About Baby B

Those of you that have been with me from the beginning, know about Baby B.  Those of you that are new to my blog, might not.  I tend not to speak about bebe B very much.  I've had this post rolling around in my head for awhile now, but I've been nervous to post it.  I have a few followers who are twin moms and I follow a few blogs that are expecting twins, so I didn't know how they would like reading about the loss of one.  But...this is my place to let my feelings out, and this is something that has been weighing on my heart for 3 years now.

 

When I was first pregnant with Lola there was a second baby there, bebe B.  JD and I were ecstatic to say the least.  We had been hoping and praying for twins.  As we knew that our finances were going to dictate how many children we would have IF we had any.  And getting 2 for 1 was just awesome! We had always wanted 3 children.  So having twins felt like we might actually have the family we always wished for.

 

However...it was not to be...I lost bebe B due to a very large SCH.  We were devastated.  But we couldn't mourn the way we needed to.  We still had bebe A to worry about.  And everyone kept telling us, "it's okay, most people lose one and don't know it, it was God's will, etc..."  So I quit talking to anyone about it.  As these statements did nothing other than piss me off.  What happened that morning the SCH made it's presence known, there was no way you wouldn't know you were losing a baby.  There was so much blood.  And JD's scream when he saw it and me haunts me to this day.  It was a guttural scream of NOOOOOO! 

 

I feel guilty that I lost bebe B.  Even though I know it wasn't my fault.  And I'm so incredibly thankful that LolaBean made it.  I honestly believe that neither baby would have made it if the pregnancy had continued with two.  I was so sick all the way through the pregnancy.  And Lola's health was very precarious all the way through as well.  But it doesn't mean I don't have unresolved feelings about the loss. 

 

I wanted my twins.  I wanted my two babies that have that special connection.  I wanted that challenge of juggling two at once.  I wanted the joy of watching 2 little ones discover the world and each other together.  I carry this pang with me.  And there are times when I look at Lola and feel so very sad that I lost her womb mate.  

 

But the reality is we are so very lucky to have the family we have.  And I feel incredibly lucky that Lucy's pregnancy was so easy.  IF our family is complete, I will be fine with it.  I will always carry a special place in my heart for bebe B though. 

 

My point of this post though is this.  To admit that I have trouble with twin announcements.  I think because I wasn't allowed to grieve the little life we lost.  And because I am one of those not so great twin stories, I like to keep my head down and just say congrats and move on.   My life has been forever changed with my IF diagnosis.  I was never an envious person before.  And now...?  I get a little green eyed when it comes to fertiles, easy pregnancies and twins.  Great!  How much more of a sinner can I be?  But it is the truth.  I'm not proud of it.  But I can't hide from it.  And pretending that bebe B never existed has not helped at all.  I carried that little peanut for 17 weeks.  B passed at 8.5 weeks.  I saw my little one there beside Lola every week for 8 more weeks.  Crushing my heart every time.  I was left feeling empty when my body finally absorbed it.  Relieved but empty.  It's such a mix of emotions when it comes to a loss like this so early on.

 

I don't know if others experience this after losing one baby in a twin pregnancy (early on).  Everyone seems to move on from it because they are worried about the other baby, and then they never talk about it again.  But I'm going to talk about it.  I miss bebe B.  Even though you were only here for a very short time, you have a big place in my heart.  I wish things could have been different.  I wish I could have carried you and Lola in a healthy pregnancy and you two would grow up together.  But alas this could not be.  You were needed elsewhere at the time.  I love you B. 

 

 JD and I have discussed many times if this is it for our family.  And we honestly don't know.  There is no chance of a miraculous conception.  So it would have to be a full new DE cycle.     With finances the way they are now.  We are done.  But if something changes...We would definitely do another cycle.  But not for 3-4 years.  And what's funny is he would love it if there were 2 as well.  As he too feels like that is the unfinished business we have.  Like a challenge.  Maybe just maybe, with hopeful hearts...

 

...is it inconceivable...

Much Love!

ks

PPD - Yes or No?

No Running Diaries this week as I kind of sucked last week and only got in 2 runs.  But there just might be a reason for my lack of motivation...  Post Partum Depression.  Is this is it or is it just life stress catching up to me?  I seem to be a having anxiety.  It came on pretty soon after delivery and has increased in frequency of episodes since.  Now let me explain why I don't 100% believe this is PPD...

Okay I had written a large piece explaining everything but I have decided I don't want to share the specifics.  Let's just say things are rather precarious with our business' right now.  Lots of employee issues.  Lots of decisions to be made.  Some by choice some being forced.  And they are all scary.  One option leaves us in a better place stress wise but it may not be fees able to support our family and have staff.  So you can understand my anxiety.  I'm even having an anxiety attack just thinking about it....

But I have been proactive about this.  I spoke with my ob/gyn on Friday about it.  He has prescribed me something for the anxiety.  It's safe to take while breast feeding.  I have started it but I don't feel anymore settled yet and he did tell me it will take 1-2 weeks to kick in.  

I know my hormones are probably exasperating this, but I do tend to think that this is 3 years of stress from work just getting to the boiling point.  And there have been some issues with JD and I about the work problem that are just getting bigger and bigger.  I'm getting madder and madder and my anxiety is building as I don't think he truly understands my point.  He needs to realize that he needs to take care of us and let his family take care of themselves.  The extra $500 - $800 a month that he 'helps' them out every month is making the difference in us paying our bills on time and in full....  It NEEDS to STOP!!!!  He owes them nothing and we are his family we need to be his number 1 priority.  

All of this to explain that it is affecting my ability to parent my girls in the way I wish.  I'm so tense and stressed that I'm short with them.  And with Lucy having reflux and crying most afternoons for hours, I am a ball of knots.  Plus with the anxiety attacks coming out of nowhere at times...it's all just too much sometimes.

Okay I have to run...Lucy is wailing yet again...I'll keep you all posted if the medication actually works, or if I pull my hair out from the screaming infant!  Lol! 

Much Love!

ks

Lucy's Birth Story - Part 2

Okay so it is 1:00 and I am getting my epidural.  It was much easier this time as I wasn't swollen at all.  However the anesthesiologist had a complication she never has.  I had some spinal fluid ooze out of the injection site.  Which at the time I just shrugged my shoulders at.  Everything felt great.  I felt no pain what so ever.  The pitocin was turned on and we were getting things moving.  

