Game Changer

With the news of the new IVF coverage here in Ontario, the impossible has now become the possible.  

Maybe.

JD and I had resigned ourselves to the fact that we were done having babies.  We both had always wanted 3 children.  And after having 2 girls...trying for a little boy would have been fabulous.  However the cost of doing a new DE IVF cycle was just not going to happen.  

With the change to OHIP, and them now covering 1 IVF cycle for anyone with a diagnosis of infertility.  We might actually be able to get 1 more cycle off the ground.  We would still have to find the money for the medications and to compensate the donor...Oh and we would have to find a donor...BUT the IVF cycle itself would be covered ($14,000).  So the cost just went to maybe $8,000.  Big difference!

Now mind you I am currently in school and set to graduate this year.  And I would like to get working and make some money again.  I haven't had a paycheque or my own money in over a decade!  I know crazy right...It just sort of happened.   JD used to give me a paycheque but then he stopped as he found a different way to claim to pay me that would cost us less in taxes (also meaning I made less on mat leave), then he just stopped paying me completely... So I miss feeling independent.  And I'm dying to not feel guilty about buying myself something.  

I predict that we will do nothing about getting a cycle going for at least a year.  But I think once I pass the probation on a job, I'll get the ball rolling again and get a referral back to a fertility clinic.  Start the search for a local donor...(argh!  a whole new DE post coming on this), contact a lawyer to draft the contracts, and get it all going....Maybe...

OR

We will continue with what we were already planning.  We are going to get a home study done this year.  And get on the list for a domestic adoption.  If it looks like a placement isn't going to happen before I am 40, we will then look into foster to adopt a pre-teen.  

I guess I was wrong when I changed my description of this blog.  We are still trying to build our family.  It just goes to show you that you never know what is around each corner.  And my heart wants what my heart wants.  I have a lot of love to give.  And my girls make my world a much better place.  I want more children.

Lots of Love to you all my Blog Friends!

And if any of you are also Canadian ...  Happy Thanksgiving!  I hope you are surrounded with those that lift you up and love you unconditionally.

All my best wishes!

ks

One Month In...

It all still feels a little unreal.  Lucy is here.  This last FET worked!  Oh my Gosh what did we do?!?!?  Lol!  

Life is a little crazy here.  LolaBean is adjusting pretty well, however, we are 2 years old.  And we are entering into the terrible twos.  Which if this is the worst of it, then we got pretty lucky.  Just too bad for LolaBean that Mommy and Daddy are so sleep deprived that their patience is nill these days.   But she has adjusted pretty well I think.  She loves to help with diaper changes grabbing the small diapers and wipes for us.  She will sit beneath us and change her dolly's diapers and wipe her poopy bum as well!  Lol!  She is too darn cute.  The trouble we have though is when Mommy is breast feeding.  We like to try to climb on Mom or steal her pillow, or jump up and down on the couch beside her or throw toys, you get the idea...Anything to misbehave to redirect the attention onto LolaBean and not LucyLou.  So here is where I am with breast feeding....

Do I throw in the towel and cry defeat?  

I'm taking the max dose of domperidone again and still not producing enough milk to be 100% breast fed. Now mind you this could also be my fault.  I am rarely pumping.  There really is no time when you are the only one home looking after 2 children and 3 dogs (one being blind and totally dependent).  And I'm very reluctant to breast feed in front of family and friends. Weird I know..  As I will breast feed in public no problem, but not on the couch with my FIL sitting across from me.  I don't know...I'm funny this way...  But anyway...LucyLou has been a right nightmare for the last week.  Gas pains like no tomorrow.  Up screaming most of the day and night.  Trouble pooping and tooting like a trucker.  And everyone says "Must be something you are eating!"   Now I don't know about the rest of you but that statement just makes me want to throat punch somebody.  I'm not eating anything funny!  No curry, maybe a 1/2 cup of a milk every other day, beef, chicken, asparagus, very little seasoning, like I said nothing weird...  So because I'm breast feeding am I supposed to just drink water and have soup broth for 6+ months?  And answer me this...Why is it only on week 4 of breast feeding that it has become an issue...Week 1-3 my diet was worse...More fats...

Anyway...  Because this is affecting LolaBean and breast feeding takes anywhere from 15 minutes to 1 1/2 hours, and she is getting a 60/40 split with formula already.  Should I just stop and try to enjoy my babies, and keep the stress on LolaBean to a minimum?  What would you all do?  Now please no breast is best...  I don't want to hear it.  This isn't my first rodeo, and I do everything I can to produce milk for my girls.  I breast fed Lola until 9 months.  Sure she was 30/70 breast/formula girl but I did what I could.  For someone who is menopausal with hashimoto to produce any milk is shocking, so please be kind.

