PPD - Yes or No?

No Running Diaries this week as I kind of sucked last week and only got in 2 runs.  But there just might be a reason for my lack of motivation...  Post Partum Depression.  Is this is it or is it just life stress catching up to me?  I seem to be a having anxiety.  It came on pretty soon after delivery and has increased in frequency of episodes since.  Now let me explain why I don't 100% believe this is PPD...

Okay I had written a large piece explaining everything but I have decided I don't want to share the specifics.  Let's just say things are rather precarious with our business' right now.  Lots of employee issues.  Lots of decisions to be made.  Some by choice some being forced.  And they are all scary.  One option leaves us in a better place stress wise but it may not be fees able to support our family and have staff.  So you can understand my anxiety.  I'm even having an anxiety attack just thinking about it....

But I have been proactive about this.  I spoke with my ob/gyn on Friday about it.  He has prescribed me something for the anxiety.  It's safe to take while breast feeding.  I have started it but I don't feel anymore settled yet and he did tell me it will take 1-2 weeks to kick in.  

I know my hormones are probably exasperating this, but I do tend to think that this is 3 years of stress from work just getting to the boiling point.  And there have been some issues with JD and I about the work problem that are just getting bigger and bigger.  I'm getting madder and madder and my anxiety is building as I don't think he truly understands my point.  He needs to realize that he needs to take care of us and let his family take care of themselves.  The extra $500 - $800 a month that he 'helps' them out every month is making the difference in us paying our bills on time and in full....  It NEEDS to STOP!!!!  He owes them nothing and we are his family we need to be his number 1 priority.  

All of this to explain that it is affecting my ability to parent my girls in the way I wish.  I'm so tense and stressed that I'm short with them.  And with Lucy having reflux and crying most afternoons for hours, I am a ball of knots.  Plus with the anxiety attacks coming out of nowhere at times...it's all just too much sometimes.

Okay I have to run...Lucy is wailing yet again...I'll keep you all posted if the medication actually works, or if I pull my hair out from the screaming infant!  Lol! 

Much Love!

ks

1-2 cm's and UpDates

That's where I am at today...well correction as of yesterday.  So it appears this little girl will be making her appearance early as well.  I'm really hoping I am one of those woman that just walks around 2 cm's dilated for like a week or so.  I would love to keep her cooking until at least 37 weeks, regardless of how uncomfortable I am.  

We also have our maternity photo's booked for Sunday (Father's Day) and I would really like to get those done.   But it's not up to me!

I'm still working and I don't know that that is really helping us any.  Since I'm up and down the whole day.  JD is scheduled to work the next 7 days straight.  So if I'm not here I'm home alone with Lola.  Our business life BLOWS the BIG Gigantic gonads right now...!!!!  Angry face!   I just know that when I do go into labor it's going to be this big freaking deal for our staff (only one guy) to pull his act together and get into the office.  He's always a nightmare when you ask for that little bit more out of him.  Through the last 2 years he is the only person that has gotten 1 1/2 days off every week and a weekend off every month.  Anyway...can you tell I'm a bit cranky?  Lol!  

Okay so now onto the updates...

Lola's 2nd birthday was a blast.  She had a fantastic day.  She had a surprise visit from Grandma and Grandpa!  She adores my parents.  And they spoiled her with a play cottage that she LOVES!!!  When she wakes up in the morning she looks out the window and screechs "My House!".  God Love Her she makes me laugh!  We took her to Chu.ckie Che.ese with her Nana, Uncle, Aunt and cousins.  She was very much over stimulated.  I think it was too much for her.  She wouldn't eat there, or even back at Nana's.  I think she was in overload.  She loves her cousins (the twins) and they just ramp her up, and then with her Grandparents all there, it was all too much.  We got home late (8pm) from our outing and she immediately ran into the kitchen, climbed into her chair and yelled at me "Eat Now Mommy!"  So suffice it to say she didn't get her to bed until 9pm.  And we still had not given her our present.  And we couldn't before bed as it is an outdoor present.  So she really had a birthday weekend.   We gave her her jeep Sunday morning and she immediately took her boyfriend Teo (as she calls him) for a ride.  They were so cute with their helmets on giggling to each other, neither one steering.  Everytime we open the garage and she sees her big pink jeep her mouth opens in this big O and her eyes get really wide!  It's so funny!  

