Inconceivable!?!?!

Weekly Wednesday Weigh In

2012-02-01T19:41:00.001-05:00

Not a good week, not a good week at all! I've been sick since Saturday, and then LolaBean got sick for the last 2-3 days. Not eating as good as she should, not napping, coughing and snotting. Urrrgghhh! But every week can't be a winner and I refuse to only post the good weeks. You get all of me! The good, the bad and the chubby! LOL! Here we go!

Starting Weight: 169 lbs.

Last Week Weight: 164 lbs.

Current Weight: 164 lbs.

Realistic Goal: 145 lbs.

Ideal Goal: 125 lbs.

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal:

My goal is to get back to my healthy lifestyle. I was in a great place pre-pregnancy. I worked out 4-5 days a week. I rode in a 40 km's bike race (finished it in 1 hr 40 minutes). I was in a triathlon club! Pregnancy bed rest destroyed my body. My short term goal right now is to run a 5km race in April. My longer goal is to do a Try a Tri in September. (The weight isn't as much of an issue as my health and fitness, but the weight is the best indicator to reflect where I am at in my goals...My BMI will NEVER get listed here. That is just too embarrassing!)

2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals:

Currently I am in a running class and running 3x per week. I am also doing muscle endurance. I'm trying to get my eating habits back on track. That seems to be the hardest thing to get back. With a very energetic 8 month old sometimes quick and fattening is the easiest thing to do. I really need to curb this though. I am now making meals in advance. Tonight I am making a Mexican Chicken Stew. It may not be the lowest caloric dinner, but it's not bad, full of veggies, and is great as a left over!

Activities & goals for this coming week:

1. Make it to all my classes next week.

2. Also try to get one spin class in this week.

3. Upping my running time and adding in some sprinting work to try to up my pace.

4. Limit my eating out...Maybe only once this coming week!

5. Push myself to work that much harder in my classes. (I want to see some more sweat coming home!)

3. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.

There will be no picture right now as I am way too embarrassed to go there. But I would love to share a tip for those that are into running. When you are trying to increase your pace...When you are on your run, set a stop watch for one minute or do at least one side of a track (indoor runners) and sprint (pick up your pace to the most you can, and then go back to your regular pace. There really is no other way to improve your time. You can increase your length but not your time unless you stretch and push yourself.

To all my fellow WWW, I'm cheering you all on! I actually am meaning to do a list and I will get it done, so that you all know I'm fallowing you and cheering you on!

Much Love!

Here's to a Healthier You!

Don't Miss Nap Time!

2012-01-30T14:54:00.001-05:00

Wow! Is Lola a bear if she is late getting her nap! Monday's are tough for me especially since Lola has decided her own nap time. She likes a 45 minute nap at 10:30 and then a 2 hour nap at around 12:30. Not bad except... Monday's I have my running class at 11:00 and a mommy n me lunch date at 1:00. So for the last 2 weeks I haven't made it to my Mommy N Me lunch. Which sucks because I was just starting to make friends there.

Next week we have our Valentine's Day Party and it is an hour away (starting at 1:00!). I think I'm going to have to go to the gym for 9:30 do my run on my own (sucks) and make dang sure she at least gets a good morning nap. Today was not a good day...and I do NOT want a repeat of this. It took me 45 minutes to get her down for her nap. So she skipped her morning nap and has now been asleep since 2:00 (it's now 2:50). And man was she an angry little baby with me when I was trying to get her down. She refused her lunch, only wanted a bottle, then crawled around in her crib turning her fishes on and off, on and off, then screamed bloody murder for a half an hour. I know she is teething (top) right now so that could also be playing a part in her mood. But dang we had had such a good weekend with naps, that today really threw me for a loop!

Oh well!

I'm not expecting miracles this week on the weight loss. I've been a little under the weather for the last 3 days. And when I don't feel well I tend to revert to the easy bad for you meals. I'm trying to get back on track today. I went for my run even though I really wanted to stay home in my pj's. Crap!!!! I hear her stirring already. Well it seems as though today is kind of a wash for me. I'll probably have a super cranky baby on my hands until bedtime at 7:00. Wish me luck!

Much Love!

ks

Baby Book

2012-01-28T13:51:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Jess at A Greater Yes I am finally working on Lola's Baby Book. Now mind you I searched high and low for a proper baby book, to never find one! I have no idea why, but I think it has to do with the fact that there were a LOT of babies born this summer and I was always shopping after everyone bought up everything! LOL! But thankfully someone gave us a baby book scrap book. So having never scrap booked before I am giving it a go! I've only done 2 pages so far as Lola keeps me running 16 hours of the day. But I'm slowing banging it out. As a matter of fact right now while she is napping I am printing 14 pages of pictures! Yowza! I think I'm going to need some new ink cartridges! LOL!

I have JD home this weekend. Halleluja! So far this morning I have made Lola, apple, carrots and chicken puree for the week, cleaned out her room of all of her 6 month clothes, reorganized her closet, and now I am working on my scrapbooking while she naps. It's amazing how much you can get done when you have someone else here to play with her! I wish he was home more often...I'm sure he wishes the same though!

Well my photos are finished printing I better get back to my original job!

Much Love!

PS. If anyone has any suggestions of a good program to create a video montage on I'd love to know which ones you all are using. My program sucks and it bogs down my computer to the point where I have to shut down. I really want to make a video of our journey for Lola to have when she is older. Thanks!

Day Late! Wednesday Weigh In!

2012-01-26T12:13:00.001-05:00

Still struggling a bit! But I think that is to be expected with a 7 1/2 month old. Life can be a little unpredictable!

Starting Weight: 168 lbs.
Last Week: 165 lbs.
Current Weight: 164 lbs.
Goal Weight: 125 lbs.
Realistic Goal: 145 lbs.
(A pound a week isn't bad...I'd freakin love to see 2 though at some point! :) )

What I'm doing to achieve my goal:
I'm doing good on trying to cut my portion sizes down. I'm still not eating enough through out the day. I need to make sure that I eat at least 5-6 times through out the day and I'm still barely averaging 3x. Lola just keeps me so busy though! We still could be better about not eating out as much. But we are taking baby steps here people! Rome wasn't built in a day! LOL!

Thursday - missed my endurance class and Lola and I didn't sleep the night before!
Friday - 1 hour step class (I've never felt more out of shape and uncoordinated!)
Monday - 1 hour running class (Kept pace with everyone even though I missed the week before!)
Tuesday - 1 hour muscle endurance class
Wednesday - 1 hour Cardio Kick

Goals (other than weight)
Fit into my smaller Silver Jeans!
5 km Fibre One run on February 29!
5 km run in April with JD and Lola
Try a Tri in the summer.
What I need to do:
I need to start switching up my work outs a bit. Lola can NOT do 2 hours at the gym, so I'm going to have to skip muscle endurance once a week and hit a spin class. Either that or hit a spin class at night...(but that's usually when JD goes to the gym...) Make sure I eat enough protein to repair all the muscles that I'm trying to build!
Lower Calorie Meal Ideas/Tips
I actually don't have a recipe for you today, but I do have a helpful tip I got from my running coach. Make sure that you eat a protein within an hour of your work out. It helps repair the muscles and also gets your metabolism moving! (I really need to do this...It's a battle everyday to remind myself to fuel the engine! Eat dammit eat!)

(.) (.)

2012-01-24T16:05:00.001-05:00

That's right this post is all about the tatas! We have officially said goodbye to breastfeeding. I am actually really sad to see the end of this time Lola and I have had together. But...with 2 teeth...and the weight not moving, it's time to end it. It took us almost 8 weeks to get it together, and I was never her sole nutrition, but we were in a really good routine with it. I stopped the medication on Saturday. And it is really amazing that the only reason I had milk was due to the dom.per.idone! I haven't been engorged yet, mind you I have breast fed her 2x in the last 24 hours.

Okay must rush off, Lola is getting mad at her excersauscer!

Much Love!

ks

Weekly Wednesday Weigh In!

2012-01-18T19:42:00.000-05:00

Second Week not as good as the First but...whatever...I'm doing it!

Starting Weight: 168 lbs.
Last Week:         166 lbs.
Current Weight: 165 lbs.
Goal Weight: 125 lbs.
Realistic Goal: 145 lbs.

What I'm doing to achieve my goal:
Trying to cut my portions sizes down. Eating out less. (Failed that one this weekend! Lola was teething all weekend and battling a cold, so she had me up 3x per night, so I kept going to the easy fast food fix for my dinner. Plus I didn't eat lunch all weekend, and not eating enough of the right calories is not helping my cause any!) Allowing myself to fail every now and again, but not allowing myself to get defeated. I WILL NOT let failure set up residence in my head! I CAN and WILL do this!

Thursday     - 1 hour muscle endurance class
Friday          - 1 hour of running homework (20 minutes running, 20 minutes elliptical, and 2000 metre of rowing)
Monday      - (missed running class as Lola was still teething and was napping during running class!)
Tuesday      - 1 hour muscle endurance class, and made it thru 15 minutes of spin class (I felt guilty for trying to force Lola to stay at the gym when I knew she wanted to nap! We'll get there though!)
Wednesday - 1 hour Cardio Kick (was supposed to do my running homework but I forgot my pass for the track! Oops!)

Goals (other than weight)

Fit into my smaller Silver Jeans!

5 km run in April with JD and Lola

Try a Tri in the summer.

What I need to do.

Increase my cardio and start staying for spin class after my muscle endurance class. I also need to really limit my eating out. I need to ensure that I actually eat 3x per day minimum and snacks. Plus changing it up. Not eating the same things every day or else your body gets stagnant!

Lower Calorie Meal Ideas

This is where I have trouble. Everything I know how to cook is all self taught and I am a super picky eater. So right now in this category I'm going to start with my breakfasts and lunches, until I can figure out the low calorie dinner items...K?

Fat Free Ham and Mozza Omelet, with 2 slices of toasted Rye Bread

Just as it sounds!

2 egg omelet with 2 ounces of fat free ham and 1 ounce of mozza cheese. (I actually don't like egg white only omelets, and some fats are good fats, plus I really need the protein after my morning workouts.)

I felt super terrible about myself this weekend with all the cheating and such. And I got into my own head a little too much. That is not good for someone with a past eating disorder. But I pulled myself out of it. I reminded myself that with the thyroid problems and the breast feeding that it might take awhile for the weight to come off. And that I'm not on the Bigg.est Lo.ser, I'm not going to lose 8 pounds per week! LOL! Duhhh! And that even if I only lose 1 lbs. per week it's still better than nothing. And getting out there and moving is still better than sitting at home thinking about going to the gym!

Now if anyone has information about doing a cleanse? I'm all ears! I would love to do a week cleanse. Clean out all the toxins in my body. Start fresh so to speak! I hope everyone else trying out a "Healthy New Lifestyle" is doing good. Hang in there ladies! We are all in this together. And we are doing this for the most fabulous people! Ourselves!

Much Love!

ks

Weekly Wednesday Weigh In

2012-01-11T20:39:00.002-05:00

Here it goes!

Starting Weight:    168 lbs.
Current Weight:    166 lbs.
Goal Weight:         125 lbs.
Realistic Goal:       145 lbs.

What I'm doing to achieve my goal:

Trying to make sensible decisions. Eating when hungry (no unnecessary snacking). No more chips or fast food, and down to one coffee a day. Taking all my vitamins (apparently calcium helps you lose weight!). And drinking lots of water.

Monday - 1 hour running class.

Tuesday - 1 hour muscle endurance class

Wednesday - Lola slept through our gym time!

Goals (other than weight)

5 km run in April

Try a Tri in the summer.

What I need to do.

Increase my cardio and start staying for spin class after my muscle endurance class.

Of course there will be cheat days here and there. JD and I are not ones to make ourselves suffer. And I tell you until I get my new stove (next Wednesday) I'm sure there is going to be a lot of subs consumed for dinner in the next week. (my stove shuts on and off and burns at super hot mode for no reason, piece of crap!).

Embarrassed!

2012-01-10T20:55:00.000-05:00

What am I embarrassed about you wonder????

That's right I'm embarrassed with what I've allowed to happen to me. I'm going to admit somethings on this blog that are very personal and not too pretty. It might give you a better picture of me and why I am so embarrassed.

When I was in my early 20's I had an eating disorder. I didn't eat. And when I did eat I threw it all up. I weighed in at a shocking 86 lbs. at my lowest weight. I don't really know how it all started but it got out of control and took over my life for about 3 years...+... And I add the plus because even today I struggle with not falling into those old habits of just not eating. I still have to remind myself to eat breakfast, eat lunch, eat dinner...it's necessary...okay so onto why I'm so embarrassed.

When I was in the start of trying to conceive I weighed 126 lbs. (a great weight). I was starting to think there was a problem with us conceiving, but JD wanted to wait the year to seek out help, so I waited. And in 3 months I gained 25 lbs. Now mind you I was getting depressed, drinking a bit too much and not working out, so I attributed it to the internal struggle I was having. Fast forward 6-8 months. We finally go to the Dr to see if there is a problem, he notices the weight gain but shrugs it off. Move to an OB, proceed with testing and book a surgery. Low and behold with all the testing we discover I was have thyroid disease. So if your counting I'm now 150 some odd pounds. It takes us 6 months to get my thyroid in order and I'm assured that the weight will correct itself when my TSH is in the right range (LIARS). By the time we get to an RE I've ballooned up to 165 lbs. !!! JEEZ!!!

Through the failed testing and failed attempts with my own eggs and a failed DE cycle, I finally decide to take control of the only thing I get to control, my weight. We started working out (hard), we really watched what we ate. It took almost a year but I got back down to 145 lbs prior to our successful cycle. And then pregnancy...Weight gain...bed rest...sitting on my arse allowing it to grow for 8 months...(mind you I did receive the greatest gift for giving up my body! :) )

Now here I sit 7 months post partum...Still FAT! Urrgghhh! I hate this new body. I hate the fact that I can't seem to get rid of this baby weight. JD has actually gained 20 lbs. since Lola arrived. So he's not too happy with himself either. We've decided that we are going to try to get ourselves back into form. We started on January 2. We are doing this to coincide with the Bigg.est Lo.ser. So here I am laying myself bare. Letting it all out. Every Wednesday we are going to weigh in. (I've stolen this idea from Donor Diva, Thanks Diva). I'm doing this in hopes of keeping myself doing this the healthy way instead of falling into the easy, awful trap that my head wants to go to. So yes tomorrow when you see the stats, please know I'm totally embarrassed putting it all out there. But like my trainer says the more people you tell about your goals the more likely you are to stick with it. So tomorrow you will get my weight, my goals and what I've done this week to try to achieve them.

Much Love!

ks

7 Months Old!

2012-01-09T20:43:00.003-05:00

Where has the time gone? I can't believe that LolaBean is now 7 months old! She's changing and doing new things every day. We finally have 1 tooth popping out! And man alive it can break through completely anytime now! She's so fussy on and off throughout the day. We've had a tough last week and a half. With the teething, gastric bug, and sleep training, I could definitely use a little R&R! LOL!

Onto the sleep training. LolaBean is a fantastic night sleeper. She sleeps 11-12 hours a night and usually goes down without any big fan fare. But she is a terrible napper. In other words she only likes to cat nap 20 minutes at a time and only in the car or on my tata. Well this isn't working for me. I really need her to have a structured 'real' nap. So we worked on it Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Friday last week. Monday I actually had really good success, she slept for 1 1/2 hours. It was GREAT! Tues, Thurs and Friday were ultimate failures. I kind of feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot by not working on it everyday, but Wednesday JD was home and we were out doing Christmas returns. And then this weekend JD was home again and she was too wired to really nap. She gets sooooo jazzed when Daddy is home. It's hilarious! Tomorrow is another day though and we are going to work on it again. God Help Me and grant me strength and patience to persevere.

LolaBean is almost sitting on her own now. She catches herself more and more everyday. And today she finally did a baby push up. She's been lifting her bum off the ground occasionally. But so far no signs of crawling anytime soon. I'm sure one day she is just going to pop up and go after Tonka. LOL! She still finds the dogs the funniest things around. But lately I've been pretty funny too! :) And then of course this weekend as she's in the Bio.rne and no one is in front of her she has a giggling fit out of nowhere about nothing! Man she's funny!

Anyway, it's getting on to 9 o'clock and I think I hear my bed calling my name. I'm still hitting the gym every morning, and the sleep training seems to drain me! LOL! So I'm off to bed. I'm thinking of all of you out there in blog land. Even though I never comment as I'm always on my I.Pad, I'm reading and cheering you all on. Whether you're still in treatment, expecting, or mothering, I'm reading and thinking of you all!

Much Love!

ks

Teething!

2012-01-09T17:01:00.001-05:00

SUCKS! I'll do a full post tonight when Miss Fussy Pants is finally down!

Happy New Year!

2011-12-31T22:50:00.001-05:00

Lola said Mom tonight! That's ME!!! This is a night I will never forget!

Let's Party!!!!

2011-12-27T12:44:00.000-05:00

This little one just doesn't want the party to stop! LOL! She has thoroughly enjoyed the festivities! What a dream this baby is! Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you had a wonderful day! But the party is not over yet! We still have New Year's to go! :)

Okay lots coming, but I need to rush off to feed this little monster! LOL!

Much Love!

ks

Santa Claus is Coming to Town!

2011-12-19T21:19:00.000-05:00

Lola was great with Santa! Sorry for the not so great quality of this picture, but I took this picture of the picture with my phone! LOL! I'm just too lazy to go into the basement and scan the original right now! This just seemed easier!

We have been really busy around the house lately. Getting everything ready for Christmas. All the wrapping is done, the socks are ready to be filled! The menu has been planned for Christmas dinner. We are all set! I know its silly to wrap presents for Lola, but she is so into grabbing everything right now, I wouldn't be surprised if she did open a few on her own. And if she doesn't I do have a little dog that loves to open presents. I'll try to get that on video for you all to see. It's freakin hilarious!

It looks like I may have a guest blogger post coming up shortly. I have asked JD to do a post about his feelings about our journey and where we are now. He says he needs time to map it out in his head first. But stay tuned ladies, a male point of view is coming soon. More pretty party dress pictures also coming soon!

Merry Christmas! Happy Hannukha!

Much Love!

ks

6 Months Old!

2011-12-09T18:43:00.001-05:00

I'm so in love with this little girl! She takes my breath away everyday. I sneak in at night and have a look at her before I go to bed and I swear my heart just swells. I hold my hand to my heart and whisper "I love you baby girl" usually there is a tear in my eye. How is it possible that after 6 months I am still so gooey? I am still in such awe that we have a daughter. I think we are going to feel forever blessed for this amazing gift that we have been given.

So what's new???? Well quite a bit actually! Every day she does something new. Funny new little things that she figures out. For example a few days ago she realized that she could swing her arm around in circles. Well now she has decided that this is especially fun to do while being breast fed, meaning that I either get smacked in the face or punched in the other boob! Yahh! She also likes to do this while she has her chew keys in her hand and that means she gets smacked in the face. She even cringes when the arm is coming at her. LOL!!! Why LolaBean Why?

She's mastered rolling onto her tummy. But not rolling back onto her back. This causes quite a problem at night. She wakes up and finds herself on her tummy and gets mad, yelling for mommy to come and rescue her. Oh the sleepless nights have suddenly returned....Ahhhh! She's so close to figuring it out though, and I'm working really hard with her on mastering this, so I can sleep past 3 am again.

