Well That Is A Change!

I just got my second update from my nurse.  Everything looks good with our donor.  ER is scheduled for Saturday.  I asked her "Does it look like we are in on this cycle?  We are the 3rd couple? "  She says "Oh no one told you?  The one couple had to back out!  There are just 2 of you in this cycle!" 

OMG!  Seriously!?  When did the world flip on it's axis and lady luck start smiling on us?!  So it's no more IF we get to go, it's hello, time to pack we ARE going.  Next week I will be PUPO!  OMG! 

I'm in shock right now!  I thought for sure we would get bumped.  I really would have liked to have known this all week.  JD and I have both been complete and utter stress bags.  It's not just the cycle, it's work, it's finances, it's time, it's everything... 

We definitely need this little vacation in Washington.  Okay I can't type anymore I'm bouncing out of my seat.  I'm just sooooo jazzed up right now!  More Saturday when I get an accurate egg count!

Much Love!

ks

Decisions, Decisions...

It has been an interesting week, to say the least.  First off I've been in a dark place emotionally.  Not really low or sad, just a dark mood.  One of those moods where you very likely will bite some one's head off for looking at you the wrong way...  I have not been fun to live with.  What is really different is that JD has also been in this type of mood.  So the two of us were continually bickering.  We are both under an immense amount of pressure with our business', and well you know the regular IF stresses.  At one point it all comes to head together.  Things with business are not going to get any less stressful for a little while, but we are used to this, and we are pretty good at managing to keep that stress at the office where it belongs!

We had a big decision to make over the weekend regarding our IF battle. 

We received an e-mail last week from our original agency that handled our nightmare DE Cycle #1.  It was a very nice e-mail about how they had been reviewing their year, and our case kept sticking with them.  We were the failure that was supposed to have succeeded.  Beautiful embryos, great lining, young uterus (yeah right!), all the stars were aligned, we just fell into the unlucky stats.  They are offering us an all inclusive cycle for a discounted price of $8,500 (US).  They apparently just don't feel right about leaving us behind.

Now keep in mind our cycle including the FET cost us $36,000.  So this really is a serious discount.  What I liked about this e-mail was their ability to share the fault of our lack of success without actually saying we fucked up!  Which they did... 

Now obviously this should be a no brainer...  No Thank You!  We've moved on...  But...For some reason this gave JD and I a moment's pause.  We have talked about going with them again as recently as June.  We really did like our Dr, our donor, and everyone affiliated with the agency.  And I can't blame them for our failures, I mean c'mon since then we've removed my tubes and found them to be toxic. 

Bottom line is this though.  We have so far to date proven to be a tough case.  Regardless of our age (not such a young pup anymore!) we very likely may need more than 1 transfer to be successful.  If we did the discounted cycle, there is no guarantee that we will have frosties.  And there really isn't enough $ left over to do another full fresh cycle with anyone else.  No we are going to stay at Shady45.  We are going to roll the dice.  We are going to pray that if we are successful on our first transfer that there might (God help me here) be frosties left over for siblings. 

I will send an e-mail to the original agency today.  I will recommend that they change their protocol to include a mock for every patient, so no one has to go through what we did.  I will cheekily tell them I am now with another clinic, but if they would like to refund the money for the vitrification I would find that  a satisfactory apology for their part to play in our failure...  :) 

OverDue UpDate Dermatologist

Sorry it has taken me so long to update about my appointment with the Dermatologist, but I haven't been in a very good place for the last 3 weeks.  Blah!  Anyway, apparently I am getting old, because this Dr was a freaking tween!  I almost asked him how he liked New.Moon!?  LOL!  He also doesn't know what it was I had, he thinks bug bites...  Okay I'm 32 dude!  I think I would know if I had 100+ critters biting each ankle and calf!  They were NOT bug bites.  But because they were relatively gone other than dry skin blemishes, he can't say 100% what it was.  I still whole heartily believe it was an allergic reaction to something in that birth controls make up. 

Shady45 has decided to not attempt another round of bcp's though, they are just going to keep me on HRT and then have me take provera to time me up with the other ladies in my cycle.  We still have not heard anything.  I would love to know if we were thinking of September, October or November.  But alas we are still in the dark!

I threw out my my back this week, so I haven't been to the gym.  JD and I shovelled 3 tons of gravel on the weekend, and my poor back and abs just weren't ready for that kind of torture!  That's probably adding to my black mood.  I feel terrible about myself if I don't get off the couch and do stuff.  And my back was so bad this week, that I really couldn't do anything.  I should have gone for a massage, but I didn't think of it until yesterday and my massage therapist is booked.  I have booked one for next Friday though as I'm sure when I'm back at the gym next week it is going to hurt.  Oh well! 