By 2:00 I was starting to fell the contractions again.  I wasn't feeling pain necessarily, but I was feeling the tightening, and I was starting to get nauseas.  I sent JD to get me a ginger ale with ice and I asked my mom to check the monitors.  She looked at them and at the print out and says "honey you aren't having any contractions...?  What the heck are you complaining about...?"  At this point I was a little cranky and I said well then it is broken.  I wiggled it around a little and caught one on the monitor so I left it there.  My nurse came back in and said okay I'm going to crank the pitocin to full dose as it doesn't seem as though we are making a lot of progress.  Lol!  If only she knew!!!!  And she then passed my care off to another nurse as she went and had her lunch.

By 2:50 my mom and JD were getting a little stir crazy.  And I wasn't talking too much as I was getting the tightening nauseous feeling every 2 minutes or so.  My mom then convinced JD that they should go down to Timmie's for a coffee.  The nurse came back at this time and said "Oh yah you guys go...I'll cath her and top up her epidural, and check her."  We'll have a better idea of what is happening by the time you all come back...  Famous last words!  Lol!

My nurse at this point decided she would top up my epidural prior to cath'ing me.  So off I went to lala land again (I swear it felt like I drank a 12 pack to myself!), sh cath'ed me and then proceeded to check me.  As she is sitting beside me with her hands gosh knows where...She looks at me and grumbles "Holy Shit!"..."Guess how many...?"  I'm like "Oh god just tell me it's more than 3!"  She's like "honey you need to push like right now!  It's go time!"  She asked me to give her one push to see how good I was at this.  So I beared down and gave one push...she immediately said okay stop, stop, STOP!!!  We need to get the Dr in here and special care nursery....  And immediately she got on the phone and had everyone paged.  At this point I asked her to grab me my phone as I needed to get JD and my mom back to the room.  It was 3:05...

I texted JD.  I guess he was in the elevator when I texted him.  He and my mom were walking back into the maternity ward and they saw everyone gowned up and heading towards my room.  JD raced up to the Dr and was all "Hey what's happening?"  Dr.S laughed and said "Buddy you need to get in there!"  JD walked into the room ghost white with this funny smile on his face, coffee in hand with my mom running behind him!  It was quite the scene.  Upon seeing JD I immediately started crying.  I was so scared all of a sudden.  What if something was wrong from her pooping inside.  What if, what if, what if....And knowing it was the last time I was doing this just added extra emotion onto it.  My nurse was great, she calmed me down and JD hugged and kissed me and told me I could do this.  And that he loved me.

Last time in delivery my mom was able to hold one leg, but Dr.S likes to deliver sitting beside you holding your leg.  He even kept the bed in place (no dropping the bottom out).  So my mom was banished to a chair front in center...I yelled at her that there were to be no pictures of my HooHaa!  It broke the tension in the room.  Dr.S had the Special Care Dr's in the room for the delivery so they could suck out her lungs.  He advised me I had to pay attention to him, that we were going to get our baby girl out as safely as possible.  He told me when the contraction was coming and said I want you to push now for 10...I pushed...He said Oh my...okay 1 more...I pushed....He said stop at count 3...  He said okay ks I need you to do a small 50% push for just a 2 count....I did this 2 times, and her head was delivered.  The special care team came over and suctioned her lungs out...before she was even fully born.  Then Dr.S said okay 1 more little push and she's here.  And she was....screaming her way into the world!  She was PERFECT!!!!

I started pushing at 3:12 and Lucy entered the world at 3:20.  5 pushes and she was here!  JD and I were in a state of shock for the rest of the night.  It all happened so fast and so smoothly.  This time I was able to deliver the placenta, so I avoided the OR completely.  And for those wondering, no stitching was required.  I may not be very good at making babies, but man I can birth them!  Either that or I'm just blessed with small headed babies!  Lol!

Now I leave you with a teaser picture of Lucy's newborn photo shoot!

Much Love!

ks and the girls!

Lucy's Birth Story - Part 1

So as you all know I was scheduled for an induction.  Just to remind you, we were doing this because of all the problems I had with LolaBean's pregnancy and the fact that I still had borderline PAPP-A levels in this pregnancy as well.  So at 38 weeks my Dr decided it was pretty safe to induce labor.  And let me tell you, I was ready as well.  I was getting so uncomfortable.  It was really tough to breath, bending over was impossible, I was just generally at that stage where you are grumpy all the time...  And of course the week after I delivered we had a huge heat wave that is still raging!  So anyway onto the birth story...

We were supposed to be at the hospital at 8 am.  Well being we had a toddler to get ready and drop off and a pregnant nervous grumpy momma we were a little late...like 9am.  Lol!  We registered and got ourselves situated in the room.  The nurse came in and checked me (still 2 cm ) and got my IV going.  We discussed the epidural.  I was advised that the anesthesiologist was going to be very busy that day and that if I wanted an epidural I had better get it sooner rather than later.  I said yes please we can start it whenever the Dr is ready.  As I said previously I am not adverse to pain management.  I've felt what labor is like and I tend to have back labor so I would definitely be wanting the epidural.  Also I still worry about emergency c-sections so I'd rather already be drugged just in case so I don't have to be knocked out.  She said okay no problem.  She advised me my Dr would be in to see me shortly.  

Dr. S came in at around 1030 and we chatted for a bit.  He checked me as well.  Advised me I was having contractions but they were irregular and not very strong.  (I knew that)  He had to rush off to check on another patient but told me next time he would be back to break my water.  He returned at about 11 am.  As he was prepping to break my water I sort of prayed out loud..."God let it be clear!"  He paused and looked at me quizzically?  He said how do you know about that?  I said "Oh Dr S I know way too much information...I really don't want her to have already pooped!"  He assured me everything would be fine she was coming early enough...  He said okay it's probably not going to be a lot of fluid, you are not that big...  Lol!  And pop my waters were broke....And they were NOT clear.  Lucy had already pooped inside.  Dr.S and Amy our great nurse sat there and monitored the waters...It was about 10 minutes of leaking gushing fluid....Amy looked up and said that doesn't look like a little to me....She's in a pool!  I laughed I said no it didn't feel like a little amount of fluid to me...  

And just like last time once my water was broken the contractions started and kicked up in intensity.  My mom got there at about 12 and was on fire.  She walked in the room and said "Okay let's get this show on the road!"  Like I had any control over how fast this labor was going to be.  Actually her and JD were pretty annoying during my labor and regularly I would've been snippy with them, but I was so focused on breathing through and just getting through the pain to the next contraction that I tuned them out and laughed when I could.  

