Ontario's Family Day - Interupted!

In the Great North we have a Holiday, it's called Family Day.  Everything is supposed to shut and you are to spend the day enjoying your family.  Of course our office doesn't shut though, we just run at statutory holiday hours.  10am to 4pm.  That is of course if you can make it in...which this Family Day JD could not!

 

Food Poisoning! 

 

No not from my cooking.  But from us cheating on our healthy lifestyle.  Mucho.Burrito.  JD was SO sick!  He lost 6.5 lbs in under 12 hours.  He started complaining about his stomach almost the second he finished eating.  "Ohhh my stomach hurts...I ate too fast...or something just wasn't right!"  And then at midnight I was awoken out of my slumber to him being violently ill in our ensuite.  I have never seen him so sick.  He yacked 2-3 times per hour, even with 2 gravol!  And what's worse he also 'went' 2-3 times every hour as well. 

 

I called in staff for him when he was still vomiting at 730.  I also made him shower and I stripped the bed.  I sent him to the couch with Gatorade.  I put on Frozen for Lola to watch and got busy cleaning our room out.  It smelled awful.  By noon I had him drink chicken broth and another Gatorade and sent him back to a clean bed to sleep.  He crashed for 4 1/2 hours.  When he got up I got him to eat a banana and he kept that down.  So I made him a steak for dinner.  And that really brought his color up and made his joints hurt less.  Poor Guy!

So this Family Day I spent it taking care of not 2 but 3 babies!  Wiping up more puke than imaginable!  Ahhh but at least we were all together.  Thank God though we all didn't get it.  Lola ate most of my dinner from MB, and thankfully I take most of my food as plain as can be.  Not JD though...well I think he might have just learned his lesson on sour creams!  Not a great lesson to learn!

 

Obviously we cheated this weekend.  And my weight loss shows it.  JD's doesn't!  Lol!  But I only lost .4lbs.  But I've been back to my good behaviour since.  So we will see what tomorrow brings.  I plan on doing a food only post this week.  JD has been laughing at me taking pictures of my meals.  But whatever.  Sometimes it helps to know what others are eating to try to shave off some pounds.  And trust me I love advice from fellow 'losers' and athletes.    Pre run or post run advice welcome please!  As my running is just about to get kicked up a big notch!

 

Must dash off, time to pick up Lucy's new boots!

Much Love! 
ks

A Recipe Cook / Blog Changes

That's me!  I definitely am not a cook by nature.  I bake very well but I'm reluctant to experiment with my own recipes.  Meaning I very rarely veer off the beaten path.  And well cooking...lets just say I wasn't the best eater growing up so of course I took very little interest in creating food.  I cooked with my mom but it was always meat and potatoes and very bland seasonings.  

Now that I'm older and my palate has changed...cough..cough..I've stopped being so stubborn.  I have found that I do really enjoy food.  With lots of different  flavors, textures, and styles.  I now find myself stalking the food blogs looking for new fantastic recipes.  Now I will say I have had to adjust a few of them to suit some of my food aversions and to make them a smidge bit healthier, but I have come across a few great winners!

As you may or may not have noticed.  I have cleaned up my blog reader a little bit.  And I've added some running and food blogs that I have found quite good.  I'm not running right now, but I plan on getting back to it PDQ after PJ is born, and I plan on attacking it harder than I ever had.  I want to do a marathon next summer.  So reading other runner's blogs and healthy nutrition blogs is keeping me very motivated.  

Any of the recipes I try that are a hit I will definitely post a link to them here for my fellow blog friends.  Like this one ....  Fresh Margarita Chicken  from Iowa Girl Eats.  It was FANTASTIC!!!  I even made the lime cilantro rice and the guacamole.  LolaBean and JD loved it!  It was super easy.  I was nervous about the guacamole as I'm not a huge avocado fan, but on top of the chicken it was pure heaven!  Seriously pop over, check it out and try it.  You will not be sorry!

Anyway, this blog post was intended to tell you where I am heading with this blog.  It will be more of a family blog about cooking, running and parenting after Infertility.  My trying to conceive days are over.  I turn 35 this week.  Our second baby girl is due this summer.  And doing another DE cycle just gives me anxiety thinking about it.   Maybe that will change...I mean I'm only 35, but for now...no more...  I still hope you will follow me and my family's adventures.  And I hope you like what you find gracing this space.

Much Love!

ks

A Merry Christmas Indeed!

I hope all my blogger friends had a very Merry Christmas!  I know one in particular was hit with a nasty bug ripping through their house and unfortunately had to put their Christmas on hold for now.  Poor LN10 and family!  We are thinking of you and hoping you all feel better soon!

Our Christmas was really good.  LolaBean is still a bit too little to really get the whole Christmas Santa thing but she was pretty funny just the same.  Every present we opened she exclaimed "WoW" or "Niiiice"!  Lol!  She was  is officially a spoiled little girl!  JD and I actually didn't buy her that much, but her Grandparents and Uncles and Aunts spoiled her rotten.  