Onto LucyLou.  She is gaining weight like a champ.  (most likely why I can't keep up with her)  She went from 5'12 at her 1 week check to 7'3 at her 2 week check!  And at that time she was only getting 1 bottle a day...(hubby was home more)  I would love to say she is an even tempered baby, and she might very well be but with this persistent gas issue right now we are getting a lot of screaming and sleeping with a furrowed brow.  Poor little cupcake.  

I better wrap this up...LucyLou needs a change and LolaBean needs to get some pants on!  Lol!  Ahhhhh life with 2!  Never a dull moment!

Much Love!

ks

Lucy's Birth Story - Part 2

Okay so it is 1:00 and I am getting my epidural.  It was much easier this time as I wasn't swollen at all.  However the anesthesiologist had a complication she never has.  I had some spinal fluid ooze out of the injection site.  Which at the time I just shrugged my shoulders at.  Everything felt great.  I felt no pain what so ever.  The pitocin was turned on and we were getting things moving.  

By 2:00 I was starting to fell the contractions again.  I wasn't feeling pain necessarily, but I was feeling the tightening, and I was starting to get nauseas.  I sent JD to get me a ginger ale with ice and I asked my mom to check the monitors.  She looked at them and at the print out and says "honey you aren't having any contractions...?  What the heck are you complaining about...?"  At this point I was a little cranky and I said well then it is broken.  I wiggled it around a little and caught one on the monitor so I left it there.  My nurse came back in and said okay I'm going to crank the pitocin to full dose as it doesn't seem as though we are making a lot of progress.  Lol!  If only she knew!!!!  And she then passed my care off to another nurse as she went and had her lunch.

By 2:50 my mom and JD were getting a little stir crazy.  And I wasn't talking too much as I was getting the tightening nauseous feeling every 2 minutes or so.  My mom then convinced JD that they should go down to Timmie's for a coffee.  The nurse came back at this time and said "Oh yah you guys go...I'll cath her and top up her epidural, and check her."  We'll have a better idea of what is happening by the time you all come back...  Famous last words!  Lol!

My nurse at this point decided she would top up my epidural prior to cath'ing me.  So off I went to lala land again (I swear it felt like I drank a 12 pack to myself!), sh cath'ed me and then proceeded to check me.  As she is sitting beside me with her hands gosh knows where...She looks at me and grumbles "Holy Shit!"..."Guess how many...?"  I'm like "Oh god just tell me it's more than 3!"  She's like "honey you need to push like right now!  It's go time!"  She asked me to give her one push to see how good I was at this.  So I beared down and gave one push...she immediately said okay stop, stop, STOP!!!  We need to get the Dr in here and special care nursery....  And immediately she got on the phone and had everyone paged.  At this point I asked her to grab me my phone as I needed to get JD and my mom back to the room.  It was 3:05...

I texted JD.  I guess he was in the elevator when I texted him.  He and my mom were walking back into the maternity ward and they saw everyone gowned up and heading towards my room.  JD raced up to the Dr and was all "Hey what's happening?"  Dr.S laughed and said "Buddy you need to get in there!"  JD walked into the room ghost white with this funny smile on his face, coffee in hand with my mom running behind him!  It was quite the scene.  Upon seeing JD I immediately started crying.  I was so scared all of a sudden.  What if something was wrong from her pooping inside.  What if, what if, what if....And knowing it was the last time I was doing this just added extra emotion onto it.  My nurse was great, she calmed me down and JD hugged and kissed me and told me I could do this.  And that he loved me.

Last time in delivery my mom was able to hold one leg, but Dr.S likes to deliver sitting beside you holding your leg.  He even kept the bed in place (no dropping the bottom out).  So my mom was banished to a chair front in center...I yelled at her that there were to be no pictures of my HooHaa!  It broke the tension in the room.  Dr.S had the Special Care Dr's in the room for the delivery so they could suck out her lungs.  He advised me I had to pay attention to him, that we were going to get our baby girl out as safely as possible.  He told me when the contraction was coming and said I want you to push now for 10...I pushed...He said Oh my...okay 1 more...I pushed....He said stop at count 3...  He said okay ks I need you to do a small 50% push for just a 2 count....I did this 2 times, and her head was delivered.  The special care team came over and suctioned her lungs out...before she was even fully born.  Then Dr.S said okay 1 more little push and she's here.  And she was....screaming her way into the world!  She was PERFECT!!!!

I started pushing at 3:12 and Lucy entered the world at 3:20.  5 pushes and she was here!  JD and I were in a state of shock for the rest of the night.  It all happened so fast and so smoothly.  This time I was able to deliver the placenta, so I avoided the OR completely.  And for those wondering, no stitching was required.  I may not be very good at making babies, but man I can birth them!  Either that or I'm just blessed with small headed babies!  Lol!

