*Sensitive Topic - Attempt for #2*
Feel free to skip this post if you are still in the trenches.
I'm scared. Stepping back into the RE's office and all that IF stuff reopened all my IF scars. They are now pulsating wounds expelling fear and anxiety all over me. They bog down my thoughts. I've even started to get little panic attacks about it.
JD was a good boy and got all his testing done the day after I gave him all his sheets. I on the other hand waited 3 weeks. What?! I know... I didn't call in on my last day 1 to schedule my biopsy. I haven't started my baby aspirin, or folic acid. I've actually lost my prescriptions for HRT, prednisone and antibiotics. This is all so out of character for me.
I've spent the last 8 months getting my body ready for this. I've lost the weight, toned my muscles, I'm eating healthy (sometimes), I'm almost ready. Friday I have an appointment at a laser clinic to quit smoking again. (Urrggghhh I know!) I did one triathlon, 2 runs, and 1 bike race, so I did almost all the physical goals I wanted to achieve this summer before we went into baby mode again.
So what is holding me back... FEAR
What if it doesn't work? I know I sound selfish, I feel really bad about having all these feelings. I just wish it was more our choice to be complete with our family. Instead it's IF and finances that gets to make that choice for us. It's not just fear of it not working and all hope being lost that is plaguing me. It's also fear about Lola and how she will feel not being the one and only. Surprisingly though I do not worry about my capacity to love another baby. I know that it will be automatic and as all encompassing as my love for LolaBean is. But I worry that I won't get as much one on one time with my sweet LolaBean. And really these are silly fears. First we have to get over the big hurdles. Defrost, survive, attach, grow, have a heartbeat, and holding on. Oh God there are just so many stars that need to line up for frostie to work.
I don't want to be done. I don't want to close the door on our family. I wish I could make my body work 100% the way it should. I wish all of us could experience babies in our bellies, and healthy babies in our arms. I wish I was going into this FET with more than 1. I wish for a lot of things. But right now I wish for my inner warrior to fight her way out and attack the FET prep the way I should. With confidence and hope in my heart.
Thank you for letting me voice my fears and talk myself off my ledge. Another post is coming in 2 days. I've got lots written in my head, I just need to find time on the computer! LOL!