Healing

The surgery wasn't too bad.  They did end up taking both tubes.  The surgeon told JD that he did some cleaning while he was in there, whatever that means.  I cried in the recovery a bit, but after that, I really haven't cried that much.  Having my mom and dad here made a huge difference.  They kept me busy and up.  Anytime my mom saw my eyes start to glaze over with that far away sad look, she would say let's go for a walk.  So it was good they kept me from falling into the depression I was already entering.  They left on Sunday.  I was so tired I slept most of Monday and Tuesday.  Today I was supposed to go into the office to do some paperwork, but I woke up sad and in a little pain, so I think I am going to stay home and enjoy my last day off of work.  The paperwork can just bloody wait. 

My local RE was there for the surgery.  I think during my drug fog I might have gushed and cried to her about how much her and her clinic mean to me.  That's kind of embarrassing.  There are certain players in my life who really keep me going and it's really hard for me to admit how much I need them to be there for me and help me through this.  I hate being emotional in front of Dr's and such.  It's okay at home with JD or my mom but...  Dr. Forman has always been very kind to JD and I.  We are her worst case.  We are the one couple she can't really help conceive, but she has helped us emotionally, and to think about our decisions, and she's played the devil's advocate for us.  Anyway...

Today I am feeling empty.  I'm sad.  I want to stay home and cocoon with my doggies.  I don't feel overly positive about anything right now.  I don't know what will happen next.  I still haven't heard from Shady45.  I don't know that this will every lead to a outcome we want, but I hope that I will no longer have as much pain as before.  Anyway that's where I am.

Thanks for all your wonderful comments fellow bloggers.  You really did help me on the day of the surgery.  I logged on and read them right before I left.  I will snap out of this, I know I will.  Once I get fully back to my life again, I'm sure I'll perk up.  All my best to you all!

Much Love!

ks

Going TubeLess!

Yes as of tomorrow at approximately noon, I will be Tubeless in Toronto.  This SUCKS!  In my head I know that this is the right thing to do to try to get pregnant...but...in my heart...  I feel broken, hopeless, and a little bit angry.  I've always had this tiny little piece of hope in my heart that when we were done ttc, I would one day pop up pregnant naturally.  I hoped that one day my body would just decide to wake up and spit out a good egg or two.  Miracles do happen every day, my support boards are full of them!  Yesterday in fact one of the DE Moms came out of the closet that she is 7 weeks pregnant with a natural surprise!  And while I'm so very happy for her, I'm so very crushed for us.  That will NEVER be us.  I am being spayed tomorrow.  FUCK ME I'm sad....

I have tried so very hard to be positive and strong and I was doing okay.  I guess maybe it's because it's tomorrow and I'm scared, now all the feelings are bubbling out.  Why God answer me this...Why can Kar.la Hom.olka have a gentic child and I can't.  She's a rapist and murderer, and her genes get to carry on!  How fucking fair is this world!  I'm sorry for the profanity I'm just so ticked.  I have been patient, I have been a good person, I have done everything you are supposed to do.  And still I'm left with empty arms and a broken heart!

Being as jaded as I am about God's involvment in this, and yet I still find myself praying?!  Please let everything go smooth tomorrow.  Please let this be the right thing to do.  Please let me conitnue to have the strength and patience to continue trying.  Please God please let this path lead me to a family.  Please don't let this journey lead to a sad, lonely end.

Wishing all my fellow bloggers well!  I'll post sometime after the surgery as long as I can pull myself out of my funk!  Much love to all!

ks

TPO... High Score Again!

Yes that's right!  I got the high score yet again.  Not only do I break records with my E2 levels and my fsh, but I also like to score really high with my TPO.  TPO stands for thyroid peroxidase.  Thyroid peroxidase (TPO) is an antibody that can help or disrupt the production of hormones, depending on their working levels.  I believe regular TPO levels can range anywhere from 25 - 350.  Mine is 3850.  It is very common to have raised TPO if you have Graves or Hashimoto.  We already knew I have Hashimoto, so I don't really understand why it was such a shock for my RE that my levels were so high.  But she was shocked.