One of the funniest thing about Christmas morning is how much our dogs get into it.  Tonka loves to rip open presents.  Whether they are for him or not it makes no difference.  And once he gets going he gets his daughter into it.  At one point he and Lexxie were having a tug of war over a squeaking cow with Lola in the middle wagging her finger at them saying "No, no, no!"  Too funny!  Maddie our old dog doesn't get as into it, other than she knows when there are presents she gets scrambled eggs for breakfast.  So she sits patiently and waits until I start cooking then yells at me the entire time until her bowl is put down.  Yes our house is a zoo!

My family is all spread out so there were phone calls and skype sessions.  We spent the morning here, doing our own thing and in the afternoon we headed to my in laws to do Christmas with them.  Lola was not in her finest in the afternoon.  She hadn't pooped all day and she seemed to be especially tired.  But once she opened her present from Nana and Ahah she entertained herself for over an hour.  They bought her this awesome kitchen.  They got it from a store that was closing so it's a really nice expensive one that she never would have gotten had it not been almost 80% off!  Actually that is why I am able to blog right now!  LOL!  

We are not hitting any Boxing Day sales today.  JD has to work.  And I feel we've spent enough money, and in all honesty we don't need anything.  Plus I'm a little anxious.  Tomorrow is our 12 week NT scan.  I'm praying I have a healthy, live baby in there still or else I have no excuse for having this belly that I already have.  Uh Oh!  Someone made a stinky!  Time to go!

Merry Christmas Everyone!  I wish for all of you a healthy and Happy year to come.  May 2013 be good to you!

Much Love!

ks

Musings of an Infertile...

From the second my alarm clock went off this morning at 4:50 a.m. I've been reflecting on what IF has given me and taken away from us.  I don't know if it's because I am being overdosed on estrogen, or from the complications between JD and I, or that today is Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Day but today I have been stepping back and really thinking about all that has gone on and where my emotions play into this.

Bear with me here...this may be a little all over the place...

Am I hyper sensitive when it comes to my daughter?

Maybe I am...  But to be honest with you I don't think so.  I'm not a rigid schedule keeper.  I'm not one who runs to her every time she falls.  My child is spoiled with love but not coddled to death.  But she is MY daughter.  And I do know what is best for her.  Regardless of what my MIL may say or think I know my LolaBean and I know what needs to be done when we are gone to keep her functioning at her usually sunny content attitude.  Listen people it's not a miracle that my baby is such a happy baby...It's because we make sure she is a happy baby...By sticking to her routine...giving her foods she likes to eat...keeping her in her environment...making sure she naps...generally letting Lola be Lola and carefree in her own known safe environment.

Do I Expect Special Treatment Because we are Cycling?

No...Not really... I don't think I'm in the wrong to expect those closest to us to understand that what we are going through is extremely stressful and that I am currently on a butt load of meds.  I would expect family to not put unnecessary stress and strain on us at this time.  But I do not expect work to stop being well work and Lola from being Lola etc...

Do I Always Expect Pregnancy Announcements to Go Bad...?

Yes...And this one makes me very sad.  But yes, because of infertility and all that I have witnessed I do tend to suck in my breath when someone makes a pregnancy announcement.  And I watch from afar waiting for that BOOM to drop.  It's terrible...  I don't wish any ill will on anyone.  But it has driven me insane watching 3 people announce their pregnancies at barely 6 weeks pregnant!

Am I Jealous of Fertiles?

Yes..yes..yes...  Sad but true.  The 3 announcements on FB I spoke about are all close to delivering now.  And dang it it just kills me that they all had it so easy.  Not that I want them to have it hard like the rest of us IF'ers but I just wish that it could be easier.  I wish that I didn't know that today was infant and pregnancy loss day.  I wish that we could all have happy accidents happen.  But we can't and that still makes me cry on my way into work in the mornings.  (one of the announcements actually joked at 6 weeks pregnant that his girlfriend had to be having twins as she was already so bloated...and yup...twins...boy/girl!  No fertility treatments, a total accident!)

Am I a Colder Person Because of Infertility?

Maybe a little when it comes to some things.  I don't know if it's actually that I am colder or stronger...?  With all the fighting and no talking over the weekend I didn't cry once.  With the thought that hope could die for us on next Tuesday...I still haven't cried.  I did cry this morning thinking of Baby B and how much I would have loved LolaBean to have had a twin sibling to be with all the time!  But the things that used to make me cry...I find I turn inwards instead and hold a lot back.  Maybe it's more self preservation that anything.  If I allow those flood gates to open again...I don't know if I'll be able to control it again.

Do I Feel Defeated?

Yes I do!  And I hate that I feel this way.  We've been through so much.  And I just feel beat down.  I mean 2 full donor cycles.  18 embryos and 1 successful pregnancy (coupled with the loss of her twin) an now 1 tiny little piece of hope hanging on.  I mean really...Look at our stats.  Do you really think this FET has any chance?  And in the last two years our financial situation has changed so drastically that this just might be the last go at the bucket, so to speak.  I feel negative, I feel angry, I feel stressed, I feel defeated.   

Infertility has won.  It has taken my dreams away from me...It has taken my financial security away from me. It has robbed me of my joy for others.  It has brought out traits in myself that I do not like.  I always thought of JD and I as survivors.  Even before IF.  Our mantra has always been "We'll be okay, we always bounce!"  I don't know that I can bounce anymore.  I don't know if I can go back to who I was.  I do know that I will keep on being the best mother I can be for LolaBean.  But the rest of my heart, feels like it might always be a little heavier...