LolaBean loves her doggies! As you can see by her hugging Maddie in her 6 month picture! LOL!

And let me tell you how much she loves her doggies! They are the only ones that can make her have a full belly laugh! Apparently Mommy and Daddy just aren't funny enough. Sure we get giggles and screeches. But not the laughs that the dogs get when we are playing ball with them with her on our lap! She loses it! We have tried to get it on video, but she always stops the second the camera is on! Go figure! She seems to have a special love for Tonka too, which is really strange as he's the one who could really care less about her. It's the girls that run into her room in the morning to get her up and at em! Oh man is our house going to be busy once she's mobile! LOL! Lord help me cause it's coming soon!

She's been on food for about a month now. She's had bananas, apples, avocados, and peas. This picture is avocado face! She loves bananas and peas the most so far. I'm not a huge fan of the peas, because the poops are horrendous! They smell sooooooo bad! And since JD is working ridiculous hours I am the sole poop changer! JD and I bought the BabyBullet and we love it. We got it on special with the babysteamer as well. And it's just a dream. It's making life so much easier. And cheaper. I'm making all her food and breast feeding, what more could you ask for. Well okay we could be cloth diapering, but JD put his foot down on that one. We actually had a little row about that one. But y'know pick and choose your battles. And seeing the poops that comes with food...well...I have to say I'm pretty happy now to just throw these stinky arse diapers out! LOL!

Well I could go on and on about all the new little things Miss Bean is up to. But this is getting rather long. And I'm sure you are all a little bored with my ravings! If I start to get some sleep again I will be posting some Christmas posts! We've got pictures with Santa, party dress pictures, and just cute shots coming to you soon!

Much Love to all my blogger friends!
ks

Odd Man Out...

2011-11-29T21:25:00.001-05:00

That's me! I am the odd man out. I blend in...I look like I belong but I don't... At least that's how I feel. I really have been trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and do the things that I feel are important for Lola and I. And I thought the more I went and did the more comfortable I would feel there, but I don't... Still...After 4 months...I still feel like the dork sitting at the end of the table talking to myself. And that's exactly how it was this past Monday at my Mommy N Me lunch. I would describe myself as shy...(funny as that's not how anyone who knows me would describe me) but it takes awhile for me to really feel comfortable to be ME with people. And IF has made me even more closed mouthed, I think.

I especially don't fit in with my Mommy N Me Monday group. They are all very fertile, cloth diaper, spinach juice drinking, clickie moms. And I'm infertile, disposable diaper, Dt. Coke drinking, vegetable avoiding, DE Mom. WTF do we have to talk about??????? And on top of this Lola is the oldest by 2 months in the group, so we are at completely different stages baby wise. And I checked with the woman who starts the group before I joined, if Lola would be too old for the group, she was like NOOOO no issue at all, there will be babies there in her age group. Yah well first class they are all like oh he's 1 week old, she's 4 days old...que Lola gibber jabbering 3 month old! Oy Vay! But even with all that you would think that after meeting every Monday for 3+ months, someone would take a little bit of interest in me. Nope... When they talk to me it's as though they are going out of their way to speak to me out of pity. Pity because nobody else will talk to me. And I try to participate... And dammit I am a very nice person. Well I like me at least! LOL!

Then there's the gym. My old stomping ground. There I used to fit... Not anymore... Now I'm the fat, huffin' puffin' muffin top dragon, with steam coming out of the top of her head after doing 10 push ups. I used to be able to do Bars N Plates (1 hour) then an hour spin class. Now I can barely make it through a full bars n plates doing all the exercises to completion. Gosh dang it! My old trainers all still talk to me, but in my Boot camp class...I talk to the teenager and her Dad...

LOSER!!!!!

Tomorrow is my Wednesday Mommy n Me group. Which I do like and I do sort of feel like I fit. Well kind of...I'm the new girl...The rest have known each other for quite awhile. And I'm the new addition for the last 2 months. But there they know my IF background. There they are interested in getting to know me. The only sucky thing about this group is come end of January this group will no longer meet. All the other moms are going back to work. Sigh! What is an ol bitter IF DE Mommy to do...

I no longer fit in with my IF support group. I don't fit in with Mommy N Me. I don't work and don't want to work anymore. I guess I'm going to have to keep looking and trying new things to see where I fit in anymore.

Okay I'm going to go eat some cookies and go to bed...Sigh...

Much Love!

ks

No Naps Please!?

2011-11-27T19:10:00.001-05:00

Apparently Lola has decided that she would rather not nap anymore!!! And when she does nap it's like 20 minutes. Little power naps...that's it! It's driving me nuts! She is still an amazing sleeper at night (most nights), but because she doesn't sleep through the day, she goes to bed at 6:30 (and that is with me pushing her the last half hour). And going to bed at 6:30 means we get up by around 5:00! Yikes! Some days I can get her back down but only for about an hour maximum. I have no idea what to do to change this habit. I've tried putting her for naps in her crib, no go, in her playpen, no go, in her swing...15 minutes... The only place she sleeps longer is in the car. Well I don't want to have to drive around town twice a day for 1/2 hour to an hour just to get my baby to nap...That's nuts! So if any of you have any helpful ideas I'm all ears... I've even upped her formula intake to see if that helps, and it doesn't it just means I dump more formula.

Speaking of formula...I think I might be in trouble with this one... This baby loves to nurse! LOL! I think I'm actually going to have a hard time weaning her off of me. She fights the bottle now, but never fights the boob. No, no she caress' the boob, she loves the boob. JD even caught her rubbing my face today. Okay, and then after the loving touch she promptly stuck her finger up my nose! LOL! I tell you Lola is a piece of work! She makes us laugh all day. And now that we've figured out what makes her laugh we make her laugh all day too! :)

We've introduced solids into her diet now. She has now tried banana, apple, avocado, and rice cereal. So far the favorite is banana. Can't blame her I like bananas too. She really wasn't a fan of avocado but we are trying that one again tomorrow. So hopefully it will go better. At 5 (1/2) month well check she weighed in at 14lbs 5 ounces. So she is still pretty little, but she's getting her chubby rolls and filling our nicely.

JD and I had our first date night 2-3 weeks ago. It was great. We went out for a nice dinner. Didn't eat it at a break neck speed. I had two large beers with dinner. Fantastic! Am I ever a light weight now! LOL! 2 beers and I was feeling loosey goosey! We then went to the casino and donated some money! No big winners in this house. We were home by 10:30, so not a late night. But it was good just to get out. I don't know how often we will be able to do that though as we don't have a lot of available baby sitters. (I'll get into that in another post).

I'm still going to the gym. I haven't been as much as I would have liked in the last 2 weeks, what with getting sick, and Lola getting her shots, etc... The weight is starting to slowly come off. I mean slooooowly! It's my diet. I need to get a handle on the crap food. It is just so much easier sometimes. And when your feeling drained and kind of crappy...well I turn to comfort food. I know what I've got to do and I'm going to get my butt into gear this week.

That's my current update... I'm off to bed (early I know) as I'm sure someone will be up whooting like an owl at 5am. LOL!

Much Love!

Sick

2011-11-20T12:06:00.001-05:00

Feeling terrible today! Thank God baby girl doesn't have it though! Sorry for the quick post but I did promise another post! This is why I haven't been able to...I've been fighting it all week and it came to head today! Much love! ks

Now...!?

2011-11-15T20:51:00.001-05:00

After everything we've gone through...7 year battle to try to have a baby...NOW I'm regular and ovulating! Really?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well that blows considering I have no tubes! Mother...F*cker!!!

JD thinks I should call my local fertility clinic and get a day 3 work up done to see what's going on. I don't think it's worth looking into myself. I'm still breast feeding, and by the time I stop I'm sure my FSH will be back up to where it always is. SkyHigh! I've heard of your body resetting itself after pregnancy especially with POF. With POF you can go in and out of menopause repeatedly. But that doesn't mean any of those eggs I might have are any good. There is still a ton of literature out there that says high FSH is indicative of egg quality. And really do we need to get our hopes up over a $14,000 gamble?!?

I mean if it was close to the time we were going to do an FET I would entertain the idea of attempting an IVF, with hopes of transferring our DE embie and what every OE embie we got. But we are so not ready to try for another baby yet. Whatever...it's not going to happen so it's not worth stressing or making myself crazy over. It just pisses me off that the last 2 months I know I was ovulating and there's nothing we can do about it!

Infertility Blows Goats!!!

Honestly though I can't wait to try for a second baby. I cried yesterday remembering that 1 year ago I lost Lola's sister/brother. God how I would have loved to have another one just like her. She is just so very wonderful. She sleeps like a dream. She is the happiest baby around. And I tell you strangers come up to me to tell me how beautiful my daughter is. And she really is. I stare at her and think..."God let go of one of his angels for us!"

Okay I'm sorry for going on about her, but I'm just so in love. And I hope anyone who is struggling with the idea of DE reads this and realizes what an incredible gift it truly is.

I'm off now for the night! More posts are swirling in my head but they will come later this week...I promise!

Much Love!

5 Months Old!

2011-11-08T21:20:00.001-05:00

I can't believe she is 5 month's old! Where has the time gone! Lola is becoming such a big girl. I think we are going to start on solids very soon. I say solids but I really mean brown rice cereal. And we are now the proud owners of a Ba.by Bul.let. I can't wait to give this thing a go! I don't think I am going to stop the breast feeding anytime soon though. We actually had 3 days last week where little Miss refused a bottle. So it was all me and only me for 3 days. And of course this was when we were away for the weekend. Awesome times! Lola has now started to 'talk' regularly. However, she is mute when anyone else is around! My shy little girl! Lola has never really been a giggler...per se...she will make a grunt like giggle, but not often and you really have to work for it. She smiles all the time and laughs with her mouth open but no noise! Well we found the one thing that makes her laugh out loud! Our dog, Tonka! She LOVES Tonka! She finds him the funniest thing around! Full belly laughs come out of her when we play with him and she's on the floor. Too funny!

Lola has now graduated from her physiotherapist! Her neck is all good now! Yahhh! She is now wearing 6 month clothes, and is fine to wear hats and head bands now! Thank Gosh! Oh she hated them for awhile there! She loves to be outside all the time. If she is having a meltdown I just walk out the front door with her and she stops! Go figure! The other sure fire method to stop an unnecessary meltdown is to put on her Ba.by Ein.stein videos. Oh my gosh she loves those. She has enjoyed those since she was 3 months old. She also now likes Sesame Street. Just the Elmo portion of the show. So I pv'r it for her everyday. And she's allowed 1/2 hour of show before bath, bottle and bed. Okay this is actually how we are making her stretch her bedtime to 7. If we let her do things her way she would go to bed at 630 and have me up at 530 every day. Not happening baby! Did I tell you my baby sleeps! And when I say sleep I mean she sleeps 11-12 hours every night! She is amazing! Even on the weekend when we were away she still slept 12 hours a night!

Anyway I should sign off for the night. Below is a picture of Miss Lola is her Jolly Jumper. This is only the 2nd day that she has been in her Jolly Jumper! She is starting to figure out what it is all about. And she was really digging it today.

I still can't believe that I am a mother to a 5 month old!!!! I love it!!! It is the best job in the world! Most tiring for sure, but it is the most rewarding. My face actually hurts today from smiling so much! Hah!

Much Love!

ks

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T20:57:00.002-04:00

I promise a blog entry is coming... It's just too late right now and I am exhausted from a super busy couple of days! I am reading and commenting though as much as I can right now!

Much Love!

ks

Asked and Denied!

2011-10-18T22:36:00.000-04:00

I have wanted to go for another baby as soon as Lola came out and I laid eyes on her. And if you've been following my blog you know that we only have one embryo left. Not really great odds are they? So I finally sucked it up and contacted SG to find out if our donor had donated to their frozen egg bank. As I knew that she would have timed out by the time I was able to cycle. Turns out she didn't. And they would have still asked her but she has maxed out on donations (6 cycles). Shitzer! It's not even as though we could have actually afforded another cycle right now, but dang I would have beg, borrowed and stolen to have secured those frozen eggs. Oh well I guess we'll just have to pray that next fall our one little guy survives the thaw and wants to stay around!

Now onto what's happening now. Well I still haven't gotten my EI. Yes that's right! Crazy right?!?! Every time I call there is some other gosh dang excuse as to why. When I called on Monday they apparently had me listed as no longer living in Ontario so they were not going to pay out my maternity leave! Freaking IDIOTS!!!! I only talked to them 2 weeks ago! For crying out loud do your gash darn job people!

LolaBean had her 4 (well 4 1/2) month well check today. She is now 13.5 lbs. Good Girl! She is in the 50th percentile for weight and the 75th percentile for height! So she is doing great! She got 2 more shots today and 1 oral vaccine. She was not a happy girl going to bed tonight! She actually hasn't been sleeping all too well the last couple of nights. I think she is working on some teeth right now. We have decided not to get her ears pierced. Actually it's me...I just can't purposely go and make my baby cry. I know what a wimp I am, especially when I'm the one that fought so hard for JD to let me do it! LOL!

I should probably get to bed it's nearing 11 o'clock and lately Miss Bean has been getting up at 1:30, so I better try and get a couple of hours sleep! I will leave you with another picture of Miss Bean and I... I hope everyone is well out there in bloggy land!

Much Love!

ks

One Year Ago Today!

2011-10-14T10:58:00.001-04:00

You became a part of me. I never imagined we would actually be where we are today, even after you and B were transferred I still could not imagine how wonderful life could be. But here I sit one year later rocking you to sleep, loving every inch of you! Even after you pull my hair because of gas, or puke all over my newly showered and clothed body, I still can't wait to kiss you and snuggle you! I find this poem most fitting to describe my love for you and for lost little B.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

(by E E Cummings)

I love you LolaBean and B. I carry your heart in my heart.

Much love!

Your Mommy

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-10-10T09:44:00.000-04:00

If you are Canadian, today is our Thanksgiving. I know what I'm thankful for this year and for the rest of my life. I'm thankful my beautiful, generous donor gave us the gift of life. I'm thankful for SG and Dr. Stillman, I'm thankful for Dr. S for helping me have a healthy baby. And I'm thankful for the glorious gift that is my daughter Lola.

Lola slept in her own room last night for the first time! :0 It was very hard for JD and I, but she did great. She slept from 7:30 to 5:30, then back down at 6:00 until 8:30 this morning. You can't ask for better than that. Now she is bouncing and cooing away to her Baby Mozart video. Oh gosh I just love this little girl.

Yesterday we took her to her very first hockey game. We went to Oshawa to watch my nephew play in a tournament. It was a great day. We were out of the house for over 8 hours. She only got one bottle, I breast fed her most of the day. I just kept excusing myself to the car, and would hunker down in the backseat. Why not right?!?! The only downfall was she didn't nap much which is probably why she slept over 13 hours. LOL! But she was happy all day, and she got to see all her Uncles, Auntie, and her Grandma, so that was lovely.

We did our Thanksgiving with JD's family on Saturday night. So really the only family member we haven't seen this Thanksgiving is my Dad. He's still working in Fort McMurray. We can't wait for him to get home. What sucks is he's only going to be home for a week and then off they go for the winter to Arizona. Oh well such is the retired lifestyle.

I started the South.Beach diet today. Heaven help me!!! Whatever it's necessary. I feel like a right stuffed cow. It's time to shed all this weight and just working out isn't doing it fast enough for me. Well I better get moving, her show is almost over, so it's time for playtime with Mommy. I will leave you with a picture from her photoshoot! Happy Thanksgiving!

Much Love!

ks

Working It Out!

2011-10-07T11:24:00.000-04:00

I'm 3 weeks into my new routine of working out, so how am I feeling???? SORE!!! But I'm so proud of myself. I haven't weighed myself in over a week as I'm trying to not focus on solely weight loss. It's more so about how I feel. And dang I did good last night. In my running class I'm always the last one, usually getting lapped a couple of times. Well last night I lapped 4 people and I finished 2nd! :0 I was running with the guy in first until the last 5 minutes. I think we ran over 6 km's last night. So obviously my over all health and stamina are improving. Now if I could just fix the problem with my feet I might be a happy person.

I also signed Miss Lola and I up for Baby and Me Yoga. That should be interesting. I just can't stand being in the house all week. My Mommy and Me group should be over in 2 weeks, so I really need another outlet. A couple of girlfriends and I have formed our own little Mommy and Me within the neighbourhood. Lola is the youngest by 4 months there, but it's a great time! I'm going to have to buy my Baby Gates soon though so I can host one day. We are still doing splish splash and she seems to enjoy that. Not the early morning, but the water she likes! I dunked her this week, it was the only smile I got out of her!

Okay I gotta roll Miss Lola is bored with her video. I have another post coming soon with some pictures.

Much Love

Weekend Away

2011-10-02T18:30:00.000-04:00

We just got back from a weekend at my parent's house. My Mom was the only one there though as my Dad is still away doing a contract. It was a great weekend. Lola travels really well for a (almost) 4 month old. We drove Friday night after bath and bottle and she slept the entire way (4 hours)! She didn't even wake up when we got there and moved her to her bassinet. AND she slept until 7 am! Which was really good for us as we didn't go to bed until 2:30. Woops!

Saturday morning my Mom and I headed off to the States for some shopping. We hit Ko.hls and scored some great deals on Car.ters and JumpingBean clothes. All for 6-9 months of age. I didn't buy her any dresses as she seems to hate them right now, but man was I tempted. There are some super cute little dresses out there. Then we headed off to the mall, where I scored some new sneakers. Okay 2 pairs! One pair for solely running and one pair of cross trainers. My feet have really changed since pregnancy, and they are taking a shit kicking with all this working out right now. I'm really hoping that these new Nike's are the answer.

Sunday we pretty much got up, got Lola fed, napped, then fed again and took off for home. She slept for the first hour than wanted another feeding so I bf'd her in a Tim Horton's parking lot. I know classy! But then she slept the rest of the ride.

No working out for me this weekend though. The weather was incredibly bad all weekend. The wind was blowing over 35 km/hr, and it was relentless. It was raining off/on all weekend too. And any working out I would have done this weekend was going to be going for a run. So unfortunately I seem to always have 3 days of nothing. I really need to work on that. I also cheated left right and centre this weekend. So not hard to do when you are visiting my home town. There was pizza Friday night with shaved ham on it. Saturday was chips under the bridge from the Chip Truck, and Sunday was Arby's day! (we don't have an Arby's near us anywhere within a 3 hour radius) So there should be no surprise that there will be no weight loss this week. But now I've got a month until our next family get together (my family eats) so I can get myself back onto my regiment.

Well I'm off....I know this was a boring post...but...whateves...okay Baby Mozart is over, time to play with Miss Bean!

Much Love!

Sad Day

2011-09-27T19:54:00.002-04:00

Little Jillian went to Jesus this morning! In her parents loving arms they said goodbye to their sweet angel. Tonight my heart is very heavy for a wonderful, supportive mother. I pray that Jaden keeps fighting and survives this really early entry into the world. I will light a candle tonight for both babies, and pray. I will hold my sweet LolaBean close, and thank God for blessing us with the miracle that is her. Much Love ks

Motion is Lotion!?!?!

