I've written 3 blog posts about this. The drama that I am going to write about is an issue that has been present for a very long, LONG time. Unfortunately things have gotten so out of hand that JD and I (well my entire family) has had to make one of the hardest decisions.
My brother is an alcoholic.
He has been for many years. Approximately 25 years.
The drinking started when his roommate and his best friend were killed. He was supposed to have been with them, but thankfully was spared by a girlfriend who didn't want him to go out. They were killed because of drunk driving. This was the catalyst to my brother drowning his sorrows in Crown Royal. We lived on the other side of the country at the time, and had no clue how bad the drinking became. When my parents found out they promptly moved him to our province, and attempted to get him on the straight path.
For the next 25 years my parents turned a blind eye to the binge drinking. And all the trouble he seemed to get into. They bailed him out of trouble with the law (2x). They bailed him out of housing issues (3x). They bailed him out of a marriage, and 2 common law wives. They enable him by loving him unconditionally and ensuring he never hits rock bottom.
For the last 6 years JD and I have been very open about our feelings with the issue. We've been very vocal about our belief that he needs help, and that they are not helping him. We had enough when we were contacted during our cycle for Lola (in Washington) that B had had the police called on him 3x in 24 hours, and was falling down drunk throwing beer bottles at his neighbours garage at 3am! This is NOT normal behaviour... 6 weeks later I was pregnant with Lola and baby b, when B decided to lose his mind on me, screaming and carrying on, this lasted most of the night...The following morning I had a massive bleed and 5 days later I lost B's heartbeat... So yeah..there is some history with B and I.
There is a LOT more to B's behaviour that has now brought it all to the front of everyone's mind. He has burned bridges with our other brother T and his wife J. He hadn't talked to them in 2 years. They are fully in agreement that B needs rehab and mental help. My parents however have continued to stay fast and support him.
Until...
3 weeks ago B started spiralling again. I won't go into the dirty details. But he has left no one in the family safe from his attacks. He is in an extremely unhealthy relationship. She is a wino, and extremely confrontational. Unfortunately she is also extremely manipulative and controlling and has been on a mission for the last 2 years to separate my brother from his family. And it appears (to us at least) as though she is poisoning his mind whilst being his drinking buddy.
B is spiralling so out of control that we are receiving drunk emails (he is now blocked via phone/text) at 5 am, 8 am and 10 am. And you ask "How do we know he is drunk?" Oh it is very clear. They are incoherent. And when the first 3 arrived, my other brother actually received a phone call at the same time and B could barely string a sentence together. My father called him as well, and said there was ZERO question that B was extremely intoxicated. Oh and did I tell you these are coming in on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings!!! So yes he is drinking all night into the morning hours and then logging onto his work computer and 'working' remotely!
How in the world he still has a job is beyond me.
My fear...is that he is still driving. He has never been adverse to driving drunk. I've contacted some people to see if I can get him on a watch list of sorts, and I can NOT. My hands are tied here unless I call it in when I SEE him driving drunk. Pretty hard to do when you are 4 hours away.
I promised this was the short version, so I best get to where we are today.
As a family, we have decided to stop all contact with my brother until he seeks help. Help meaning REHAB. There is nothing we can do while he is in this relationship. We refuse to be his punching bag. My parents have agreed to stop bailing him out of trouble...and trouble is coming. We are not going to respond to any more of his abusive emails. All he/she wants is conflict and we are not going to be sucked in to their drama. They are cancerous toxic people. **some of the emails read as though she has written them...he refers to himself in the 4th (?) person...It's very strange**
I hate doing this to someone I love...
I hate that it has gotten this bad...
I hate that he says such awful, hurtful, delusional things...
I hate that he has made our entire family cry, worry, and lose sleep over him...
I hate that we can not get him to see that he is sick...
I hate that we can not force him to get better...
I hate not being there for him...
I hate that we can not force him to get better...
I hate not being there for him...
And lastly...
I hate that this woman is so oblivious to the disastrous path they are walking.
If any of you have any advice about dealing with a family member with addiction and mental health issues, please let me know...if there is anything at all that we can do as a family.
Much Love!
ks
3 comments:
Oh my goodness. What a difficult situation. I'm sorry you are going through that.
My stepfather was an alcoholic. Went through inpatient rehab twice and outpatient once. Stayed sober 2-3 years each time but eventually went back to drinking. He died in 2007 from pneumonia. (He was also a two-pack-a-day smoker.)
Sadly, I think you're doing the only thing you can do. I hope your parents are able to stick to their guns.
It may be a good idea to attend an AA family meeting and talk about it and get some feedback. Also until an addict wants help they will not get help.they usually have to hit a bottom and hopefully it does not include a horrible crisis. Always let them know you love them and do not give up on them. Maybe just stay in contact via email or sending a card.You have let them know how you feel and what you think he needs to do but remember he is the addict not you. Put up boundaries and protect your family but don't totally lose touch with him just keep loving, praying and letting him know you will be there for him and don't alkways talk about his addiction if you set the right boundaries it can work out that you keep some kind of relationship.Good luck it is difficult.
Such a tough situation. We tried talking to Jaime about her drinking about a year before she died, and she always denied denied denied. Her 3 BFFs had an intervention with her 6 months before she died, and she quit talking to them for months, and had honestly just made up with her BFF the week before her death. We all kept thinking she would eventually hit rock bottom and have her stomach pumped and change her life... but that sadly never happened before her liver gave out. I don't say this to say your brother will definitely lose his battle by any means, but really, they have to want to change from within. You have reached a place where you need to protect yourself and your kids, and that's okay too. I think an Al-Anon meeting would be great for you guys to go to in order to get a handle on how to support an addict - even if that means cutting him off completely. Good luck hon, it's not an easy battle for anyone.
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