Since this discovery she believes that there definitely needs to be some changes made with my protocol for my next transfer.  She believes that I should be on Dex, Heparin and 80 mg aspi.rin daily until bfn or 8 weeks.  I have yet to forward this information to the clinic in Wash.ington.  There really is no rush.  They are waiting for my infectious disease results still.  And really how do you go about telling your RE "Oh by the way not all of my testing came back awesome..." and  "So am I accepted into the guarantee program?"  

Awesome!  I probably will e-mail them today, pull off the band-aid right?   It just feels like everything is dragging forward so very slowly, so I haven't rushed as there really is no point.  Surgery is in 2 weeks.  Blahhh!  I'm feeling very blahhh about everything.  Whatever...

Surgery Booked!!!

FINALLY! 

What a disaster!  I finally had enough on Friday and called the surgeon's scheduling nurse again.  This time she actually took the time to take my name and look for my file.  Only to realize my file is missing.  It hasn't been in the rotation to have the surgery booked.  I advised her I had called 2 weeks after my initial appointment and was given the brush off and told to wait until I get a call, and now your telling me 4 weeks later that you don't know where my file is!?!?!  She said she would get back to me by 2:00 that same day, and she would have a surgery date for me. 

I have a feeling they were running around with their tails between their legs!  LOL!  And dang right they should be.  I'm tired of being delayed because my file gets overlooked.

Good to her word she called and I am now booked for May 27.  They couldn't get me in any faster than that as my RE wants to be there during surgery.  Good enough for me!  I can do a month wait on my head!  I'm going to just keep doing what I am doing.  Working out 5 days a week, working 5-7 days a week, and getting the yard ready for summer!  That should keep me occupied...  Oh my gosh!!!  I also need to start looking at donor profiles!  Well looks like I do have things to keep me busy!

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Regarding my last post.  I have talked to Addie about hiding that type of info from me.  She knew D was in the wrong not to have told me.  And she knows I'm stronger than that.  I can handle and have handled quite a bit in my life, telling me about other people's pregnancies isn't going to break me... 

Consult Appointment

I had the consultation with the surgeon yesterday.  It was okay.  I mean how can you be excited about having your tubes removed.  The really tricky part is that there is no evidence from my surgery in 2007 to point to hydro.salpinges.  Which I find really odd.  But again I'm not a doctor.  I have only one tube that fluid actually got thru, slowely but it did and it ballooned.  The other tube is down as very sluggish and slightly clubbed at the fallopian tube opening.  No evidence of PID or endo.  Which is good.  But no one has any explaination as to why I have chronic cramping pain.  Or why when I do a transfer I have terrible stitch like cramps and if I cough or sneeze I have to hold onto my lower abdomen as the pressure is incredibly painful. 

What I'm trying to say is I'm still really confused.  It's up to me to have my tubes removed.  I've said yes.  But I wonder if I am just butchering myself and eliminating any chance of a miracle baby.  I know, I know the chances of us concieving the good ol' fashioned way are less than 1% especially considering my FSH and my tube situation.  But it's just such a final decision and no Dr. is telling me it is a must.  The one benefit of them being gone is I won't have cyst pain anymore.  Which has been a big part of my life.  I don't know what to do.  On one hand I would totally regret it if we carried on doing DE IVF cycles and having failures to turn around and have them removed 1-2 years from now.  But on the other...I lose all hope of a miracle.

Nothing about our journey has been easy.  At every corner we are forced to make some type of decision.  And you are always left wondering was it the right one.  No one will go out on the ledge and say DO IT!!!  I just wish I had some insight to know which way to turn.  Remove or don't, SG Shared cycles or Single Cycle locally...?  As the last attempt do you risk it and go for broke or do you play it safe and pay more?  I guess I better get back to painting and working out to get my mind off all of this.

To all my blogger's that are cycling right now, I think of you all daily and am hoping and praying you get what you deserve!  Much love to all!

ks