Now I leave you with a teaser picture of Lucy's newborn photo shoot!

Much Love!

ks and the girls!

Connecting...

A girlfriend of mine asked me this the other day and it gave me pause...She asked "Are you feeling more connected to this pregnancy this time as it's your second?"  

I honestly had to pause to answer her...And to be honest...I lied...  I said I was feeling more connected, but that I was just so grateful for everyday that we are pregnant.  And that even if this doesn't end as it should I would still thank my lucky stars for getting to experience this twice.

Okay the grateful part isn't a lie.  But the feeling more connected part is.  I don't know if it's just me or, if it is some type of PTSD, or a defense mechanism.  But no I do not feel connected.  I feel pregnant.  I feel fat in that odd all out front hard soccer ball way.  I get winded easily.  I'm hungry and nauseous all at the same time.  And I feel her moving (not as much this week???).  But I don't feel 'the connection'.  I actually feel a little less connected this time then I did with Lola, which is really strange.

With Lola we had so much worry that she wasn't going to make it.  With Miss Frostie she's been fine the entire time.  And yet...I don't know...I can't explain it...  I think a big part of my disconnect is I have so little time for myself and my own thoughts.  I'm so busy with Lola, work, organizing the house, and just your daily life chores, that I have no time to focus on what's actually happening.

I'm prepping the house.  I'm nesting.  But I'm not connecting...  It's weird and I feel awful writing about this here.  But I need to be honest in case any of you find yourself in this same position once you reach success.  

With Lola I didn't actually feel the bond right away.  And it was slow.  There was this overwhelming love that grew like a fire.  But I didn't have it at the hospital or right away.  Mind you it could have been the magnesium sulfate and the ridiculously high blood pressure making me almost zombie like, but I still felt disconnected in a way.  And it really didn't improve too much or too fast.  Post partum hormones are a massive B!TCH!  I kept feeling like an impostor, and that I wasn't really her mom...Seriously I know it was all hormones but it was tough.

And I 100% know that it all stems from our infertility battle and having to use DE.  I can't pin point when everything changed.  But I do know that every night when I looked at her sleeping in her swing, or staring up at me while I fed her my heart pounded.  It pounded so hard I thought my chest would explode.  I was so in love with this little creature.  

So please if you are pregnant or when you get pregnant do not judge yourself too harshly if you don't feel that 'connection' right away.  It is different for all of us.  But I thought maybe one or two of you out there might benefit from knowing that I too have these feelings.

I have another post coming about PPD...I have a girlfriend having serious problems with this right now.

Much Love!

ks

Thoughts From a DE Mom

I realized I haven't mentioned my thoughts on DE in quite sometime.  And to be honest with you it's because I seem to forget for the most part.  It's not something that is constantly in the fore front of my mind.  Yes I am still very aware that Lola and I share no DNA, but there are still such similarities between us that it's very easy to forget.  She seems to have my personality.  She's a fire cracker.  She looks a little like JD but not much.  She has his slant of the eyes but that's it.  She's just Lola.  I don't look at her and see her donor, I look at her and I see my miracle.  My Lola.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that there aren't days where I am still very saddened by our journey.  But it doesn't have anything to do with DE.  The reason I have sadness is because of the amount of time we lost trying.  And the amount of tears, sleepless nights and the financial burden my diagnosis put on us.  And the one thing that makes me really sad is that it took us so long to end up at the right clinic and find the right donor for us.  I'm not 'old' by some standards, but I'm definitely older than when I had wanted to start having children.  

For us the idea of using a donor wasn't even something we really had to discuss.  We both really wanted to experience the whole pregnancy thing.  The expanding belly, the kicks, the appointments, the cravings, etc... It was something we had both dreamed off.  Maybe me more so than my husband.  And having DE as an option and the IVF technology available to us is just amazing.  We have many family friends that never had children.  And not for lack of wanting, but because this technology was not around when they were trying.  We are so very fortunate.

One thing I did consider when deciding we were going to go the DE route.  Was anonymity.  We wanted to be anonymous.  Not because of fear or anything.  It was more my take on the egg donation.  My Angel Donor was giving me a cell.  Only a cell.  They were not giving me a child.  They were giving me the chance at a child yes, but it would be my blood and my body supporting this pregnancy.  It was my husband's sperm making the egg into an embryo.  This child would be ours and only ours.  My donor was giving me hope.  And she understood that as she was a mother as well.  And in all honesty that is why I chose a donor who was a mother.  She knew and understood what she was doing.  And that she was just giving us a cell, just as some one donated bone marrow or blood.  They are giving someone else hope, life, a chance. 