Much Love!

ks

I will be lighting candles tonight for all of our lost babies.  I will hug and kiss my little girl with everything that I have.  I will also kiss my husband.  And I will make sure they all know how very much they both mean to me.  I'm sorry for the heavy post(s) this week, but here it is...I'm laying myself and all my IF emotions out there.

Frustrated!

Sometimes doing the right thing...can just wear you the F out!

I've been taking care of my mom for 2 weeks out of the last 3.  During this time, I've also been taking care of Lola (of course), dealing with her and I being sick, and pretty much doing it on my own.  I've been every one's chef, laundress, gardener, maid, book keeper, physio therapist, and butler...and dang it I'm worn out!  

I love my Mom dearly and would do anything for her.  What makes me mad through all of this though is that neither one of my brothers can even pick up a damn phone and see how she is doing when she is with me.  Or to even check on me and my sanity for crying out loud!  

During all of this Lola has started walking.  And she is into everything now.  My mom can't pick her up, so I'm constantly chasing her around as I'm doing all the necessary things that need to be done.  So lately my health and well being has taken a back seat.  I haven't been to the gym in over a week, I haven't run in over 3 weeks (physio), my bike is gathering dust, and the weather is quickly changing on me.  

I did manage to make a couple of important phone calls about our upcoming cycle and I will get into that in another post.  What I'm frustrated about though is just life in general...  Well being a boss..  Running our own business...  Never having family time...  Always feeling like a single parent...  Being alone even on the weekends and holidays...  Fighting with my hubby to try to make plans to see my family..  Being stressed about the lack of money coming into the business...  Y'know EVERYTHING!!!

We are having some staff issues at the moment that I really don't want to get into.  But it is causing some strain.  And I've gotten to my breaking point with this business that we are in.  I've tried to talk to JD about it for over 3 years now, and he's done nothing about it...  Now it's built up to the point of resentment.  So I'm struggling with my feelings on a daily basis.  But I keep doing the RIGHT thing...  I keep coming in, doing my work, his work, I go home, wash dishes, prep meals, clean floors, poo pick, cut the grass, wash the clothes, and hopefully go to the gym.  Because why?  It's the RIGHT thing to do!!!

You ever have one of those weeks?  Where just everything gets to be a bit too much.  And throw dealing with this IF crap into the mix again, and you've got where I'm at.  I'm going out this weekend though for a Ladies Night.  That should be good.  I hope...  

Stay Tuned...Another post has been written about our upcoming cycle...I'll blast you with that on Thursday!

Much Love!

ks

11 Weeks Old!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And every day you fascinate me more and more.  I fall deeper in love every time I look at you.  You now smile at us when we do goofy things.  You hold your head up on your own.  You giggle mostly in your sleep, but we are working on getting those giggles directed to us!  You love the 3 musketeers!  Instead of playing with your toys you watch them during mat time!  LOL!  You LOVE Baby Mozart!  You are finally wearing 0-3 months clothes!  Oh my sweet LolaBean you are the light of my life!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So now onto what had been going on in my world...  I started dom.per.idone and it seems to be really working.  Lola is now only getting 1-2 bottles of formula a day.  Mind you I am not pumping at all.  There really isn't any time to pump!  But she is definitely getting tons of breast milk.  So much so she likes to get a mouthful and then spit it back onto my (.)(.)!  Nice! 

At her 2 month appointment she weighed 9'10, so she is definitely over 10 lbs now.  She has outgrown all newborn things and most 0-3 month diaper shirts.  She doesn't quite fit into the Car.ter's 3 month sleepers or pants yet but she is getting there!  So for now the sleep sacks (night dress) are working, even though she hates getting them put on!

We noticed at about 6 weeks that Lola was only looking right on her play mat.  So I moved all the toys to the left, and she still wouldn't look left.  I brought this up at the Dr's and he checked her out.  Yes it appears she has slight torticollus (stiff neck), so we have been waiting for 3 weeks for the ped physio to call us and get us in.  Well on Monday I called a pediatric Osteopath, she got us in for yesterday.  So we had our first hour appointment yesterday.  Little Miss handled it quite well.  There is definitely a shortening in the muscles on the one side of the neck, it's not severe, but it is really good that we are getting this addressed right away.  This is the stage where the shape of your babies head is set, and one side is already a smidgen larger than the other from the skin being pulled by the tightened muscles.  There is also a nerve that runs the same path as the muscles but it runs into your digestive system.  This is probably being compressed at times causing the digestive issues that we are having.  Cause man can my baby girl honk the horn!  Her other nick name in the house is Tootsie!  LOL!  Anyway I'm really glad that we are finally getting this all looked at and taken care of.  I don't want my bean to be in any pain.

I've also been back to the gym.  :0  4 times this week.  I've done a bars & plates class, spin, boot camp and yoga.  So I am back and with a vengeance!  I have to get my body back in shape for attempt #2.  I do not want to possibly go into a 2nd pregnancy still carrying all this extra weight.  WE haven't fully decided when we are going to cycle again.  We've discussed February, but I think it will be more likely next October.  I'd really like to do this triathlon next Sept in Wasaga.  So we'll see!

