July 12, 2016

Still Here, Still Unsure

I am still here.  I am still reading blogs.  I just seem to have very little time to actually write, edit and post anything of importance.  And really what do I have to say that is important...Lol!

I am currently in my last semester of school.  I have one more (possibly 2, I need to look into this) work term and then I should be done.  I say I need to look into this as they have changed my course and it is now coming up with 3 work terms required.  Which if that is the case...I might just skip the diploma, I've worked so hard for.  I say this because as I am a co-op student I incur less pay.  I don't know.  We'll see what the next few months bring.

I'm in 7 classes this semester.  And it is INSANE!  I definitely took on more than I should have.  I'm struggling to keep up.  Thankfully there is not an insane amount of programming or else I would never sleep.  I seem to have a ridiculous amount of gen ed assignments, so a ton of essays, research assignments, and excel presentations.  Blech!!!!   I do have one class that has me programming until 3-3:30 in the morning.  But I enjoy it and I need to keep practicing so that is great.

I had originally signed up to run my first full marathon in October.  And because my work load, JD working every weekend and the girl's schedules being insane, I'm struggling getting in my long runs. Time and the fact that I'm still working my way back after a bad blow up of hip bursitis.  I'm now thinking of dropping down to the half.  It's just too difficult as JD is trying to train at the same time, and it is always chose and pick who gets to go.  He never gets up early to get in his run.  He really doesn't consider anyone else's schedule, so I'm making allowances and sacrificing (as I did during ironman training) again.  He really irritates me somedays.  After 18 years together that is bound to happen.   I'm also trying to work in a little bikram yoga.  That too is proving very challenging.  We had a decent schedule going, well one we adjusted to (after 4 years) and I was able to go to Wednesday and Thursday 6 am (90 minute) yoga classes.  BUT now JD's schedule has changed and those are now out, and the evening classes are just a little too late for me to get too, since my spouse isn't home until 7 the only class options I have are 8 pm 90 minute classes that are 25 minutes away. CRAPTASTIC.

Time just never seems to be on my side.

Onto what I'm unsure of...

We are still on the fence about trying again.  Since the change to coverage for one IVF in Ontario we have really considered trying for one more (hopefully a little boy).  Here is where we go back and forth.  We'd love to try again.  We understand it will still cost us approx $10k (donor fees and meds) and it is hard on my body and my psyche.  But the desire is still very strong for me.  Not as strong for JD, but I ache for one more baby.  I really want to feel one kick again inside me, I want to hold one at my breast again and rock a baby all night...just one more time.  However, I'm 38 now and only just starting a new career.  We have zero savings left after our first 7 year battle and the economy the last few years, plus my being in school...  And what if it doesn't work?  And what if it does?  What if we are left with like 5 extra embryos?  We've always been no man left behind mentality, but lordy, I really only want one more.  And the rules in Ontario is to transfer only 1 at a time.  so we limit the risk of twins with a successful transfer, but lord what if it works and we have left over embryos? What then?  Do you see where I am?  I'm stuck in this indecisive circle.  I don't know what the right answer is.  I keep saying let's give it a year and see how we feel.  I think the next time I go to my GP, I'll ask for a referral to an RE and at least get the ball moving.  Get us on the list for a funded cycle.  I have already looked at donor agencies.  The wait for a funded cycle can exceed a year, so it doesn't hurt to get on the list...right?

I'm in class now so I guess I better start paying attention.

Much Love!


1 comment:

S said...

I would agree that it doesn't hurt to get on the waiting list. If, when your time on the list comes up, you have decided not to pursue IVF, I'm sure that they would just move to the next person.

I can't believe how much you have going on. You are Superwoman