At 1:00 the anesthesiologist came in and administered my epidural.  At this time they were also hanging the bag of pitocin.  We had a little bit of trouble with my epidural....But I'll have to get into that in part 2 as this is getting long and I have to get the girls ready for the their photo shoot this morning. 

More to come tomorrow!

Much Love!
ks

Photo Post

Okay Blogger friends are you ready to be bombarded with pictures...?  Just to warn you there is 2 belly bump pictures enclosed.  I wanted to show you how large I really got!  Lol!

We were leaving for the hospital and Lola was rubbing my belly so we thought okay lets get a kissing shot!  For the last 3 weeks of pregnancy Lola was so loving to my belly.  Constantly patting at it and coo'ing at the baby sister that was coming.  Unfortunately she is still tapping my belly and saying tummy...Lol...So I guess if I want that to stop I have to get rid of the baby hump!  Lol!

It was so different getting to do skin to skin right after delivery.  Last time I didn't really get to meet Lola until 24 hours old.  This time I was able to breast feed while my Dr delivered the placenta.  What a huge difference this made to me.  We bonded and connected right away.  I will say though it all felt a little out of body though as it all happened so very fast, and my epidural was so high.  I kid you not I texted a friend at 3:12 and had Lucy at 3:20.  No one believed me when I kept saying I'm feeling a lot of contractions.  No pain but the tightening and I felt like throwing up with each one.  Apparently I'm really good with labor and delivery.  It doesn't hurt that I tend to have tiny little babies!  Lol!

Lola loves to hold her sister.  Well she did the first 3 days at least.  You can see how tired she is in this picture.  Spending 2 days with her 6 year old twin cousins will wear anyone out.  The first time Lola held Lucy at the hospital (Lucy was 3 hours old), Nana asked if she could hold her sister and Lola adamantly put her arm around Lucy tighter and said "NO!"  So I guess there is no question that Lola will be Lucy's protector.

Sleeping peacefully after some mommy milk.  It's funny from some angles the girls look exactly the same, and then others they look nothing alike.  It's really hard to tell considering Lucy is a pound and a half bigger than LolaBean was.  Plus she's 2 inches taller.  I really hope LolaBean sees the benefits of being a petite girl, because I think her sister is going to have her beat in the height department.

I don't know if I told you all her full name...But her full name is Lucy Jordan.  She is named after her Daddy. Since this is our last baby and JD will never have a son, I though he should still have a name sake.  I actually wanted her first name to be Jordan, but JD didn't want that.  And we were not set on Lucy at all.  We went into the delivery room with Peyton, Avery, and Lucy...  And after she was born I looked at my husband and I said you name her.  I couldn't decide.  And I was adamant about LolaBean so I though he should get the honors with Cupcake.  My mom still calls her snowflake.  And my FIL truly believes our 2 girls are complete miracles sent directly from God.  (I tend to agree)  I mean look at what we went through...  2 failed DE cycles, success on the 3rd attempt with twins, only to lose one to a SCH, and then HELLP syndrome with IUGR for LolaBean, 1 embryo left (frozen in time for 2 years) with less than 20% chance of success, and yet we did it!  With a perfectly healthy pregnancy and delivery.  I would definitely say that these two are miracles.  

And I hope by reading our story we give those others who have failed some hope.  Hope is a really hard thing to keep through out the IF battle....  I'll save my thoughts on hope for another blog post.  I'm off to get my toddler up from her nap.  Life is busy here, but I promise I'll be getting online more often now that we are finally finding our groove!

Much Love!

ks

She's Here!

Just a quick post to let you know that everyone is healthy.  Miss Lucy was born on June 29, 2013 at 3:20 pm.  She weighed 5 lbs 12 oz and measured 19 inches.  She is perfectly healthy.  I am doing pretty good (I think).  I forgot how all encompassing the sleep deprivation can be!  Lol!  I will post her full birth story and pictures very soon.  Right now I have a pile of dishes waiting for me and Cupcake is asleep right now so I need to tend to the house! 

Much Love!

ks

Final Day!

Today is my last day pregnant.  Ever...  Single tear...

Tomorrow I go in for an induction.  We had false labor a week ago that lasted almost a full 24 hours with no movement to the cervix.  And considering I had borderline PAPP-A with this pregnancy, my Dr thinks it's just better to get her out now instead of risking her and I and continuing on another 2 weeks.  I am happy about this decision as I am so sore and uncomfortable.  My hip, knees and back are killing me.

Initially I thought I would have liked to have gone naturally, but with a toddler to think about having a plan is just so much easier and less stressful.  While I am sad that this is it, I am really looking forward to being able to bend over again.  

Here's some honesty coming at you....

I'm terrified...

I'm so scared about everything.  I'm worried about LolaBean and how she is going to react to having to share her Mommy.  I'm worried about finances.  I'm worried that I'm not going to be good enough.  I'm worried that cupcake isn't going to be ready for the outside world.  I've had a few sleepless nights to say the least.  And that stinks as I know I have a lot more ahead of me.

Okay now onto better thoughts.

This pregnancy has been so much easier than Lola's.  I feel so much better.  I've just now hit my starting weight with Lola!  But I have gained 36 lbs.!  Yowza!  I am going to have to run a lot.  And unfortunately the running stroller I wanted is not happening so it looks like I will be running at about 430am in the morning before JD goes to work.  Argh!  This is going to be tough.  But I can do it.  I want to run a marathon next summer, so training is beginning in August!

I have no new stretch marks.  And the ones I have are on my thighs.  (post pregnancy with Lola)  So I am very lucky there.  My cravings this pregnancy were almost the same as with Lola's.  Burgers and Fries.  Everyday!  But I curbed it as much as I could and tried to get veggies in.  Lol!  But sometimes cake won over veggies!  LMFAO!  Oh well!  This is the last time I will ever be pregnant so I allowed myself to indulge.  I am very sad that this is it.  But with financing and my age we just can't even think about doing another cycle.  And like you all know Cupcake was our last embryo from our donor.  She was our last Chance.  What a fighter my girls are.  Little miracles the two of them.  I just pray that everything goes well tomorrow and that Miss Cupcake is healthy.

An update to come on Monday.  And I'm pretty sure it will be loaded with pictures.

Much Love!

ks

1-2 cm's and UpDates

That's where I am at today...well correction as of yesterday.  So it appears this little girl will be making her appearance early as well.  I'm really hoping I am one of those woman that just walks around 2 cm's dilated for like a week or so.  I would love to keep her cooking until at least 37 weeks, regardless of how uncomfortable I am.  