I wanted to post this as I read a lot of blogs.  And I've read a couple lately where woman are struggling with the idea that they won't have a genetic child.  They are looking towards adoption instead of DE as they feel DE would be 'too weird'.  And adoption is a great path, but I just would like to assure you that DE is a wonderful path as well.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars for my child and the one growing in my belly right now.  

And in all honesty I'm very happy Lola doesn't have my genes.  She could have inherited my POF, or my thyroid disease.  And we've also recently discovered that my family has a very rare genetic type of brain cancer that most likely myself or one of my brothers will be affected with in our later years.  (no doubt it'll be me, because why the F wouldn't it be) Plus there is a lot of cancer in my family.  So we might have just dodged a massive bullet for our children.

So don't shut the door on DE.  Ask yourself what it really means to be a parent.  Is it just genetics?  And what are you most sad about.  Is it the thought of not having a Minnie Me, or is it the thought of not getting to experience pregnancy?  For me it was the pregnancy.  Getting to birth our child.  And that experience was the best moment of my life.

Much Love!
ks

Waiting...

It's Beta Day...And I'm nervous...  I was the second person at the clinic this morning.  I think I should be getting a call within the hour...or I'm hoping...  I don't know...

I feel so blessed to even be here.  I never thought I would ever get a chance to get pregnant once let alone twice!  And in all honesty it is the reason I have peed on 9 yes 9 HPT.  LOL!  Because looking at 2 solid lines just never gets old, especially when you never get to pee on anything!  Hahahaha!

But in all honesty.  LolaBean is more than I ever imagined.  And you know if things don't turn out as they should...I'm okay with just her.  She fulfills me more than I ever would have thought.  I'm so full of love for this child.  And it's because of this love why I wanted to try for a second.  I don't want her to be lonely.  I want for her to have the joy of having a sibling to play with, to confide in, to tease, to love.

But I still feel selfish for wanting this.  And this is truly only an infertile's feelings.  Most normal people don't feel selfish for wanting a second child.  But we do...Because there are so many of us still waiting for their firsts.  Oh how I wish for all of you to get your first.  I pray that you get to experience these joys that I cherish every day.  And I do cherish them.  Every moment.  I thank God for blessing us.

To Be Continued....

9DP 5DT FET

First off...Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments.  I love this community.  

The line(s) are still there and getting darker everyday.  Woot!  Woot!  My official beta isn't until Monday November 5th.  SG likes to wait the full 2 weeks!  Arrrgghhh!  But it's okay I have 3 more pee sticks and I plan on picking up on of those fancy digital ones for Monday morning!  LOL!  POAS crazy!  Yes I am!

So this FET was a 5 day blast.  It was thawed at 10am the morning of the transfer.  And the transfer actually took place at 12:30.  SG does assisted hatching with FET's, so they had done that after they thawed it and examined it to make sure it had survived and was dividing again.  I was given a picture of it and that picture is currently in Lola's room below her first picture.  I thought we would keep it there for luck!  

For future reference I am going to do a quick run down of all the symptoms I've had in this 2ww.

• cramping.
• sore uterus
• nausea (started at 4 days post and has continued)

And that's it!  I have no sore tata's.  I've had a few little headaches but I think that's from me not drinking enough water.  My rear end hurts like heck, but also that is from the shots.  The nausea has been the biggest indicator for me.  And that one has been the most unnerving as I only had a little at the very beginning with Lola's pregnancy...and that was only when I was carrying 2.  When I lost baby B the nausea quickly subsided.  

I'm super thankful to have made it this far.  I'm taking everyday as a celebration.  Even if this doesn't go the way we want I will always revel in the fact that we were able to get pregnant twice.  The IF side of me though likes to nag me with what ifs all day.  I just keep pushing them aside though and tell myself that today I am pregnant and I plan on staying that way until I am told otherwise.

We are praying really hard for a great beta on Monday.  And hopefully with fantastic doubling numbers on Wednesday.  I though about calling to see if I could get an earlier blood draw say tomorrow, but thought, no...don't rush it...just enjoy the PUPO phase.  So that's what I'm going to do.

Thanks again Blogger friends for all your warm thoughts and prayers.  I'll keep you all posted!

Much Love!

ks

Oh my gosh I just looked at betabase...I need a 400 or higher on Monday for it to be a good beta!  Oh please oh please let this be real!

7DP FET

About an hour after my last post!  I snuck upstairs and poas...And lo behold...a shadowy second line appeared!  For all you POAS addicts out there...

I'm going nuts!  Is the line getting darker?  Is this a chemical?  Oh please!  Oh please! Please 'snowbaby' stick around!  

