August 18, 2011


After the failures and the surgery to totally sterilize me, I had no dreams.  Sure we had entered into a new fantastic program.  But my heart was jaded.  I was going through the motions for JD.  He believed.  He needed us to try.  We had to go down swinging.  I was stuck in the belief that failure was all I would ever know.  Still full of anger, I had to find an outlet.  I was so close to making the call and asking for meds to help me through this.  But I know I wouldn't have been doing it for the right reasons.  After our one failure I took over 80 Tylenol 3's in one week.  I just wanted to zone out.  I needed to work.  I was a zombie yes, but I wasn't crying at work.  One foot was going in front of the other.  I was a shell.

I found a new dream.  A new goal.  I wanted to do a triathlon.  With all the years of heartache, my body had taken a hit.  What once was a 120 lb woman was now a 165 lb mess.  I started riding.  I started running.  I started training.  The weight started to shift.  We were prepping to cycle, and I wasn't focused on it.  I was getting ready for a 40km bike race (did it in an hour 25!).  The night before transfer I ran 5 miles.  Even after transfer I still didn't believe...but...

5 days later we had a positive home pregnancy test.  7 days post transfer we had a good first beta.  And on 11/11 we saw 2 beautiful heartbeats.  And all of a sudden I was so full of hope.  My dreams were coming true.  I was on cloud 9.  We started talking names again.  We started planning.  We started believing that this was going to happen.  But 2 days later...I started to bleed.  I called for JD.  The blood was pouring out of me.  He came into the bathroom, looked, screamed NO and dropped to his knees.  I will never forget that cry...  Again I was failing him.  Again I was crushing us.  Again I was having our lives turned from dreams full of hope to a black dark horror. 

After hours in the ER we saw 2 heartbeats and a large SCH.  But they were both there, they were hanging on.  Baby B however was still smaller, and really close to the SCH.  But the damage was done.  My heart was broken.  My dreams were not going to be reinstalled.  And 5 days later it was confirmed Baby B had passed away.  B was still there but the SCH was 3x bigger and unfortunately detached B.  My heart broke.  How is it something so small, could have been so deeply implanted into my heart.  At week 17 B was still there.  A constant reminder of what could have been.

Throughout my pregnancy we prepared for a baby.  But only after week 20.  And I still wouldn't believe.  I still wouldn't dream.  Instead I dreamt of miscarriages, still births, I dreamt of loss.  Even in the delivery room, I still didn't believe she was going to make it.  She was so small.  But my little fighter.  My Gemini (twin) baby, as stubborn as her mom, fought, and today I now have new dreams.

I dream of her learning to sit up on her own.  I dream of her learning to crawl, walk, talk, and laugh.  I dream of hearing her little voice say I love you Mommy. 

I dream of her being surrounded with Lots Of Love Always. 

Some things I could never have imagined happening are moments I cherish multiple times a day.  When she snuggles into my neck.  When she stares up at me with these big inquisitive eyes.  When she falls asleep on my chest and I'm able to smell her lovely little head.  When she smiles in her sleep.  When she farts louder than Dad!  These aren't the moments I dreamed of in 2007, they are better.  I appreciate every second I have with my daughter.  She doesn't have my eyes, or hair, or my DNA.  She is an original.  She is Lola.  Beautiful and sweet our baby girl.

Your dreams may have been taken from you.  But you never know, they may just come back to you.  It may not be how you imagined, or when you wanted.  But it can happen.  I'm definitely not 'cured' of my infertility trauma.  I was up all night last night reliving our diagnosis day.  And every day I wonder if there will ever be a sibling for LolaBean.  But tonight, my heart is full, it is healing. 

I love you LolaBean and I thank God every day for you.  I pray for every single person that helped me through our 'Inconceivable' journey.  All my blogger friends, my green girls, my family, my friends.  I love you all.  God Bless You.

Much Love!



Anonymous said...

Sniffle, sniffle...pass the kleenex please! From one DE mamma/IF sista to another...thanks for being in my life even if we've only met via blog. Lola is beautiful and so glad she has you as her mommy...

Tippy said...

thank you so much for sharing this. it is giving me hope as we enter our first DE IVF cycle... right now I'm numb too and just want to do anything but go through another 2ww... once again. dreams do come true :-) and i'm happy you have yours.