We also have our maternity photo's booked for Sunday (Father's Day) and I would really like to get those done.   But it's not up to me!

I'm still working and I don't know that that is really helping us any.  Since I'm up and down the whole day.  JD is scheduled to work the next 7 days straight.  So if I'm not here I'm home alone with Lola.  Our business life BLOWS the BIG Gigantic gonads right now...!!!!  Angry face!   I just know that when I do go into labor it's going to be this big freaking deal for our staff (only one guy) to pull his act together and get into the office.  He's always a nightmare when you ask for that little bit more out of him.  Through the last 2 years he is the only person that has gotten 1 1/2 days off every week and a weekend off every month.  Anyway...can you tell I'm a bit cranky?  Lol!  

Okay so now onto the updates...

Lola's 2nd birthday was a blast.  She had a fantastic day.  She had a surprise visit from Grandma and Grandpa!  She adores my parents.  And they spoiled her with a play cottage that she LOVES!!!  When she wakes up in the morning she looks out the window and screechs "My House!".  God Love Her she makes me laugh!  We took her to Chu.ckie Che.ese with her Nana, Uncle, Aunt and cousins.  She was very much over stimulated.  I think it was too much for her.  She wouldn't eat there, or even back at Nana's.  I think she was in overload.  She loves her cousins (the twins) and they just ramp her up, and then with her Grandparents all there, it was all too much.  We got home late (8pm) from our outing and she immediately ran into the kitchen, climbed into her chair and yelled at me "Eat Now Mommy!"  So suffice it to say she didn't get her to bed until 9pm.  And we still had not given her our present.  And we couldn't before bed as it is an outdoor present.  So she really had a birthday weekend.   We gave her her jeep Sunday morning and she immediately took her boyfriend Teo (as she calls him) for a ride.  They were so cute with their helmets on giggling to each other, neither one steering.  Everytime we open the garage and she sees her big pink jeep her mouth opens in this big O and her eyes get really wide!  It's so funny!  

Sunday was the first really nice day we've had in 2 weeks so we spent over 5 hours outside.  Lola was awesome all weekend.  And then of course Monday hits.  And now her 2 year molars are on the move.  She still happy but she's not eating a whole lot, and she keeps pointing at her mouth and saying hurt, mommy, hurt.  Poor thing!  

Okay now onto the doggie update.

Well...she lives!  Amazingly enough our old girl made a major turn on the antibiotics.  She appears to be doing much better.  The vet advised us the eye no longer looks as though it is going to rupture.  Thank Gosh!!!  She may take longer than a young dog would to heal and there may be scarring but she should be okay.  Now mind you she is still blind as she is that old.  But it's all manageable.  I know her time is very limited.  But I really wanted her to make it to this one's birth and I wanted her in Lola's 2 year photos.  Cheezie I know...whateves...if you aren't a dog person you won't get it.

Okay I'm going to go and eat and drink something.  Please pray these are just braxton hicks!  One more week cupcake, one more week!

Much Love!

ks

33, 34 and 35 Weeks at 35!

My apologies for my absence.  Everything is fine with CupCake and LolaBean.  We've had some work hiccups and some doggy drama that I'll expand on in a little bit.  But first let's get you all caught up on this pregnancy.

I seem to be nearing the end.  At my last Dr's appointment he advised me if I can make it to 37 weeks we will be looking at inducing me.  It's just too risky as I had HELLP syndrome last time.  He's not willing to take the chance.  Everything looks great though.  My blood pressure has been holding steady.  I had a growth scan a week and a half ago and baby weighed 5 lbs.  I've had 2 non stress tests and passed both with flying colors.  My weight is up, up, up!  Which is to be expected.  I had hoped to not exceed 25 lbs.  And unfortunately I am up 30 lbs. now.  But in 2 weeks I only put on a pound and so far this week, none.  I have started to swell though.  And by swelling I mean gigantic, to the point of bruising!!!!  I did way too much on Saturday and started swelling mid day.  Well the swelling finally went down to a reasonable level yesterday!  So that's 5 days!  I ate broccoli, asparagus and pounded the water for those 5 days.  I also had JD give me very painful foot and calf rubs to try to pull the swelling out.  I do think having a bath in Epson salts really helped too by the way.

We still have not 100% decided on a name for our little cupcake.  We are all over the map on names.  I'm a little anxious about it to be honest with you.  Her room is ready though.  Lola's is finished as well.  I'll post pictures of that soon I promise!  I am packing my suitcase tonight.  I just have 2 more things to purchase and then I am ready.  For some reason a part of me thinks this baby is going to come on her own.  I think it will be the last week of June though.  My employee thinks it'll be next week!  Lol!  Only time will tell.

This weekend is Lola's 2nd birthday!  What a big girl I have.  She sings, dances, speaks in sentences, tells me when she poops or toots!  Lol!  There are just so many changes at this age it is so hard to keep up with them.  Everyday she throws me a new curve ball.  She's such a happy baby!  I feel so incredibly blessed.

And yes as the title indicates.  I am now 35!  My birthday was not a big how do you do though.  I worked.  JD forgot to get me the cake I've asked for for 5 years.  I was really really hurt by that.  I had only asked for one thing.  A dairy.queen ice cream cake.  I've been asking for it since my tube removal surgery on my 30th birthday.  And I am still waiting....  He did however get me a nice thoughtful present.  But I am having him return it so we can put the money towards the double running stroller I want.  I know...But right now it's a matter of need over want.

I am still working.  On what was to be my last day my one employee up and quit on me.  No notice.  I have a better job offer today is my last day!  FUCK!!!!  This sucks!  So I am working until I really can't anymore.  Which means until my water breaks or the Dr induces me.  We are of course looking for someone, but the quality of people that have come in lately is depressing to say the least.

Onto the doggy drama.  It looks as though we are going to have to put down my dear old dog, Maddie.  I am so heartbroken about this.  She has had a great life though.  She is 13 1/2 years old.  She has recently gone blind (no biggy), but it appears she had an ulcer on her eyeball that has now infected and is trying to rupture.  Disgusting!  We have been to the vet and they want to send us to an animal ophthalmologist.  Not going to happen.  That would be a $500 walking through the door appointment.  And then what?  Surgery to remove the eye?  She's 13 1/2 with a bum neck.  I can't in good conscience do this to my old dog.  Sure my heart is breaking at losing her.  And I feel awful that the money factor is playing any type of role in our decision making process.  But we have to be realistic.  We have a newborn on the way, a toddler, me off work for at least a year, so taking care of a sickly dog and spending that kind of money right before things are about to get tighter around here...Not an option.  