2011-09-27T08:29:00.001-04:00

At least that is what my trainer keeps telling me. But today I do not want to move. Oh my gosh my bones even hurt. I made it to every class last week and completed my homework of 120 minutes of cardio. And then last night I started the week all over. I went to a Bars N Plates class before Boot.Camp. It's a muscle endurance class. It was great but it made Boot.Camp all that much more challenging.

What is ticking me right off though is... I have sweat and bled (literally, my feet are full of blisters from the running) this week and not lost one ounce. JD thinks it's because I'm not consuming enough calories and my body is holding onto everything..starvation mode.. I just think my body sucks arse! One of my blogger friends (Lisa) is doing the South.Beach diet, and I layed awake this morning at 5am contemplating giving it a shot. But I really don't know if I can do it. Carbs are such a HUGE part of my life. Especially since I eat very little vegetables. I think I will give my body one more week of this punishment and if no weight is lost I will try South.Beach and my workout routine. I just have to get my body back. I can not stand the way I look and feel right now.

Now onto other news...

I will ask that if you are a prayer you please say a prayer for 2 little babies that were born way to early due to placental abruption. 25 weeks 1 day gestation. The little girl is fighting for her life right now with a serious brain bleed, her brother is also struggling with a brain bleed but his is not in the critical zone. I have no link as this is someone from my support forum. She is a wonderful woman who supported me throughout my trying to and having Lola. So please say a little prayer for Jillian and Jaden to hold on, to get stronger, and to make it through these critical few weeks.

Much Love!

ks

Boot Camp isn't for Wimps!

2011-09-20T18:02:00.000-04:00

Let me tell you! If anything can help me lose this baby chub it's going to be this class. It was awesome. It was only the first class but it gave me a taste of what the next 12 weeks are going to be like. Holy Hannah! AND it is my favorite trainer teaching the class, coaching us on to our goals! The only trouble I am going to face is getting my homework done. And it's not from lack of want, but lack of someone to watch Miss LolaBean... I don't know how I'm going to figure this out but I'm going to try...

We got the results back on Lola's chest x-ray...Clear! Yahh! No specialist needed. She's not aspirating any fluids. Thank God! We are having some gas pain, but we think we have figured it out. She needs the 3 month nipples on her 2 bottles a day. {smack to mommies forehead} Duhhhh! But of course B R Us is out of the nipples we need. They are apparently getting a shipment in this week, so we'll see...

Well that's about all I have time for today. Little Miss is done with Baby Mozart!

Much Love!

New Routine!

2011-09-18T21:16:00.000-04:00

Starting tomorrow I am back at the gym at least 3x a week. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but considering I can only go after JD gets home from work at 7:30 it is quite good. And it's a start right?! I have signed up for 2 classes so I can't miss those. I have a long road in front of me. I have at least 20 lbs to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. And if I want to get back to where I really should be add another 20 lbs to that total. So at least 40 lbs to lose! OMG! Whatever! Climbing a mountain starts with one small step.

So my new routine for the week looks like this...

Monday

1:00 - Mommy and Me class (The Fourth Trimester)

7:00 - Boot Camp

Tuesday

12:00 - Osteopath with Lola

Wednesday

9:00 - Splish Splash with Lola

7:00 - Boot Camp

Thursday

7:30 - Learn to Run 5km

Not too crazy, but then you add in the 4x a day home physio we do, the cooking, the cleaning, the dogs, and just life in general, and we are a little busy house. I am going to try and get some pool time in there as well as I have every intention of doing a tri next summer. I need to get my arse in gear in the pool as I am not a very strong swimmer.

Now onto the baby talk... Lola had a rough week this week. We are having some major digestive issues right now. We are not really sure what is going on, but she has not been a very happy camper as of late. I think today I finally nipped it in the bud and figured out how to help her with this monstrous gas pain that she is having. I don't know??? I guess we will have to wait and see. I fear my little one is already teething. We have a red cheek. And I have a feeling that this is adding to the fussiness and gas screaming. It is a little early I know, but there really is no other explanation for the red cheek. Any who, Baby Mozart is almost over so I must rush off to prep her bath. I will leave you with some new photos of my love!

Much Love!

UpDate in Bullet Points!

2011-09-11T21:20:00.002-04:00

Sorry this is going to be in bullet points but I'm trying to do an update before bath time... And little Miss has been a bit of a fussy pants for the last 2 nights. Not too sure why, but I think it has something to do with the fact that Daddy has been home this weekend so she is off schedule on her naps as he tends to wind her up! Big Shocker! LOL! Anyway here's what's new in our world!

We have been to an Osteopath 3 times for Lola's torticollis. It seems to be helping. But dang is it ever expensive!
We have been to physio once, and we go again on Tuesday morning. She gave us the stretches to do and one isn't too bad. The one though is horrible and I can not do that to my baby girl, so Daddy does that stretch.
We had our 3 month well check on Thursday and Miss Lola is weighing in at 11.01 lbs. My little chubby bunny!
She giggles all the time and is generally a very happy baby, except for last night and tonight... And man am I ready to lose it! She's been crying and fussing for over 2 hours now! Holy Hannah!!!!
I think I am having a little bit of post partum... I seem to be down in the dumps a lot lately. I really have to pull myself together on a daily basis, as I don't want my baby to be affected by my mood.
I've been back to the gym 5x now, and I signed up for boot camp, and learn to run 5km. I'm starting back from scratch again after taking 9 months off.
We went to watch a triathlon this weekend and I am soooo doing that next summer. So it's time to get my rear end in gear and get my body back.
I packed up all my maternity clothes 3 weeks ago...I sobbed... What if I am never pregnant again?
I have a super busy week this week. Monday we have Mommy and Me, Tuesday we have physio, Wednesday Lola's photo shoot and the dogs to the groomer, plus my Mom is coming to visit on Wednesday until Saturday, Thursday we have the osteopath, Friday nothing and then Saturday we are having a few people over for an afternoon dinner party with their kids. So busy busy!!! Oh and Monday and Wednesday I have 2 classes at the gym.
I also signed Lola up for splish splash and that starts next Wednesday.

Okay so that's all I can think of right now. I'm still breast feeding if anyone is interested. I can't believe I've made it to 3 months doing this! She still gets 2 bottles of formula a day, maybe more if we are on the go. As I seem to never have time to pump. Okay I better sign off it's 9:20 and it is bath, booby and bed! Yahhh! Let's see if I can get her finally settled down!

Much Love!

ks

Checking in!

2011-09-11T11:35:00.000-04:00

Sorry for my absence my lap top has been on a bit of a breakdown! So I'm posting with my iPad right now and it is going to be a quick one! Lola is 3 months old now and growing chunkier everyday! She had her 3 month well check on Thursday and is weighing in at 11 lbs! You go LolaBean! She is still small on the charts coming in at the 49th percentile, but we'll get there!

I have lots to update on but it's time for a feeding! I promise I'll get on soon!

Much love!

ks

11 Weeks Old!

2011-08-25T08:38:00.000-04:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And every day you fascinate me more and more. I fall deeper in love every time I look at you. You now smile at us when we do goofy things. You hold your head up on your own. You giggle mostly in your sleep, but we are working on getting those giggles directed to us! You love the 3 musketeers! Instead of playing with your toys you watch them during mat time! LOL! You LOVE Baby Mozart! You are finally wearing 0-3 months clothes! Oh my sweet LolaBean you are the light of my life!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So now onto what had been going on in my world... I started dom.per.idone and it seems to be really working. Lola is now only getting 1-2 bottles of formula a day. Mind you I am not pumping at all. There really isn't any time to pump! But she is definitely getting tons of breast milk. So much so she likes to get a mouthful and then spit it back onto my (.)(.)! Nice!

At her 2 month appointment she weighed 9'10, so she is definitely over 10 lbs now. She has outgrown all newborn things and most 0-3 month diaper shirts. She doesn't quite fit into the Car.ter's 3 month sleepers or pants yet but she is getting there! So for now the sleep sacks (night dress) are working, even though she hates getting them put on!

We noticed at about 6 weeks that Lola was only looking right on her play mat. So I moved all the toys to the left, and she still wouldn't look left. I brought this up at the Dr's and he checked her out. Yes it appears she has slight torticollus (stiff neck), so we have been waiting for 3 weeks for the ped physio to call us and get us in. Well on Monday I called a pediatric Osteopath, she got us in for yesterday. So we had our first hour appointment yesterday. Little Miss handled it quite well. There is definitely a shortening in the muscles on the one side of the neck, it's not severe, but it is really good that we are getting this addressed right away. This is the stage where the shape of your babies head is set, and one side is already a smidgen larger than the other from the skin being pulled by the tightened muscles. There is also a nerve that runs the same path as the muscles but it runs into your digestive system. This is probably being compressed at times causing the digestive issues that we are having. Cause man can my baby girl honk the horn! Her other nick name in the house is Tootsie! LOL! Anyway I'm really glad that we are finally getting this all looked at and taken care of. I don't want my bean to be in any pain.

I've also been back to the gym. :0 4 times this week. I've done a bars & plates class, spin, boot camp and yoga. So I am back and with a vengeance! I have to get my body back in shape for attempt #2. I do not want to possibly go into a 2nd pregnancy still carrying all this extra weight. WE haven't fully decided when we are going to cycle again. We've discussed February, but I think it will be more likely next October. I'd really like to do this triathlon next Sept in Wasaga. So we'll see!

Anyway I better run, LolaBean is starting to nap, so I need to as well! LOL!

Much Love!

ks

Dreams...(continued)

2011-08-18T21:18:00.000-04:00

After the failures and the surgery to totally sterilize me, I had no dreams. Sure we had entered into a new fantastic program. But my heart was jaded. I was going through the motions for JD. He believed. He needed us to try. We had to go down swinging. I was stuck in the belief that failure was all I would ever know. Still full of anger, I had to find an outlet. I was so close to making the call and asking for meds to help me through this. But I know I wouldn't have been doing it for the right reasons. After our one failure I took over 80 Tylenol 3's in one week. I just wanted to zone out. I needed to work. I was a zombie yes, but I wasn't crying at work. One foot was going in front of the other. I was a shell.

I found a new dream. A new goal. I wanted to do a triathlon. With all the years of heartache, my body had taken a hit. What once was a 120 lb woman was now a 165 lb mess. I started riding. I started running. I started training. The weight started to shift. We were prepping to cycle, and I wasn't focused on it. I was getting ready for a 40km bike race (did it in an hour 25!). The night before transfer I ran 5 miles. Even after transfer I still didn't believe...but...

5 days later we had a positive home pregnancy test. 7 days post transfer we had a good first beta. And on 11/11 we saw 2 beautiful heartbeats. And all of a sudden I was so full of hope. My dreams were coming true. I was on cloud 9. We started talking names again. We started planning. We started believing that this was going to happen. But 2 days later...I started to bleed. I called for JD. The blood was pouring out of me. He came into the bathroom, looked, screamed NO and dropped to his knees. I will never forget that cry... Again I was failing him. Again I was crushing us. Again I was having our lives turned from dreams full of hope to a black dark horror.

After hours in the ER we saw 2 heartbeats and a large SCH. But they were both there, they were hanging on. Baby B however was still smaller, and really close to the SCH. But the damage was done. My heart was broken. My dreams were not going to be reinstalled. And 5 days later it was confirmed Baby B had passed away. B was still there but the SCH was 3x bigger and unfortunately detached B. My heart broke. How is it something so small, could have been so deeply implanted into my heart. At week 17 B was still there. A constant reminder of what could have been.

Throughout my pregnancy we prepared for a baby. But only after week 20. And I still wouldn't believe. I still wouldn't dream. Instead I dreamt of miscarriages, still births, I dreamt of loss. Even in the delivery room, I still didn't believe she was going to make it. She was so small. But my little fighter. My Gemini (twin) baby, as stubborn as her mom, fought, and today I now have new dreams.

I dream of her learning to sit up on her own. I dream of her learning to crawl, walk, talk, and laugh. I dream of hearing her little voice say I love you Mommy.

I dream of her being surrounded with Lots Of Love Always.

Some things I could never have imagined happening are moments I cherish multiple times a day. When she snuggles into my neck. When she stares up at me with these big inquisitive eyes. When she falls asleep on my chest and I'm able to smell her lovely little head. When she smiles in her sleep. When she farts louder than Dad! These aren't the moments I dreamed of in 2007, they are better. I appreciate every second I have with my daughter. She doesn't have my eyes, or hair, or my DNA. She is an original. She is Lola. Beautiful and sweet our baby girl.

Your dreams may have been taken from you. But you never know, they may just come back to you. It may not be how you imagined, or when you wanted. But it can happen. I'm definitely not 'cured' of my infertility trauma. I was up all night last night reliving our diagnosis day. And every day I wonder if there will ever be a sibling for LolaBean. But tonight, my heart is full, it is healing.

I love you LolaBean and I thank God every day for you. I pray for every single person that helped me through our 'Inconceivable' journey. All my blogger friends, my green girls, my family, my friends. I love you all. God Bless You.

Much Love!

Dreams...

2011-08-16T21:22:00.000-04:00

On a beautiful fall day, October 2007, my dreams shattered. We were in an old Victorian house, seated in a chic feminine office across from our new Dr. A Dr. we thought was going to wave her magic wand and make us a family. A Dr. who we believed would finally tell us why we weren't having success getting pregnant, and it would be a small fix... We were right and wrong. As she looked into my eyes, and took a breath to start to tell us what she had uncovered, I knew... I looked away. I grabbed JD's hand. I looked at the floor. I braced myself. I held my breath and looked at JD. As the words came out of her mouth, I watched him shatter. I watched his dreams die. I felt mine start to vanish. As my throat closed up and the tears slowly started to roll down my cheeks, my Dr. apologizes, and JD and I just stare into each others eyes. The rest of the visit is a blur... All I can remember and very clearly is "you have a less than 1% chance of ever having a genetic child, you are in ovarian failure".

I cried. I cried for the children I dreamed of us having. Little blonde, big blue eyed, athletes. I cried as the only baby head I would smell were my nephews and nieces. I cried because I believed I did this to myself. My self destructive behaviour caught up to me and God is now punishing me for my decisions. I cried for JD. Knowing I was solely responsible for crushing him. Wishing he would leave me and find a woman that worked.

But...Because I am a Taurus I am a determined little thing. I researched. I found a support group. I did my leg work. I persevered. We tried protocols I found and brought to my RE. I found an acupuncturist, I went organic, I drank wheat grass like it was Dt. Coke, and when I turned 30 and was struck with more failure. I started the DE journey. It took a bit of convincing to get JD on board. But he saw that I was struggling to hold on. The depression of the constant failure was becoming too much for me. Every month there was u/s' and blood work, every 21 days I prayed for better results, and they just got worse and worse. Every 21 days I would relive that moment in that chic little office. "Less than 1%" And when my FSH went to 72 and my AMH was 9 (Can). The chances were now 0.

We started the DE journey with renewed dreams. We started dreaming big! A small miracle would join us in a year, we just knew it. Maybe even 2. We started thinking of names, and nurseries. We bought keepsakes on our journey. Something to keep and show our little one, one day. I started to believe it could happen. And then it failed. Two times. And we were once again shoved back into a nightmare.

With nothing to dream of, I felt like there was nothing to live for. I was angry and depressed. On top of that we were now broke. I'm going to be very honest here. The thoughts I was having were very dark. The only thing that kept me in this life was knowing I couldn't hurt JD. I couldn't leave him like that. I don't know how we did it but we found our way back, and found our way to Washington. Thanks to my warrior friends, who wouldn't let me give up, who told me it wouldn't hurt to see what they would say.

We made that call. We had no idea what it would lead to. Again I researched. I searched for reasons for failures. I found that last missing piece that was holding us back. June 2010 I had surgery to remove my tubes, again crushing any small dream I ever had of a miracle baby, however I was now giving any embryo we transferred a fighting chance....

to be continued...

1 Month and 2 Month Pictures!

2011-08-13T21:04:00.001-04:00

Phew we have been busy! JD has unfortunately had to cut back on staff at our two offices, so he has been working 14 hour days for the last month and a half, so it's just been me! Even weekends are out for him right now. We had one weekend free and we went to my hometown, so not really a break! Miss Lo.laBean is fantastic! The pro biotic drops are definitely helping her! We still have a Miss FussPants some evening but that is just baby stuff!

She got her first shots on Monday, and that went as good as can be expected! LOL! I sat in the hall and cried while Daddy held her for her shots. She was seriously mad that afternoon though. And then she slept for almost 24 hours straight, she was even sleeping through her feedings, sleep sucking! LOL! I started dom.peri.done almost a week ago, and it has made a big difference! I am able to be back up to 50/50 with her feedings. Some days are harder than others. Some days she just does not want to be on the boob! What's a mom supposed to do?!? Her appetite is unbelievable! She crushes anywhere from 4-6 ounces every 2-2 1/2 hours. However, she will sleep up to 5 hours throughout the night. We definitely have a bewitching hour! It is right now as a matter of fact. Daddy has her right now! Teehee!

Okay so onto the stats... Lola's birth weight was 4'12. At 4 weeks she was 6'01. And at 9 weeks (2 months) she is .... wait for it... 9'10!!!! :0

And here is some pictures of our chunky monkey!

I have over 200 pictures of my love, but I didn't want to overload you all! Lol! We are going to try her 2 month photo shoot again tomorrow (1 week over 2 months). And I've promised her I will not force her to wear a headband or a hat! Lol!

Anyway, I'm actually under the weather right now, and having a (Urrrgghhh TMI) period, so I'm feeling nice and horrible. I promise I will get my butt back to blogging and commenting very soon. I am reading daily I'm just not commenting. I read on my I.pad while I breast feed, but I can't really type while I bf, so .... Just know I am thinking of all of you daily.

Much Love!

ks & LolaBean!

Sleep

2011-08-04T08:02:00.002-04:00

What is that? Oh my gosh! I am in dire need of some sleep.

Better Days!

2011-08-01T18:04:00.000-04:00

My Dad ended up getting in earlier for his procedure. I guess his problem was serious enough that they bumped him. He had a 90% blockage in the main artery, they told him IF he had had a heart attck he would have been dead before 911 could have been called! So the procedure was on Wednesday and they ended up putting in a stint. He is feeling so much better! His colour is back, his energy is up, and his spirit is on the rise. So things are starting to look up!

Now onto the Bean update. She's getting bigger! I actually packed up her premie clothes yesterday. I was a little sad, but I want her to get bigger. I guess I was sad because I might never have another teeny tiny baby! She could be it! Only time will tell. The probiotics have definitely helped with the fussiness. We still have bouts but we remind ourselves her little body is trying really hard to catch up, so things may be a little off as she still seems to cluster feed.

I am going to try to go to the dr tomorrow. I'm going in to try to get the mess that help with milk production. It seems to be very inconsistent. Some days I can get almost enough to feed her through the day light hours (17 ounces), then the next day I can barely get 2 ounces out of one! I have no blockages that I can feel. I've tried all the natural methods, pumping after feeding, fenugreek, blessed thistle, oatmeal, etc... So off Lola and I go tomorrow! Wish us luck on getting there in time and and dressed! Lol!

More to come!

Much love!

ks

Update from a very tired woman!

2011-07-21T19:33:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the info Lisa, JD has just run out to get the probiotic drops! We have had a very very trying last 4 days/nights. It is no doubt a growth spurt, but I seriously believe she has some digestive issues. So we are giving it a go and praying this helps. Last night I got 2 hours sleep and she got 3! Of course she naps (30 minutes) here and there but my gosh, baby sleep you need to sleep!