Gosh the 2ww is mind blowingly stressful!!  I forgot just how nerve wracking this is!  Okay maybe I didn't.  But I tried to tell myself I would be okay this time even if I did start getting positives...And I'm not!  This is the IF knowledge that stinks!  We all know of too many chemicals or early miscarriages.  Heck we know of too many horrible endings in general.  Arrrggghhh  IF you old BITCH!  Back off and let me enjoy this!

Much Love!

ks

PS
And please do weigh in...Does this look okay for 7 days post?

5DP FET

And I still haven't POAS!  I know crazy right?!  I'm too scared...  What if it's negative?  What if this didn't work?  I don't want to pop the bubble too soon...But at the same time I want to know...Arrgghhh!  This whole IF business is a real kick in the uterus!

How am I feeling...Well...Most of my weird little symptoms could be from the PIO or it could just all be in my head!  But I'll write them down for future reference.  As I know I've been scrolling the Internet for others going through the 2ww...

Achieness in my uterus...Check

Waves of nausea ..Check...which is really weird for me as I've never had morning sickness...I think it might be stress related or being over tired.

And folks that's it...I have no sore tatas...no tugging or pulling sensations in my uterus.  Nothing.  So as you can see there is absolutely no way to know one way or the other what is actually going on in there.  JD has asked me not to POAS.  He wants me to wait until Tuesday.  I see his point.  We are enjoying this time of being in the moment and PUPO.  And really who wants to be proven otherwise when there is nothing you can do about it.  SIGH!!!

I know I'll make it through a negative...as I swear I have the sweetest baby.  She has now started in the morning just calling for me in this tiny little happy voice.  Mommy....Dada...Mommy...Dada...?  Oh my gosh it just melts our hearts!  Before she always just chattered, but now she knows who she wants and she wants us!  *heart expanding*.  The first 2 nights of us being home she was getting up and calling us in the middle of the night.  I think she was afraid we were gone again.  Poor little mite!  But sure enough one of us would go in and lay her down and she'd happily go back to LALA land!  LOL!  

On a side note!  I am so over the moon excited for Will and Mo!  It just fills my heart to know that they are finally reaching their happy ending.  And I am so glad she is going to get to experience that heart exploding love that stays for the next (I don't know) 18 years of life with your child!  Congratulations Will & Mo!  I wish you all the joy in the world with Ms. Magpie!

2DP FET

And how am I felling?

Well....

Not so good actually!  

The emotions that go with all of this are so hard to navigate.  One minute your up, the next you are down.  Right now I'm down.  The stats are what they are.  FET's do not have as good of stats as fresh.  Yes they've come along way, but even with a fresh transfer there is no guarantee.  

I've been crampy and sore since the transfer.  Now this could be because I ran 2 miles before the transfer, so my abs could be a little sore.  I don't know.  

I know I had cramping with my last transfer but it was different.  This cramping doesn't feel positive.  This cramping feels like my body is trying to release my little embryo.  I don't know...And really you can't know anything 2 days post a 5 day transfer.

Now onto other news...  

Coming home to Lola!  It was the best thing in the world to see my little girl.  I feel awful though as now she is having trouble letting me even go to the bathroom!  This morning dropping her off at the sitter was a nightmare!  She had to be picked up and turned away while I snuck out the door!  Sniff...sniff..  my sweet little girl!

I'm going to stay home with her tomorrow and the weekend so hopefully she will get back to normal.  I'm not really supposed to be picking her up, but OMG that is impossible not to!  She only wants her Mommy right now.  And she doesn't understand.  So yes I've had to pick up my 20 lbs daughter a number of time since I got home last night.  That being yet another reason why I think this isn't going to work.

Oh sigh!  

Anyway I have a picture post of all our fun times in Washington coming very soon!  And I leave you with this question...When do you think I should start peeing on those sticks!  LOL!  I have 8 waiting!

Much Love!

ks

PUPO!

Just a quick post to let you all know that Frostie made it!  Our little snowbaby is on board and hopefully nuzzling in for the long haul!  More to come at a later date!  I'm off to eat a Kris.py Kreme and watch some NewGirl!

Much Love!

ks

Hurdles

So here it is...we are 6 days away from the big thaw...I'm freaking out...

We finally cleared up all the family drama yesterday.  I do expect a little more to come in the following days. But I've already made back up arrangements for Lola, so I'm not going to stress about it.  And it's JD's family so I'm staying out of it.  He knows all to well how I feel, I don't need to remind him.  

Tomorrow I have my u/s and b/w to see if everything is thickening up as it should be.  If that is okay, I will start PIO's Thursday morning.  Eeeek!!!  I started my antibiotic on Monday as I wanted to be finished it on the day of the transfer.  I'm so ridiculously nervous about all of this...

