November 19, 2009

How Do I Move Forward...?

Honestly... I don't know what to do with myself. I'm either in a fog or so angry I want to punch, kick, bite, anything to try to release some of this anger. I have had boughts of anger about POF, but nothing like this. I'm just a hot mess that this didn't work.  Every where I turn people are posting announcements.  4 announcements in the last week on stalk book.  On my support forum, 2 of the other ladies I was cycle buddies with both posted bfp's...  I'm happy for them I really am...but it feels like a dagger into my already shattered heart.

Fuck me I can barely make eye contact with my hubby right now.  I'm just so ashamed that my body is such a broken down piece of shit at 31!  I've told him to leave me.  I don't understand why he stays.  He's still pretty young, he can find someone new, someone better, someone who can give him what he wants.  A family.

Trust me I don't want to be reminded that I have 2 frosties.  We have 2...that's it...what are the chances that both will survive the thaw and attach.  Slim to shit...  I mean c'mon this is JD and I.  If we didn't have bad luck, we'd have no fucking luck!

I'm back at work today.  And it's AWESOME!  I hope you can hear my sarcasm!  I really want to do nothing.  I want to hide in my house, hug my doggies, and drink my coffee.  I know this feeling will fade.  I just wish there was some way to numb all this pain.  I just wish that the days didn't feel like years. 


Mad Hatter said...

I'm so sorry you feel so awful at the moment, and I wish I could flip a switch and make it all better. NONE OF THIS IS FAIR.

As requested, I won't mention your frosties. I will say this, though.

I can see that you're in your early thirties. I am not sure how much you've explored other avenues in addition to IVF, but if you've been reading my blog, you know that I have POF, too, and have been taking DHEA and using acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine and naturopathy. No, I'm not pregnant yet, but I am confident I will be, and I'm way older than you are - 38. That's because ll of these things are not only making me more fertile - they improve my overall wellbeing and they empower me.

I just got a BFN myself yesterday, and I thought I would be devastated, but I am doing okay and I really think that's only because of all the other things I'm doing.

I realize we're all different - I don't know all the details of your diagnosis and your history. I just want you to know I understand the frustration of POF and if you're interested in finding out more about DHEA or any of the other things I'm doing, please don't hesitate to e-mail me.

You're not alone. You're very young yet, and your husband loves you very much, and you will find a way through this. And we are all here, supporting you.


CatMama75 said...

Hey KS,

Just made the connection that you are the same KS on the yellow "Looking to become a mom thru..." board. Gosh, I'm so sad to read your updates. There is not logic, no fairness. It's horrendous. Just wanted you to know I am here beside you, sitting in the mud.


Tiffany said...

I'm not going to pump you full of some mumbo jumbo fairy dust crap, just know I am thinking of you and I have been there. Some how it gets easier. I had three failed well built up cycles and each one was harder than the last, nothing helped except moving forward, some wine, and knowing you are not alone. You are not alone, we have been there and we are here for you. Time will heal and you will somehow find a way to move onto the next step.