First Ultra Sound

We have a heartbeat!  Phew!  I didn't get the count though.  I should have asked more questions but I didn't as my joy was very short lived.  It appears I have a SCH again.  And wouldn't you know it is in the exact same spot as last time.  Right where baby B was...  Frostie is of course where Lola was.  I have had no bleeding.  So I had no idea that I would have this again.  But I didn't have any bleeding until 4 days after my first u/s last time.  So I'm kind of waiting for the bottom to drop out of this....  This sucks...  I should feel happy and relaxed.  But I don't.  I'm sad.  And I feel like I really am waiting for failure to collapse me again.  

Of course the tech says don't worry about it.  It's a small one right now.  Just be careful.  Um yah okay?!?!? 

I was careful last time too.  We weren't having s.e.x., I wasn't going hard working out, I was resting whenever I could.  And I still had a massive bleeding episode and the SCH grew and unfortunately we lost Baby B because of it.  

This time the circumstances are a little different.  I have a toddler.  I have to carry her.  I also have a terrible cough.  I've pulled a rib muscle from coughing.  My uterus cramps constantly from coughing.  I've already been feeling like I have a gigantic bruise in my uterus and now I know why...because I bloody well do!  Crap, crap, crappity crap crap!

Okay enough...   That's all the bitching I am allowing myself on this...okay a little more...g'dangit no sex really!?!?!?  

Frostie baby measured 2 days ahead.  at 6 weeks 5 days when I'm only 6 weeks 4 days today and the u/s was yesterday.  So that is something.  I'm just going to pray that Frostie is as much of a fighter as it's big sister is.  We asked her again yesterday if she wants a baby brother or sister and of course her answer is "No"!  LOL!  

Even if this doesn't work out.  We've already won the lotto my friends.  LolaBean is the best thing in the world.  And we've decided SCH be damned I am going to live my days like I normally would.  Whatever will be will be.

Much Love!

ks

FET Anxieties...

*Sensitive Topic - Attempt for #2* 

Feel free to skip this post if you are still in the trenches.

I'm scared.  Stepping back into the RE's office and all that IF stuff reopened all my IF scars.  They are now pulsating wounds expelling fear and anxiety all over me.  They bog down my thoughts.  I've even started to get little panic attacks about it. 

JD was a good boy and got all his testing done the day after I gave him all his sheets.  I on the other hand waited 3 weeks.  What?!  I know...  I didn't call in on my last day 1 to schedule my biopsy.  I haven't started my baby aspirin, or folic acid.  I've actually lost my prescriptions for HRT, prednisone and antibiotics.  This is all so out of character for me.

I've spent the last 8 months getting my body ready for this.  I've lost the weight, toned my muscles, I'm eating healthy (sometimes), I'm almost ready.  Friday I have an appointment at a laser clinic to quit smoking again.  (Urrggghhh I know!)  I did one triathlon, 2 runs, and 1 bike race, so I did almost all the physical goals I wanted to achieve this summer before we went into baby mode again.

So what is holding me back...  FEAR

What if it doesn't work?  I know I sound selfish, I feel really bad about having all these feelings.  I just wish it was more our choice to be complete with our family.  Instead it's IF and finances that gets to make that choice for us.  It's not just fear of it not working and all hope being lost that is plaguing me.  It's also fear about Lola and how she will feel not being the one and only.  Surprisingly though I do not worry about my capacity to love another baby.  I know that it will be automatic and as all encompassing as my love for LolaBean is.  But I worry that I won't get as much one on one time with my sweet LolaBean.  And really these are silly fears.  First we have to get over the big hurdles.  Defrost, survive, attach, grow, have a heartbeat, and holding on.  Oh God there are just so many stars that need to line up for frostie to work. 

I don't want to be done.  I don't want to close the door on our family.  I wish I could make my body work 100% the way it should.  I wish all of us could experience babies in our bellies, and healthy babies in our arms.  I wish I was going into this FET with more than 1.  I wish for a lot of things.  But right now I wish for my inner warrior to fight her way out and attack the FET prep the way I should.  With confidence and hope in my heart. 

Thank you for letting me voice my fears and talk myself off my ledge.  Another post is coming in 2 days.  I've got lots written in my head, I just need to find time on the computer!  LOL!

Much Love!

ks