So I'm sad...Sorry to leave you all on this note...But this is getting really long...  How about I leave you with 2 bump pictures?!

Much Love!

ks

30 Week Appointment

I had my Dr's appointment yesterday!  Not a moment too soon (I'll expand on that in a minute)!  Everything looks great!  My blood pressure is nice and stable.  My weight is great (I only gained 2 lbs in the last month!).  I passed my gestational diabetes test.  I however failed my iron (as expected).  So I've been prescribed iron supplements...Urgh!  I am now down to seeing him every 2 weeks.  Still no awful NST yet, but I'm sure they are going to be booked at my next appointment.  As I'm sure I will be having a growth scan in the next month as well.

Now onto the not a moment too soon comment.  I have been having some issues with cough, cough... going, cough, cough...You get my drift?  Anyway throughout the pregnancy it has gotten worse and worse.  Where I will go 3-4 days with out going.  And then when I finally do have some movement, I get awful searing intestinal pain which is causing contractions.  The pain is excruciating   It feels like my intestines are being ripped apart.  I get so blocked that even my derriere hurts...Then I know I'm about 1 day away from when I will finally go #2.  And trust me I've tried all the fruits, veggies, metamucil you can handle.  Nothing seems to help.  I even eat prunes for breakfast everyday.  So now that I've been prescribed an iron supplement, it seems I have to take more drastic measures.  I actually asked the pharmacist about a stool softener.  Gawk!!!  So embarrassing!   But something has to happen, I'm afraid this intestinal issue is actually going to throw me into labor!  Okay that's enough about my embarrassing issue...

Anyway the Dr is not concerned about much with my health.  But he did note that I am carrying really low.  And considering Lola was so low and so easily induced he thinks it might be a good idea to back off a bit at work.  Unfortunately my job has me on my feet a lot of the day.  And because I've already had boughs of swelling and with how low she is...well we just want to try to keep her in there cooking a bit longer.  So I told JD he's got me for 2 more weeks and then we will re-examine how I'm feeling.  

Lola's toddler room is almost finished.  I'm hoping to have it done this weekend!  I promise I'll snap some pictures of it.  And hopefully they will have Miss Diva in them as well!  

That's my update currently!

Much Love!

ks

Survivor's Guilt?!

Infertility is such an evil BITCH!!!  

I didn't participate in NIAW as I am Canadian and ours is in May.  But I did want to do a post on how my infertility is still affecting me.  

Ours was a long and unexpected battle.  As is most of yours.  We are one of the lucky ones though, we found success on our 3rd DE transfer with our 2 donor and our 2nd clinic.  And now blessed be we are expecting another little peanut with our last frozen embryo.  

I'm still and always will be infertile.  I have no tubes.  And I am POF.  But now I am an infertile mother.  It's a tricky place to be.  While I'm over joyed to be a mother.  There is still a bitter infertile inside of me.  And even worse, one emotion I wasn't expecting...I have guilt.  I made it to the other side.  And I know so many others who have not.  And I know how reading my blog can hurt you, or seeing my belly makes you cry inside.  I've been there...And I'm sorry.

My neighbor is also an Infertile.  One who found success and has 1 little boy.  They tried to get a cycle going for a second child for 3 months and her body just would not co-operate.  (she is annovulatory, so it's meds with timed intercourse or IUI)  Unfortunately the stress of cycling was just getting to be too much for her with all the monitoring appointments and disappointments, that she has decided to take a step back from trying.  We see them a lot as our babies are 6 months apart and love each other, and every time I see her she just stands there or sits with me and holds my belly.   And I let her.  Because I know she is remembering the feeling.  I know it makes her sad I can see it in her eyes.  And I wish I could say the right thing to make it not hurt.  But I know it doesn't matter what I say it's going to always hurt.  Just like I will always hurt from my diagnosis.  

I have recently hired a new employee.  She too is an infertile.  Her and her husband have decided to live child free.  I don't know what her diagnosis is.  But I have a feeling it's more of a situation where they just can't afford the treatments necessary to try.  I'm not even 100% sure she's ever had an official diagnosis.  I feel terrible when I walk  waddle my way into the office.  I feel like I'm rubbing her nose in my belly.  What's even worse is that my job is physically demanding to someone in my condition and I ache and swell a lot when I'm here.  So I have to catch myself from bitching or moaning too much about being uncomfortable.  She is aware of the fact that we had extensive treatments to be able to have children.  So she does know I am not a fertile turtle.  I don't know why that makes a difference but it does...  She seems to be okay with it though.  I don't see the sadness in her eyes, like I do my other friend.  But I'm still cautious of her feelings.

I guess all this rambling is to explain that infertility does not leave you once you have that baby.  There are new emotions that join in.  And because you've walked that path you try to find that balance.  You want to be empathetic, and thoughtful of other IF'ers still in the trenches.  But you want to surrender to the bliss you have found.  And it's okay too.  Just don't be surprised when some of the other feelings start to creep back in.  They won't be as intense but they will still be there.  

I think of it as though my infertility cracked a little piece of my heart.  And I don't think it will ever heal.  I will always have a small fracture from that day where I thought my dreams died.  But how wrong was I?  That day was the day that made me into the woman I am now.  I am strong, I am intelligent, and I am truly an empathetic personality.  And I found that I have the drive to keep fighting when everyone else says give up.

Keep fighting!  Keep researching.  Keep asking questions.  I keep you all in my thoughts and prayers!

Much Love!

ks

Uh Oh! Not Feeling So Good!

I hope I'm just being a worrier...  But...  I started retaining fluid on Thursday.  It was a really bad day.  I don't want to call it Braxton Hicks as it wasn't necessarily contractions but one that just didn't stop!  My back was killing me, my abdomen was super tight, and Miss AJ (Frostie) was moving all day...and I mean all day!  I had to take my rings off as my hands and feet were so swollen.  And that night I wrapped my feet in ice packs as they were so sore and uncomfortable.  

I weighed myself the next morning and I was up 5lbs.  I still didn't feel great on Friday, but I drank a ton of water and made sure I had asparagus for dinner, and by Saturday I was back down 3 lbs.  But...I had a massive headache.  I felt a little better on Sunday, and by Monday I felt good again, just tired.  But now today...I'm bloated again and I've got a raging headache.  

I remember all too well how everything went pear shaped on me with Lola.  Mind you it all started at 22 weeks and progressively got worse.  And the bonus is right now the swelling seems to disperse.  With Lola the swelling stayed and just got worse and worse.  I'm hoping that it is just I've over indulged in foods too high in sodium and not the start of the dreaded pre-e.  I really don't want to be on mag sulfate again.  And I was really hoping to avoid the awfulness that was my third trimester with Lola.  