Anyway I better run, LolaBean is starting to nap, so I need to as well!  LOL!

Much Love!

ks



1 Month and 2 Month Pictures!

  

Phew we have been busy!  JD has unfortunately had to cut back on staff at our two offices, so he has been working 14 hour days for the last month and a half, so it's just been me!  Even weekends are out for him right now.  We had one weekend free and we went to my hometown, so not really a break!  Miss Lo.laBean is fantastic!  The pro biotic drops are definitely helping her!  We still have a Miss FussPants some evening but that is just baby stuff!

She got her first shots on Monday, and that went as good as can be expected!  LOL!  I sat in the hall and cried while Daddy held her for her shots.  She was seriously mad that afternoon though.  And then she slept for almost 24 hours straight, she was even sleeping through her feedings, sleep sucking!  LOL!  I started dom.peri.done almost a week ago, and it has made a big difference!  I am able to be back up to 50/50 with her feedings.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days she just does not want to be on the boob!  What's a mom supposed to do?!?  Her appetite is unbelievable!  She crushes anywhere from 4-6 ounces every 2-2 1/2 hours.  However, she will sleep up to 5 hours throughout the night.  We definitely have a bewitching hour!  It is right now as a matter of fact.  Daddy has her right now!  Teehee! 

Okay so onto the stats...  Lola's birth weight was 4'12.  At 4 weeks she was 6'01.  And at 9 weeks (2 months) she is ....  wait for it...  9'10!!!!  :0

And here is some pictures of our chunky monkey!





I have over 200 pictures of my love, but I didn't want to overload you all!  Lol!  We are going to try her 2 month photo shoot again tomorrow (1 week over 2 months).  And I've promised her I will not force her to wear a headband or a hat!  Lol!

Anyway, I'm actually under the weather right now, and having a (Urrrgghhh TMI) period, so I'm feeling nice and horrible.  I promise I will get my butt back to blogging and commenting very soon.  I am reading daily I'm just not commenting.  I read on my I.pad while I breast feed, but I can't really type while I bf, so ....  Just know I am thinking of all of you daily.

Much Love!

ks & LolaBean!

Happy Birthday!

To ME!  Yes today is my 33rd Birthday!  And yesterday was my shower.  What a wonderful weekend we had.  There was a lot of work done on my house.  It's not complete yet but it's getting there.  We should have the nursery completely done by next weekend.  The hardwood is down and the trim is back on it just needs to be cocked and a little touch up painting.  Then we need to finish the shelving in the closet, organize the furniture, and hang all her wonderful pictures and such.  I promise I will post a picture when it is done.

Onto the shower.  What a great day.  I got my makeup done which made me feel good.  Especially since I am so swollen right now.  Even my face is swollen.  Awesome!  I ended up spending way too much money on products, but I am really tired of my pro-activ, and was really looking for some new facial products.  I hope JD isn't too mad at me.  Oh well! 

We had about 30 people at my shower.  Some of my friends from my hometown came which was great.  So wonderful for them to have travelled 3+ hours just for my shower.  I was so touched.  And I was so happy to see them, as I haven't seen them in a long time.  Lola was spoiled rotten!  I did a quick speech and there wasn't a dry eye in the room.  I didn't intend to make everyone cry but I wanted them to know what a miracle it was that we were having a shower in the first place and how much it meant to me to know that this little Miss is surrounded with such love.

My parents left for home this morning, they are coming back again on the weekend when JD is off to finish the flooring.  So today I am spending the day on the couch, chilling with my feet up.  Who could ask for a better Birthday!

I hope everyone had a great weekend!  Much Love!

ks

Thankless Cankles!

So the swelling is kicking in!  Dang It!  In this picture you can really see that my right ankle and foot is more swollen than the left.  This was only 1/2 of what they actually ended up swelling up to.  I took this picture at about 3:00 in the afternoon on Saturday and by night fall I had ice packs on my feet.  They actually hurt!   The swelling actually went all the way up past my knees!   It didn't go down until Tuesday morning.  And to me it still looks like my right foot and calf are still a bit swollen.  I think being in the car for 6 hours is just not a good thing for someone who is 30 weeks pregnant.  I don't think I'll be making anymore trips to Ottawa in my near future.  (usually it is only a 4 hour drive but Good Friday traffic really sucked)  The swelling doesn't really bother me, but I did end up with a wicked headache on Monday as well and y'know my mind just went straight to pre-e...  Uh Oh!  But I think I'm fine, just too long in the car, and not enough time with my feet up.

Swelling aside everything in my little world is okay.  I'm really not working too much anymore after the cankles started to appear.  JD said he thinks that's enough.  We had our growth u/s on Monday.  Lola looks good.  Big!  She is currently at approx 3 lbs, 5 ounces.   The clinic they sent me to wasn't any different than my usual clinic.  So if I need it again I'm going to request that I go to my usual u/s clinic.  I have another Dr's appointment on Thursday so I will hopefully get more info on the u/s and about how we are doing.  Hopefully steriod shots will be done on Thursday.