Sunday was the first really nice day we've had in 2 weeks so we spent over 5 hours outside.  Lola was awesome all weekend.  And then of course Monday hits.  And now her 2 year molars are on the move.  She still happy but she's not eating a whole lot, and she keeps pointing at her mouth and saying hurt, mommy, hurt.  Poor thing!  

Okay now onto the doggie update.

Well...she lives!  Amazingly enough our old girl made a major turn on the antibiotics.  She appears to be doing much better.  The vet advised us the eye no longer looks as though it is going to rupture.  Thank Gosh!!!  She may take longer than a young dog would to heal and there may be scarring but she should be okay.  Now mind you she is still blind as she is that old.  But it's all manageable.  I know her time is very limited.  But I really wanted her to make it to this one's birth and I wanted her in Lola's 2 year photos.  Cheezie I know...whateves...if you aren't a dog person you won't get it.

Okay I'm going to go and eat and drink something.  Please pray these are just braxton hicks!  One more week cupcake, one more week!

Much Love!

ks

Work Frustrations and Life Venting

Argh!  I'm so frustrated right now!  JD has been working for over 5 weeks straight with no day off.  The only option for a day off is for me to work for him and he hasn't let me do that yet.  I've tried every week but he always says no.  We have been training a new employee for the last 4 weeks and his first solo day on counter was supposed to be Sunday.  JD was still going to work (in our other store) but new guy was going to be on counter all on his own.  But no...  Monday comes and new guy doesn't show.  He calls JD and says he blew out his shoulder the night before and is in ER.  They are resetting his shoulder and he'll call us later.  Well the last we heard from new guy was on Tuesday.  He hasn't called or showed up.  He was going to come in on Tuesday but apparently his Mom wouldn't let him drive...  I mean c'mon really?  You're 25 fucking years old!!!!  And it's not like there is not a ton of administrative stuff he can do here to prep him for Sunday.  He doesn't only do physical work when he's here.  So with this lack of contact we are thinking he no longer wants to work here and is too chicken to tell us.  We've had that happen before...!

Really bothers me.  At least have enough respect for us to tell us this job is not suited for you.  It's not as though we are slave drivers by any means.  And we've prepped and prepped this guy for counter.  We offered him more hours if he wanted them.  We are exceptionally flexible for our staff trying to make this as pleasant of a work environment as possible.  I don't understand why we always get the shaft.  JD says even if he calls today he's letting him go.  I however do not love this idea.  I understand it.  But I do not want to start over again.  And I'm tired of being alone.  Alone in the office with no support or help.  Alone at home with no support or help.  I've had 2 breakdowns in the last 5 weeks.  I can't do this for another 6-8 weeks.  It always takes 2 weeks to find a new employee and then training time....Oye Vay!

I had a breakdown yesterday.  It was my day off.  As I had been throwing up the night before, and Lola hasn't been eating since Saturday.  So I was keeping her home with me and her and I were going to run errands and go to my ob appointment.  Well I was trying to get out the door with her, her diaper bag, my purse, a coffee, and a warm bottle.  She started to throw a fit and I just crumpled to the floor and cried with her.  It's so childish I know.  But I'm so tired of living my life like I'm a single parent.  And I'm so tired of being stressed all the time about money, food, work, and everyone's health.  I'm trying very hard to do the best I can, but I feel like I'm failing in every aspect of my life.  

I cook 3 meals a day (all for Lola), JD and I are living on take out, yogurt and oatmeal...  I barely get any real form of exercise and neither does JD.  My house is constantly dusty with dirty floors, and I can't have the cleaning lady every other week as we can't afford it.  I'm trying really hard to get ready for this baby, but I can barely get through a regular day and adding the mountain of work that needs to be done in the basement to start her room is really daunting...  My old dog is having a neck flare again and just looking at her knowing she's in pain because we couldn't afford the surgery kills me.  I'm just stuck...And I have no family support where I am, so I'm alone.  I can't expect a lot from JD as he's working ridiculous hours and there just isn't enough time in a day.  Something has to give and it has to be soon.

I know the world doesn't owe us anything.  And I am super happy with my family.  I just wish this whole work thing could be figured out.  I wish they would hire JD for that job out West.  Or that we could at least find a normal person to hire who actually wants to work so we can at least have one day off a week together.  Is that too much to ask for?  Am I being greedy by asking for this after being given the greatest blessing of all...?  That's the crutch really.  I feel terrible for bitching and moaning because "hey we kicked infertility's ass"!  But does that make me less of an average person?  One that can't get overwhelmed by life's struggles?  One that can't get frustrated with a toddler who is so independent and stubborn it's impossible to get her to do anything she is not ready for?  Argh!!!