I've had some othe major stressors happen in my life. I found out on Monday my dad is under the care of a cardiologist. They ended up having to cancel their trip to Saskatoon. He is not allowed to be out of range of a hospital. He has an angioplasty booked for august 9th. To say I am stressed and scared is an understatement. Apparently my dad has been having chest pains for years and not telling anyone. The Dr says the damaged area to the heart is quite large, so we are looking at either a stint or bypass surgery. ... What will I do if this doesn't go well??? How can he have ignored this for so long? He has to stick around, Lola needs to know him...

Okay I have to sign off now, I need to try to clean myself up before JD comes home and finds me crying.

Much love!

ks

5 weeks in...

2011-07-16T22:07:00.000-04:00

And I'm surviving! LolaBean is a beautiful baby! I never dreamed I would be here, talking about MY daughter, but here we are! What a miracle DE is! Now onto the nitty gritty... Lola has taken to not sleeping at night. It seems she has a really hard time (painful) pooping. I know yuck right? But that's what is going on at my house. She screams and cries and can't sleep until she goes!?!? And it's not like she doesn't poop 5x a day, she does! And they are healthy #2's? So I don't really know what the problem is. We also have trouble with her burping, but we are determined and will burp her in 5 different positions for up to 45 minutes as we know what happens if she doesn't burp! Screaming! Right now we are averaging 1 goodnight followed by 3 bad ones. But we'll get there.

The breast feeding isn't going fantastic either, but she loves it so I'm going to keep trying and praying my milk supply picks up! So far I've lost 24 pounds. I still have 11 to go to get to pre-pregnancy weight but I'm aiming to lose at least 25 more. I'm nervous though to start working out. I don't want to do anything that might reduce my milk supply even more, so I'm holding off.

Sorry this post has taken me 2 days to finish! In the last 48 hours I've gotten approximately 6 hours of sleep. I'm wiped out. But I'm trying to handle all the night fussiness myself as JD has to work. OyyyVayyy! I'm really praying that tonight he takes pity on me and pulls night duty, but I won't hold my breath!

I'll post again on Monday with her 1 month photo. Much love to you all!

ks

Busy!!!

2011-07-13T06:40:00.001-04:00

Phew! What a busy couple of weeks! I've put my foot down now though it is time to be home and get LolaBean onto a schedule. If we weren't at dr's appoinments, JD's parents, my parent's or a lion function we were sleeping, or trying to! Little Miss is doing great! Gaining weight and length. We aren't doing as great on the breast feeding. I just am not producing enough to keep up with her. We are supplementing about 50%. So not horrible. I've discovered that she does not like it when I eat red meat, well any meat other than chicken! Oh man do we suffer when I eat beef!!!

I think a part of the problem with my milk production is my thyroid disease. We found out yesterday that my TSH is very, very high! I am getting a new prescription called in asap. But I was over 2 weeks late getting my blood work done. I just couldn't get out of the house. Because Lola was a premie and her weight she feeds ever 2-2 1/2 hours. And everywhere we would go to get blood work done is at least a 1/2 hour away, which means we would be pushing our luck that there might be a melt down... My fault, I know how important my thyroid issues are, but I haven't been focusing on myself much lately.

I know this is a boring post! I promise to do a better one with pictures in a day. I just didn't want everyone to think I abandoned my blog. Okay done pumping, time for a nappie change and feeding!

Much love!

ks

The Adventures of a New Mom!

2011-06-30T18:51:00.000-04:00

Wow life is different that's for sure! Different in a fantastic way. Let me tell you I think I have had every single kind of curve ball thrown at me so far. Well maybe not ALL of them, but quite a few funny ones for sure. Where should I start....

Day 1 - Home from Hospital

(actually day 2 as it's 4 am) I was busy breastfeeding this little finger sucker, JD is sound asleep beside me and I hear this bang. It sounded to me as though our underground sprinklers had turned on. Which I know isn't right as JD turned them off as 1 head needs to be replaced.

I wake JD and say "I think the sprinklers turned on..."

He barely awake says "no it is just the furnace/ac unit."

I shrug it off, finish breast feeding and go back to sleep. I wake at 7 and can still hear something running. It sounds like water...

JD is already up with LolaBean, so I come downstairs and say..."babe are you sure the sprinklers aren't running?"

He says "Yah I looked out the window nothing is wet..."

I say "I think you are wrong..."

And I proceed to go outside to the manifold (main control). And sure enough there is a geyser of water spraying everywhere in between the houses.

One of the clamps blew and we've been spewing water for 3 hours!!! Holy Crap!!!

JD tired as balls runs around like a chicken with his head cutoff trying to stop the water. Suffice it to say Day 2 JD was fixing me some sprinklers! LOL!

Day 2

We have the Angel Care monitoring system for Little Miss. It is awesome! The only thing missing is a 3rd receiver. I think we are going to try to buy one just so we have a mobile unit for when she is asleep down stairs. Anyway this system beeps if there is lack of movement (ie: breathing). We sleep with three small dogs in our bed so there was no chance of Little Miss being invited into our bed (and both JD and I have witnessed co-sleeping headaches, it creates too many issues later on), anyway, JD forgot to turn off the monitor before he picked her up to change her at 2am, and sure enough the things goes off. Well my 12 year old dog losses her shit and drops off the king bed (3 feet) and slips a disk in her back! AWESOME!!! I now have the love of my life original princess in excruciating pain. I'm hormonal with a crying baby and a dog that can barely walk! Suffice it to say the next day or two I had no choice but to give my poor old girl some baby aspirin to keep her somewhat mobile. But be dang sure we ended up at the vet...That was day 4, and I'll get to that day soon!

Day 3

I am on my own today. Okay I can do this... Yah I really can do this!!! It's around 10 and the morning is going great. LolaBean is feeding great, dogs are adjusting, well somewhat! I've put all the dogs out to go potty, and I've adjusted everything to the upstairs so LolaBean can be in the bassinet while I try to shower. Now remember on Day 2 ol'dog bad back... We have now set up a playpen in our room for the dogs to sleep in, to keep Maddie as still and as calm as possible. Tonka my male dog is smelling it like he's going to pee on it. So I say No way Jose! In you go and toss him into it while I shower. (there is a brand new shag area rug under the playpen) I shower, get dressed, yada, yada...Okay it's time to change the beaner and get another feeding into her. So I start moving the items I need down the stairs. Including Ol'dog. I release Tonka from the playpen and he's running down the stairs in front of me. I'm watching him and thinking to myself... Jeez his a'hole is really black and big looking..? {light bulb} FUCK ME!!! I drop everything and run to him. Sure enough he is already up on the couch sitting his black bum on the white throw blankets. I pick him up and immediately the smell hits me! He's had a gigantic crap and it is stuck in his bum, and hair. And because I didn't find it right away it is now smushed!!! Gosh dang it!!!

So I end up having to delay the beaner her diaper change and feeding 1/2 hour so I can bath and cut the crap out of my dogs arse! (I almost vomited) I also had to immediately wash all the blankets from the playpen and couch, and disinfect the couch! Oh My! What a gong show this house is...

FYI - later on that night Ol'dog Maddie did the same thing as she couldn't poop because of her back. Cue another crying jag for the hormonal mom!

Day 4

Not too exciting other than having to run to the Vet for Maddie and the Dr's for LolaBean. Lola looks great is gaining weight and eating right. Maddie on the other hand needed a steroid shot in her back, prednisone and robax for 2 weeks. My dog was so stoned!!! Thank Gosh though JD is home with me for 2 days though as getting out of the house is tough. And we had a very rough night that night. LolaBean is cluster feeding, which I guess is common with preemies. It means she wants to feed for 4-6 hours straight! Yikes! My (.)(.) were a hurting!!!

Day 5

Another good day. We went to Mommy and Me class, and that was great. Really informative! Unfortunately I haven't been able to make it to another class though. We are still working on this breast feeding thing and getting her on a good steady schedule! (Yah right!) We also went to a Lion's dinner. JD is a Lion. I know, I know aren't those only super old men. Um no! It's actually great. We are super involved in the community this way. And we have met some amazing people through the Lion's.

Day 6 - And the Gong Show Continues!

JD had to go back to work. So I was on my own again. And the night previously we had kind of a rough night. More cluster ~~fucks~~ feedings. And that continues throughout the day. At this point I had given up on pumping and was solely breast feeding. I was still supplementing a little bit with formula, but I was really trying to out the formula. Anyway, at about 4 in the afternoon I finally got her down for a nap. So I took the opportunity to try to nap myself. Well 15 minutes later and the fire alarm goes off! And it is screaming FIRE, FIRE! I woke up like a shot. Checked the house, no fire anywhere. I figured out it was the upstairs alarm that was going off, so up I go onto a stool to try to reset it. I follow the directions and instead of resetting is starts screaming repeatedly, FIRE, FIRE, FIRE, with the beeping! Refer back to my dogs that hate the beeping... One dog wet itself on the stairs, one is hiding behind the bathroom door, and one it took me an hour to find! So I called JD at work, "What do I do?" (this system is hard wired). He tells me to go into the basement and flip the power to the upstairs alarm. Okay... Well gosh dang it do you think I could find the switch. I tried them all. So back up I go and remove the battery. It's still beeping and yelling at me! Back down to the basement I go... At this point I am sobbing... I flipped the main power to the house to try to reset the damn thing. Sure enough with ALL the power off I still hear FIRE, FIRE, FIRE!!! Are you kidding me?!?!?

I called JD back and told him through shaking sobs what was going on... (45 minutes now) He says well let me call our neighbour. I adamantly refused to allow him to call our neighbour and see me in this condition. Oh and did I forget to mention that earlier that afternoon our bathroom toilet had clogged and I couldn't get it unclogged! So here I sit with exhaustion and tears streaming down my face, dog pee on my stairs, a toilet almost overflowing with well.. y'know.. and a God Damn Fire Alarm that won't shut off. What is one to do? Well I'll tell you. I ripped that fucking thing right off the ceiling! That's right there are now wires where it once stood. Ahhh but there is now beautiful silence in my house.

During this I had continued to check on the 'bean'. And she was fine. When I came down after I had finally shut it off, she was fast asleep with her tiny hands over her ears! OMG! So cute!! And I really needed that at that moment.

Well folks the adventures have only started I'm sure! I actually have a few more jewels to tell and share. I promise I will start posting and commenting again soon. But alas I must rush off now, this is getting too long and I think dinner is almost ready.

Much Love!

Birth Story!

2011-06-20T07:45:00.000-04:00

I guess it's about time I got back on line and filled everyone in on how little Miss came to be so early. It was Tuesday June 7, 2011 and I had a Non Stress Test booked for 9 am that morning. I travelled into town and picked JD up from my office and went to the Hospital. I really hadn't been feeling very well, I was very swollen and uncomfortable. I was also getting black spots in my vision (but I was staying pretty mum about that). The NST went well, Lola was moving and her heart beat was great. At the end of the NST they always take your bp. Especially as you have been laying down for an hour it should be nice and low. Well mine was 154/99. They checked it again and it was slowly increasing. The nursing staff decided to run some blood work and see what was going on. It took an hour for the results to come back and when they did my bp was now 175/110!!! My blood work showed elevated liver enzymes and some other things were a little skewed as well.

The on call Doctor came in and told me I am not leaving with a baby in my belly today. They were going to do a cervical check and see if they could break my water, if not we were headed for a Cesarean. I was admitted to the birthing unit and they checked me. I was a finger tip dilated and 30-40% effaced. So my water was broken, antibiotics, magnesium sulfate, and oxy-tocsin were started, a catheter was placed and we were rolling. This was at about 12:30 pm on Tuesday.

We immediately called my parents and JD's. My parents packed up and started their 4 hour drive. JD's mom came and sat with me while JD ran home for our hospital bags and to let the dogs out. My contractions started almost right after she broke my water. JD was gone for almost 3 hours, and in that time my contractions had moved to every 4 minutes. At 5 I said okay that's enough let's do the epidural. Oh my what a god send that is. Because let me tell you it stopped working at around 10 and I almost lost my mind! We sent our mother's home at around 10 that night and told them we would call them when we reached 7 cm's. At this point I was only 3 cm's dilated.

I had my epi upped and fixed at 10 then sucked on a banana Popsicle, and then lost my cookies hard! The contractions were really picking up, and they were all in my lower back. I don't know how I did it but I found a quiet dark place in my mind and kept hiding there through the pain. There was no hand squeezing or swearing going on in my room. I think I prayed a lot out loud, and I know I said Holy Mother of Pearl quite a bit during the really bad ones. The nurses found that pretty funny.

At 1:00 I was begging JD to call my mom, as my house it 1/2 hour away and it would take them sometime to wake up and get into the car. He kept arguing with me, they haven't checked you yet, we don't know where you are... I said babe, I know where I am call my MOM!!! Sure enough they checked me and I was 6 cm. We called and everyone started coming back to the hospital. At 1:30 they checked me again and I was 9 cm with a rim of cervix left. I called my mom and yelled at them to please hurry, as Lola is coming fast. They all arrived just before 2 am. Right when they arrived my awesome nurse Cheryl got everyone in position and had me start pushing. 4 pushes in and she was calling for the Special care nursery staff and the OB. I pushed a 5th time and the Dr. told me I needed to get her out now. So I barred down and out she came at 2:26 am on June 8, 2011 weighing in at 4 lbs 12 ounces, measuring 17 inches.

She was so tiny and her umbilical chord was around her neck. Special care worked on her for a couple of minutes and then brought her to me for a quick snuggle. She was then promptly removed to the NICU to be watched for at least 24 hours. You would think this is where the story ends, but nope not for us. I ended up in the OR at 4 am. I wasn't passing the placenta, so I had to have a D&C.

My bp is slowly on it's way back down. At last check it was 150/100. But I am being monitored pretty closely. Lola is doing wonderful. She actually is almost growing out of her preemie onsies! We are breast feeding and supplementing when necessary with formula.

I have a couple of posts rattling around in my head, and I promise I will get them down this week. I absolutely love being a mom, and I can't tell you how blessed I feel.

Much Love!

ks and LolaBean

Introducing... Our Sweet Little Miss!

2011-06-15T19:07:00.001-04:00

Day 2 - Needed a little help getting rid of her jaundice! She was a Champ though!

Doing some kagaroo care with Mom! She had just had a bath and smelled wonderful! OMG! I think my heart is going to explode I am so in love with this little Beaner!

She's Here!!!

2011-06-12T14:58:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry I haven't been able to get on line and let you all know that we are fine! Lola made her arrival at 2:26 a.m. On June 8th, 2011. She was 4 lbs 12 ounces, 17 inches! She is my tiny LolaBean!!! We are so deeply in love with this little miracle. I was unfortunately VERY sick during and after delivery. I didn't really get to meet her until late wednesday. I will do a post about the labour soon. And there are pictures coming!

We only got released yesterday and are still battling pain, fatigue, and a little jaundiced. I'm going to have to sign off now as it's time for a feeding!

Much love!

ks

PS
I have been thinking of all of you! My heart is with the recent losses. I'm so very sorry!

Induced

2011-06-07T19:39:00.000-04:00

Sorry folks! Just a quick note to let you all know I am inthe hospital being induced. My b/p has gone nuts! There are too many warning signs that this Momma Bear is not doing well! But Little Miss is doing fine though, just please pray she makes it here safely! We will keep you all posted!

Much love!!!

ks

Irritating!

2011-06-03T07:53:00.000-04:00

It's been over 2 weeks now and blogger is still acting up. Apparently I am never signed in. I can only access a couple of blogs, and I can absolutely not comment on any one's blogs. Jeepers Creepers tick me off much!

Anyway, the word of the day today on this blog is irritated! (I am going to whine about some pregnancy things so please don't keep reading if you are not in a place where you can read this!)

Firstly, I am so frustrated with my gigantic gorilla feet. My cankles are so swollen they fold over on each other. From morning to night! They never go down. It is driving me nuts. I absolutely can not wait to have my feet back. I can't even fit into my flip flops anymore, my feet hang over the sides! By 7 at night I can barely walk.

Secondly, baby girl really needs to move off of this nerve in my rib cage. It is brutal. I honestly haven't found one comfortable position to sit in or lay in. The worst is in the evening hours. I guess after a long day the nerve is shot and just aches and aches!

Thirdly, this heartburn! OMG! Honestly this should be illegal!

Now onto the thankful...

Firstly, I am so happy that I have made it to 36 weeks! I never imagined that I would make it here. Only 31 more days to go until my due date. Now I will admit that I do hope that Little Miss comes a bit earlier. Just to ease my uncomfortable body!

Secondly, another good growth u/s, well sort of... She was totally uncooperative and would not allow the tech to measure her skull. She has her head buried under my pubic bone. But without the head measurement they have her weight estimated at about 5lb 3 oz. So I'm sure she is bigger than that. And that makes me happy that she is getting bigger. I also got a quick good glance at her little face and it looks like she is going to have big pouty lips. Sweet baby girl!

Thirdly, we have gotten all the baby necessities that I believe we need. I feel accomplished and ready now! My SIL is going to bring me her breast pump today and show me how to use it. Yahhh for being ready!

And last but not least. I am so thankful to have JD by my side through all of this. When I think back about everything we've gone through to get here, I don't know a lot of couples who would have made it through this unscathed. He makes me laugh everyday. He still thinks I'm cute even though I'm the size of a small whale! And best of all he tries to rub the fluid out of my feet ever night. God I love him! And I hope my other IF partners have have someone as wonderful as I do beside them.

I will do a bump picture on Sunday. Which is my official 36 week day. Stay tuned (if you can read this)!

Much Love!

The Nursery Revealed!

2011-05-30T15:18:00.000-04:00

It is finally all finished! Wow what a job! I think it took us this long as we were afraid we were getting ready for heart ache. But we've moved (sort of) past this stage, and are embracing that we have a baby girl coming home in the next 4 weeks (maybe sooner)! Without further ado....

Well there it is. The pictures on the wall are from embryo development until now. I have one blank one that will get filled on Thursday. And the pink one is save for her newborn pictures. I know it's hard to tell the wall colour but it is actually white. We wanted to stay very gender neutral on the colour that way if we are fortunate enough to get preggo on our last embryo, we can adjust the nursery to suit whatever second bubble might be.

Things are going well here. I have a feeling that I will be very lucky to make it another 2 weeks. I don't know why I feel this way, but I really don't think I am going to make it to 40 weeks. But who knows, watch I'll end up getting induced! LOL! I finished packing her diaper bag. I packed my 'travel' bag, minus my make up and hair stuff obviously. And when JD gets home I am going to get him to get my suitcase from the basement so I can start getting my hospital suitcase ready to rock.

I am still having issues with 'Blogger'. I can not access one of my blog favorites. And I really want Meagan to know that I am thinking of her. I have been where she is, and it is a hard place to pull yourself out of. Nothing about IF is fair. You just do what you can to keep it together and keep putting one foot in front of the other. If that means taking a girls weekend, hitting the gym, shopping (even when you don't need it), or eating pounds of chocolate than do it. Slowly but surely you will recover from this failure. I promise. Please know I am thinking of you!

Mush Love!

ks

34 Week Survey

2011-05-26T07:48:00.000-04:00

How far along: 34 Weeks and 4 days

Total weight gain/loss: Up enough!!!