Tomorrow JD is going to paint our bedroom.  He's getting my nesting list started FINALLY!  LOL!  I tore apart our bedroom closet and organized that today.  I got the new curtain for our room.  And tomorrow while JD paints I am going to do the front hall closet, organize some of the nursery stuff, laundry and maybe a quick trip to Babies.RUs, we'll just have to see how motivated I am. 

I've got another post coming on Thursday with the belly shot, picture, and a link to an awesome maternity t-shirt company I'm in love with.  More to come.

Much Love!

ks

Happy Easter Folks!

I'm off for the weekend to go visiting family, so I won't be posting this weekend.  I wanted to make sure I posted though to wish you all a very Happy Easter.  Enjoy your long weekend!

Sorry I've been MIA all week.  I have been computer (less) all week.  I've got about 3 blog posts saved up including pictures, they are all going to come pouring out next week.  Hopefully I'll be able to post next week and these Braxton Hicks will stop!  C'mon Lola stay in for at least 6 more weeks!  Please!?!? 

I owe you all a belly picture and it is coming soon.  I am going to post a link to where I got my most favorite maternity t-shirts, it's a local couple that sell these shirts and I met them at the baby show after e-mailing each other for about 2 weeks.  They are the softest most wonderful things I put on recently.  My belly picture will be me in one of these shirts.  I've got my fingers crossed that I can find a nursing bra this week.  I am quickly destroying my Victoria.Secret bras with all this leakage.  Dang It!  More money to spend.

Sorry this post is so scattered but I'm trying to bang this out really quickly so I can get to bed.  I'm super tired and I've been having BH's all day.  So I need to get vertical!  Happy Easter again everyone!

Much Love!

ks

Got Milk?

Apparently I do!  I thought it was just one of those freak things, or maybe my imagination, but a couple of weeks ago I thought one of my (.)(.) leaked.  Then it happened again Tuesday morning, and I thought maybe I didn't dry myself off enough, until I got home and took off my bra and found it caked to my tata!  Again I kind of shrugged it off, but nope!  Yesterday morning I pulled a new clean, cake less, bra out of the dryer and sported that for most of the day.  Sure enough at around 7pm I'm changing into my pj's and again clean bra is stuck to my tata. 

I know it can happen, but I'm a little worried that my body is getting ready a little bit too early.  So my nerves are high and I am a bit cranky from worry.  On top of that I feel horrible about myself right now.  I had worked so hard to lose the weight my stupid thyroid disease and fertility drugs piled on me, and now with being on limited duties all the weight has flooded back on.  I know a lot of it is baby weight, but my body also likes to pile it on to my hips, @ss and thighs.  So I feel super unattractive right now.

Well JD loves the gym.   And that's fine with me really.  (Okay not really because I can't go)  But he works until 7 most nights and then goes to the gym until 9 or 10 at night.  Well anyway I'm not going to get into it, but let's just say I'm not a very happy person right now.  And we fought until 1130 last night.  And today I'm still....  It's not even that I'm mad at him really.  I'm just feel so unattractive, and unwanted, and I'm terrified that I will never get my body back to where I once was.   My mom is seriously over weight with no thyroid issues, so I know how easy it can happen without anything hindering you.  What's going to happen to me???

Okay enough!  Back to work!  I'm sure I'll snap out of this soon.  I may be a bit hormonal lately.  Gee you think, since I'm leaking milk!?!?

New Friend on the Street!

My neighbours did have their baby on Jan 27.  7lb 7oz little boy named Antonio.  They only just got home on Tuesday this week as he had a bit of jaundice.  But mom and baby are doing well, exhausted but happy!  JD and I had bought them a little something for the happy occasion.  We saw the hubby out yesterday getting ready to snow clear so we ran over to drop it off and chat with him for a quick 5 minutes.  

Sure enough we were right it was a long struggle for them as well.  I knew it.  We were the only 2 houses on the street with out kids and we are both in our 30's with good jobs and houses made for kids.   I just had a feeling that they were struggling, as were we...  Now I don't think they went the IVF route but I don't really know.

We came out to him though that Antonio might have a playmate come July.  He was thrilled for us.  I admitted to him it had been a long time coming, that's when he said us too.  It took us a long time as well.  We are going to pop over there sometime in the next week or two and meet little Antonio, so I'm sure the Mrs. and I will probably have a better chat then. 

JD and I are trying to get ready for our baby moon.  We are leaving in 6 days for Arizona.  Okay so it's not really a baby moon per se, as we are going to visit my parents.  My mom and dad are snowbirds now and we promised them if they bought a place in Arizona rather than Florida that we would still visit them, so we are making the trip.  It actually couldn't be coming at a better time.  We both just need to get away.  And I miss my mom and dad something terrible.  I usually see them at least once a month, well I haven't seen them since we lost B.  So it's been 11 weeks.    My mom and I are planning some maternity shopping!  Yahh!  I love shopping! 

Anyway I will do a pregnancy update on Monday, and answer whether we are pink or blue team.  Please blogger friends just pray that there is still a heart beat and that Bebe is healthy!