Sorry I haven't been commenting.  I really haven't been on my computer a lot lately.  JD's Aunt is visiting from Engl.and so we've been really busy.  I'm working again this weekend so I will try to catch myself up on what everyone is up to.  I hope everyone is well!

Much Love

ks

What a Week!

I haven't been updating because I am so tired of journaling bad news!  Since I have picked a donor and I am trying to make myself accomidable to be synced up I started bcp's after my last AF.  I actually had to e-mail the nurse to find out the proper day to start the bcp's, it's been that long since I have taken them.  Anyway, I started them last Sunday and by Monday morning my feet were on fire!  I knew I was having an allergic reaction but I wasn't 100% sure to what.  I mean it's not like I hadn't ever had bcp's before!  So I took my Monday morning pill.  And by mid day my ankles and calves were covered with red fiery bumps.  I won't call them hives because hives tend to go away when you take an allergy pill.  These suckers were not going away!  I e-mailed my local clinic what was going on.  We actually didn't connect with each other until Wednesday, but at this point I hadn't taken a bcp since Monday.  The 'hives' were not going away.  My local RE was worried it was a skin condition that can be brought on by bcp's that is common with an Auto Immune Disease called Ery.thema Nod.osom.  (I would recommend you not google it, it's gross!)  Anyway, it's only on your feet, ankles and the back of you calves, and since this is how I was presenting it was a pretty safe assumption. 

JD and I were supposed to start our vacation on Wednesday for our  Anniversary.  We ended up having to delay it one day so that I could go to the Dr's.  I was freaking out about Shady45 possibly dumping us as I can't even take bcp's without having a complication.  It was awful, and I was itchy and bitchy!  Happy Freaking Anniversary!   Shady45 said not to worry do your HRT and we will have you take provera when we need to sync you in.  Phew!  Fast forward to Thursday....  Dr doesn't believe it is Erythema as the bumps are smaller, is kind of left scratching his head as to what it is.  Wonders if it could be the start of shingles, etc...  Long story short, he orders b/w and chest x-ray, and prescribes super duper I'm in love with you steroid cream!  Blood work comes back great.  And I still haven't gone for the chest x-ray.  Super duper cream dried everything up by Monday for me!  I am now itch free!  Thank God! 

Personally I think I just had an allergic reaction to something in that particular form of bcp.  Which ended up coming out as a prickly heat rash.  I don't really know why it would have only have been on my feet and calves, but whatever, I'm better now.  And I really feel very healthy, so I'm not really that concerned.  I am just trying to reason with myself why I don't have to go for a chest x-ray, or the dermatologist for that matter!  Jeez can you tell I'm just tired of appointments and doctors!? 

There's been more anxiety I'm not even going to bother writing it out.  Let's just say that the weekend I had been waiting for since Christmas, was not as fulfilling as it should have been.  I will fill you in on the fun stuff, but in a later post.  This one is getting a little long!

Much Love!

ks

Donor Selected!

Yes!  That's right!  We finally picked a Donor.  Well it actually wasn't that long but it felt like an eternity to us.  I truly think that deciding on a donor is the hardest part of this whole process.  Okay maybe the 2ww is the worst!  Ever since we made our decision I have been exhausted.  I guess the stress has just chewed me up and spat me out. 

We don't have a timeline on the cycle, yet.  We are supposed to get that this week sometime.  I'm not as excited as our families are, because unfortunately I know that there are a lot of hurdles we still have to get through.  Because we are in a 'Shared Risk' program, we are sharing our donor 3 ways.  We actually got this donor because another couple backed out.  So we are the 3rd couple, which means if she doesn't produce a large # of eggs, we get dropped.  I said to JD I'll be excited when I'm on the table being prepped for transfer! 

Well anyway, we are moving forward, and that alone is the best news I've had in a long time!

Much Love!

ks

Accepted and Disappointed!

Those two items don't look like they should go together really do they?  But in our case that seems to be the norm.  We have been accepted into the Shared Risk Guarantee Program with Shady45.  Yahhh!  I finally got the donor pass code last night to start the donor search.  And low behold there are count them 2 blue eyed donors.  One with scoliosis, brown hair, blue eyes, miscarriage history, etc...  And the second is a red head.  Nuff said! 

Obviously #1 isn't in the running.  And #2 is a no go as well.  There is no one in either families with red hair.  I have nothing against red haired women, I've dyed my hair red many a time!  But without there being any chance of us naturally having a red headed child I don't feel comfortable using that donor.  So I changed my search just to look at Caucasians....  Okay there were seriously only 7 other donors.  This is very disappointing to say the least.

One minute we are up, one minute we are down.  I was so jazzed on Monday when after only 14 days of estrace my lining was 8.4.  And I had 9 follies!!  All tiny of course, but I've never had more than like max 4 and that was with EPP!   I had thought picking the donor was going to be the easy part.  I was apparently wrong!

