Angry and Sad

Why can't this just work out?  Have we not paid our dues?  Have we not struggled enough?  Apparently not.  As you can tell I am angry about the loss of Bebe B.  And I'm terrified that Bebe A is following B's same path.  Here is what we found out last Thursday...

Apparently Bebe B's heart stopped at approximately 6wk5dys from what I could tell of the scan.  Bebe b was still there but with no heart beat.  The SCH is quite a bit larger than everyone thought and it is smack in between the 2 sacs.  It is almost as large as Bebe A's sac.  Bebe A was measuring 7wks 3 dys which is right on track.  My u/s tech tried to reassure us that Bebe A looks good, nice and strong.  I didn't get the heart rate which I now regret.  But I don't think it would have helped me feel any better anyways. 

But how am I supposed to stop DBT's when we've already lost one.  I've been on pretty strict bed rest since Thursday, as I am still spotting.  Nothing fresh but there is always a brown discharge.  This just sucks!  If this is going to end just let it end.  This agony of losing one at a time and the bleeding is horrible.  I almost wish this cycle had just been a failure instead of all of this crap.  Since losing Bebe b a lot of my pregnancy symptoms have disappeared.  Even the baby belly I was growing has decreased.  It's very hard not to think that more doom and gloom is coming on Thursday.

I know there are a lot of stories of people who make it through an entire pregnancy with a SCH and deliver a healthy happy Bebe, but remember this is JD and I we are talking about.  We have the worst luck.  And unfortunately as recent events have shown it appears that at no time in the future is this going to change.

I hope none of my blogger friends ever have to experience this. 

Much Love

ks

Sad Day...

We have lost baby b.  I have no words right now.  Just a heavy heart.

ks

Weekend in Emergency (WARNING Graphic Post)

We are all okay now.  But what a horrible weekend!  I was getting ready for work on Saturday morning I had just put in my 2 prometrium suppositories and my estrace, I was doing my hair and I felt a 'pop' and then a little gush.  I was cursing my way to the master bathroom bitching about the suppositories and the mess they make when lo behold it was not progesterone oil, but blood.  And not a little bit but a lot.  It was pouring out of me.

After JD got himself together, we immediately left for the Emergency Room.  Our Hospital was quite wonderful with us.  They really rushed to get us a bed and they made sure we had our own room with a bathroom.  It took almost 4 hours to get an u/s done though due to staffing issues.  The tech was able to find the heartbeats.  Baby A was 6wk6dys and Baby B was still 6 wk3dys, but they were there and still had heartbeats. 

Honestly I have no idea how it is possible, considering how much blood I lost, but I take solace in the positive ultra sound.  What they did find was that I have a Sub Chronic Hematoma.  It is a tear (blood clot) in the lining under the placenta that bursts.  The ER doctor assured us that it is far away from the babies and that they are fine. 

I have been on bed rest since being released on Saturday.  I'm not bleeding (fresh) anymore, but I am still bleeding.  To say that we are terrified is an understatement.  I am having another ultrasound on Thursday to make sure everyone is okay.  I pray with everything that I have that they are still there hanging in.  And I pray with all my heart that Baby B starts catching up. 

Please pray for us that this SCH heals itself soon.  And please pray that both these babies keep growing and getting stronger. 

Much Love

ks

Sad Day Today

One of our fellow blog friends is suffering loss #6 today.  My heart just breaks for Mo and Will.  They have been absolute warriors in this trying to conceive battle.  Please if you have any words for someone who has suffered repeated loss' or you just want to add your prayers and condolences, pop over to Life and Love in the Petri Dish.

Mo and Will are with the best clinic is the country.  And they have done extensive testing on the embryo prior to transfer.  I don't know why this has happened to them again.  And I don't know that they will ever truly get any answers.  This whole ttc thing is impossibly hard and unfair.  We all try to stay positive and optimistic but when you are continually faced with these types of loss' it is so very hard.

Mo & Will I am thinking of you today.  You are both in my heart and prayers.

Much Love

ks