January 10, 2012

Embarrassed!

What am I embarrassed about you wonder????
ME
That's right I'm embarrassed with what I've allowed to happen to me.  I'm going to admit somethings on this blog that are very personal and not too pretty.  It might give you a better picture of me and why I am so embarrassed.

When I was in my early 20's I had an eating disorder.  I didn't eat.  And when I did eat I threw it all up.  I weighed in at a shocking 86 lbs. at my lowest weight.  I don't really know how it all started but it got out of control and took over my life for about 3 years...+...  And I add the plus because even today I struggle with not falling into those old habits of just not eating.  I still have to remind myself to eat breakfast, eat lunch, eat dinner...it's necessary...okay so onto why I'm so embarrassed.

When I was in the start of trying to conceive I weighed 126 lbs.  (a great weight).  I was starting to think there was a problem with us conceiving, but JD wanted to wait the year to seek out help, so I waited.  And in 3 months I gained 25 lbs.  Now mind you I was getting depressed, drinking a bit too much and not working out, so I attributed it to the internal struggle I was having.  Fast forward 6-8 months.  We finally go to the Dr to see if there is a problem, he notices the weight gain but shrugs it off.  Move to an OB, proceed with testing and book a surgery.  Low and behold with all the testing we discover I was have thyroid disease.  So if your counting I'm now 150 some odd pounds.  It takes us 6 months to get my thyroid in order and I'm assured that the weight will correct itself when my TSH is in the right range (LIARS).  By the time we get to an RE I've ballooned up to 165 lbs.  !!!  JEEZ!!!

Through the failed testing and failed attempts with my own eggs and a failed DE cycle, I finally decide to take control of the only thing I get to control, my weight.  We started working out (hard), we really watched what we ate.  It took almost a year but I got back down to 145 lbs prior to our successful cycle.  And then pregnancy...Weight gain...bed rest...sitting on my arse allowing it to grow for 8 months...(mind you I did receive the greatest gift for giving up my body!  :)  )

Now here I sit 7 months post partum...Still FAT!  Urrgghhh!  I hate this new body.  I hate the fact that I can't seem to get rid of this baby weight.  JD has actually gained 20 lbs. since Lola arrived.  So he's not too happy with himself either.  We've decided that we are going to try to get ourselves back into form.  We started on January 2.  We are doing this to coincide with the Bigg.est Lo.ser.  So here I am laying myself bare.  Letting it all out.  Every Wednesday we are going to weigh in.  (I've stolen this idea from Donor Diva, Thanks Diva).  I'm doing this in hopes of keeping myself doing this the healthy way instead of falling into the easy, awful trap that my head wants to go to.   So yes tomorrow when you see the stats, please know I'm totally embarrassed putting it all out there.  But like my trainer says the more people you tell about your goals the more likely you are to stick with it.  So tomorrow you will get my weight, my goals and what I've done this week to try to achieve them. 

Much Love!

ks

4 comments:

Brenda said...

You are a brave woman, and I am rooting for the both of you!!!

LisainSK said...

Thanks for baring it all KS...I know you are a strong woman and that you will kick this one in the ass. I am back to my pre-pg weight but not the inches (not even close!). So just as soon as my TL recovery is over...its back to Weight Watchers/South Beach and work outs. Actually, we are in the process of purchasing home gym equipment now as me+LN10+outside gym=doesn't happen. Thank GOD for workplace fitness equipment finance plans!!

Anonymous said...

You are amazing. The weight doesn't matter.... The health matters. So what you are doing now is prolonging your life to be with our beautiful girl. You can do it. If there is anyone out there more determined I'd like to meet them. Just get ready for this summer when we are side by side completing a triathlon. I love you
JD

Jen said...

Good luck with your weight loss journey. It's tough. I've struggled with weight my entire life and this IF journey has NOT helped. I hate that weight is such an embarrassing issue. Good for you for putting it all out there and good luck!