but it is my go to t-shirt when I get home.  JD loves it.  It's empowering to know that we fought IF and are (hopefully) going to come out the other side of this! 

Now onto other matters...  Today I have my big Doppler velocity blah, blah, blah ultra sound.  Today is where we find out if the placenta and the umbilical cord are working properly.  I didn't sleep very well most of the night again.  Too much stress and fear I guess.  Plus little Miss has been pretty quiet for the last couple of days so I start to worry.  She is still moving but not as hard, as frequent, or as long.  I know that is normal, but dang it still throws me into a tail spin.  Oh well!  If you are a prayer, please pray that my blood work is just one of those things, and that everything is fine with little Miss.  I will post an update when I can!

Much Love!

ks

Scared...

I had my OB appointment yesterday.  It turns out not all of my level II blood work came back awesome.  We are in the clear for trisomies, downs and neural tube issues, however my papp a level came back low.  If you are like me your kind of like "okay WTH is that and what does it mean?"  Papp A stands for Pregnancy Associated Plasma Protein and it is a protein made by the syncytiotrophoblast of the placenta to increase its sensitivity to grow.  Women with low blood levels of PAPPA at 8 to 14 weeks of gestation have an increased risk of intrauterine growth restriction, trisomy 21, premature delivery, preeclampsia, and stillbirth.  (my risk for Down's came in at 1 : 4750 and neural was 1 : 7500, so they do not believe the low papp a is an indicator of Trisomy 21 in our case)

Now my OB did not go into extreme detail with us about all of this.  This is information I have been able to find regarding it.  His main concern with my numbers is the risk of high blood pressure (hypertension) and a small baby.  I think he was sugar coating so we wouldn't worry, but there really is no way we are not going to worry. 

I am being sent for a Doppler velocity ultrasound  (sp) which is to check the blood flow to the uterus, umbilical cord and to check the pressure in the womb.  To say we are scared is an understatement.   One little bit of information I have been able to find that has made me feel a little better is that these numbers can be skewed with twins, especially if there is a fetal demise with one twin.  Which we had.  And unfortunately it wasn't vanishing twin so B's sac was still present at the last u/s which can throw off the numbers. 

Sorry this might get downer from here on out...can it really get any worse...?

I just don't understand any of this.  I mean we've struggled for so long.  Then to finally find success and with twins.  Then the horrible day in ER with the SCH and being sent home told that they were both fine...4 days later B is passed away.  Now THIS!!! 

I don't want to lose my baby girl.  I don't want her to be sick or have to struggle.  I just wanted a normal pregnancy, with all the regular pregnancy stuff.  Not all these scares, bleeds, further tests, worry and anxiety.  Just give us a break already...

To my baby girl...  I love you more than myself already.  Please stay with me.  Please be a strong little fighter.  Your Daddy and I want you so bad, and love you so much!  Please, please, please God make this okay?!?!?!?!

Update from Dr's Appointment

Okay JD and my Mom were right.  I really did need to go to the Dr.  He said it sounds like I have the start of pneumonia in my right lung.  There is a lot of rattle and wheeze going on in there.  So I am on an inhaler 2x a day right now.  If my fever comes back I am to start on an antibiotic that he has prescribed.

I did the inhaler 2x yesterday and once this morning, and I feel like crap!  I ended up throwing up two time last night.  Once after lunch and once after dinner.  And now today I feel as weak as a wet kitten.  Of course I am working today.  Brutal!  But I have to as my staff has had to cover for me for 4 days already.  I can't make them work the weekend too.  But man oh man do I wish I didn't have to be here.

I'm so worried about little nut.  I hope/pray that everything is okay.  I yelled at JD this morning as I'm so snippy.  I'm snippy because I'm tired, weak, and rung out with worry.  I know there is nothing I can do, I just have to pray that this little nut can keep fighting to hold on.  If you have healthy vibes, please send them my way!

Much Love!

ks

To the Dr's I Go...

Nothing to do with Bebe necessarily.  It's this dang flu!  I've been knocked on my butt since Monday afternoon with it.  And it's just a flu, but because I've been running fevers JD and my Mom are all over me to go to the Dr's to make sure it's not an infection or anything.  So today at 12:30 I will go to the Dr's.  Yahh!  (sarcasm)  Today is my first day back in the office, and really the only reason I came in was to let my staff sleep in and because I have to get my level II blood work done.  So now after work I am driving 1/2 hour south (I live north) to the Dr's then drive back to town to the opposite side of town for my blood work (another 1/2 hour drive), to then back track my way home which is yet another 1/2 an hour drive.  So today I will be doing a lot of driving!  Dang it!  Oh well!  Better to air on the side of caution when it comes to Bebe right!?