Much Love!

ks 

2 More Days...

And then we will know one way or another.  Oh my!  I am so scared.  JD is the forever optimist that everything is fine.  Me not so much.  I have no reason to be like this.  I've had no spotting.  I do get cramps, not bad and not all the time, but they are there.  I don't know why I feel like I'm waiting for this to end, but I am.  Arrrggghhhh!  I am so jealous of the fertiles.  They get to not worry about all of this crap.  My sister in law was like "oh you won't need an u/s until like week 16 or so..."  Yah right!  Anyway enough about this.

We had a good weekend this weekend.  My parents came down for a visit.  It was great I hadn't seen my Dad in more than 2 months.  He's been working in Fort Mac (Alberta) doing some contract work for 6 weeks.  It's funny I saw him more before he retired.  He has been doing a lot of contract work since he retired.  He loves it and he loves the money!  But we miss him!  And my parents are snow birds so they are gone for the winter (Nov - May).  The only crappy thing about this weekend is the family drama that started flaring during our transfer is coming to a head right now.

I won't go into full details...  But it is ripping our family apart.  My oldest brother B has now decided he will not be coming to our family Christmas (in 2 wks).  He is not accepting phone calls from anyone in the family.  He's being his usually selfish ass.  And unfortunately my Mom is defending him.  Drives me nuts!  But I can't blame her either he's her son!  And when your kids are sick you still want to help them.  That's why I keep telling her to get to an Al-Anon meeting and learn that her and my Dad's behaviour is just enabling him to continue with his disease.  One he won't admit.  One that JD and I are the only 2 in the family actually think it is to the point of needing rehab.  This is all so hard.

I think I might try and find my own Al-Anon meeting.  Because I feel so guilty for turning my back on him.  But I am doing it for self preservation right now.  I have to worry about this little SweetPea right now, and stress in the first trimester...No...No...  But I want to understand what my role in his recovery can be, and how we can try to get him to wake up and realize he really has a serious problem.  Don't say let him hit rock bottom!  Unfortunately that is where the conflict with my parents comes into play.  They will never let him hit rock bottom. 

Any advice from anyone who has had to deal with a family member who is an alcoholic would be really appreciated.  Please don't be surprised if I delete this entry in the next day or 2. 

Much Love!

ks

Braving the Widget..!

So I've crossed over!  I'm trying to be Ms. Optimistic.  I have now added a bebe widget to the sidebar.  I know this is early.  Even if it turns out this pregnancy is short lived I am going to enjoy every moment of it while it is here.  I've put in one bebe, because I firmly believe there is one little bebe in there.  And until 11/11 we won't know 100% what really is happening in there. 

I love that my u/s is booked for 11/11.  My embebe's were created on 10/10/10!  It just feels right that the heartbeat check should happen on 11/11, don't you think?  Anyway enough of this nonsense!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!  (I know day late and a dollar short, but whatever.)

I love Halloween!  I had to work yesterday so I was in full costume all day, handed out candy to my customers, then raced home to have my in-laws up for the night.  My nephews like to trick-or-treat in my neighbourhood.  So we had everybody up.  I made homemade chicken fingers, mac-n-cheese and lots of cut up veggies.  Everyone feasted and then feasted again on sugary treats.  The boys had a blast.  Regardless of it being so cold that it snowed.  They are just getting to that really funny 3 year old stage where they understand Halloween and are right into it.

Next year JD swears he is going to dress up with me.  I'll believe it when I see it.  We've been together for over 12 years now and he's dressed up once for Halloween and it was for a rave.  So way back when we were 20 and fearless!  LOL!  I promise I will post a picture of me and 'the boys' in our costumes soon.  I just have to get JD to e-mail them to me.

I hope everyone had a great Halloween!  Pinch and a punch for the first of the month blogger friends!

Much Love

ks

Donor Starting Stims

I have written 4 separate posts to update on the DE IVF #2, but haven't completed any of them.  So here's what's the what!

Donor (D2) had evaluation on Sept 22 - failed hormone levels were elevated.

D2 continued on Lupron for 2 more days and was rechecked on Sept 24.

Cleared - good to go! 

Message from DE Co said that donor will be starting her stimulation soon.  (?)  They will be checking her again on Friday Oct 1. 

I seem to be getting cryptic information from my DE Co.  Which doesn't really help me.  We have 2 stores to operate and employ.  Our employees also have lives and appointments and such.  I have 1 employee that has a dental surgery booked for Oct 18.  I told him not to cancel it as we should be back by then, but now I'm wondering... 

In other news.  We have our third set of visitors from England here now.  This is the 3rd month straight we have had company.  Life is very busy for JD and I.  We are working 7 days a week, gym 4-5 nights a week, and any free moment spending time with our company.  And JD unfortunately is having a very bad ear issue right now.  He had them flushed yesterday, they need to do it again as it didn't get all of the blockage out, but we woke up this morning to blood on his pillow.  So we are a little worried that something is really wrong.  He said when they flushed them yesterday he had never had it feel like that before.  He was in pain most of the night.  He's going to call the Dr. again today and let them know about the blood.  Hopefully it is nothing.

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One of my support board members has suffered a terrible loss this weekend.  She went into early labour (18wks) and lost her baby boy.  Unfortunately during the delivery of the placenta something went very wrong and she started to lose a lot of blood.  They rushed her to surgery (5hrs) and were forced to do a full hysterectomy.  She ended up in ICU on a vent.  She is now off the vent and back into regular care.  But the loss she has suffered has been felt by our entire board. 