JD and I have had non stop struggle the entire time we've been married.  Never in our relationship though.  If anything it has always brought us closer.  But I'm tired of always having to look for my inner strength.  We need a break...  We need things to start going our way soon.  

Okay pity party over.  I'm off to watch another episode of Bre.aking Ba.d!

Much Love!

ks

Low...

I'm feeling a bit blue.  It's really a combination of things.  I know any of you that are reading this that are still trying are thinking suck it up.  And I am trying.  I'm just having a very hard time believing that everything is going to be okay.  I'm having trouble seeing the finish line.  I think a lot of it comes down to having no self esteem...  I feel like I'm not a good enough person to deserve our happy ending.  I just feel like the diagnosis of infertility was such a gigantic blow, and maybe it's because I beat myself up for it for so long.  I know our IF is not necessarily MY fault, but it's hard not to think that way when it is your body that fails.

Second thing that makes me feel low is how difficult this pregnancy has been.  It has been fraught with worry and bad tests.  I have another series of test results coming on Thursday.  Let's just see if I can pass these.  I always dreamed of being one of those cute short tiny pregnant woman, and I just feel like a freaking butter ball.  My belly isn't that big, as I've gained the weight every where.  And the weight gain is difficult for someone who battled an eating disorder for years.  I remind myself daily that this weight is for Lola, and I can work my arse off  later.  This I can seem to shake off, but still there are days when it really brings me down.

Thirdly, $$$$.  We spent so much money on trying to have a baby, that we have set ourselves back at least 5 years.  We own our own business which means when the economy takes a dive we take a dive.  And man the last year has been very tough.  A lot of people think that if you own your own business you live very well.  Let me tell you this is so not the case.  If we have a poop month, we pay our employees and we take the cut.  Which is what has been happening for the last while.  There is nothing we can do about it either.  Our business is very much like this, you have seasons where you make a ton of $ and then some where you run in the red.  It's always been like this.  So we have to save every penny during the really good months to make sure we can do payroll on the off months.  And now with me leaving the office our payroll is going to balloon.  So I'm really feeling the stress. 

Blahh!!!  I'm sorry to be such a Debbie Downer.  This is actually why I haven't been posting very much lately.  I'm sure I'll snap out of it soon, but you know how sometimes purging yourself of your feelings and fears, make it easier?  Well that's what I'm hoping happens tonight.

Much Love!

ks

Filter Free Friday!

I just stumbled across this in another blog and I thought 'What a wonderful idea!'  So if you have something that you normally wouldn't state out loud or that is a little risky feel free to let the words fly on Filter Free Friday!

My Filter Free Friday involves work...  I have just spent the last 1/2 hour trying to get my companies totally useless program to work so I could sell some items to a customer.  Instead of it being done properly I had to break down and do up a receipt on Word.  Are you f'in kidding me folks?!?!  We are a world wide company with one of the best rental programs on the market and yet for our smaller supplies that we sell we have a different completely useless piece of shit program that never works!  I can't for the life of me figure out what they are paying these techs for?!?! 

In my earlier years I worked for a campaign manager/fundraiser and one of my jobs was creating working databases that could run a whole host of programs.  I know it is not hard to program this thing to work and work well.  I mean we live in a technical society folks, I should not still be running off receipts on a dot matrix printer!  Arrrggghhh!!!

But alas we only own 2 locations so in the scheme of things we are little fish in a big pond and our complaints are heard by deaf ears.  There are so many memos we have done and meetings we have been to where we have provided them with money making changes (and I mean we are talking about and extra $40,000 revenue per month) that have never happened.  And these aren't one off ideas this is how we successfully stayed in business for 32 years prior to them joining our family.

Common sense seems to be a thing of the past.  It is not something that can be taught at business school, or that comes with Harvard education in Economics.  And I will tell you this if you do not have common sense when working in business you will not succeed.  It boggles my mind how, now a days the totally useless people seem to get ahead...  I just don't get it...

Okay so there is my rant for the day!  I normally would not discuss too much of my work on here but there you have it folks, today I will require a doughnut to bring my blood pressure down a notch as I seem to be surrounded by morons doing a half assed job!

Much Love!

ks