There are still so many more hurdles to get over yet.  

• lining and estrogen at the right levels.
• Lola's sitters in place. (that's the drama)
• Frostie surviving the Thaw
• Transfer
• Pregnancy Test...duh duh DUHHHHH!!!

God I just want to make it to transfer right now.  I can't even focus on the possibility of a pregnancy test at this moment.  I just keep reminding myself one breath at a time.  Pace it out like I would a run.  One mile at a time, one hurdle at a time.  Deep breaths...In...Out...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Even though I am Canadian I observed yesterday's Pregnancy / Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I lit two candles at dinner and had them burning all night.  I placed suk suk's in front of each in memory of all of our babies.  I cried about our loss'.  I mourned Baby B.  

I snuggled my baby girl last night before bed.  I breathed in her sweet smell.  I whispered in her ear how much we love her.  I cherished my blessings last night.  

Much Love!

ks

Musings of an Infertile...

From the second my alarm clock went off this morning at 4:50 a.m. I've been reflecting on what IF has given me and taken away from us.  I don't know if it's because I am being overdosed on estrogen, or from the complications between JD and I, or that today is Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Day but today I have been stepping back and really thinking about all that has gone on and where my emotions play into this.

Bear with me here...this may be a little all over the place...

Am I hyper sensitive when it comes to my daughter?

Maybe I am...  But to be honest with you I don't think so.  I'm not a rigid schedule keeper.  I'm not one who runs to her every time she falls.  My child is spoiled with love but not coddled to death.  But she is MY daughter.  And I do know what is best for her.  Regardless of what my MIL may say or think I know my LolaBean and I know what needs to be done when we are gone to keep her functioning at her usually sunny content attitude.  Listen people it's not a miracle that my baby is such a happy baby...It's because we make sure she is a happy baby...By sticking to her routine...giving her foods she likes to eat...keeping her in her environment...making sure she naps...generally letting Lola be Lola and carefree in her own known safe environment.

Do I Expect Special Treatment Because we are Cycling?

No...Not really... I don't think I'm in the wrong to expect those closest to us to understand that what we are going through is extremely stressful and that I am currently on a butt load of meds.  I would expect family to not put unnecessary stress and strain on us at this time.  But I do not expect work to stop being well work and Lola from being Lola etc...

Do I Always Expect Pregnancy Announcements to Go Bad...?

Yes...And this one makes me very sad.  But yes, because of infertility and all that I have witnessed I do tend to suck in my breath when someone makes a pregnancy announcement.  And I watch from afar waiting for that BOOM to drop.  It's terrible...  I don't wish any ill will on anyone.  But it has driven me insane watching 3 people announce their pregnancies at barely 6 weeks pregnant!

Am I Jealous of Fertiles?

Yes..yes..yes...  Sad but true.  The 3 announcements on FB I spoke about are all close to delivering now.  And dang it it just kills me that they all had it so easy.  Not that I want them to have it hard like the rest of us IF'ers but I just wish that it could be easier.  I wish that I didn't know that today was infant and pregnancy loss day.  I wish that we could all have happy accidents happen.  But we can't and that still makes me cry on my way into work in the mornings.  (one of the announcements actually joked at 6 weeks pregnant that his girlfriend had to be having twins as she was already so bloated...and yup...twins...boy/girl!  No fertility treatments, a total accident!)

Am I a Colder Person Because of Infertility?

Maybe a little when it comes to some things.  I don't know if it's actually that I am colder or stronger...?  With all the fighting and no talking over the weekend I didn't cry once.  With the thought that hope could die for us on next Tuesday...I still haven't cried.  I did cry this morning thinking of Baby B and how much I would have loved LolaBean to have had a twin sibling to be with all the time!  But the things that used to make me cry...I find I turn inwards instead and hold a lot back.  Maybe it's more self preservation that anything.  If I allow those flood gates to open again...I don't know if I'll be able to control it again.

Do I Feel Defeated?

Yes I do!  And I hate that I feel this way.  We've been through so much.  And I just feel beat down.  I mean 2 full donor cycles.  18 embryos and 1 successful pregnancy (coupled with the loss of her twin) an now 1 tiny little piece of hope hanging on.  I mean really...Look at our stats.  Do you really think this FET has any chance?  And in the last two years our financial situation has changed so drastically that this just might be the last go at the bucket, so to speak.  I feel negative, I feel angry, I feel stressed, I feel defeated.   

Infertility has won.  It has taken my dreams away from me...It has taken my financial security away from me. It has robbed me of my joy for others.  It has brought out traits in myself that I do not like.  I always thought of JD and I as survivors.  Even before IF.  Our mantra has always been "We'll be okay, we always bounce!"  I don't know that I can bounce anymore.  I don't know if I can go back to who I was.  I do know that I will keep on being the best mother I can be for LolaBean.  But the rest of my heart, feels like it might always be a little heavier...