There are 2 other DE Moms who are also struggling right now with very sick babies.  They have all ended up in PICU.  JD and I have lit a lot of candles over the weekend and said a lot of prayers.  My heart is very heavy this week.  It is a very cruel and unusual universe.

Please take the time to hug your little ones.  Tell those you love "You love them", and hug them tight.  You just never know what awaits you at the next corner.

Much Love.

ks

Turning the Page

I've decided to say p!ss off to my black mood and feeling horrible.  I'm going to just do what pleases me for the rest of this cycle.  I skipped the gym last night as I allowed my funk to control me.  Not today.  I'm going to hit the elliptical today.  Back in action I go!

Tonight we are out for dinner with JD's Aunt and Uncle.  They are heading back to Engl.and tomorrow.  Sad to see them go.  I love Uncle P, and Aunt C.  But Uncle P is a priest and he just has this wonderful, gentle way about him.   I'm really not a church kid.  Not that I don't believe in religion or anything, but I feel very uncomfortable in a church atmosphere.  But if Uncle P was here at a church, I would definitely go.  We haven't shared with them the details of what we are going through as I don't really know how they would feel about it.  I'm very scared to hear anything negative from anybody we love.  And unfortunately Aunt C can be a little close minded.  Also taking into consideration I've had one person ask me "Who would be the mom?"  I kind of shy away from telling some people of the older generation.  Anyway tonight I am going to eat a big steak, a big medium rare steak!  Yummy!  And I'm picking up dessert so you know that will be something totally off the diet plan!  LOL!  Oh well!  Big bike ride tomorrow afternoon and the gym tomorrow night!

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I really want this to work.  I pray with everything that I am that we get so freaking lucky that there will be two!  I know I should just pray that this works and that we end up with a healthy bebe.  But man!  Wouldn't it be fantastic if we were soooo lucky to have it work out that we did end up with 2. 

I have been so afraid to put this out there.  For fear that I would jinx myself.  But I just feel like I need to say it out loud.  I really want this to work!  I have never, never rubbed a pregnant woman's belly.  I have never been priviledged enough to feel a baby kick a mommy's tummy.  It's not like I don't know pregnant people.  It's that I'm too fragile that I'm afraid that they will see the want on my face and the tears in my eyes.  I want the belly to rub.  I want to feel a bebe kicking me in the ribs, or dancing on my bladder.  Oh God I want this all so much! 

More thoughts from my random, swirling, antsy head another day!

Much Love!

ks

The Cycle Begins....

I did my Lup.ron shot this morning.  No Problem!  JD and I were running very late today, so we really had to figure it out and get the shot done and get in the car to speed our butts to work.  I thought I set the alarm last night, but apparently not!  Now I'm sitting here with greasy hair in a ponytail, feeling like I really want to go home and have a shower!  Oh well!

We were out a bit late last night.  JD's Uncle and Aunt are here visiting from England.  Uncle P is the one who married JD and I.  We really love Uncle P and Aunt C.  We haven't seen them in about 5 years, so it was really nice to go and have dinner and a visit with them last night.  Everyone is headed off to Cape Cod this morning for 1 week vacation.  They are driving straight into Hurr.icane Ea.rl!  Apparently it didn't hit North Carolina as badly as was expected, so maybe it won't be too bad.

We played with the twins (of course) while we were there for dinner.  OMG!  I just love those boys!  They are just getting funnier and funnier.  Last night they wanted to dance.  We threw on the Dirty Dancing CD and we all boogied like no tomorrow with them.  The were giggling and screeching their delight at our silliness!  At one point Sam ran up to me threw his arms around my hips and kissed my tummy, then ran away.  My SIL just looks at me and goes "Did I just see that?"  I said yup!  She says "Oh my he loves you so much!" 

Sigh!  They make my heart swell!  Nothing beats the unconditional love my nephews shower me with.  I'm so very lucky that they do love me and enjoy me playing with them.  Being little boys I probably won't be their favorite for very long, but I'll eat it up as long as I can! 

I'm off for now.  I'm very busy at work this weekend.  I'll update more on my cycle when we get into it.  I hope everyone has a wonderful Labour Day weekend!

Much Love,

ks

Weekend in Ottawa

Too bad the weather wasn't co-operating with us this weekend.  No boating, no swimming, but we did do a little hot tubbing!  We were visiting my brother and his family this weekend.  It was wonderful!  I got to watch my 8 year old nephew in a soccer tournament.  He is just a spitting image (personality and athletic ability) of my brother!  He is awesome!  He's a fast little dickens and he's aggressive, he goes for it!  Of course it was a cold drizzle the whole time we were at soccer.  Great!

I can't believe how much my niece has grown up.  She's now 6 and she is still just the cutest peanut.  She wanted me to put makeup on her, brush her hair, do all the girlie things a 6 year old girl loves.  It's great, because I tell you Taylor hasn't been like this before.  She used to scream and yell at you if you called her cute.  She refused to wear most of her clothes.  Oh my she really loved to test her power when she was 3-5 years old!