Maternity clothes: exclusively

Stretch marks: None! Thank you stretch mark cream!

Sleep: Off/On - I average 1 good night sleep out of 4 nights, so not awesome.

Movement: Lots of movement! And lots of movement at night, so Little Miss is already keeping me up at nights!

Cravings: Slushies! If I could have one everyday I would!

Aversions: Vegetables!

Gender: Little Miss!

Symptoms: Swollen feet (they seem to never go down and they hurt!), heartburn, low down pressure, and leaky spots... I'm thinking I have maybe 2 more weeks and Little Miss just might be here!

What I miss: The gym, my smaller bum, and being able to bend over with out aching! Oh and I miss wearing cute shoes! But I think I'm going to miss her moving inside me more! :(

What I look forward to: Meeting her! I can't wait to meet this little miracle! But I am terrified of labour!

Moods: A lot of ups and downs. Yesterday I think I cried 4x! Mainly because I have no idea how I am ever going to get my body back. But also because I am super afraid that something is going to go wrong. Mostly I am good, but I seem to have 2-3 bad days a week.

Milestones: Next growth u/s at 36 weeks 5 days. And of course 37 weeks, FULL TERM!

Medical Concerns: low papp a results. And consistently high blood pressure. Thankfully I have an amazing Dr who is really watching me. I finally have a 2 week break until my next Dr's appointment!

Weekly Wisdom: No wisdom this week... I'm too much of a rookie for wisdom! LOL!

Worst moment this week: Got into a fight with my mom this weekend. It was just one of those weekends. We just can't seem to connect, and everything she says lately seems to have a negative tone to it, plus she keeps belittling all my nesting needs! Drives me nuts!

Best moment this week: Monday we finished the upper level with the hardwood. The nursery is fully together now minus some pictures that we are going to hang tonight.

How do I feel about DE at 34 weeks? Blessed!

Blogger...!

2011-05-24T18:33:00.002-04:00

You are really pissing me off!!! Get it together!!!

Still Here!

2011-05-24T07:35:00.000-04:00

And still pregnant! We've been very busy lately. With at least 2 doctor's appointments a week, company, and trying very hard to get the house ready for baby girl, there really has been no time for blogging.

The hard wooding project is finally done. It took 2 weekends, but it's done, and looks fantastic! The nursery is almost completely done. We got the glider this weekend. The only thing left to do is hang up her pictures and decals and then we are done! I will get a picture up when it is complete.

I think I've figured out the insomnia problem. It seems to happen on the days when I have NST test or Dr's appointments. Apparently they are really worrying me, even though I keep telling myself that everything is fine. Oh well!

Today I have to run to the hospital for the NST and then off to my local GP for a thyroid test, as I am totally out of meds! Uh Oh! I also am supposed to go to the Baby Store and get our registry updated, pick up Shampoo and Conditioner at the salon, and make a salon appointment. Lots to do! And everything is an hour or more away, so I best be getting in the shower and get ready for the day!

I promise I will update with a survey and picture very very soon. I'm always reading even if I'm not commenting!

Much Love!

Happy Birthday!

2011-05-16T09:48:00.000-04:00

To ME! Yes today is my 33rd Birthday! And yesterday was my shower. What a wonderful weekend we had. There was a lot of work done on my house. It's not complete yet but it's getting there. We should have the nursery completely done by next weekend. The hardwood is down and the trim is back on it just needs to be cocked and a little touch up painting. Then we need to finish the shelving in the closet, organize the furniture, and hang all her wonderful pictures and such. I promise I will post a picture when it is done.

Onto the shower. What a great day. I got my makeup done which made me feel good. Especially since I am so swollen right now. Even my face is swollen. Awesome! I ended up spending way too much money on products, but I am really tired of my pro-activ, and was really looking for some new facial products. I hope JD isn't too mad at me. Oh well!

We had about 30 people at my shower. Some of my friends from my hometown came which was great. So wonderful for them to have travelled 3+ hours just for my shower. I was so touched. And I was so happy to see them, as I haven't seen them in a long time. Lola was spoiled rotten! I did a quick speech and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. I didn't intend to make everyone cry but I wanted them to know what a miracle it was that we were having a shower in the first place and how much it meant to me to know that this little Miss is surrounded with such love.

My parents left for home this morning, they are coming back again on the weekend when JD is off to finish the flooring. So today I am spending the day on the couch, chilling with my feet up. Who could ask for a better Birthday!

I hope everyone had a great weekend! Much Love!

Non Stress Test...Almost Admitted...

2011-05-12T06:55:00.000-04:00

Sorry for my silence of late, but things have happening here. I had my first NST test on Tuesday. I was a little nervous about it as I didn't really know what to expect. And I was a little ticked off as my appointment was for 10 and I didn't get hooked up until 11:15. For the hour and 15 minutes I waited, I sat in a stupid hospital chair with my feet swelling. (My feet have been swelling a lot lately) Anyway, Little Miss did fine with the non stress test, but then they take my blood pressure. And that is not good. So they retest 5 minutes later and it's worse. They wait another 15 minutes and it's even worse. 139/96. The only reason I was released is I had a Dr's appointment the next day.

They also ran some bloodwork and told me if it was wonky I had to promise to come back. I was ordered home to the couch to do nothing. JD and I tested again at 7 that night and my pressure was 146/99, but by 10 that night it was back down to 129/85, and the next morning it was at my normal pregnancy level. Blood work was fine. But feet are still swollen and seem to never really go down.

I have no idea why my pressure spiked. I really wasn't feeling stressed out or anything. I don't know. Maybe I was anxious, but not that anxious..!? Suffice it to say I will not be working much longer, maybe Friday that is it! I have a ton of appointments now. Ultra sound growth scan today, Dr's again on Tuesday, and then another non stress test after that. My shower is this weekend. My parents are coming today, my SIL and niece on Saturday, so I'm busy enough that adding work into the mess will just make me really stressed.

Too say I'm okay would kind of be a lie. I'm a little worried about Little Miss. She hasn't been as active as I would like since all the drama. They checked her heartbeat yesterday and all the books say that movement decreases at this stage as they run out of room, but I'm still super worried. Low Papp-A has instances in stillborn. And that is scaring the crap out of me. Plus the fact that JD and I have had nothing my terrible luck all the way through out this trying to concieve journey, that I really have a hard time believing we will have our happy ending. Only time will tell...

C'mon Little Miss stay put for 5 more weeks. And please God, please bring her to us healthy!

Much Love!

Fellow Blogger...AngelWingsBaby!

2011-05-05T17:13:00.000-04:00

I don't know why but I can rarely get into your blog. It is only showing me your title. I saw your post from today on my IPhone but I hate typing on that thing so i planned to send you a message but I can't get into it?!?

Regarding doing an FET (embryo transfer) with only estrace. That is the only way I have done all of my transfers. Since I have ovarian failure, I do not produce any follies (just cysts) and I need the estrace to attempt to build a lining. My Dr's do suppress me though just in case my body decides to try to ovulate. Then I take estrace (vaginally) up to 4 mg three times daily until I have a good lining, then start the progesterone 5 days prior to transfer. And whammo! Pregnant until proven otherwise! :)

I sincerely hope that your clinic is able to pull up their socks and get your transfer finished off with some great success. I hope you see this post and I hope it helps you feel more at ease. Wishing you all the very best!

Much Love!

30 Week Belly Shot

2011-04-29T12:51:00.000-04:00

For your viewing pleasure....

This is one of the t-shirts I bought at the baby show. It is the softest most fantastic t-shirt I own currently.

I know it's not a great shot. It's really hard for me to take the picture by myself. I think I'll try to get JD to take a picture on Sunday. I think I've grown quite a bit this week already.

Okay I am going to rave a little bit. The t-shirts I bought are organic cotton. It is a small company that a husband and wife own, and I especially love that. JD and I are the same, small business, family run, so we really like to support mom and pop shops as well. The prices are great, quality is great, and the fit is true fit. I ordered large as I like my shirts to be long, so I can wear tights and still cover my rear end. Plus I also like to throw everything is the dryer and this gives me room for shrinkage. But if you are a medium order a medium. Please pop over and have a look, I promise if you get a shirt you will love it! kss maternity

Okay now onto my day today. I am blogging from home right now. On my recliner with my feet on a pillow, and an ice pack on my knees. I am swollen again today, and I fell at work this morning. I think baby is okay. I've felt her move a couple of times since then and I'm not cramping or anything. I actually did everything in my power not to hit my stomach when I smacked down on the concrete. I was stepping up on a high curb and caught my flip flops, went flying down. I landed on my knees and elbows, and rolled to the left. My toes, knees and elbows are bloody and very swollen now. It wouldn't have been so bad but I was doing a fast walk, jog up the curb. Dumb, dumb, dumb!

I have a lot more pictures to post they will be coming soon. I really want to show off our new master bedroom. It looks so good. I stupidly didn't take a before picture. Which was nice as well, very spa like, but it was so bright that it felt like we were sleeping with the lights on. Anyway I'm home licking my wounds and cried out. Now I think I'm due an afternoon cat nap.

Much Love!

Thankless Cankles!

2011-04-26T21:29:00.000-04:00

So the swelling is kicking in! Dang It! In this picture you can really see that my right ankle and foot is more swollen than the left. This was only 1/2 of what they actually ended up swelling up to. I took this picture at about 3:00 in the afternoon on Saturday and by night fall I had ice packs on my feet. They actually hurt! The swelling actually went all the way up past my knees! It didn't go down until Tuesday morning. And to me it still looks like my right foot and calf are still a bit swollen. I think being in the car for 6 hours is just not a good thing for someone who is 30 weeks pregnant. I don't think I'll be making anymore trips to Ottawa in my near future. (usually it is only a 4 hour drive but Good Friday traffic really sucked) The swelling doesn't really bother me, but I did end up with a wicked headache on Monday as well and y'know my mind just went straight to pre-e... Uh Oh! But I think I'm fine, just too long in the car, and not enough time with my feet up.

Swelling aside everything in my little world is okay. I'm really not working too much anymore after the cankles started to appear. JD said he thinks that's enough. We had our growth u/s on Monday. Lola looks good. Big! She is currently at approx 3 lbs, 5 ounces. The clinic they sent me to wasn't any different than my usual clinic. So if I need it again I'm going to request that I go to my usual u/s clinic. I have another Dr's appointment on Thursday so I will hopefully get more info on the u/s and about how we are doing. Hopefully steriod shots will be done on Thursday.

Tomorrow JD is going to paint our bedroom. He's getting my nesting list started FINALLY! LOL! I tore apart our bedroom closet and organized that today. I got the new curtain for our room. And tomorrow while JD paints I am going to do the front hall closet, organize some of the nursery stuff, laundry and maybe a quick trip to Babies.RUs, we'll just have to see how motivated I am.

I've got another post coming on Thursday with the belly shot, picture, and a link to an awesome maternity t-shirt company I'm in love with. More to come.

Much Love!

Happy Easter Folks!

2011-04-21T21:22:00.000-04:00

I'm off for the weekend to go visiting family, so I won't be posting this weekend. I wanted to make sure I posted though to wish you all a very Happy Easter. Enjoy your long weekend!

Sorry I've been MIA all week. I have been computer (less) all week. I've got about 3 blog posts saved up including pictures, they are all going to come pouring out next week. Hopefully I'll be able to post next week and these Braxton Hicks will stop! C'mon Lola stay in for at least 6 more weeks! Please!?!?

I owe you all a belly picture and it is coming soon. I am going to post a link to where I got my most favorite maternity t-shirts, it's a local couple that sell these shirts and I met them at the baby show after e-mailing each other for about 2 weeks. They are the softest most wonderful things I put on recently. My belly picture will be me in one of these shirts. I've got my fingers crossed that I can find a nursing bra this week. I am quickly destroying my Victoria.Secret bras with all this leakage. Dang It! More money to spend.

Sorry this post is so scattered but I'm trying to bang this out really quickly so I can get to bed. I'm super tired and I've been having BH's all day. So I need to get vertical! Happy Easter again everyone!

Much Love!

Me A-Z

2011-04-18T08:48:00.000-04:00

Me A to Z
(I don't think I've done this meme before.)

A. Age: 32

B. Bed size: King - which we lovingly refer to as the King Ding! LOL!

C. Chore you dislike: Cleaning the shower. Hence a cleaning lady that was hired 1 year ago! Yahh!

D. Dogs: We have 3 Maltese. Maddie (Mad Dog) is 13, Tonka (Honky Tonky) is 10, and Lexxus (Sexy Lexy) is 9.

E. Essential start to your day: Large Bottle of Water

F. Favorite color: Blue

G. Gold or silver: Gold.

H. Height: 5'2". Well, officially. I'm really about 5'1 3/4".

I. Instruments you play(ed): I played the organ for 10 years. (I know odd right?!?)

J. Job title: Agency Operator

K. Kids: 1 peanut coming soon!

L. Live: in a detached house with JD and 3 fur babies.

M. Mom’s name: Sue

N. Nicknames: Growing up my family called me KareBear, but JD always calls me Boo.

O. Overnight hospital stays: Quite a few... Tonsils (age 17), Abscess in my throat (5 days - 19 yrs old), and viral meningitis (5 days - 23 yrs old).

P. Pet peeves: Oh goodness, were would I start? Whistling. I have no idea why this irritates me but it really, really does. The other is people jingling the change in their pocket... JD!!!

Q. Quote from a movie: "Just sayin is all!" - Sweet Home Alabama

R. Righty or lefty: Righty. JD is a lefty.

S. Siblings: 2 older brothers

T. Time you wake up: 5:00 am. Urrrgghhh!

U. Underwear: (right now) maternity hipsters. When I'm not pregnant, low rise hipsters or thongs.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: most... It would be a shorter list if I just listed the ones I liked! LOL!

W.What makes you run late: What to wear... Sometimes there are clothes changing start happening as we are getting ready to walk out the door.

X. X-rays you’ve had: teeth, left elbow, right hand, chest, nose, and too many cat scans.

Y. Yummy food you make: Sloppy Cubanos, Chicken Lasagna, Goat Cheese Mac N Cheese.

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Panda Bears!

A new post about the Baby Show is coming soon. With a picture of my new favorite t-shirt! Stay tuned!

Much Love!

ks

Pass and Fail..and Thank you!

2011-04-15T08:55:00.000-04:00

First of all I just want to say Thank you. Your comments really did help me feel better. I think a lot of the low days can be attributed to hormones, and the reality that our IF journey was one hell of a roller coaster.

Which is to be expected when it comes to us. LOL! I passed my GD test! Yahh! And I passed most of my other blood work, except, my Papp - A is still in the very low range. Of course. We didn't do the steroid shots yet. We are hoping to push it until at least 30-32 weeks. I have a growth/size scan booked for 2 weeks from now. And we are going to start the NST tests soon. So all in all a not too bad of an appointment.

I was super cranky though yesterday. Just not getting enough sleep, and having zero energy to do anything, but it is what it is. JD was pretty good about digging me out of my funk. He's just a funny boy, irritating at times, but I always end up laughing dangit!

I'm still working for the time being. Not a whole lot, but I'm still getting up at 5:00 and getting my arse into the office to make sure everything is okay. I usually stay for about 5-6 hours then head home for a big nap. I've told JD I would really prefer not to do weekends anymore though. Saturday's seem to kill me. It's over 8 hours and most of it is either on your feet or on an 8 year old stool, so very uncomfortable for that kind of duration. But every 2 weeks JD asks me "Do you want to be on the schedule?" And every 2 weeks, I feel guilty and say "Yes..." But I think I'm only going to finish doing the next 2 weeks on schedule and then after that I will just come in sporadically to check on paper work and such. We'll see!

Well that's my update for today. I promise I will get a picture on Sunday at 29 weeks. Maybe before we go to the baby show! :) Anyway, have a good weekend everyone!

Much Love!

Low...

2011-04-12T21:27:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling a bit blue. It's really a combination of things. I know any of you that are reading this that are still trying are thinking suck it up. And I am trying. I'm just having a very hard time believing that everything is going to be okay. I'm having trouble seeing the finish line. I think a lot of it comes down to having no self esteem... I feel like I'm not a good enough person to deserve our happy ending. I just feel like the diagnosis of infertility was such a gigantic blow, and maybe it's because I beat myself up for it for so long. I know our IF is not necessarily MY fault, but it's hard not to think that way when it is your body that fails.

Second thing that makes me feel low is how difficult this pregnancy has been. It has been fraught with worry and bad tests. I have another series of test results coming on Thursday. Let's just see if I can pass these. I always dreamed of being one of those cute short tiny pregnant woman, and I just feel like a freaking butter ball. My belly isn't that big, as I've gained the weight every where. And the weight gain is difficult for someone who battled an eating disorder for years. I remind myself daily that this weight is for Lola, and I can work my arse off later. This I can seem to shake off, but still there are days when it really brings me down.

Thirdly, $$$$. We spent so much money on trying to have a baby, that we have set ourselves back at least 5 years. We own our own business which means when the economy takes a dive we take a dive. And man the last year has been very tough. A lot of people think that if you own your own business you live very well. Let me tell you this is so not the case. If we have a poop month, we pay our employees and we take the cut. Which is what has been happening for the last while. There is nothing we can do about it either. Our business is very much like this, you have seasons where you make a ton of $ and then some where you run in the red. It's always been like this. So we have to save every penny during the really good months to make sure we can do payroll on the off months. And now with me leaving the office our payroll is going to balloon. So I'm really feeling the stress.

Blahh!!! I'm sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. This is actually why I haven't been posting very much lately. I'm sure I'll snap out of it soon, but you know how sometimes purging yourself of your feelings and fears, make it easier? Well that's what I'm hoping happens tonight.

Much Love!

So Tired!

2011-04-08T10:03:00.000-04:00

I have been such a bad blogger. And it's not from lack of items to blog about, I'm just too tired to try to put my thoughts into coherent sentences. Sorry folks!

I ended up on the phone with Labour and Delivery last week due to nagging lower pressure. I decided not to go in for assessment, because it seemed that if I got my feet up and drank a gallon of water it would ease. If I had any other symptoms I would have for sure gone in, but nothing else has presented itself. My Dr. called me yesterday at home to see if I wanted to come in today instead of waiting another week. I decided against it. I think I am okay for another week. IF anything changes for sure I will go in.

Heartburn has been horrible. Apparently baby girl does not like fruit and vegs at all! Every time I eat a banana or an apple I end up with crazy bad heartburn for hours. But yet give me a smoothie and it's okay?!? No logic here really!

My oldest BFF is coming to visit this weekend. I haven't seen her yet since I've been pregnant. That should be nice. I hope she understands that I can barely stay up to 10. Total sleepy lightweight here! I'm also going to try to convince her that cleaning out my closet is a fun thing to do. I only have help every other weekend to get this house ready, so company or not we are doing some nesting folks! LOL!

This is about all my mushy brain can put together today. Hopefully Monday will bring me a clearer head!

Much Love!

P.S. FUCK YOU PETA!!! You insensitive losers! (And that's about all I have to say about them)

Glucose Test...