I'm feeling a little better today, no fever since about 9pm last night.  Still am not eating much and I can't breath through my nose, but better than I have been feeling.  I actually have make up on today and my hair done which is a big improvement from the last couple of days!  And wouldn't you know it JD wanted to try to take pictures of the bump last night.  I could have killed him!  LOL!  I'm in a wife beater with Vick's vapor rub all over, no bra, no make up, no hair done, fevered and he thinks it's photo op time!?!?  WTF!?!?  LOL!  God love him!

I'm hoping tomorrow I will feel up to going shopping after work.  There is a great sale at Thy.me Maternity and I have a coupon for $20 off when you spend over $100.  I really need some shirts and sweaters.  All of my non-maternity shirts and sweaters are starting to look like 'fat guy in a little shirt!'

Anyway not too much else new on this front.  Unless you want TLC and Spike TV updates!  LOL!  I'm going to go catch up on my blog reading now since I'm finally back on my computer! 

Much Love!

ks

200th Post!

Wow!  It seems like just yesterday I discovered the blogging community.  And what a sweet relief it was to know that we are not alone.  I started this blog to help me deal with my diagnosis of POF.  And it really has helped me.  Getting it all out there in the open, it's a release!  There are still times I get really down about our situation, but I can't change it, so I just have to deal with it and find a way to complete our dreams in a different manner.  And that's what we've done. 

With the help of fellow bloggers I have come to a very comfortable place with donor.  I'm still figuring out how we are going to approach the topic with our children, but I'm hopeful that if we raise them with love and honesty that they won't grow up with any issues with their origins.  Anyway, if you are one of my readers Thank you for hanging in with me for 200 rambling posts!  I hope you enjoy some of what I write!

Onto Bebe Update

OB appointment yesterday.  No pelvic exam, no arguing over the Pap, victory for me!  Weight is up, not by much but enough that I need to keep my eye on it.  We heard the heartbeat - 155!  Yahh!  Talked about trying to get to the gym, Dr. says no, but I can swim, so another small victory!  SCH looks like it is fully healed, but B's sac is still there... :(  I had a good cry after the appointment about that.  JD says it's staying around to watch over it's sibling. 

I think the whole issue with me working out is because of the SCH and the gush that I had 5 weeks ago.  I think the Dr. might be worried that I might have an incompetent cervix, or maybe a risk of pre-term labour.  I think I read somewhere that woman who have very large SCH tend to delivery early, but I could be mistaken.  They all just might want me to get fat and lazy who knows!  But I tell you with my stupid thyroid disease and the fact that I only crave crap food, I am gaining weight way to fast.  I'm really going to have to work my butt off after this Bebe!  Oh well!

That's my update for today!

Much Love!

ks

Rambling Thoughts...

If you've been following me you know our history and know why we had to go donor egg route.  When we made the decision to give up on my young/old eggs, we said we would revisit them after we had one child.  I'm still thinking about this...  I think when everything is said and done I may try and get a consult done with Dr. Check in NJ.  I've been diagnosed with POF for over 2 years now.  I've done oodles and oodles of research on it.  And with my fsh (72) he seems to be the only one willing to look into an attempt.  And he seems to actually have success with high fsh ladies.  Obviously I don't think he is a miracle worker but I do think that with everything my body has gone through in the last year that it might be worth looking into.

Here's why I think so...

For almost 2 years I was getting monthly dildo cam visits to check for follicles or cysts on day 2 of my cycles.  At every check there was at most 2 follicles, usually 1 or none.  This is why after getting the ridiculous FSH reading I finally threw in the towel completely.  However, fast forward 2 DE transfers, 2 failures, and surgery to remove some rotten tubes.  Mock cycle starts and we do an u/s to check for follicles and low behold there are 9.  2 months later we are doing another Day 2 check for the actual cycle and low behold there are 11 follicles.  WTF!  

Sure it's not the same resting AFC count a normal fertile woman would get but it is still a decent AFC count.  Plus I've heard of a lot of woman who have POF due to an Auto Immune Disease that seem to float in and out of POF.  Maybe I could be one of those woman!?  However we know it won't be one of those magical miracle Urban Legends (unless my tubes grow back), we will have to do IVF.

And I think it will be easier to look into giving it one more go after we have one child because we know if it doesn't work that I can actually get pregnant by DE, and that door is still open for us.  By the time I have this bean I will be 33, and if we have any chance of getting a miracle (genetic) child it is going to have to be quickly after beanie is born.  I don't know we'll see.  Maybe we won't.  Maybe my eggs are too risky.  High FSH can also mean abnormal eggs, so maybe it's just better this way to use a healthy donor and not risk a child being stuck with either fertility issues or Auto Immune Issues. 