So I'm drinking my water.  And trying to eat as many super veggies as I can to flush my system.  I had my prunes this morning.  As the going to the loo is still an awful issue for me.  (TMI ALERT) 3 days people!  It's been 3 days since I've last gone.  This is the one issue throughout pregnancy that drives me insane.  I already have a rocky digestive system and pregnancy just exasperates it.  Argh!  So I eat prunes, drink Metamucil, and drink as much water as I can and still I only average 2x a week.  Awesome!  

If anyone has any other tips as to how I can try to keep my blood pressure down and the swelling at bay, I am your appreciative listener.  

More to come!

Much Love!

ks

Hello 3rd Trimester! (Belly Pic)

This post will be pregnancy related so if you are not in a place as to read this...please feel free to skip it.  

I can't believe I'm this far along.  And I'm still almost fully functional!  Lol!  I say almost as I'm finding I can still do stuff, just a little slower, and then I tend to suffer for a day or two.  My long 11 hour days of work are almost over though.  My long day this week was Tuesday and I was on my feet for 10 of the 11 hours.  I was exhausted.  And my feet hurt so bad I almost cried.  So I cut out early yesterday and went for a pedicure.  Oh my was that heaven!  I will admit this week I have done too much.  I have painted Lola's wainscoting (2 coats on 9 panels), I have put the first coat on her bedroom (JD did the trim, I rolled), and I've worked.  So a little too much with taking care of a toddler and doing all the other wifey duties that call my name.  

I haven't weighed myself in the last 3 days but I was up a pound last week.  Making it a total of 21 lbs gained so far.  Yikes!  I was hoping to stay under 25 lbs, but whatever...  It's just a number.  I am officially exclusively wearing maternity clothes.  Even my shirts will not cover this belly anymore.  They are just too short.  One thing that kind of sucks though is I can not fit into any of my old maternity clothes as they are all huge on me.  But I'm really trying to minimize my purchases (JD would disagree) as this will definitely be my last pregnancy.  My belly button is officially out.  And out to the point where you can see it through my clothes.  I kind of hate that.  

The headaches...They seem to have tapered off.  Thank gosh!  The swelling is starting but it's not extreme and it always goes down after I sit and re-hydrate.  Hmmm...what else...Oh yah stretch marks.  Well I have no new ones.  And none on my belly.  They are the ones I got AFTER delivery with Lola on my upper thighs.  They are visible again.  I'm lotioning the daylights out of them and it does seem to be helping.  Only time will tell.

Well that's about all the pregnancy update for now.  I don't have another ob appointment until May 1.  And I have no idea about my next u/s.  Oh right the belly picture...Lol!  Here you go!  :)

Much Love!

ks

Connecting...

A girlfriend of mine asked me this the other day and it gave me pause...She asked "Are you feeling more connected to this pregnancy this time as it's your second?"  

I honestly had to pause to answer her...And to be honest...I lied...  I said I was feeling more connected, but that I was just so grateful for everyday that we are pregnant.  And that even if this doesn't end as it should I would still thank my lucky stars for getting to experience this twice.

Okay the grateful part isn't a lie.  But the feeling more connected part is.  I don't know if it's just me or, if it is some type of PTSD, or a defense mechanism.  But no I do not feel connected.  I feel pregnant.  I feel fat in that odd all out front hard soccer ball way.  I get winded easily.  I'm hungry and nauseous all at the same time.  And I feel her moving (not as much this week???).  But I don't feel 'the connection'.  I actually feel a little less connected this time then I did with Lola, which is really strange.

With Lola we had so much worry that she wasn't going to make it.  With Miss Frostie she's been fine the entire time.  And yet...I don't know...I can't explain it...  I think a big part of my disconnect is I have so little time for myself and my own thoughts.  I'm so busy with Lola, work, organizing the house, and just your daily life chores, that I have no time to focus on what's actually happening.

I'm prepping the house.  I'm nesting.  But I'm not connecting...  It's weird and I feel awful writing about this here.  But I need to be honest in case any of you find yourself in this same position once you reach success.  

With Lola I didn't actually feel the bond right away.  And it was slow.  There was this overwhelming love that grew like a fire.  But I didn't have it at the hospital or right away.  Mind you it could have been the magnesium sulfate and the ridiculously high blood pressure making me almost zombie like, but I still felt disconnected in a way.  And it really didn't improve too much or too fast.  Post partum hormones are a massive B!TCH!  I kept feeling like an impostor, and that I wasn't really her mom...Seriously I know it was all hormones but it was tough.

And I 100% know that it all stems from our infertility battle and having to use DE.  I can't pin point when everything changed.  But I do know that every night when I looked at her sleeping in her swing, or staring up at me while I fed her my heart pounded.  It pounded so hard I thought my chest would explode.  I was so in love with this little creature.  

So please if you are pregnant or when you get pregnant do not judge yourself too harshly if you don't feel that 'connection' right away.  It is different for all of us.  But I thought maybe one or two of you out there might benefit from knowing that I too have these feelings.

I have another post coming about PPD...I have a girlfriend having serious problems with this right now.

Much Love!

ks

99 Days Left!

Wowzer!  I can't believe we are down to the double digits.  It's time for an update on how this pregnancy is fairing.  

So far everything is great!  My blood pressure is stable.  I've had small boughts of swelling but it's always gone down after hydrating and putting my feet up.   The acid reflux is starting but I've managed it okay until now with tums or avoiding foods I know is going to cause it.  Little Miss Frostie is an active baby and lets me know she is there all the time.  I can actually watch her kicking me as my belly hops and shifts.  My weight gain isn't fantastic...I'm up 20 lbs now.  But I'm blaming it on the cravings that started last week.  I ate a whole birthday cake!  And it was no ones birthday!  Lol!  Plus the fact that I've been on Dr's orders to take it easy has meant I've been way less active than I would like to be.  But...this is all changing now!  My placenta is moving up.  It was at 1 cm now it is at 3 cm from the cervix.  So I've been advised I can relax a bit on my 'resting'.  Which means I am going to try to start using my at home elliptical   I'm aiming to start with at least 15 minutes a day and then move it up to 1/2 an hour as my confidence grows.  My body is missing the running.  My muscles are seizing up and just begging to get used.  I've had to drop Sunday yoga as it was cutting into our family time.  We don't have a lot of time where all of us are together and Sunday afternoon is our one day a week where we get to spend 4-5 hours together.  JD is on 60 days straight or some crazy S like that!  It's insane!