Much Love!

ks

I will be lighting candles tonight for all of our lost babies.  I will hug and kiss my little girl with everything that I have.  I will also kiss my husband.  And I will make sure they all know how very much they both mean to me.  I'm sorry for the heavy post(s) this week, but here it is...I'm laying myself and all my IF emotions out there.

Oh My Gosh!

We leave next Sunday!!!  WE leave next Sunday!!!  WE LEAVE NEXT SUNDAY!!!

WTH?!?!?

How is it possible that this waiting has flown by?  So fast in fact that I forgot to start my prednisone on Tuesday morning.  LOL!  I ended up taking it Tuesday night, so what eves!  But seriously...How does an FET sneak up on you?

And yesterday was our 'concieve-aversary'!  Lola was created exactly 2 years and 1 day ago.  Sniff sniff, single tear...  My sweet baby girl.  These anniversaries are so etched into our memories.  It was on 11/11/10 we got to see our miracle growing inside me.  What special memories this month holds for JD and I.

It was actually 4 years ago that we started the DE journey.  We flew out at the end of October and had the transfer the first week on November.  Of course that didn't turn out as planned...But we know a whole lot more now than we did then.

We've actually discussed what we would do if this fails...We have a plan...we just don't have the funds to do anything about it right away...Any way we aren't going to talk about failing.  We are going to focus on the positives...well I'm going to try!

The meds are going okay I think...I mean I don't have u/s eyes or anything...so I think everything is ticking along as it should be.  I started the prednisone and I start the antibiotics next Tuesday.  Shoot!  I just remembered I'm supposed to pick up my PIO this week from the local clinic.  I guess I should get on that.  

I got knocked down with the flu this week, so that took me out of action for a bit.  I'm back up and at em now as I have no other choice.  I would love LOVE to be at home in pj's doing nothing for one full day but alas that is not in my future!  

Oh well!  I'm off to continue fighting with some downloads I've been working on for the last hour!  LOL!  I am so NOT tech savvy!  LOL!

Much Love!

ks

Starting FET Prep & Whoops!!!

Ugh!  (smacking forehead)  I thought for sure I wrote down my protocol for our last DE IVF cycle.  But I have scoured the history for 2 days now and I can not find it anywhere.  Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  Why oh why did I not write it down.  I'm usually pretty OCD about all of this stuff.  

So here's the complication...

No one can remember when I took the prednisone.  Actually no one can remember me taking the prednisone at all!  Except me of course.  I know I took it because I felt like super man on it.  I know we talked about it with all the Dr's because of my Hashimoto, but no one can remember who prescribed it or when during the cycle I took it.  

I think I took it at the same time as the antibiotics.  But I'm not 100% sure!  For some reason I have a feeling I took it after the transfer too, but that doesn't seem right.  Does it???  AyAyAyAy!

Anyway...To avoid this happening again.  I am posting my protocol right now!

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FET #1 (an only from DE IVF #3)

Estrace 2mg 3x daily (orally) for the first 2 weeks

Estrace 2mg 3x daily (vaginally) to continue throughout

Prednisone to start Oct 9, 5mg once daily for 14 days

Dexamethasone to start Oct 16, once a day for 7 days

PIO to start on Oct 17...1 cc...(I'll have to double check on that)  

Thaw and hopeful Transfer Oct 23.

Start POAS craziness Oct 30...

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If there are any tweaks or adjustments to my protocol, be sure I will post!  

So as you can see there is no lupron!  I'm a little nervous about this.  My body seemed to wake up a bit since I had Lola.  However, the last 3 months I seem to be sliding back into peri-menopause.  So I am currently on my first month of HRT.  I'm feeling okay...I guess...  I've been getting bad headaches and my back is really bugging me the last 2 days.  Kind of like my period is coming.  But I thought the HRT was supposed to regulate me a little better?  I thought I could expect it on Sept 25, so my first u/s and b/w are already booked for Sept 26.  

So I guess it seems this cycle is going to be like every other cycle JD and I have ever done.  A guessing game right up until the end!  Will she get her period...dum..dum..dum...will her lining grown...dum..dum..dum..will she ovulate through the estrace...dum..dum..dum..will frostie thaw and thrive...DUM...DUM...DUM...

Stay Tuned...!

Much Love!

ks

FET Anxieties...

*Sensitive Topic - Attempt for #2* 

Feel free to skip this post if you are still in the trenches.