Sorry these are the ramblings of a woman thinking about what's next!  And how soon can we go for another!  LOL!  I warned JD I wanted a big family!  LOL!

Lots of Love!

ks

No Reassurance...

No Fetal Heart check, no ultra sound, nope nothing of that sort was done yesterday.  Just a history, blood pressure check, and urine analysis.  Little bit of comfort though.  My OB, Dr. S said he didn't want to use the Doppler because he can only find the heart beat about 50% of the time before 12 weeks.  He asked me if I would like him to try though and I said no.  I am already anxious enough that if he doesn't find the heart beat I would totally feel like it is over.

Dr.S thinks what happened yesterday morning is nothing to worry about.  My body is working really hard right now and odd things are going to happen.  He would have been concerned if I was crampy or there was fresh blood.  Neither has happened in awhile.  I told him I know I have no real reason to be as scared as we are but...  He promptly cut me off and said "no I think you do...look at what you've gone through to get here!"  But he did reassure me that he will try to keep me as relaxed and calm as possible.  I am to continue only working part time.  No mall walking, no gym time, nothing exciting.  Just me and my couch and my three monkeys! 

I feel a little bit better today.  And that's mainly because I had no more weird pop and gush things happen.  I have more to write about concerning the appointment yesterday, but I'm tired and my mind is a little all over the place.  So I'm out!

Much Love

ks

Rough Morning (Warning TMI)

In more ways than 1...

First Item of Crap!

I had another episode this morning while blow drying my hair.  Felt a gush, checked, and it wasn't blood...but I have no idea what it was.  It was a mustard colour liquid.  So I'm not feeling overly confident that Bebe is okay.

Second Item of Crap!

Still can't find the heartbeat on the Doppler.  Now I have done some research on this Doppler and it only has a sensitivity of 1-2 cm depth.  And there are a lot of people that can't find the heartbeat until past 12 weeks.  But with the cramps and the goosh this morning...Really not feeling confident.

Third Item of Crap!

Had a fight with an employee.  First thing this morning.  An employee came in yesterday hung over and I'm sorry but that is totally unacceptable.  He again was 5 minutes late this morning.  And he started talking back to me this minute I questioned him about being hung over yesterday.  Well anyone who knows me knows that the worst thing you can do is talk back to me.  Suffice it to say it wasn't a great morning at the office.  I'm pretty sure that he is now looking for another job.  But you know what...I don't care...there are so many people out there looking for work, that I'm sure I can find a replacement. 

Fourth Item of Crap!

We have our first OB appointment this morning.  I'm scared shit less.  I have cried most of the morning (when I'm alone).  I feel hopeless.  I said to JD I didn't want to get out of bed.  Because in bed everything was still good.  I should have gone with my gut instinct and just stayed there dammit!

Much Love to All!

Waiting on the Mail...

We broke down and ordered something.  All the 'fertiles' I know think we are nuts.  But for an infertile, especially those who have lost a Bebe you will understand.  We are renting a fetal Doppler for 6 months.  We ordered it on Monday, we think it is going to be here today or tomorrow.  It really can't come fast enough for me.  As I said to JD last night, I don't feel pregnant, just fat! 

The morning sickness I was experiencing on the weekend has all but disappeared.  The daily spotting has disappeared as well!  Yahh!  But I really don't feel pregnant.  Maybe I am just one of the lucky ones.  But man I would love some reassurance.  And poas is out of the question as my hcg would still be high even if we did have a missed miscarriage. 

I think I am extra anxious as today is the first Thursday I haven't had an u/s.  I know I really shouldn't be worrying as the spotting is stopped.  But dang it is just so hard.  Y'know?!?

Anyway I've been to work a lot this week.  No full 12 hour days but I've done three 7 hour shifts and the weekend.  And I feel okay.  I just wish I could get clearance to go back to the gym.  I feel like my ass is getting really saggy!  LOL!  I definitely have a gut, but there is no crunches going to be done for quite awhile.  I just want to be able to get back on the treadmill and the bike.  Work my lower half since that's my trouble zone. 

I'm going to follow up with my new ob today and ensure they got my referral and see when I can get back in there to have this SCH checked.  Hopefully things will continue to be quiet on that front.  I hope all my blog friends are doing well! 

Much Love!

ks

OverDue UpDate Dermatologist

Sorry it has taken me so long to update about my appointment with the Dermatologist, but I haven't been in a very good place for the last 3 weeks.  Blah!  Anyway, apparently I am getting old, because this Dr was a freaking tween!  I almost asked him how he liked New.Moon!?  LOL!  He also doesn't know what it was I had, he thinks bug bites...  Okay I'm 32 dude!  I think I would know if I had 100+ critters biting each ankle and calf!  They were NOT bug bites.  But because they were relatively gone other than dry skin blemishes, he can't say 100% what it was.  I still whole heartily believe it was an allergic reaction to something in that birth controls make up. 