2011-03-31T09:06:00.000-04:00

I do hope I passed it, because OMG if I have to drink that cr@p one more time! Urgh! Baby Girl was certainly bothered by it all day as well. She was moving all day, and I had a ton of lower pressure. So low in fact that I refused to do much of anything other than lay with my feet up. It honestly felt like I had a water balloon in between my legs just ready to burst at any moment. Which I don't think is something I want to feel for another 13 weeks or so.

I have a feeling though that I probably will not pass this test. I'm gaining weight at an incredible rate, my feet swell almost constantly, (I actually don't think I have ankles anymore) I get almost daily headaches, heart palpitations and I've recently started seeing stars on occasion. Now mind you I suffer from Thyroid disease so some of these may very well be attributed to this. And when I see stars I'm not dizzy or head achy, I just get a very weird vision with little bursts.

I am going to mention all of this to my OB at my next appointment, which is in 2 weeks. I'll call if anything gets any worse. When I did my glucose test, they also ran my TSH, CBC, and anti bodies, so I will know shortly if some of these symptoms are related to my thyroid. We shall see!

Now onto a very important dilemma... A NAME... We have none! OMG! We are having such a hard time with this. We want something cute that can be shortened and we want it to be her own. Because we are like the last people we know to have our children a lot of names we like have been taken. We love Peyton, gone, Gracin, gone, Olivia, gone, Sophia, gone, Madison, gone, Lexxus, gone, Samantha, gone, well you get the idea. We fell in love with one name and do call her that, but my whole family hates it... And not just a little, they detest it! We love Lola. My mom thinks it sounds like an exotic dancers name! It so doesn't! Anyway if any of you have ideas, please share. Keep in mind we have a super long last name, and I'm hoping her middle name will be Susan, so we want to avoid names that start with A or her initials will be A.S.S.! LOL!

Much Love!

26 Weeks Survey (with DE Addition - Thanks Lisa)

2011-03-29T09:06:00.001-04:00

How far along: 26 weeks and 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: + 19 lbs.

Maternity clothes: exclusively

Stretch marks: None! Thank you stretch mark cream!

Sleep: Off/On - I average 1 good night sleep out of 4 nights, so not awesome.

Movement: Lots of movement! Not really kicks but swooshing!

Cravings: Chocolate - specifically Snickers!

Aversions: Vegetables!

Gender: Little Miss!

Symptoms: TMI Alert! Constipation, heartburn (bad) and leaky tatas!

What I miss: The gym, my smaller bum, and being able to bend over with out aching! Must say though I love my new boobs! Good bye B cup!

What I look forward to: My Dad coming home to help us finish the hardwood floor, so we can get the nursery finished. My mom finally coming home as well, for a good belly rub! :) (I know I'm a huge suck and I miss my parents terribly! I'm not a fan of the new snowbird lifestyle!)

Moods: Even - Good with the not so good! LOL!

Milestones: 28 weeks (better chance of viability, and first steroid shot)

Medical Concerns: low papp a results. Concern for baby being IUGR, and for me to have hypertension and pre-e. Biggest concern though is pre term labour. Another series of tests today including my Glucose test! Urrrgghhh! C'mon let me pass these please!!?!?!

Weekly Wisdom: No wisdom this week... I'm too much of a rookie for wisdom! LOL!

Worst moment this week: None! :)

Best moment this week: Saturday. We finished getting the main level organized and flipping the rooms around. It looks great and will work so much better with a baby! Much more floor space in our new family room!

How do I feel about DE at 26 weeks?

Well... It's still a mixed bag of emotions really. There are times I catch myself and think I wonder if she'll have as much hair as I did when I was born, then I shake my head and think why would she, she has none of my genes. So I tend to forget about DE and then when I remember it gives me a little pain in my heart. And it's not a pain of regret, it's a pain because I feel like she is all mine and it pains me to think that she might hate me or not feel complete because of how she came to be.

I feel so blessed to have had DE as an option. And we did not enter into it lightly. However my concern from the beginning has always been how are my children going to feel? And what makes me more nervous is how some of our family feels that it should be a secret. I guess because it is such a new concept to them, well even fertility treatments is a very new concept to all of them really.

But it comes down to JD and I. And we feel like we have been so blessed by our donor. We feel like everything fell into place just as it should have. And that this little girl has been waiting just for us. And I think if we raise her as we plan to with love and honesty we should be okay!

Got Milk?

2011-03-25T08:13:00.000-04:00

Apparently I do! I thought it was just one of those freak things, or maybe my imagination, but a couple of weeks ago I thought one of my (.)(.) leaked. Then it happened again Tuesday morning, and I thought maybe I didn't dry myself off enough, until I got home and took off my bra and found it caked to my tata! Again I kind of shrugged it off, but nope! Yesterday morning I pulled a new clean, cake less, bra out of the dryer and sported that for most of the day. Sure enough at around 7pm I'm changing into my pj's and again clean bra is stuck to my tata.

I know it can happen, but I'm a little worried that my body is getting ready a little bit too early. So my nerves are high and I am a bit cranky from worry. On top of that I feel horrible about myself right now. I had worked so hard to lose the weight my stupid thyroid disease and fertility drugs piled on me, and now with being on limited duties all the weight has flooded back on. I know a lot of it is baby weight, but my body also likes to pile it on to my hips, @ss and thighs. So I feel super unattractive right now.

Well JD loves the gym. And that's fine with me really. (Okay not really because I can't go) But he works until 7 most nights and then goes to the gym until 9 or 10 at night. Well anyway I'm not going to get into it, but let's just say I'm not a very happy person right now. And we fought until 1130 last night. And today I'm still.... It's not even that I'm mad at him really. I'm just feel so unattractive, and unwanted, and I'm terrified that I will never get my body back to where I once was. My mom is seriously over weight with no thyroid issues, so I know how easy it can happen without anything hindering you. What's going to happen to me???

Okay enough! Back to work! I'm sure I'll snap out of this soon. I may be a bit hormonal lately. Gee you think, since I'm leaking milk!?!?

Rant! (TV rant) - UPDATE

2011-03-24T08:52:00.001-04:00

I am so irritated! One of my favorite shows is losing me this season. Private Practice. I'm so ticked off. I thought when they introduced the fact that Addison had high FSH, coupled with the fact that Naomi is an RE, it might have opened the door to discussion of DE or Donor Embryo. But NOOOOO! Instead they've done a really horrible episode where they were going to harvest a sick newborns eggs for her mother to use, and now apparently Addison is miraculously pregnant with Sam's baby. Seriously?!?!

Please give more of the masses a false sense of what being infertile means. It doesn't mean drink lots of wine, have tons of tawdry affairs and what do you know you will end up pregnant. That is so not how it happens. Even the miracle pregnancies that I know of that have happened lately have happened to women who were doing, acupuncture, eating healthy, taking vitamins, recently been on fertility drugs of sort (estrogen, progesterone, even stims the month prior), or had recently had baby(s), thus maybe resetting their bodies. Anyway, it just ticks me off because this show had/has a great opportunity to really bring DE and Donor Embryo, heck infertility, into the fold and educate it's viewers, and instead it's continuing with it's Soap Opera dramatics.

Okay enough about this... Sorry I've been MIA for the last week, I've really been a boring blogger. I'm planning on doing my 26 week survey and picture on Sunday so stay tuned!

Much Love!

ks

UPDATE!
At the end of the show they revealed that no Addison is not pregnant. However this show is still ticking me off and I think I'm going to have to end my love affair with it as I did Desperate Housewives. But at least they didn't play into the 'relax, forget about it, and it will happen' theory that fertiles love to push!

13 Years Ago...

2011-03-17T10:42:00.000-04:00

This week I started dating this 'guy'. He wasn't my type at all. But he was persistent, so I thought why not I'll give him a shot. Little did I know when I let this 'guy' in he would never leave! LOL! Literally! The first night we partied it up like rock stars and he spent the night (no not like that)! And then he never left. He ended up spending a week at my place, until his cousin got mad at him. Still I thought well this is fine for now but once summer break comes, he'll go home, and we'll go our separate ways. (I hate long distance relationships) Nope! That didn't happen. This 'guy' was insistent we would make it work through the summer. And he did make it work. He came up to see me 2x a week.

He raced up that summer when my grand father passed away. He took me home to meet his parents! OMG! He took ME home to meet his parents! (I was not one of those girlfriends that was ever taken home to the parents. With piercings, tattoos, and I drank too much, smoked too much) And OMG this 'guy' took me home to his parents - his religious parents!

Okay maybe I do like this guy. But let's not get all committed and shit yet, okay?!?! School time is rolling near again. I ask said special (not committed) 'guy' where he planned to live, and he looked at me with all seriousness and said "with you of course!" So in the 'guy' officially moved!

2 months into our cohabiting. My Ex (my first love who shattered me) comes rolling into town wanting to see me. I don't even know how he found me to be honest. I hadn't seen him in 2 years and I'd moved 3x. I let Mr. Ex come over for a night of bar hopping and tom foolery. 'Guy' was not happy... 'Guy' had reason not to be happy. This Ex still had a large piece of my heart, and probably will forever (as my first love). But when Mr. Ex made his plea for me to run away with him, and join him on his pro athlete life, and that he missed me more than he ever knew and would love me forever, I looked in his eyes, and said "No Thank you! I've found my prince!"

With no hesitation, no second thought, my choice was made. I chose my best friend, my prince, the man I had dreamed of since I was a little girl. This 'guy' loved me for who I was, all the good, the bad, and the ugly. He saw a future with me. And he would never intentionally hurt me in anyway.

What a good decision I made that week 13 years ago. It was probably one of the only good decisions I made throughout my college experience. But it is one I will treasure for all my life. Our journey together has not been a pretty one, with all sunshine and rainbows. But we have stood strong together and faced our fate holding hands. I fall in love with JD more and more each year we are together. We are always changing and growing, and with every new obstacle we face, new role, or new grey hair, I will hold his hand, tell him I love him, and never leave him.

Thank you JD for being so persistent. Thank you for waiting for me to grow up. Thank you for chosing me as your partner. I love you Boo!

Ultrasound Results FINALLY!

2011-03-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

I've been quiet as I was waiting for the results from the specialist about our big u/s appointment. I finally got the results today! Perfect! She looks great, growing on target, placenta has good blood flow, umbilical cord is functioning fine, no blood clots, and my 2 main arteries are feeding into the uterus fine! Yahhhh! Phew! I feel like I can breath again!

I hate getting an u/s at the hospital, they never tell you anything, and they are so cold. We have been sitting here for 5 days worrying. But thankfully no more! I guess the only thing left now for the papp a score is me. I guess this means that I am at a risk for hypertension and pre-e. We'll just have to watch, and I'll really have to watch my intake of sodium.

Other than that not too much else new here. I'm busy at work trying to make up for the fact my mind has been somewhere else for 5 days. LOL!

Oh and here's the link to the site I ordered that t-shirt from...Infertility T-Shirts and more!

Much Love!

Belly Picture and Favorite T-Shirt! :)

2011-03-03T08:21:00.000-05:00

So hard to take a belly shot by yourself! But here is my first attempt! I promise to try to get a better one soon. One where I am not twisting in a knot! LOL!

I ordered this t-shirt when we finally hit the 2nd trimester. I had been waiting for 2 years to buy this shirt! I haven't worn it out in public yet, but it is my go to t-shirt when I get home. JD loves it. It's empowering to know that we fought IF and are (hopefully) going to come out the other side of this!

Now onto other matters... Today I have my big Doppler velocity blah, blah, blah ultra sound. Today is where we find out if the placenta and the umbilical cord are working properly. I didn't sleep very well most of the night again. Too much stress and fear I guess. Plus little Miss has been pretty quiet for the last couple of days so I start to worry. She is still moving but not as hard, as frequent, or as long. I know that is normal, but dang it still throws me into a tail spin. Oh well! If you are a prayer, please pray that my blood work is just one of those things, and that everything is fine with little Miss. I will post an update when I can!

Much Love!

22 Weeks!

2011-02-28T09:30:00.001-05:00

I can't believe it! I'm 22 weeks along! WOW! I'm finally getting back into my blogging and commenting so I thought I would start off my week of posts with a new survey. Enjoy!

How far along: 22 weeks and 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: + 15 lbs. (I know, I know, not good, but stupid thyroid issues make weight gain super easy when I'm not allowed to work out. Whatever I'll just work that much harder after baby!)

Maternity clothes:   exclusively

Stretch marks:   None! Thank you stretch mark cream!

Sleep:   Not awesome! Still haven't gotten my Snuggi pillow...Must get this week!!

Movement:   Lots of movement! JD actually felt it for the first time on Thursday night!

Cravings:   All food!

Aversions:   Vegetables!

Gender: Little Miss!

Symptoms:   TMI Alert! Constipation ... And trust me I am eating a ton of fiber!

What I miss:   The gym, my smaller bum, and being able to bend over with out aching! Must say though I love my new boobs! Good bye B cup!

What I look forward to:   Getting the nursery together. We are slowly buying all the necessary pieces and I can't wait for the final product to be finished, including a cute little pink bundle! :)

Moods: All over the place! JD finds this hilarious!

Milestones:   28 weeks (better chance of viability)

Medical Concerns: low papp a results. Concern for baby being IUGR, and for me to have hypertension and pre-e. Biggest concern though is pre term labour.

Weekly Wisdom:   No wisdom this week... I'm too much of a rookie for wisdom! LOL!

Worst moment this week:   No movement on Friday. I really started to freak out. She is usually super active from 10:30 - 11:30 am, and then again from 8:30 - 11:00 pm. So I honestly thought horrible scary thoughts all day! I even ate some chocolate and just could not get her flipping or kicking.

Best moment this week: U/S on Saturday! Baby looked great! And my awesome tech did a quick check on my placenta and she can't see any issues so she doesn't really understand my low papp a blood results.

I am going to get a picture with my phone tomorrow morning so I can post a 22 week belly bump photo finally! All my other pictures are on my camera and for some reason my camera card and my laptop do not see eye to eye, and asking JD to do it on his laptop, means you will see the pics when our baby girl is 2! LOL!   Well that's all for today folks!

Much Love!

ks

Happy Family Day!

2011-02-21T13:32:00.000-05:00

Today is Family Day in Ontario. It is a provincial holiday. Everything is supposed to be shut, however, I'm working! Big Surprise! We are at holiday hours so I only work until 4:00 today, but still I would much rather be at home watching tv with my little family, JD, Maddie, Tonka and Lexxie! Ahhh my lovely doggies! How I love them! They are all super overdue for a grooming appointment, so they all look like little white e-woks!

I'm feeling a bit better today. Not as doom and gloom as I was originally. I feel pretty confident that my Dr is going to really watch this little one and make sure that the moment danger is detected, get her out. However we really need to make it past 24 weeks. Only 3 more weeks to go. I am going to ask him at my next appointment about doing the steroid shots to try to mature her lungs a little faster in hopes that if she does come early she has the best fighting chance we can offer her.

I missed doing my survey this week as I was too overcome with emotion and too busy researching, so I will do one this week I promise.

I am planning on buying the snoogle tomorrow! If you haven't seen this pillow check it out. I've heard nothing but fantastic things about it. I have the wedge, but I find I toss it throughout the night. My sleep has not been great lately, so I am really hoping that the snoogle is going to help with my back and hip pain.

Not too much other news on my front. We are going to JD's parents house tonight for dinner with the gang. I'm really hoping that his mom has figured out that onions do not go in Caesar salad... Urrrggghhh! Oh well, I might just have to eat 2 dinners tonight!

Much Love!

Scared...

2011-02-19T09:53:00.002-05:00

I had my OB appointment yesterday. It turns out not all of my level II blood work came back awesome. We are in the clear for trisomies, downs and neural tube issues, however my papp a level came back low. If you are like me your kind of like "okay WTH is that and what does it mean?" Papp A stands for Pregnancy Associated Plasma Protein and it is a protein made by the syncytiotrophoblast of the placenta to increase its sensitivity to grow. Women with low blood levels of PAPPA at 8 to 14 weeks of gestation have an increased risk of intrauterine growth restriction, trisomy 21, premature delivery, preeclampsia, and stillbirth. (my risk for Down's came in at 1 : 4750 and neural was 1 : 7500, so they do not believe the low papp a is an indicator of Trisomy 21 in our case)

Now my OB did not go into extreme detail with us about all of this. This is information I have been able to find regarding it. His main concern with my numbers is the risk of high blood pressure (hypertension) and a small baby. I think he was sugar coating so we wouldn't worry, but there really is no way we are not going to worry.

I am being sent for a Doppler velocity ultrasound (sp) which is to check the blood flow to the uterus, umbilical cord and to check the pressure in the womb. To say we are scared is an understatement. One little bit of information I have been able to find that has made me feel a little better is that these numbers can be skewed with twins, especially if there is a fetal demise with one twin. Which we had. And unfortunately it wasn't vanishing twin so B's sac was still present at the last u/s which can throw off the numbers.

Sorry this might get downer from here on out...can it really get any worse...?

I just don't understand any of this. I mean we've struggled for so long. Then to finally find success and with twins. Then the horrible day in ER with the SCH and being sent home told that they were both fine...4 days later B is passed away. Now THIS!!!

I don't want to lose my baby girl. I don't want her to be sick or have to struggle. I just wanted a normal pregnancy, with all the regular pregnancy stuff. Not all these scares, bleeds, further tests, worry and anxiety. Just give us a break already...

To my baby girl... I love you more than myself already. Please stay with me. Please be a strong little fighter. Your Daddy and I want you so bad, and love you so much! Please, please, please God make this okay?!?!?!?!

Back to Work...

2011-02-17T13:58:00.000-05:00

I so wish I could have just stayed in Arizona until winter is over. There wasn't a cloud in the sky the entire time we were there. I was in the pool everyday with my mom. JD golfed every day with my Dad. We shopped, ate and soaked up the sun, what more could you ask for!?

Can I just tell you how much I love Pea in the Pod?! I just wish I had no hips and bum, then I could fit into their pants, but alas I am a baby got back woman, so I need booty room! But the shirts are lovely, the bathing suits are great looking and will still work when I'm a small whale, and I picked up the most fantastic dress! Which you can see here Awesome Dress! You can't tell from the picture but the material is so slick and sheer, you would think it would be see through but it's not. It'll be perfect for summer.

I also came to a realization that it doesn't matter what I do I do NOT photo well! LOL! I swear I am so much better looking than my photos. I photo UGLY! When I post my baby bump pics on here they will be headless! LOL! Cause man every picture that was taken last week I look FUGLY!

Anyway I just wanted to let all my peeps know I'm back safe and sound! Tomorrow we have an OB appointment and then a quick u/s. I will do a post tomorrow with my 20 week survey! I'm so happy to be home!

Much Love!

Well....

2011-02-08T13:38:00.000-05:00

We are having a .............. GIRL

I am beyond shocked! I cried during the u/s. She looks great! Is measuring 2 days ahead, and looks like she is going to be tall like her daddy! It was a wonderful day yesterday.

I'm actually going to be quiet this week as we are leaving tomorrow for our 'babymoon'. LOL! If you can call it that! We are actually going to visit my parents in Tucson Arizona for a week. They are snowbirds now and I haven't seen them since November. I'm super excited.

I was actually awarded a blog award yesterday. Thank you! I will post more on this next Wednesday with my own nominations. I hope everyone stays well for the next week. I know there are a few of my blog friends that are in the 2ww. Please know I'll be thinking of you and wishing you positive outcomes! I'll also be saying my prayers for sweet Ainsley who is still fighting her way out of NICU. And to my friends who have experience loss, please know I carry you in my heart and send you healing light energy.