We still do not have a name picked out for Miss Frostie.  Nothing feels right yet.  We have a few contenders, but nothing that is like OH YAH THAT'S IT!!!!  So far we have Molly Jane, Peyton Jordan, or Jordan Jane...I don't know....

I've done oodles of work on the basement.  I am ready for the electrician this weekend.  He is coming to put in 5 outlets in the basement so we can have power in our 2 make shift guest rooms and our work out area.  Right now there is only one outlet for a 900 square foot area!  WTF!?!?!  Good job builder!  Once he's done I am going to start painting the wainscoting for Lola's new room.  This weekend while the electrician does his work in the basement I plan on washing the walls in Lola's room to prep it for painting.  I will also be removing the old curtains and hanging the new light fixture.  I plan on actually doing the painting next weekend!  And I'm sure Miss Lola is going to be a huge help with this.  

Well this post is getting a little long...  I don't have a new belly picture yet, but I will take one on the weekend for you...But don't fret...I'll leave you with some recent Lola pictures!  Ahhh My Love!!!!

Much Love!

ks

Success' Abound!

There have been some fantastic happenings in our blog community lately.  Two bloggers that I have followed for a long time, have very unexpectedly become moms recently.  Both through the miracle that is adoption.  I don't comment a whole lot on the blogs I read as I mostly read on my phone, but I'm always reading and cheering people on.  I had to post about these two stories because they just got me so darn excited.  

Patience and her husband from Searching for the Missing Piece was just surprised by a birth mother who dropped off her baby at a hospital with specific instructions that she wanted them to be the adoptive parents.  Of course there was a ton of red tape to go through until the birth mother's wishes could be fulfilled but none the less, they now have their son home with them.  And if all keeps going as it should they should be expecting their daughter's arrival soon as well.  They were right smack in the middle of an adoption with a birth mother who I believe is due in May (I think).  I pray that this adoption still goes through as well.  Patience and her husband have been through so much, and have prayed so hard for this baby girl that is on her way.  I really and truly hope the birth mother continues with her plan of placing her miracle girl with them.

And the second amazing story is SIF from Single Infertile Female.  She was at a work function when one of her coworker (of sorts) took a phone call and after hanging up exasperated asked the group if anyone knew anybody who is looking to adopt?  What are the chances?  And amazingly enough the birth mother and SIF hit it off and everything is a go.  From beginning of adoption call to delivery it might be a week (maybe).  The birth mother has been having irregular contractions for the past 3 days now!  And they only just met 3-4 days ago!  It's just beautiful!

I'm just so happy for our fellow IF'rs that get their happy endings, whichever way they come to us.  And seeing these two families finally achieve this is wonderful.  I wish all of us would find our happy endings. Why I felt a need to post these two stories is because both are so different and yet so similar.  Both had at one point or another lost hope.  Both were still trying to achieve their dreams yes, but they had both changed what they were envisioning.  One was directing their attention to fostering to adopt and older child and the other was resigned to have one child maybe...  And life just threw them a curve ball.  Sometimes the surprises and the bends in the road do in fact lead us to great things.

Tonight I will continue to pray for all of my fellow IF'rs.  And tonight as every night I will be grateful for everything I have and cherish every moment.

Much Love!
ks

19 Weeks - OB Appointment

First off let me say... Happy Valentine's Day!  I hope you all are surrounded with love today!

So 19 weeks!  Yahoo!  We are close to the half way point.  Well with us, this will probably be the 1/2 way point.  Unfortunately I didn't get all the results from my level II blood work at this appointment.  There was some delay in getting the results.  Little bummed about that.  Even more bummed that I now have to wait a full month for the results as my Dr will not phone them into me.  Oh well!  But if you thought this appointment was going to be uneventful you would be wrong.  Don't you know JD and my luck yet?!?!  Lol!  Turns out I have placenta previa.  Which is pretty common but still something to watch.  I'm under orders not to lift anything too heavy (I hope Lola doesn't fall into this category), no sex, limited time on my feet, no running, or biking, etc... You get the idea.  We will watch and see and hope it moves up.  If not I might be looking at complete bed rest and possibly a c-section.  (I'll get into my thoughts on that a little further down).

In other news though.  I'm feeling generally okay.  I've had a new pregnancy symptom pop up that I did not have before and it is super annoying.  Plugged sinuses.  And the sneezing, oh my lanta the sneezing!  I'm so tired of blowing my nose and crossing my legs to sneeze.  This lovely new symptom can go the F away at any time!  Lol!  Still having headaches too of course.  But everything else is fine.

My weight is okay.  I'm up 9 lbs.  My blood pressure still looks good.  My OB doesn't think all that stuff will start again until after 24 weeks, if it's going to start at all.  I'm still holding out with a positive attitude.  This pregnancy is going to be different.  I've definitely popped out.  I actually went and bought maternity clothes the other day.  I had to my stuff is way too big.  But I was very cost conservative and just did my shopping at Old.Navy as they were having a 40% off sale.  I picked up 2 skirts, 2 pairs of pants and 4 t-shirts.  The pants were $6 each, the skirts $20 and the t-shirts $7.  So not too bad.  I can still wear most of my jeans...most just not the skinny jeans.  But I seem to be a bit uncomfortable in them so I think I'm going to try to go shopping again tomorrow for some nice maternity jeans...we'll see.  

I had to stay home two days this week with Lola as she had a skin irritation on her mouth which resembled impetigo...(super contagious)  I took her to the Dr and got some antibiotic cream that seems to be clearing it up.  I totally disinfected the house, minus the floors as vacuuming is a little tough with her home.  She likes to be held while someone is vacuuming and I just can't do that.  But other than that everyone is good.  

I'll do a separate post on my thoughts about a c-section.  I've got a couple of blog posts saved in drafts that are coming too.  I promise no more blogger silence.  I was down for over a week with a computer virus and I hate blogging on my phone.  

Much Love
ks

Snow Baby is a ....

GIRL!!!!

I can't believe it!  I'm totally shocked!  I thought for sure we were having a boy!  JD has thought girl since before the transfer.  So he wasn't too surprised.  But he did laugh and laugh when he finally found out.  I bought a onsie that says Little Sister and put it and the 3D picture at his place at the dinner table for when he got home from work.  It was nice to surprise him with something!  