Shady45 has decided to not attempt another round of bcp's though, they are just going to keep me on HRT and then have me take provera to time me up with the other ladies in my cycle.  We still have not heard anything.  I would love to know if we were thinking of September, October or November.  But alas we are still in the dark!

I threw out my my back this week, so I haven't been to the gym.  JD and I shovelled 3 tons of gravel on the weekend, and my poor back and abs just weren't ready for that kind of torture!  That's probably adding to my black mood.  I feel terrible about myself if I don't get off the couch and do stuff.  And my back was so bad this week, that I really couldn't do anything.  I should have gone for a massage, but I didn't think of it until yesterday and my massage therapist is booked.  I have booked one for next Friday though as I'm sure when I'm back at the gym next week it is going to hurt.  Oh well! 

Sorry I haven't been commenting.  I really haven't been on my computer a lot lately.  JD's Aunt is visiting from Engl.and so we've been really busy.  I'm working again this weekend so I will try to catch myself up on what everyone is up to.  I hope everyone is well!

Much Love

ks

Daily Life and Such...

This last week was National Infertility Awareness Week in the U.S.A..  I didn't really participate in it too much as ours here in Canada is right around the corner.  I didn't post anything on F.B. and I really haven't been blogging a whole lot lately.  I've been reading, but not commenting or posting...  Bad blogger! 

I would like to take a moment though and tell you to head on over to Hannah Wept and Sarah Laughed and check out her video she made "What IF".  It took a lot of courage for her to make this video and come out of the 'closet' so to speak.  Bravo Keiko!

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So what have I been up to that has made me a bad blogger...?  A lot actually.  I have worked out every night last week, Spin Class 4 times, Bars and Plates 2x, and the eliptical in between.  I dragged JD to Bars & Plates and man was he sore!  Teehee!!  Our favourite instructor for Spin is on Thursday's and Sunday's, JD can only make it every other week, I usually don't go without him, well I went this week by myself.  It was the best I've ever done!  I did 20.5 km's in 45 minutes, burned over 400 calories!  YOWZA!!!  I was very proud of myself.

It takes a lot of prep work  for us to be able to maintain this schedule.  Our work hours are from 7:30 am - 6:00 pm, and we work an hour away from our house and gym.  So you see, our days are long...  I usually try to prepare our meals in advance.  Lastnight I made beef stew, mexican chicken stew, 2 salads with bar-b-que chicken, and a veggie tray.  That should last us for lunches and dinners thru the week.  Did I forget to mention I prepped all of this after I worked yesterday!  Phew!!!  I am one tired chickitta today!  But I feel accomplished and that's a feeling I haven't had in a long time!

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Tomorrow I have an appointment with my RE, to discuss HRT.  I think I'm going to ask to be switched to bcp's.  That was it is easier to synch me up with a donor, should I ever get to cycle again!  Apparently I need to redo all of my infectious disease testing yet again.  It all expires on May 25, 2010...  Ahhh the testing that never stops. 

Sorry this post was written May 3, 2010...  I will do a second post with an update from the RE...

POF and Hormonal?!?!

I've been quiet this week because I've been in a low mood.  Nothing has happened,  nothing has changed, and nothing has moved forward.  I'm still waiting...  That's probably why I am so low.  I hate this waiting.  Another week passes and I still don't have a date for my surgery.  I feel so fucking helpless!!!  I just want to call and scream at someone anyone!  But there is no one to scream at.  The Dr's and nurses don't care it's not them that's been riding this bench for 5+ years!

I could actually be a little hormonal this week.  I know funny right?!  From a POF girl!  Anyway, I have just had my 3rd AF in 40 days.  Doesn't POF mean I'm supposed to slow down on having them?  Isn't HRT supposed to somewhat control this?  And this last AF was not a normal one for me.  I was in excruciating pain.  I was bloated for 3 days before it even started.  Not just my belly either my whole body.  I couldn't get my wedding ring off.  On the 4th night I almost had JD take me to emerg.  I was in such awful pain throughout my entire abdomen that I thought for sure it was a digestive problem of sorts. 

I've contacted my RE.  She advised that break thru bleeding is normal on HRT.  And that I shouldn't worry.  She wants to see me next month.  Yahhh more Dr's appointments!  I have my GP appoitment next week to check my tsh, then a week later an Endo appointment, then back to the RE.  Now c'mon surgeon are you kidding me that I've seen all 3 other Dr's 2x and you still can't give me a fucking surgery date!!!???  WHAT THE FUCK!!!???

Whatever!  Thank God I've got spin class tonight.  I'll work off some of my aggression there!