Much Love!

Filter Free Friday!

2011-02-04T10:08:00.000-05:00

I just stumbled across this in another blog and I thought 'What a wonderful idea!' So if you have something that you normally wouldn't state out loud or that is a little risky feel free to let the words fly on Filter Free Friday!

My Filter Free Friday involves work... I have just spent the last 1/2 hour trying to get my companies totally useless program to work so I could sell some items to a customer. Instead of it being done properly I had to break down and do up a receipt on Word. Are you f'in kidding me folks?!?! We are a world wide company with one of the best rental programs on the market and yet for our smaller supplies that we sell we have a different completely useless piece of shit program that never works! I can't for the life of me figure out what they are paying these techs for?!?!

In my earlier years I worked for a campaign manager/fundraiser and one of my jobs was creating working databases that could run a whole host of programs. I know it is not hard to program this thing to work and work well. I mean we live in a technical society folks, I should not still be running off receipts on a dot matrix printer! Arrrggghhh!!!

But alas we only own 2 locations so in the scheme of things we are little fish in a big pond and our complaints are heard by deaf ears. There are so many memos we have done and meetings we have been to where we have provided them with money making changes (and I mean we are talking about and extra $40,000 revenue per month) that have never happened. And these aren't one off ideas this is how we successfully stayed in business for 32 years prior to them joining our family.

Common sense seems to be a thing of the past. It is not something that can be taught at business school, or that comes with Harvard education in Economics. And I will tell you this if you do not have common sense when working in business you will not succeed. It boggles my mind how, now a days the totally useless people seem to get ahead... I just don't get it...

Okay so there is my rant for the day! I normally would not discuss too much of my work on here but there you have it folks, today I will require a doughnut to bring my blood pressure down a notch as I seem to be surrounded by morons doing a half assed job!

Much Love!

New Friend on the Street!

2011-02-03T12:47:00.000-05:00

My neighbours did have their baby on Jan 27. 7lb 7oz little boy named Antonio. They only just got home on Tuesday this week as he had a bit of jaundice. But mom and baby are doing well, exhausted but happy! JD and I had bought them a little something for the happy occasion. We saw the hubby out yesterday getting ready to snow clear so we ran over to drop it off and chat with him for a quick 5 minutes.

Sure enough we were right it was a long struggle for them as well. I knew it. We were the only 2 houses on the street with out kids and we are both in our 30's with good jobs and houses made for kids. I just had a feeling that they were struggling, as were we... Now I don't think they went the IVF route but I don't really know.

We came out to him though that Antonio might have a playmate come July. He was thrilled for us. I admitted to him it had been a long time coming, that's when he said us too. It took us a long time as well. We are going to pop over there sometime in the next week or two and meet little Antonio, so I'm sure the Mrs. and I will probably have a better chat then.

JD and I are trying to get ready for our baby moon. We are leaving in 6 days for Arizona. Okay so it's not really a baby moon per se, as we are going to visit my parents. My mom and dad are snowbirds now and we promised them if they bought a place in Arizona rather than Florida that we would still visit them, so we are making the trip. It actually couldn't be coming at a better time. We both just need to get away. And I miss my mom and dad something terrible. I usually see them at least once a month, well I haven't seen them since we lost B. So it's been 11 weeks. My mom and I are planning some maternity shopping! Yahh! I love shopping!

Anyway I will do a pregnancy update on Monday, and answer whether we are pink or blue team. Please blogger friends just pray that there is still a heart beat and that Bebe is healthy!

Much Love!

ks

Week 17 - 18 Survey

2011-01-28T08:30:00.034-05:00

I've seen this survey on other pregnancy blogs and always thought I can't wait to do that! I think it's a good way of documenting what has been happening week by week of this pregnancy. So here it is folks my Week 17 survey!

How far along: 17 weeks and 6 days (my week actually changes on Sunday's)

Total weight gain/loss: Up 7 lbs.

Maternity clothes: Exclusively (except pajamas)

Stretch marks: None (Thank God)

Sleep: Lots of it and sleeping very well!

Movement: Bits - I've never been pregnant before so I'm not 100% sure if it is movement or not yet...

Cravings: Yes! Food!

Aversions: Crusts and Bananas

Gender: Unknown (I think boy though)

Symptoms: Tired, cranky, and hungry all the time

What I miss: the gym - I really can't wait to be able to get back to it!

What I look forward to: Next u/s Feb 7. The big reveal on gender! :)

Moods: Tired, hungry and antsy. There is so much to get done at the house before Bebe comes!

Milestones: 24 weeks (viability)

Medical Concerns: Stupid SCH has me worried about pre term labour. And of course all the other non rational thoughts that swim through my mind on a daily basis.

Weekly Wisdom: Relax, it's okay if everything doesn't get done today.

Worst moment this week: Stupid Doppler! The Dr. found the heartbeat 2 weeks ago, and even when he found it I was like "Oh that's it!" So of course crazy me every time I try I can't find anything and I freak out. I think we might send it back as it has caused more anxiety lately.

Best moment this week: Watching my neighbours do the labour and delivery dash 2x. LOL! I think they got sent home to labour more and then sure enough that night at 7pm they were tearing out of the hood! :) It's their first as well and they are just a couple of years older than us. We think they might have had a little trouble as well, as they are the only ones on the street that never asked us about kids. Us infertiles we know better than to ask a loaded question like that! LOL!

Anyway this is my 17 week update. I know it's boring, but I think I'm going to be very happy one day that I documented all the little things each week. A belly picture is coming I promise. I've promised JD that he can finally take a picture on Sunday. Keep in mind folks I am really not photogenic, so it takes a lot for me to allow a picture to be taken! LOL! To all my blogger friends, I know I haven't commented lately, but I'm still battling this stupid bug. I have been reading though on my I.Phone! There are a lot of miracle pregnancies going on right now, it definitely is proving to be an exciting 2011. If your still in the trenches have faith my friends, your miracle could very well be right around that corner!

Much Love!

*PS* I'm very sorry if this format is all f'd up! This took me 3 tries to post and every time it was screwing up the format! Dang blogger!

Update from Dr's Appointment

2011-01-22T11:40:00.000-05:00

Okay JD and my Mom were right. I really did need to go to the Dr. He said it sounds like I have the start of pneumonia in my right lung. There is a lot of rattle and wheeze going on in there. So I am on an inhaler 2x a day right now. If my fever comes back I am to start on an antibiotic that he has prescribed.

I did the inhaler 2x yesterday and once this morning, and I feel like crap! I ended up throwing up two time last night. Once after lunch and once after dinner. And now today I feel as weak as a wet kitten. Of course I am working today. Brutal! But I have to as my staff has had to cover for me for 4 days already. I can't make them work the weekend too. But man oh man do I wish I didn't have to be here.

I'm so worried about little nut. I hope/pray that everything is okay. I yelled at JD this morning as I'm so snippy. I'm snippy because I'm tired, weak, and rung out with worry. I know there is nothing I can do, I just have to pray that this little nut can keep fighting to hold on. If you have healthy vibes, please send them my way!

Much Love!

To the Dr's I Go...

2011-01-21T09:56:00.000-05:00

Nothing to do with Bebe necessarily. It's this dang flu! I've been knocked on my butt since Monday afternoon with it. And it's just a flu, but because I've been running fevers JD and my Mom are all over me to go to the Dr's to make sure it's not an infection or anything. So today at 12:30 I will go to the Dr's. Yahh! (sarcasm) Today is my first day back in the office, and really the only reason I came in was to let my staff sleep in and because I have to get my level II blood work done. So now after work I am driving 1/2 hour south (I live north) to the Dr's then drive back to town to the opposite side of town for my blood work (another 1/2 hour drive), to then back track my way home which is yet another 1/2 an hour drive. So today I will be doing a lot of driving! Dang it! Oh well! Better to air on the side of caution when it comes to Bebe right!?

I'm feeling a little better today, no fever since about 9pm last night. Still am not eating much and I can't breath through my nose, but better than I have been feeling. I actually have make up on today and my hair done which is a big improvement from the last couple of days! And wouldn't you know it JD wanted to try to take pictures of the bump last night. I could have killed him! LOL! I'm in a wife beater with Vick's vapor rub all over, no bra, no make up, no hair done, fevered and he thinks it's photo op time!?!? WTF!?!? LOL! God love him!

I'm hoping tomorrow I will feel up to going shopping after work. There is a great sale at Thy.me Maternity and I have a coupon for $20 off when you spend over $100. I really need some shirts and sweaters. All of my non-maternity shirts and sweaters are starting to look like 'fat guy in a little shirt!'

Anyway not too much else new on this front. Unless you want TLC and Spike TV updates! LOL! I'm going to go catch up on my blog reading now since I'm finally back on my computer!

Much Love!

Emotions

2011-01-17T11:52:00.000-05:00

None are good today. I'm irritated, depressed, just plain b!tchy... We had a great weekend away in Ottawa visiting my brother, but I don't think I slept enough and today I am feeling the strain. I think I finally caught JD's cold, so that is adding to my mood.

I'm also struggling with B. Knowing that B's sac is still there is killing me inside. I just feel like it's my fault some how, like B was strong enough (if the sac is still there), just that I fucked it up... :(

And I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'll be okay for about a week and then all of a sudden I start getting these anxiety attacks. I can picture it in my head *I am just going along thinking la la la thoughts all the while with a dead baby inside me.*

I haven't really given these thoughts a voice until today. And I feel horrible like I'm jinxing everything by even uttering it. But I'm really struggling with trying to enjoy this and allowing this to be a normal great experience.

For Example...

This weekend we told my niece (6) and nephew (8) that we are expecting a baby. They were both so excited. My niece kept telling everyone she encountered that her Auntie K has a baby in her belly and she hopes it's a girl. LOL!

Well then Saturday night in bed I broke out in a sweat. Thinking what the hell am I going to do if I have to explain to her that something horrible has happened. And then my night consisted of tossing and turning with the cold sweats all night.

There is just too many of us that have struggled to finally get a positive, then get comfortable and then have it all ripped away from us. At 15 weeks, 20 weeks, 32, gosh even 40 weeks. That I feel like I can't relax for one minute. But I'm hoping by purging myself of these thoughts that maybe it will ease a bit. By putting my fears out there into the universe, maybe I will find some sense of calm.

I'm sorry this isn't a happy yahhh I'm 16 weeks post. Maybe that will come later this week, but I just wanted to share my thoughts. Just in case any of you that have found success are having the same difficult time, I want you to know you are not alone.

Much Love

ks

200th Post!

2011-01-12T14:58:00.000-05:00

Wow! It seems like just yesterday I discovered the blogging community. And what a sweet relief it was to know that we are not alone. I started this blog to help me deal with my diagnosis of POF. And it really has helped me. Getting it all out there in the open, it's a release! There are still times I get really down about our situation, but I can't change it, so I just have to deal with it and find a way to complete our dreams in a different manner. And that's what we've done.

With the help of fellow bloggers I have come to a very comfortable place with donor. I'm still figuring out how we are going to approach the topic with our children, but I'm hopeful that if we raise them with love and honesty that they won't grow up with any issues with their origins. Anyway, if you are one of my readers Thank you for hanging in with me for 200 rambling posts! I hope you enjoy some of what I write!

Onto Bebe Update

OB appointment yesterday. No pelvic exam, no arguing over the Pap, victory for me! Weight is up, not by much but enough that I need to keep my eye on it. We heard the heartbeat - 155! Yahh! Talked about trying to get to the gym, Dr. says no, but I can swim, so another small victory! SCH looks like it is fully healed, but B's sac is still there... :( I had a good cry after the appointment about that. JD says it's staying around to watch over it's sibling.

I think the whole issue with me working out is because of the SCH and the gush that I had 5 weeks ago. I think the Dr. might be worried that I might have an incompetent cervix, or maybe a risk of pre-term labour. I think I read somewhere that woman who have very large SCH tend to delivery early, but I could be mistaken. They all just might want me to get fat and lazy who knows! But I tell you with my stupid thyroid disease and the fact that I only crave crap food, I am gaining weight way to fast. I'm really going to have to work my butt off after this Bebe! Oh well!

That's my update for today!

Much Love!

Rambling Thoughts...

2011-01-08T14:21:00.000-05:00

If you've been following me you know our history and know why we had to go donor egg route. When we made the decision to give up on my young/old eggs, we said we would revisit them after we had one child. I'm still thinking about this... I think when everything is said and done I may try and get a consult done with Dr. Check in NJ. I've been diagnosed with POF for over 2 years now. I've done oodles and oodles of research on it. And with my fsh (72) he seems to be the only one willing to look into an attempt. And he seems to actually have success with high fsh ladies. Obviously I don't think he is a miracle worker but I do think that with everything my body has gone through in the last year that it might be worth looking into.

Here's why I think so...

For almost 2 years I was getting monthly dildo cam visits to check for follicles or cysts on day 2 of my cycles. At every check there was at most 2 follicles, usually 1 or none. This is why after getting the ridiculous FSH reading I finally threw in the towel completely. However, fast forward 2 DE transfers, 2 failures, and surgery to remove some rotten tubes. Mock cycle starts and we do an u/s to check for follicles and low behold there are 9. 2 months later we are doing another Day 2 check for the actual cycle and low behold there are 11 follicles. WTF!

Sure it's not the same resting AFC count a normal fertile woman would get but it is still a decent AFC count. Plus I've heard of a lot of woman who have POF due to an Auto Immune Disease that seem to float in and out of POF. Maybe I could be one of those woman!? However we know it won't be one of those magical miracle Urban Legends (unless my tubes grow back), we will have to do IVF.

And I think it will be easier to look into giving it one more go after we have one child because we know if it doesn't work that I can actually get pregnant by DE, and that door is still open for us. By the time I have this bean I will be 33, and if we have any chance of getting a miracle (genetic) child it is going to have to be quickly after beanie is born. I don't know we'll see. Maybe we won't. Maybe my eggs are too risky. High FSH can also mean abnormal eggs, so maybe it's just better this way to use a healthy donor and not risk a child being stuck with either fertility issues or Auto Immune Issues.

Sorry these are the ramblings of a woman thinking about what's next! And how soon can we go for another! LOL! I warned JD I wanted a big family! LOL!

Lots of Love!

All Over the Map!

2011-01-06T10:59:00.003-05:00

That's my emotions! I can't seem to get a handle on my moods lately. I guess it is the hormones. Driving into work this morning I started crying, not like one or two tears, but like sobbing. I was just so overcome with sadness about B, Evelyn, Greyson, and all those lost babies that were loved so very much. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard for us infertiles. I mean haven't we struggled enough? I still think about B daily and wish that my body had been able to hold onto it. But it is what it is.

JD and I have been to Babies.R.Us three times in the last couple of weeks. We keep watching and waiting for the deals. Yesterday there was some great deals on playpens with the bassinet attachments and the diaper changer. Did we buy one? Nope! Why? Because we are still way too nervous to even think about bringing anything real baby into the house. I asked JD if he was nervous about buying anything. And he looked at me and said "yes I'm afraid to jinx anything!" I said "me too!" I asked him if he wanted to wait until 20 weeks. He said yes please!

The reality is that we do have to try to buy somethings every pay. We don't really have an income where we can just go out one weekend and spend a couple of grand on decorating a nursery. So the reality of the situation is that when we find deals like we did last night, we should buy it and just put it in the basement until we are ready. Even if something does go wrong at one time a baby is coming into our house. I am renewed with hope.

I think I'm going to call JD right now and have a serious discussion about the awesome crib we saw last night for $200.00. Another post coming soon.

Much Love!

Prayers for a Fellow Blogger

2010-12-30T08:19:00.000-05:00

I was so saddened to read this news this morning. I actually had to read it 5 times before it clicked. One of my favorite bloggers Jennepper has had to deliver her twins early due to Pre E and a tiny twin that hadn't grown in 3 weeks. Unfortunately the bigger baby Evelyn did not make it. Ainsley (tiny twin) is stable but at the Children's Hospital. Please take the time to pop over and offer your support, comfort, or prayers for baby Ainsley and baby Evelyn.

If you haven't read Jennepper before I do recommend staying awhile and reading some of her other entries. I find her to be one of the funniest blogs I read. Even JD asks me to read her updates. We are both very sad to hear of her loss today. We will be lighting a candle tonight in prayer for Evelyn and one for Ainsley to keep fighting.

With a sad heart!

Christmas on Hold!

2010-12-29T14:15:00.000-05:00

Yup! No Christmas this year for JD and ks. Our family was so sick that we had to cancel it this year. And it wasn't one or two people who were down with the flu...it was 6! They were so sick that they convinced the twins that Santa wasn't coming for another day or two. LOL! Thank gosh they are only 3! Everyone is now on the mend but we are pretty insistent that the house air out and that everyone be vomit free for more than 24 hours before we enter the house. The last thing this lady needs is a nasty virus!

Oh and did I tell you..? I'm in my 2nd trimester!

Oh and did I mention I had no morning sickness in my first trimester? Oh I did! Well guess what? I have it in my second. Boo hiss! So all of you that were cursing me under your breath for escaping the yaks. Well you can now smile. 2 days in a row my dinner has made a second coming. I feel totally fine, just like I have a gas bubble and then I start burping, then I start verping, then I start chucking...Sorry TMI? LOL!

In other news...

Yesterday was JD's Birthday. We took the day off work to hang out together. It was great! We woke up leisurely (well as much as you can with 3 4 dogs in the house), had our coffee (decaf) and a bagel, got dressed and went ~~shopping~~ exchanging clothes, then went out for breakfast for lunch, came home and had a big nap! JD got his B'Day present a day earlier as I couldn't get it out of the car. I bought him a new t.v. A big, shiny, flat, 55' t.v. (with wall mount). He is in love with it. So much so that he hasn't done the wall mount but the t.v is hooked up and being watched. I actually bought it as we are remodeling our main floor and our new family room needed a larger t.v. that could be wall mounted to save room. And to avoid little hand prints ruining the screen. This is a lesson Auntie K and Uncle J have learned with their nieces and nephews. Our other t.v. has a tiny hand print that is the result of us not being quick enough to wipe Taylor's little hands after pancakes and syrup one morning with us. Ooops! Ah well!

My life would be so dull with out JD in it. I'm so glad that we both made wrong decisions that led us to each other. As the song goes... "God Bless the broken road that led me straight to you!"

If you are reading this JD. I love you more than words can say. If you weren't by my side for the last 5 years of hell I don't think I would still be standing here today. You have been my rock, my strength, my clown, my one ray of light through all this darkness. I love you more today than the day we married. Happy (1 day later) Birthday!

Much love!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T13:26:00.000-05:00

I hope all of you have a very wonderful Christmas!

I am working today, all day! It is very boring in this office today, but Corporate demands us to be open so here we are! I only have one other staff member in today and he's only here for 4 hours. I'm unfortunately open for over 9 hours today. Crazy!

I took some quiet time this morning to slip away to the mall across the street and finish my shopping. Thankfully I work across the street from one of the best malls in the area. So I hit it right when it opened. While I was there shopping with my pants undone I thought maybe I should buy a pair of maternity pants. Oh man! I can actually breath! And my stomach doesn't hurt today! My stomach actually does hurt! It's so hard! And I swear it's getting bigger on a daily basis. The jeans I had on today I wore last week to get my hair done. And now...nope not buttoning them up! LOL!