JD and I have talked it out.  We are just going to wait until the right donor comes along with Shady45.  I did put a bug in his ear that maybe we should just consider either cycling in Zlin, or doing a solo cycle here locally with and agency donor.  Zlin is cheap and I know we could get the cycle rolling by at least October.  Their donor pool is loaded with blonde haired blue eyed women too.  Cycling here would cost us the same as what Shady45's 6 fresh cycles will cost us.  And it would probably take until November to get a cycle rolling.  But we would get to choose the donor, and the agency I would use supplies you with current adult photos of the donors. 

Our reasons for waiting are this...

• 
  
  unsure about health history with Zlin donors.
• 
  
  very far to travel and they don't overstim the donors, so fewer embies to work with.
• 
  
  Very anonymous.  No pictures, no history, no nothing, clinic picks the donor for you.
• 
  
  Locally, it is very expensive.
• 
  
  Repeating all the testing and meetings we've just completed but with a different clinic.
• 
  
  Scared that if donor is not a rock star producer, we end up with no frosties, a failure, and no money left for any other options.

So you can see our fear of failure is really driving us right now.  I don't necessarily know that that is the right frame of mind to make this decision with, but....what else do you do?  I would love to cycle here with a donor from this one agency, but fuck me, what if it doesn't work?  I'm so scared to be left with nothing.  Why can't we just win the Lotto Max so we can have more options and that way I could actually find the donor I really want.  I hate settling.  And trust me it's not like I think I would win beauty contests or anything.  But this is my stand in, my understudy, I am getting to choose the genetic traits we want our children to have.  This is a fucking hard journey.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

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On a side note...  Please say a prayer for a fellow blogger friend.  Sweet G, I'm thinking of you and praying with everything I've got that your little bean makes it through the procedure.  I know your heart is heavy right now, and I'm sorry.  This was supposed to be the most joyous time for you and it's heartbreaking.  Stay strong, you've done what had to be done.  ((hugs))

Much Love

ks

Back in the Saddle

Well sort of...  I'm back in the bike seat!  Monday night was my first night back at the gym.  I did Bars & Plates, and then Spin Class.  I made it all the way to 55 minutes in Bars & Plates, then we hit ab work!  I did a little bit and started to pinch and cramp way too much.  Obviously my insides aren't 100% healed yet!   Oh well.  I feel okay today.  I'm sure each day it will get a little bit better.   I can't sit at home anymore.  I've gained back 1 lbs since surgery.  And it will quickly turn into more if I don't get back to it.

So far I've lost 10lbs.  Which may not sound like much, but it is 2 sizes smaller on my pants.  And I keep reminding myself I'm doing this the healthy way, so I can't expect a large drop quickly.  Chubby is being replaced with muscle, muscle actually weighs more than fat.  I think I look alright.  Better, but not as good as I'd like!

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I finally got approval to do the mock drug cycle.  We've already done a mock transfer, now I just need to prove to Shady45 that I can build a lining.  I'm going to the pharmacy today to try to get the prescriptions filled.  I never really know when my AF is coming.  But I think it will be in the next week or so.  I'm anxious and excited.  I only found out yesterday that we were finally moving forward, so I didn't sleep well last night!

We still can't choose our donor though.  We aren't fully accepted into the program until they see that I can build a lining.  But at least we are moving forward.  What kind of sucks though, in September I lose the majority of my staff.  I am going to be working 7 days a week again for at least 2-3 months until I can properly train and trust someone with the office.   This happens every now and again in my industry.  There is a quick turnover in staff.  I've been very lucky for the last couple of years, I've had one employee for almost 4 years.  But now he's graduated university and is hoping to move to Asia to teach English as a second language.   My other employee is in the final stages of becoming a police officer, and is hoping to be sent to the academy in September.  So I'll be left with one employee, who I can't put in charge.  I hate hiring and training new people.  Whatever when it comes to cycling I'm sure we'll find a way to get a week off to go and do it. 

I mean c'mon we waited an extra couple of years to start trying because of this business.  I think it's time we put our lives first.  Well I'm off for the day today, and I'm taking JD shopping as none of his pants fit him anymore!  I hope all my blogger friends are well!

Much Love
ks

Healing

The surgery wasn't too bad.  They did end up taking both tubes.  The surgeon told JD that he did some cleaning while he was in there, whatever that means.  I cried in the recovery a bit, but after that, I really haven't cried that much.  Having my mom and dad here made a huge difference.  They kept me busy and up.  Anytime my mom saw my eyes start to glaze over with that far away sad look, she would say let's go for a walk.  So it was good they kept me from falling into the depression I was already entering.  They left on Sunday.  I was so tired I slept most of Monday and Tuesday.  Today I was supposed to go into the office to do some paperwork, but I woke up sad and in a little pain, so I think I am going to stay home and enjoy my last day off of work.  The paperwork can just bloody wait. 