I haven't been to my brother's house since Christmas, and we hadn't been there in the summer in the last 2 summers.  So it was great.  My brother built his own house, and he keeps doing these small fine finishing details and the house looks great.  My brother and my Dad are super handy men.  My brother is actually in the final stages of apprenticing to be an electrician.   (This is the same brother who played European Pro Hockey).  My Dad also built his own house.  The only thing that either of them didn't do was the foundation.  Everything is with their blood, sweat, and tears.  We were fortunate enough to help my parents a bit on their house.  And JD went and stayed with T (brother) for a week to help him with the house.  But because of our business' and where we live we couldn't help as much as we wanted to.

I really think JD was born into the wrong family.  He loves all the construction stuff that we do, but he wasn't raised doing these types of projects.  He's learning everything he can from my family.  And he loves it.  He's always happiest when we have a project on the go.  And I'll be honest with you.  I love a project.  I get up early and am just so excited to dig in and get it done.  And there is tremendous pride that comes with looking at a new room, new fence, hardwood floors and knowing that you did it.

Well this is my weekend.  I'm now suffering from a head cold or sinus infection, surprise, surprise!  So I'm off to drink some vitamin water and load up on sinu.tab.   

Much Love!

ks

Happy Easter!

Another holiday weekend and we're working.  Oh well!  Such is life!  I have a busy weekend planned though.  My BFF is visiting until tomorrow morning.  And Sunday we have the In-Law family dinner.  And of course I'm working Saturday and Sunday.  I've also got to try to schedule in time to work out.  I'm sure there is going to be some cheating on my diet plan on Sunday, so I must hit the eliptical for at least 1-2 hours.  My father in law sent a message to me that he was making my sausages...  Ohhhh how I love his sausages!!!  Okay!  Get your minds out of the gutter.  My father in law was going to be a chef or a priest when he was a young gent in England.  His cooking is out of this world.  And he makes these sausages baked in the oven that are absolutely mouth watering.  I'm not exagerating when I say Mike is a magician in the kitchen.  I really wish he had taught JD some of his talent, but no such luck!

This week I've done really well with trying to maintain a healthy, balanced meal plan.  I'm not weighing myself so there will never be a weight loss update, unless one day I manage to make it back down to 125 lbs.  (sweet dream chubby bunny)  But I will share what I am doing to try to feel healthy again.   This week JD and I dragged ourselves back to spin class.  It's been 3 months!  I know!  We cycled in Jan, sick in Feb, and travelled in March.  Excuses, excuses, no more excuses...  Anyway we hit Monday's class, Tuesday's class and Wednesday's.  We worked our butts off this week.   We are tracking how many km's we do each class.  Each class varies with different instructers working on different things.  In total though I did almost 50 km's this week!  Not bad after a 3 months hiatus!  I took it easy last night as I had company coming, but I did get 5 km's on my eliptical.  And I'm hoping that early this evening my BFF won't mind if I go work out for an hour.  I'll have to remind her I plan on gourging myself with sausages on Sunday!  LOL!

My jeans fit a little better.  I bought a pair of Lu.Lu Lem.on pants in a size I haven't worn in almost 1 year!  And I feel better.  I still have a long way to go, and it will always be a battle.  But I'm hoping that JD and I are starting a new routine.  I defenitely don't plan on depriving myself of everything, just being a little more sporadic about the treats. 

Well I hope all my blogger friends have a great Easter Weekend.  If you don't celebrate it enjoy your long weekend anyway.  All my very best wishes and dreams to you all!

ks

Counting Down the Days!

Until FREEDOM!!!  Hah!  JD has had me locked in the house since we got back from our DE Holiday.  I've left 2 times only...  And both times only for about 2 hours.  I went out yesterday for a manicure and a mini pedi.  And I went out Thursday and did a little bit of Christmas shopping.  Well come Monday morning, I'm free!  JD has taken the day off to hang out with me and wait for the results.  We are heading into the clinic at around 8 am.  My cleaning lady also comes on Monday morning so we kind of have to stay out of the house for awhile.  So I think after the blood work we will head out for breakfast, pick up our dry cleaning, and maybe hang out at the mall for a little bit. 

Our afternoon can go one of 2 ways.  We will either be home cuddling and consoling each other on the couch with our puppies.  Or we will be peeing on a stick, taking a picture and e-mailing it off to my parents.  My parents have helped us through this journey more than I could ever thank them for.  Whether we succeed or not I will forever be grateful for everything they have done to support us through all of this.  And because both sets of parents have been so involved in all of this...there is no way we couldn't tell them how Monday's test results go.  They will all be waiting on pins and needles.  Infertility has affected every single person in our family.  My big, strong, tough, hockey playing older brother cried when my mom called him and told we had finally completed a transfer.  He said his heart skipped a beat as my mom said the words.  And I know my oldest brother is praying that we are successful to give him hope that maybe his journey will work out as well. 

It fills my heart with joy to know that there are so many people praying for our success.  This will be my last post until after 'the test'.  I hope all my fellow bloggers that are in their 2ww get the results we all pray and hope for.  And with the transfers and FET's that are going to be happening soon, I'll be thinking and praying for you all!  With much love and a hopeful heart....

ks