Tonight JD and I are on our own. I am going home to finish wrapping, then he and I are going to the Ke.g for dinner. After that I am going to get things ready for tomorrow. I am making a breakfast casserole to take to my MIL's house for the morning. And appetizers for the afternoon. Appetizers are crab cakes and Mexican Rolls (these yummy tortilla rolled, baked goodness, that you dip in salsa). So I still have a lot to do today!

Anyway I just wanted to pop on and wish all my blogger friends and very Merry Christmas! I am thinking of you all. Praying for you all!

Much Love!

12 Weeks 5 Days

2010-12-23T11:10:00.000-05:00

We are just ticking away here. I am a little uncomfortable, but I know it's just my body stretching to accommodate the Bebe. I have had no more spotting to date! Yahhh! We are starting to wean off the meds finally. I was on them longer than most due to the SCH. We are now down to .5 cc's of PIO and only 2mg 2x daily. On Sunday we are going to taper back to .5 cc's every other day and drop down to 1mg 2x daily and then hopefully stop everything by week 14.

Am I getting closer to believing?
Well yes I am. I've chosen to be positive until I have something to be negative about.

Am I showing?
Well yes I am...Dang nam it...already! It's more so because I have been benched from the gym. And with a thyroid disaster that I am, any time away from the gym means hello weight gain and hello trucker belly. I'm hiding it though under big sweaters until I feel more comfortable telling people.

Is there weight gain?
See Above! I wasn't at my ideal weight going into this cycle. Due to too many years of infertility and comfort food, but I was losing weight at a steady pace. I am now up 10 lbs. Which is alright...But I am going to try to make a consciences effort to control the weight gain. And I am really hoping that I will be allowed to get back on the treadmill soon. Even if it is just to walk. I really wanted to try to stay fit throughout this pregnancy, but y'know it is what it is. I can lose it all again later.

How is sleep?
Not great. Boo! I can't get comfortable for the life of me. I have the body pillow and all, but I still seem to wake up at least 3x per night. Oh well!

Anyway this is my update for now. I'll pop another message soon with all of our Christmas plans! I'm working right up until Christmas, so lots of free computer time!

Much Love!
ks

Quick Update

2010-12-16T18:04:00.000-05:00

Everything went great! Bebe is measuring 1 day ahead. Spine looks good! We have great pictures of the little one waving at us. Bebe was being stubborn though and wouldn't turn for the tech, so our measurements for the Nuchal scan aren't 100%, but y'know what I'm not worried! At least not today!

It took us over an hour and half to get home tonight, so I'm tired and just looking to veg on the couch right now. JD is out snow blowing the copious amount of snow we've gotten. Then maybe a little take out and early to bed tonight!

Lots of Love!

Scan.Day!

2010-12-16T09:36:00.001-05:00

Scared, excited, nervous, and hopeful. I am a mixed bag of emotions today. Our appointment is at 2:30. I really wish I had made it for earlier, but I knew that JD would have trouble making it if I made it too early in the day. I also have to get some blood work done with this u/s so I think we are going to try to be there for 2:00 and get the blood work done first.

Right now I'm feeling very detached. I'm trying so hard not to get too attached to the idea of being pregnant. I know it's stupid, because even if it goes bad today I am going to be just as crushed. But I can't help it. I'm really having a hard time believing. It doesn't mean I don't want this, I do, I really do... I do believe in happy endings. My support board is full of them. But I know the heart ache as well. Jeez! The 'fertiles' really don't know how easy they have it do they?

Hopefully I'll be logging on quickly to give you all a good update later today. Until then....

Much Love!

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Little Bebe...We love you more than words can say. Please still be with us...

Scan is Booked!

2010-12-13T11:21:00.000-05:00

Thursday afternoon we shall see! So nervous! But y'know there is nothing more I can do...I've done everything I possibly can. It's really out of my hands. I just have to dig deep and try to continue to have hope! Ha! Easier said than done!

Today I am hopefully going to go and finish off a little bit more Christmas shopping. I have got to get some things for JD. I know bad, mall walking...but it's gotta be done folks. And I'm feeling pretty good today. While at the mall, I plan on picking up a few long cardigans. I really need some clothes that will hide the belly bulge I've got going on. It looks as though I've eaten nothing but pizza for the last month. It's not a Bebe bump yet, just the in between bloat and feeling huge. Urrrggghh! I refuse to go to the maternity stores yet. I can't make myself do it. Maybe after Scan.day, but not yet. I almost went yesterday to get the belly band, but chickened out at the last minute. And boy this morning was I sorry I did that. 5 outfit changes this morning! JD was laughing pretty good at me! It's great that we live in the great white North. It really is sweater time here. I can definitely hide this from my customers for a good while!

Anyway, enough of me jabbering on. I better get back to work! LOL! Please pray for us that Scan.day is a good day! I would really appreciate it!

Much Love!

No Reassurance...

2010-12-11T08:59:00.000-05:00

No Fetal Heart check, no ultra sound, nope nothing of that sort was done yesterday. Just a history, blood pressure check, and urine analysis. Little bit of comfort though. My OB, Dr. S said he didn't want to use the Doppler because he can only find the heart beat about 50% of the time before 12 weeks. He asked me if I would like him to try though and I said no. I am already anxious enough that if he doesn't find the heart beat I would totally feel like it is over.

Dr.S thinks what happened yesterday morning is nothing to worry about. My body is working really hard right now and odd things are going to happen. He would have been concerned if I was crampy or there was fresh blood. Neither has happened in awhile. I told him I know I have no real reason to be as scared as we are but... He promptly cut me off and said "no I think you do...look at what you've gone through to get here!" But he did reassure me that he will try to keep me as relaxed and calm as possible. I am to continue only working part time. No mall walking, no gym time, nothing exciting. Just me and my couch and my three monkeys!

I feel a little bit better today. And that's mainly because I had no more weird pop and gush things happen. I have more to write about concerning the appointment yesterday, but I'm tired and my mind is a little all over the place. So I'm out!

Much Love

Rough Morning (Warning TMI)

2010-12-10T09:38:00.000-05:00

In more ways than 1...

First Item of Crap!

I had another episode this morning while blow drying my hair. Felt a gush, checked, and it wasn't blood...but I have no idea what it was. It was a mustard colour liquid. So I'm not feeling overly confident that Bebe is okay.

Second Item of Crap!

Still can't find the heartbeat on the Doppler. Now I have done some research on this Doppler and it only has a sensitivity of 1-2 cm depth. And there are a lot of people that can't find the heartbeat until past 12 weeks. But with the cramps and the goosh this morning...Really not feeling confident.

Third Item of Crap!

Had a fight with an employee. First thing this morning. An employee came in yesterday hung over and I'm sorry but that is totally unacceptable. He again was 5 minutes late this morning. And he started talking back to me this minute I questioned him about being hung over yesterday. Well anyone who knows me knows that the worst thing you can do is talk back to me. Suffice it to say it wasn't a great morning at the office. I'm pretty sure that he is now looking for another job. But you know what...I don't care...there are so many people out there looking for work, that I'm sure I can find a replacement.

Fourth Item of Crap!

We have our first OB appointment this morning. I'm scared shit less. I have cried most of the morning (when I'm alone). I feel hopeless. I said to JD I didn't want to get out of bed. Because in bed everything was still good. I should have gone with my gut instinct and just stayed there dammit!

Much Love to All!

Thoughts... (Warning Anxiety)

2010-12-06T09:30:00.000-05:00

My heart is broken for a fellow blogger. Paige I am thinking of you today. I don't know why this has happened to you. My heart broke when I read your entry yesterday. Please know that you and your sweet angel boy are in my prayers.

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I don't understand why things like this have to happen. I know that there are reasons for everything, I get that...but still... I've seen too many good women suffer again and again. And yet there are so many people out there who should never be parents, and they get it so easy. Why??? Don't tell me it's because that child is going to do wonderful things. That's BUNK! Most children that come from families with drug, alcohol, and / or abuse do not turn around and do fantastic things with their lives. No they continue the god damn cycle! It's just so frustrating. We all want this so badly. We have a love so deep that we want to share and yet we are banished to struggle, fight, and cry for it. Infertility you suck!

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We got our Doppler on Friday. The only bloody heart beat I can find is my own gosh dang it. Have I been a bit cranky since then? You bet your sweet ass I have been. I don't feel pregnant. I don't feel hopeful. I feel hopeless, sad, and angry. Okay maybe angry is a bit soft! (Oh I know it could be too early, but c'mon really?!?!)

On my Support Board there are 3 separate boards. Yellow is for Trying to Conceive via DE, Pink is for Pregnant by DE, and Green is for Still Trying Thru DE. I obviously am a green board member. We call ourselves the Jaded Ladies. I have yet to 'officially' join the Pink board for fear. After losing B and hearing about Paige, Margolis, Mo, to name a few, I feel like I am always going to be a Jaded Lady. How is this going to work out for me, when I see it fail for so many others who are just as deserving.

If you are still reading this. I'm sorry for sounding like I don't appreciate the success we have finally found. But to be truly honest I don't call it success until Bebe is at home sleeping in a bassinet. Then maybe my fears and anxieties about loss will leave me. I hope the rest of my successful bloggers are feeling more positive than I am. Please don't let my fears ruin this for you. And to the rest that are still trying I hope when you have success that there are no speed bumps, no spotting, no beta he!! and no drama!

Much Love

Waiting on the Mail...

2010-12-02T09:06:00.000-05:00

We broke down and ordered something. All the 'fertiles' I know think we are nuts. But for an infertile, especially those who have lost a Bebe you will understand. We are renting a fetal Doppler for 6 months. We ordered it on Monday, we think it is going to be here today or tomorrow. It really can't come fast enough for me. As I said to JD last night, I don't feel pregnant, just fat!

The morning sickness I was experiencing on the weekend has all but disappeared. The daily spotting has disappeared as well! Yahh! But I really don't feel pregnant. Maybe I am just one of the lucky ones. But man I would love some reassurance. And poas is out of the question as my hcg would still be high even if we did have a missed miscarriage.

I think I am extra anxious as today is the first Thursday I haven't had an u/s. I know I really shouldn't be worrying as the spotting is stopped. But dang it is just so hard. Y'know?!?

Anyway I've been to work a lot this week. No full 12 hour days but I've done three 7 hour shifts and the weekend. And I feel okay. I just wish I could get clearance to go back to the gym. I feel like my ass is getting really saggy! LOL! I definitely have a gut, but there is no crunches going to be done for quite awhile. I just want to be able to get back on the treadmill and the bike. Work my lower half since that's my trouble zone.

I'm going to follow up with my new ob today and ensure they got my referral and see when I can get back in there to have this SCH checked. Hopefully things will continue to be quiet on that front. I hope all my blog friends are doing well!

Much Love!

ks

2 Days at Work!

2010-11-28T14:29:00.000-05:00

That's right! I went to work! 2 Days! Yahh me! It was alright. I still had lots of spotting, and there are definitely things I shouldn't do here, but it is what it is... I gotta work. I think JD is making me stay home tomorrow though and then maybe a 1/2 day on Tuesday. We'll see. Oh and I stopped the baby aspirin today. We have a feeling it might have been feeding the bleed since it thins your blood. I'm nervous about this, but y'know at some time all these meds have to stop.

This afternoon I am going to go buy a new bra. A comfy bra. One without wires and clasps. I don't know what happened but on Saturday I feel like I've been blown up all over. So I am uncomfortable in everything right now. And the nausea is really kicking in. Oh well! I'll take it if it means I have a live Bebe inside me.

Okay I gotta go, I'm famished! I promise to write a better entry soon.

Much Love

ks

Breathing Easier Today!

2010-11-25T17:51:00.000-05:00

Everything went well today. Bebe A is measuring 1 day ahead at 8wks6dys. Heart rate of 165. So Bebe A is looking good and strong. SCH is still there. Healing but still there and still quite large. Last week it was the same size as the sac, and this week it is a little smaller, of course that is because the sac is bigger this week, but whatever I will take whatever good news we can get! My awesome tech Victoria advised me I should still take it really easy. Pelvic rest still. But I won't need another u/s until the week before Christmas. Yahhhh!!! Of course if anything comes up before then I can go in, she'll squeeze me in, but hopefully that will not be necessary.

One of our blogger friends Lisain at Wanted: One Good Embryo has her first u/s tomorrow. I just know it is going to be great! Please know I will be thinking of you tomorrow and praying that everything goes just as it should...Fantastic!

I'll do a better post tomorrow when JD has fixed my computer. We watched a movie last night through my laptop and now the type face is all messed up! Annoying!!

Much Love!

Enough Already!!!

2010-11-24T12:50:00.000-05:00

I am so tired of this spotting. Nothing fresh still, but Jeez! Give me a break. I am so tired of wearing my granny panties and cringing anytime I go to the bathroom. I heard someone describe this spotting as prune juice, and I tell you that is a perfect description. It's horrible. There really is no rhyme or reason to it either. I can sit on my butt all day (Monday) and have very little spotting or I can sit on my butt all day (Tuesday) and spot and goop all day! Wonderful!

Tomorrow I venture back to my office for the morning. I am a little nervous. I will be standing at a counter for a couple of hours. The most I've been upright since Thursday afternoon is to have a shower. But you know what? I've got to brave the waters again. I have to try to find my normal again. It's not going to be what it was 9 weeks ago when I could go to the gym 5 nights a week and work 7 days a week. And it's not going to be what it was 2 weeks ago when I was blissfully pregnant with 2 miracle Bebes, tired and nauseous, but happy. It's high time I find this new person I can be and soon. Because this stressed out worried slug that has been riding this couch has to go away soon.

Today JD is home with me. But he's already left me to go to the gym...(ass) Jealous much?!?! LOL! When he gets home we are going to try to venture to the mall for a little shopping therapy. I need some new lounge clothes. Since this seems to be what I am living in currently I really need more than 1 pair of lounge pants. We'll see if I actually get out of the car this time. We tried Saturday but I changed my mind when we got there and decided I just wanted to go back home and lay down. We are planning to go out to our favorite local restaurant tonight. They have a new menu that we are dying to try.

Tomorrow we'll see what is happening in this prune juice full uterus. Hopefully there is a strong little sweat pea in there with the heartbeat of a lion. We love you Bebe A. Please be strong and hang in there.

Angry and Sad

2010-11-23T09:57:00.000-05:00

Why can't this just work out? Have we not paid our dues? Have we not struggled enough? Apparently not. As you can tell I am angry about the loss of Bebe B. And I'm terrified that Bebe A is following B's same path. Here is what we found out last Thursday...

Apparently Bebe B's heart stopped at approximately 6wk5dys from what I could tell of the scan. Bebe b was still there but with no heart beat. The SCH is quite a bit larger than everyone thought and it is smack in between the 2 sacs. It is almost as large as Bebe A's sac. Bebe A was measuring 7wks 3 dys which is right on track. My u/s tech tried to reassure us that Bebe A looks good, nice and strong. I didn't get the heart rate which I now regret. But I don't think it would have helped me feel any better anyways.

But how am I supposed to stop DBT's when we've already lost one. I've been on pretty strict bed rest since Thursday, as I am still spotting. Nothing fresh but there is always a brown discharge. This just sucks! If this is going to end just let it end. This agony of losing one at a time and the bleeding is horrible. I almost wish this cycle had just been a failure instead of all of this crap. Since losing Bebe b a lot of my pregnancy symptoms have disappeared. Even the baby belly I was growing has decreased. It's very hard not to think that more doom and gloom is coming on Thursday.

I know there are a lot of stories of people who make it through an entire pregnancy with a SCH and deliver a healthy happy Bebe, but remember this is JD and I we are talking about. We have the worst luck. And unfortunately as recent events have shown it appears that at no time in the future is this going to change.

I hope none of my blogger friends ever have to experience this.

Much Love

ks

Sad Day...

2010-11-18T12:17:00.001-05:00

We have lost baby b. I have no words right now. Just a heavy heart.

ks

Ultra Sound #3 Today...

2010-11-18T09:20:00.001-05:00

And I am biting my newly manicured nails to their nubs! I am terrified. I had a horrible nights sleep last night. I woke up at 12:30 soaked in sweat. I was having DBT (dead baby thoughts). I know..I know.. STOP THAT! But as hard as I try I can't shake this feeling of doom. I can't yet allow myself to be happy for more than a half an hour, without thinking don't get too hopeful, the other shoe can drop at anytime.

Friday night I allowed myself to get positive. To the point where we almost bought some white onsies. And then BAM, Saturday morning we are rushing to the Emergency room. Why can't I at least be a 'normal' pregnant woman. Why does IF have to ruin this as well?!?! 7 years of struggle and I still get to be an anxiety riddled crazy infertile.

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Please God let my babies still be with me. Please God let them have grown and gotten stronger in the last week. Please God let them be healthy. Baby A and Baby B we already love you so very much. Please be strong and fight to stay with us. We will love you both for all our lives.

Weekend in Emergency (WARNING Graphic Post)

2010-11-16T09:16:00.000-05:00

We are all okay now. But what a horrible weekend! I was getting ready for work on Saturday morning I had just put in my 2 prometrium suppositories and my estrace, I was doing my hair and I felt a 'pop' and then a little gush. I was cursing my way to the master bathroom bitching about the suppositories and the mess they make when lo behold it was not progesterone oil, but blood. And not a little bit but a lot. It was pouring out of me.

After JD got himself together, we immediately left for the Emergency Room. Our Hospital was quite wonderful with us. They really rushed to get us a bed and they made sure we had our own room with a bathroom. It took almost 4 hours to get an u/s done though due to staffing issues. The tech was able to find the heartbeats. Baby A was 6wk6dys and Baby B was still 6 wk3dys, but they were there and still had heartbeats.

Honestly I have no idea how it is possible, considering how much blood I lost, but I take solace in the positive ultra sound. What they did find was that I have a Sub Chronic Hematoma. It is a tear (blood clot) in the lining under the placenta that bursts. The ER doctor assured us that it is far away from the babies and that they are fine.

I have been on bed rest since being released on Saturday. I'm not bleeding (fresh) anymore, but I am still bleeding. To say that we are terrified is an understatement. I am having another ultrasound on Thursday to make sure everyone is okay. I pray with everything that I have that they are still there hanging in. And I pray with all my heart that Baby B starts catching up.

Please pray for us that this SCH heals itself soon. And please pray that both these babies keep growing and getting stronger.

Much Love

2 Peas In This Pod!!!

2010-11-12T08:26:00.000-05:00

Yes! That's right! There is 2!!!

I honestly am in shock! I didn't go to the appointment yesterday feeling very optimistic. I don't know why, I am just have a really hard time believing this is all real! And that my body is actually doing something good! After all the years of failures and let downs, this just seems to good to be true! But you know what!?! I don't care I am going to enjoy every moment of this right now. I'm going to take it day by day for now. Of course I'm going to worry, that is a given in for any infertile who finally finds success.

But until I'm told otherwise or that there is something to worry about. I'm going to do my best to try to relax and enjoy the morning sickness, the crazy hormones, and the raging hunger! LOL! I'm going to relish in every moment.

I will post an u/s picture or 2 soon. I'm currently posting on my work computer and the scans are on my laptop. So stay tuned to see the second picture of our little SweetPeas!

Much Love!