December 15, 2015

Failing at Life... (WARNING language)

**WARNING**
You're going to see the side of me I hide.  The real side of me.  I have no self confidence in my abilities.  Sorry correction in myself period...

FUCK!
Some days you just feel like a complete and utter failure in everything that you do.  I'm there.

This is my hardest week at school.  EXAMS..
Oh and have I told you all that I absolutely suck sh!t at test writing.  I have gone into a final with an 80 and come out with a 51!  I'm EPIC!!!

Well...I've just gone and done it again.  FUCK!

And everyone in my course is laughing and joking about how easy this exam was.  And I blew it.  Of course I'm out of it now and I have found the example I couldn't find during it.  FUCK!
< I'm hanging my head in total shame >
< tears are starting to fall >

I try so hard all semester.  I had some set backs this semester though.  I was very sick during mid terms and blew those apart.  But I picked up my grades with many 100% on assignments.  We had a trip to Vegas right smack in the last month, terrible timing!  Of course this exam (I just blew) was based on everything we learned in that one class...  Seriously out of 14 weeks she had to select week 8 to pull the entire exam from!  FML!

Well since I'm here bitching and moaning I might as well tell you where else I suck.

Lucy...  :(

Ok my daughter hates me.  She's always telling me "No Mommy, mean Mommy!'  Last night she smacked me while I was trying to blow dry her hair.  This morning dropping her off at daycare she wouldn't even say bye to me.  No love you Mommy, no kiss and hug...Nope nothing.

And this isn't just today...
Unfortunately this has been going on for awhile.
I know she's 2.  I tell myself that all the time.  I know she's super independent.  I also remind myself of that.  And yes she does do it to Daddy every now and again.  But it is ALWAYS Mommy that is mean, or robbed of kisses, or no hugs at bed, or getting slapped.

To say this doesn't break my heart would be a lie.

I just feel like I'm failing every which way I turn.

Even my running is taking a massive hit with school, JD's terrible hours, and no free time EVER!

Argh!  It'll get better....I'm just repeating it to myself...Do I believe this...Nope!

On the plus I have landed a co-op for January.
But I'm terrified I will fail at this also.
FUCK!

I've written this all out and no one is probably going to read it, as I have also failed and being a consistent blogger.

Whatever...I'm going to go for a ciggy and a cry.

Much Love (to whoever still bothers to read)
ks



4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Some people have test anxiety and that is just a fact. That does not make you a failure. There may be some techniques you can learn to help you control that test anxiety more. As for Lucy, she is acting like a 2 year old. She loves you and hopefully she will grow out of this phase soon. Try not to let her see that it bothers you at all when she doesn't give you a hug or kiss. That may make it better. Hope things get better soon!

Non Sequitur Chica said...

My daughter just turned 2 and does the same thing. Her favorite phrase is "No Mommy." She has hit a couple of times but we read the book "Hands are not for Hitting" and she seems to get it. She also refuses to give hugs/kisses at bed sometimes and I think that is a very normal behavior. You have to remember that being a toddler is all about independence vs needing parents. She is testing her boundaries and doesn't actually mean it when she tells you that you are mean or when she doesn't say goodbye at daycare. The good news is that she feels comfortable at daycare- enough that it is not a long, prolonged goodbye from you every day.

S said...

Oh honey. I've never taken your blog off my feed reader, and I always look forward to seeing your posts.

I think we all feel like we're failing at times. I know I do, and I hear this from my friends, too. Doesn't mean it's true, but it sure feels true sometimes.

I'm sorry Lucy is making you feel bad with her behavior toward you. I do agree with previous comments that this can be part of a toddler asserting her independence. And every kid is a bit different so just because your older girl may not have done it doesn't make it abnormal. I can understand how hurtful it is.

I hope you start feeling better soon. Are you recovered from the health issues you were dealing with?

charliesbird said...

If we were all perfect, none would ever see a shrink, need help or ever blog. Sounds pretty normal to me, with small kids; maybe cut yourself some slack, take it easy over Christmas, and see what the new year holds - I'm all for the attitude of "New year, clean slate, new chances".