I'm scared.  Stepping back into the RE's office and all that IF stuff reopened all my IF scars.  They are now pulsating wounds expelling fear and anxiety all over me.  They bog down my thoughts.  I've even started to get little panic attacks about it. 

JD was a good boy and got all his testing done the day after I gave him all his sheets.  I on the other hand waited 3 weeks.  What?!  I know...  I didn't call in on my last day 1 to schedule my biopsy.  I haven't started my baby aspirin, or folic acid.  I've actually lost my prescriptions for HRT, prednisone and antibiotics.  This is all so out of character for me.

I've spent the last 8 months getting my body ready for this.  I've lost the weight, toned my muscles, I'm eating healthy (sometimes), I'm almost ready.  Friday I have an appointment at a laser clinic to quit smoking again.  (Urrggghhh I know!)  I did one triathlon, 2 runs, and 1 bike race, so I did almost all the physical goals I wanted to achieve this summer before we went into baby mode again.

So what is holding me back...  FEAR

What if it doesn't work?  I know I sound selfish, I feel really bad about having all these feelings.  I just wish it was more our choice to be complete with our family.  Instead it's IF and finances that gets to make that choice for us.  It's not just fear of it not working and all hope being lost that is plaguing me.  It's also fear about Lola and how she will feel not being the one and only.  Surprisingly though I do not worry about my capacity to love another baby.  I know that it will be automatic and as all encompassing as my love for LolaBean is.  But I worry that I won't get as much one on one time with my sweet LolaBean.  And really these are silly fears.  First we have to get over the big hurdles.  Defrost, survive, attach, grow, have a heartbeat, and holding on.  Oh God there are just so many stars that need to line up for frostie to work. 

I don't want to be done.  I don't want to close the door on our family.  I wish I could make my body work 100% the way it should.  I wish all of us could experience babies in our bellies, and healthy babies in our arms.  I wish I was going into this FET with more than 1.  I wish for a lot of things.  But right now I wish for my inner warrior to fight her way out and attack the FET prep the way I should.  With confidence and hope in my heart. 

Thank you for letting me voice my fears and talk myself off my ledge.  Another post is coming in 2 days.  I've got lots written in my head, I just need to find time on the computer!  LOL!

Much Love!

ks

26 Weeks Survey (with DE Addition - Thanks Lisa)

How far along: 26 weeks and 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: + 19 lbs.

Maternity clothes: exclusively

Stretch marks: None! Thank you stretch mark cream!

Sleep: Off/On - I average 1 good night sleep out of 4 nights, so not awesome.

Movement: Lots of movement! Not really kicks but swooshing!

Cravings: Chocolate - specifically Snickers!

Aversions: Vegetables!

Gender: Little Miss!

Symptoms: TMI Alert! Constipation, heartburn (bad) and leaky tatas!

What I miss: The gym, my smaller bum, and being able to bend over with out aching! Must say though I love my new boobs! Good bye B cup!

What I look forward to: My Dad coming home to help us finish the hardwood floor, so we can get the nursery finished.  My mom finally coming home as well, for a good belly rub!  :)  (I know I'm a huge suck and I miss my parents terribly!  I'm not a fan of the new snowbird lifestyle!)

Moods: Even - Good with the not so good!  LOL!

Milestones: 28 weeks (better chance of viability, and first steroid shot)

Medical Concerns: low papp a results. Concern for baby being IUGR, and for me to have hypertension and pre-e. Biggest concern though is pre term labour.  Another series of tests today including my Glucose test!  Urrrgghhh!  C'mon let me pass these please!!?!?!

Weekly Wisdom: No wisdom this week... I'm too much of a rookie for wisdom! LOL!

Worst moment this week: None!  :)

Best moment this week: Saturday.  We finished getting the main level organized and flipping the rooms around.  It looks great and will work so much better with a baby!  Much more floor space in our new family room!

How do I feel about DE at 26 weeks?

Well...  It's still a mixed bag of emotions really.  There are times I catch myself and think I wonder if she'll have as much hair as I did when I was born, then I shake my head and think why would she, she has none of my genes.  So I tend to forget about DE and then when I remember it gives me a little pain in my heart.  And it's not a pain of regret, it's a pain because I feel like she is all mine and it pains me to think that she might hate me or not feel complete because of how she came to be. 

I feel so blessed to have had DE as an option.  And we did not enter into it lightly.  However my concern from the beginning has always been how are my children going to feel?  And what makes me more nervous is how some of our family feels that it should be a secret.  I guess because it is such a new concept to them, well even fertility treatments is a very new concept to all of them really. 

But it comes down to JD and I.  And we feel like we have been so blessed by our donor.  We feel like everything fell into place just as it should have.  And that this little girl has been waiting just for us.  And I think if we raise her as we plan to with love and honesty we should be okay!