My local RE was there for the surgery.  I think during my drug fog I might have gushed and cried to her about how much her and her clinic mean to me.  That's kind of embarrassing.  There are certain players in my life who really keep me going and it's really hard for me to admit how much I need them to be there for me and help me through this.  I hate being emotional in front of Dr's and such.  It's okay at home with JD or my mom but...  Dr. Forman has always been very kind to JD and I.  We are her worst case.  We are the one couple she can't really help conceive, but she has helped us emotionally, and to think about our decisions, and she's played the devil's advocate for us.  Anyway...

Today I am feeling empty.  I'm sad.  I want to stay home and cocoon with my doggies.  I don't feel overly positive about anything right now.  I don't know what will happen next.  I still haven't heard from Shady45.  I don't know that this will every lead to a outcome we want, but I hope that I will no longer have as much pain as before.  Anyway that's where I am.

Thanks for all your wonderful comments fellow bloggers.  You really did help me on the day of the surgery.  I logged on and read them right before I left.  I will snap out of this, I know I will.  Once I get fully back to my life again, I'm sure I'll perk up.  All my best to you all!

Much Love!

ks

Shady45

Get ready cause here we come!  We are leaving at an ungodly time tomorrow morning.  I'm not packed, I haven't finished filling out the paperwork, I still need to organize my medical file, etc...  In other words I have a lot to do before 4am tomorrow morning.  My office is crazy busy today, and I have a ton of things here I need to finish before I leave for the week.  Mental note next time we leave for a week, schedule more employees for my last shift.  Whatever!  It will all get done.  I'm excited so I have tons of anxious energy to burn. 

I know I'm not going to learn anything really new down there, but I'm still looking forward to seeing the clinic, meeting the Dr's, and just getting away for a few days.  We've started getting our finances together for the cycle.  So hopefully we can find and pick a donor soon, then just wait for the surgery.  I would love to be able to cycle in May (not going to happen) but maybe June.  We just have to wait and see.

My fingers are crossed they accept us into their program!

Consult #1 Done

I had the phone consult yesterday with Shady.45...  (JD insists I call them that???  Something to do with Em.inem)  Anyway the consult was with one of the 24 RE's.  I don't know if he will be our Dr. or not.  I think he will be.  I really didn't have a lot of questions as this is a journey I am all too familiar with.  I gave him a quick bio on me and my health.  He was quite taken back that we haven't even had a chemical pregnancy.  He agrees that there might be something else at play hence the failure to implant.  Dr. SaveMe agrees that a miscarriage panel is probably a very good idea; especially considering I have Hashi the likely hood of another immune disease hiding is quite good.  But...from what I was able to inform him about my HSG (Oct 2007) and my laparoscopic surgery (Dec 2007) he believes it could be hydrosplinx.  Which to my understanding is an infection that hides in the fallopian tubes, closes them up, creates clubbing, etc...  And it leads to failure to implant and a common reason for multiple m/c's.  From what I could goo.gle, I believe it can be taken care of with a long strong dose of antibiotics.  

It's not hard to diagnose, but it is difficult to find if you aren't in the habit of looking for it.  So it could very well have been missed.  Dr. SaveMe has asked that I have a 2nd HSG done.  It can take up to 6 months to get an appointment for this here, so I think I will arrange to have his office do it on our day there.  Now we wait for the patient liaison to contact us again and arrange our day of testing, mock transfer, HSG, and in person consult.

I'm not excited, I'm nervous.  What if they don't accept us into the program?  What if we can't figure out the financing?  Then what the fuck do we do!!!  Arrrggghhh!  There's just way too much stress for my  throbbing head to process today.

I have a 'what the fuck' appointment with my RE on Thursday.  She really had nothing to do with either of my cycles.  But I have to see her to try to get the miscarriage panel run here in Ontario where OHIP will cover the cost.  And I need to get 4-6 months worth of birth control pills, or hrt.  I can't handle these hot flashes and ridiculous headaches.  It's like the perimenopause comes back full throttle the second I'm off the estrogen and progesterone.  Sucks!

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Enough about all that.  JD and I are back on our health kick.  We are gearing up our spin classes again, and hitting the elliptical.  No more crappy comfort food.  If we want fast, we can grab a light sub here and there.  We've got to do something to keep our minds of everything while we attempt to get the ball rolling with this new clinic.  Neither one of us is happy with our bodies right now.  Shit luck for me though, as JD can and will drop the weight no problem, but me, not so much.  Last summer I had to work my ass off to shed 10 pounds.  Now I need to shed at least 20+.  Yikes!!!  I think I need to go on Surv.ivor!  LOL!  Oh well!  I'm off to eat my tiny cup of stew!

Much Love to All!