August 28, 2012

FET Anxieties...

*Sensitive Topic - Attempt for #2* 
Feel free to skip this post if you are still in the trenches.

I'm scared.  Stepping back into the RE's office and all that IF stuff reopened all my IF scars.  They are now pulsating wounds expelling fear and anxiety all over me.  They bog down my thoughts.  I've even started to get little panic attacks about it. 

JD was a good boy and got all his testing done the day after I gave him all his sheets.  I on the other hand waited 3 weeks.  What?!  I know...  I didn't call in on my last day 1 to schedule my biopsy.  I haven't started my baby aspirin, or folic acid.  I've actually lost my prescriptions for HRT, prednisone and antibiotics.  This is all so out of character for me.

I've spent the last 8 months getting my body ready for this.  I've lost the weight, toned my muscles, I'm eating healthy (sometimes), I'm almost ready.  Friday I have an appointment at a laser clinic to quit smoking again.  (Urrggghhh I know!)  I did one triathlon, 2 runs, and 1 bike race, so I did almost all the physical goals I wanted to achieve this summer before we went into baby mode again.

So what is holding me back...  FEAR

What if it doesn't work?  I know I sound selfish, I feel really bad about having all these feelings.  I just wish it was more our choice to be complete with our family.  Instead it's IF and finances that gets to make that choice for us.  It's not just fear of it not working and all hope being lost that is plaguing me.  It's also fear about Lola and how she will feel not being the one and only.  Surprisingly though I do not worry about my capacity to love another baby.  I know that it will be automatic and as all encompassing as my love for LolaBean is.  But I worry that I won't get as much one on one time with my sweet LolaBean.  And really these are silly fears.  First we have to get over the big hurdles.  Defrost, survive, attach, grow, have a heartbeat, and holding on.  Oh God there are just so many stars that need to line up for frostie to work. 

I don't want to be done.  I don't want to close the door on our family.  I wish I could make my body work 100% the way it should.  I wish all of us could experience babies in our bellies, and healthy babies in our arms.  I wish I was going into this FET with more than 1.  I wish for a lot of things.  But right now I wish for my inner warrior to fight her way out and attack the FET prep the way I should.  With confidence and hope in my heart. 

Thank you for letting me voice my fears and talk myself off my ledge.  Another post is coming in 2 days.  I've got lots written in my head, I just need to find time on the computer!  LOL!

Much Love!



Jess said...

I could have writtent his same post. We are gearing up for trying again and it took me forever to get moving on all of this. This is our last chance and if it doesn't work Maddie will be an only child. Last time I was so up on all of it. I did everything on schedule and perfectly. This time I am so disorganized. I just found the piece of paper that I wrote down all of my expected fees on and it was all torn up and had a drink spilled on it. My stuff from the first attempt is all perfectly filed and labeled. Crazy!!

Praying things go well and you give Lola a sibling!

Michelle D said...

Fingers are crossed for you. There are plenty of worries no matter your road or place. Wishing you the very best with your path.

Anonymous said...

We have just completed a FET cycle for a sibling and we have a heartbeat! The fears you voiced were and some still are the same as mine. I know a second baby will be loved just as much but I worry about E and whether she will cope! I was also disorganised second time around, I think it is part survivor's guilt (you already have one wanting another is greedy - silly I know) and part a protecting mechanism. GL and go for it!

charliesbird said...

I am delurking to say I hear you; I went into 2 fresh IVF's this year in the hope of a sibling with such trepidation. I was like a teenager on the first day back at school - I don't wanna! Sadly , neither worked, and I am now slowly coming to terms with a one child family. I feel the loss of a sibling on my daughtetr's behalf so strongly, I wonder often if I am calling it quits too soon, but reluctant ovaries have forced this decision. It isn't easy, and I really hope the fear doesn't hold you back. Because as I often say to fellow IF'ers, you can't win the game if you aren't in it.

Princess Wahna Bea Mama said...

We aren't even at the point of wanting to think about whether to stop our family as it is or try for a sibling for Ian, and I still worry about all the things you mentioned and more. I think infertility can really ramp up the doubt and fear in even the strongest of us. Just know, there are a lot of people out here in bloggy land praying for your success and sending you love.

LisainSK said...

Hey KS...sorry I've been such a shitty blog and FB friend. Wow! No kidding! I have NO idea how you could even walk into the IVF clinic's office to start all that stuff again. But you can do can do this! Here rootin' for ya!