I thought I would feel a little sad that we won't have a son, but actually I'm really quite fine.  This will definitely be my last pregnancy.  We will never cycle again.  And I'm totally good with this.  My family feels complete.  We really just wanted Lola to have a sibling.  Someone to grow up with.  We really did not want her to be an only child.  And by God's grace we have been blessed with a second miracle.  Thank God for Science and a great team of Doctor's!  

So now the trouble of picking a name begins.  We have none to date that are stand outs to us.  Thankfully we have quite a bit of time.  And another huge bonus of this one being a girl is that I really don't need to buy anything.  I saved all the super cute fabulous clothes Lola wore!  So it's awesome to know that we only have to spend money on making Lola a toddler room!  I'm so excited!!!!  This all just became super real!

One more major milestone for us to pass is my next OB appointment on Monday.  I will find out all the results from my level II testing.  This is where everything went sideways with Lola with the PAPP-A.  I think everything is looking good though or else he would have mentioned something at my last appointment (I think).  I'll keep you all posted!

I'm off to shop maternity clothes on-line!

Much Love!

ks

17 Weeks - With Pictures

17 weeks!  Wow!  I can't believe everything is still just ticking along as it should.  I feel the snow baby almost daily.  Not enough that anyone else could feel it, it's just once you've experienced it you never forget the sensation, so I think you feel it sooner on number 2.  Okay let's get to the pictures...  the first picture was taken on the morning of the transfer.  Actually it was on the way to the transfer, hence the lack of heels.  Lol!  If you know me at all you know I always wear a heal unless it's snowing then I wear my Harley's...  But anyway in that picture I was 129 lbs.  Awesome!!!  The second picture I took yesterday.  You can see the belly has definitely popped out.  I think I am 135 lbs. right now.  I don't know I haven't weighed myself this week.  I feel a lot bigger than that though.  I'm a little afraid to get on the scale.  But I will say this today I am wearing the exact same outfit that I am in picture #1, it just fits a little snugger...  Lol!  

 

I haven't purchased or tried on any of my maternity clothes yet.  Mainly because I lent a lot of my maternity clothes to a friend and just haven't gotten them back.  The problem is the friend is the same size as me (roughly) and everything is too big for her as well.  So it sounds like I am going to have to buy some new pants.  And I think I am going to have to break down soon too.  Everything just feels uncomfortable lately.  It just all hits in the wrong spots.  

Health wise I'm feeling okay.  I've been battling a head cold for over a week now and that is dragging me down.  But other than that I'm alright.  I still am suffering from wicked headaches, but I'm getting used to them.  I have my level II ultrasound on Monday.  I'm hoping I will be able to find out the sex.  JD is not able to come to the appointment with me, so I just might not share if I do find out. Lol!  Who am I kidding I won't be able to contain myself.  This is when it became very real with Lola and I have a feeling it will be the same with snow baby.  

And no I have not made it back to the gym yet.  That is one thing that is really putting me a bad mood.  I just can't seem to find the time or the energy.  I know I would feel a whole lot better if I just went and did it, but honestly the hour of alone time in between work and picking up Lola is just so nice at the house...  I get the dishes done, I lay out dinner, I have a snack and a power nap.  I am still going to pre-natal yoga and that feels good.  I also am back to taking Lola swimming, but we are going on Sunday mornings now.  That's about all I have on pregnancy #2 updates.  

I thought I would leave you with a picture of the LolaBean.  She was on a nature walk with Daddy...Hence the joyous smile on her face.  She's a total Daddy's Girl.  

Much Love!

ks

Thoughts From a DE Mom

I realized I haven't mentioned my thoughts on DE in quite sometime.  And to be honest with you it's because I seem to forget for the most part.  It's not something that is constantly in the fore front of my mind.  Yes I am still very aware that Lola and I share no DNA, but there are still such similarities between us that it's very easy to forget.  She seems to have my personality.  She's a fire cracker.  She looks a little like JD but not much.  She has his slant of the eyes but that's it.  She's just Lola.  I don't look at her and see her donor, I look at her and I see my miracle.  My Lola.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that there aren't days where I am still very saddened by our journey.  But it doesn't have anything to do with DE.  The reason I have sadness is because of the amount of time we lost trying.  And the amount of tears, sleepless nights and the financial burden my diagnosis put on us.  And the one thing that makes me really sad is that it took us so long to end up at the right clinic and find the right donor for us.  I'm not 'old' by some standards, but I'm definitely older than when I had wanted to start having children.  

For us the idea of using a donor wasn't even something we really had to discuss.  We both really wanted to experience the whole pregnancy thing.  The expanding belly, the kicks, the appointments, the cravings, etc... It was something we had both dreamed off.  Maybe me more so than my husband.  And having DE as an option and the IVF technology available to us is just amazing.  We have many family friends that never had children.  And not for lack of wanting, but because this technology was not around when they were trying.  We are so very fortunate.

One thing I did consider when deciding we were going to go the DE route.  Was anonymity.  We wanted to be anonymous.  Not because of fear or anything.  It was more my take on the egg donation.  My Angel Donor was giving me a cell.  Only a cell.  They were not giving me a child.  They were giving me the chance at a child yes, but it would be my blood and my body supporting this pregnancy.  It was my husband's sperm making the egg into an embryo.  This child would be ours and only ours.  My donor was giving me hope.  And she understood that as she was a mother as well.  And in all honesty that is why I chose a donor who was a mother.  She knew and understood what she was doing.  And that she was just giving us a cell, just as some one donated bone marrow or blood.  They are giving someone else hope, life, a chance. 

I wanted to post this as I read a lot of blogs.  And I've read a couple lately where woman are struggling with the idea that they won't have a genetic child.  They are looking towards adoption instead of DE as they feel DE would be 'too weird'.  And adoption is a great path, but I just would like to assure you that DE is a wonderful path as well.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars for my child and the one growing in my belly right now.  

And in all honesty I'm very happy Lola doesn't have my genes.  She could have inherited my POF, or my thyroid disease.  And we've also recently discovered that my family has a very rare genetic type of brain cancer that most likely myself or one of my brothers will be affected with in our later years.  (no doubt it'll be me, because why the F wouldn't it be) Plus there is a lot of cancer in my family.  So we might have just dodged a massive bullet for our children.

So don't shut the door on DE.  Ask yourself what it really means to be a parent.  Is it just genetics?  And what are you most sad about.  Is it the thought of not having a Minnie Me, or is it the thought of not getting to experience pregnancy?  For me it was the pregnancy.  Getting to birth our child.  And that experience was the best moment of my life.

Much Love!
ks